


Take me down with you

by harrystylesandstuff



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Dark, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Bottom Louis, Dark, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Funny, I have no excuse for this, I won't put too many because spoilers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Louis, Louis Has An Eating Disorder, Louis-centric, M/M, Manhandling, Public Blow Jobs, Public Display of Affection, Sad Louis, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Tension, Smut, Social Anxiety, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, Surprise Ending, Top Harry, but he's funny still, it's funny I promise, that's all I can say about that, versatile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-09 01:47:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 107,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4329054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrystylesandstuff/pseuds/harrystylesandstuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is fine. He just happens to walk to the suicide bridge of Bristol at least once a week, just happens to be dealing with a lot of anxiety, and just happens to be done with life. But he's fine.</p><p>Everything is just fine until a mysterious guy starts showing up every time he tries to kill himself, and he should be very scared, but he's somehow very glad to have company. Until he's not.</p><p>AU where Louis tries to kill himself multiple times but he's not very good at it, Harry keeps showing up out of nowhere, and maybe life isn't as bad as it looks sometimes.</p><p><a href="https://youtu.be/PX4mexD_VDY">Trailer</a><br/> </p><p>                         <a href="http://s1303.photobucket.com/user/harrystylesandstuff/media/Capture%20drsquoeacutecran%202015-07-26%20agrave%2012.16.54_zpseepmhspk.png.html"></a><br/><img/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiii 
> 
> I'm so happy you liked the last fic and hopefully you'll enjoy this one !
> 
> So this will be quite different from usual, meaning a bottom!Louis who likes to be manhandled, which I'm here for x)
> 
> Also Harry has a secret that I can't spoil, and every depressing issue is dealt with thanks to humor, so please don't take everything too seriously and I'm pretty sure nothing's triggering by the way it's depicted.
> 
> I've never been to Bristol and I have no intention of implying the real Louis' going though any of the things this Louis is. Same goes for Harry who is far from being a dark Harry but isn't the sugar baby I'm sure he is irl.
> 
> All i'm saying is that this is fiction, I'm having fun with this one, and it could teach a few things about life I hope ?
> 
> It will probably be quite long so bear with me because everything is relevant.
> 
> Alright, there you go !
> 
> Enjoy <3
> 
> Mel
> 
>  
> 
> [Russian Translation](https://ficbook.net/readfic/3464269)  
> [Spanish Translation](https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/55240020-take-me-down-with-you-larry-traducci%C3%B3n)  
> 

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

Louis is repeating the same numbers as he walks alone on the pavement.

 

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

He doesn’t really know how it had come to this.

One minute, he was ready to conquer the world and become the person he’s always wanted to be. Two hours, three beers, four cigarettes, one mistake, and a long walk later, and he was staring at the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

He read the sign giving the number for the Samaritans, ignored it, and kept walking along the empty road, letting his hand bump into the barriers as he reached the middle of the bridge.

_Fatality case of jumps: ninety-five per cent._

_Height: seventy-five meters._

The night was cold and the wind was stabbing his face, but Louis felt nothing, because nothing could be more painful than what he felt inside. He may have had numb fingertips and a red nose or freezing feet, he wasn’t focusing on any of that. He was only concentrating on the void underneath him, matching the one inside of him.

Will it hurt ? Will he feel himself go ? Is there a chance he survives and stays paralyzed ? Is that a stain on his jeans ?

“You’re about to kill yourself idiot, who cares !” Louis whispered to himself.

He takes a few steps back, checks no one’s around one last time, and grips the bars he’s supposed to climb, and does it again…and again.

“Oh come on already !” Someone grunts a few steps away.

Louis jumps, bending with a hand on his chest in horror.

He hadn’t been doing well with surprises. It was triggering his anxiety to the point where he had to turn off his laptop when Youtube decided it was the right time to show a thirty minute trailer of a horror movie with no escape. All he wanted was to watch videos of people living their life when he was dying, not stay awake three nights in a row trying to erase the images of a demon appearing out of nowhere.

“What ?!” He asks breathless when his heart starts beating normally again.

“You’ve been standing there for ages. Jump, or go home.”

Louis can’t see who’s talking. It’s dark and foggy and his eyes are a bit too watery to make out anything. He even questions the reality of the voice. Maybe he’s imagining it. Maybe it’s just his conscience and he’s just gone mad.

He doesn’t say anything. He keeps shaking a bit and eyeing the void. He has no idea what’s under that bridge and it’s dark and scary and he really would rather be in bed watching someone who has their life together for fifteen minutes, but this seemed very rational a few moments ago.

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me not to jump ?” He asks, not even sure if the person is still here.

“Oh my god…Please don’t tell me you’ve been waiting for someone to come and save you.” The male voice snorts and Louis can imagine the guy rolling his eyes. He keeps his eyes on his hands aggressively holding onto the barriers though.

“I don’t want to be saved.” Louis insists and starts swinging one leg over the bars, threading his way between the security wires installed to prevent exactly what he’s about to do from happening. Turns out they’re not very effective.

“You’re so dramatic…” The guy sighs.

“You’re lucky we’re not in France you know ! You’d be imprisoned for five years and fined thousands of euros for failing helping me while I’m being a danger to myself !” Louis says, loud enough so the stranger can hear him wherever he is.

“I’m behind you, first of all, so stop shouting. And we’re in England. I can watch you jump and stay wealthy and free.” He says, no traces of concern in his voice. It’s not like he’s about to witness a death and should behave accordingly, but he’s about to witness a death and he should behave accordingly.

“Can you just like…go away…or be quiet ? I’d like to be by myself right now.” Louis asks, nervous and trembling, trying to focus on the last thoughts of his life.

“Okay, fine…” The guy surrenders.

Louis turns his head slightly though, just to see what this guy looks like, just to see one last face before he crashes and joins the list of young people tragically ending their life on the “suicide bridge” of Bristol.

He had expected him to be a few steps away given the sound of his voice. But when he shifts a bit, he almost lets go of the bars seeing the guy leaning right next to him. He’s staring at the landscape ahead, hands joined as he waits for Louis to kill himself.

He’s wearing a beanie under a seemingly oversized hoodie and a huge coat, and Louis frowns at the sight of him. Who even is that cold ? It’s not that bad outside. It’s January and the winter hasn’t properly started to freeze everyone, there’s not even snow yet. And _he_ ’s the one being dramatic ?

“So ?” The stranger points at the void, raising a brow as he impatiently waits for Louis to hop off that thing and crumble.

“Don’t pressure me !” Louis complains and turns back around to take a deep breath. “Can’t you just leave ?!”

He doesn’t hear anything after that, so he closes his eyes and replays his whole life in his head.

He thinks about his twenty years of weird events, from the first moment he can remember, to the last catastrophe.

He thinks about running around in the garden dodging water balloons, and being called names and humiliated by his own friends and family. He thinks about the days he used to set up plays with his cousin and boss her around to put on an actual show for their parents, and thinks about the day his dad looked the proudest when he got accepted for a degree in law.

He thinks about all the good things he’s lived. And when he does, he figures he’s had a good life, up until six months ago that is. He had great friends and made great memories. He got into insane adventures and achieved a lot academically, and he would have had the perfect life really.

He would have had a perfect life if it weren’t for his crippling social anxiety, his ability to overthink every little thing going wrong from the death of his father to the bowl that slipped from his hands to the tiled floor this morning, the ever so enjoyable self-loathing and all the ways he expressed it, and if it weren’t for all the things he loved and lost, including the puppy he got to fill the hole after his dad passed away, only to see him put down a few months later. Also, he really needs to get that red eye checked out.

He’s going to do it.

He’s going to jump and nothing will matter anymore. It won’t matter if he doesn’t pay his rent, won’t matter if he doesn’t attend the dentist appointment he’s been postponing for nearly a year, won’t matter if he doesn’t see his mom ever again and doesn’t say what he’s been wanting to tell her for six fucking years, and it won’t matter if he doesn’t see his sisters grow up with him.

Although he does love them. And he doesn’t completely hate his friends. And he might not be too comfortable with hurting his mom this much as revenge. And that new episode of OITNB seemed cool…

_Focus Louis !_

He leans forward a bit, making sure his feet are securing him on the cement still. He looks down, and gulps. It looks so high it’s frightening. He’s never been scared of heights, but right now he can feel his throat choke him, and he’s not too sure he wants to be a floating set of bones anymore.

_One more day. Just one more day._

“Shit !” Louis spits and climbs back on the other side of the bridge, sitting down with his face in hands. He slaps himself and groans, wondering how many times he’ll have to walk on that bridge to find the guts to make everyone’s life better, including his own.

 

 

*****

 

“What do you think ?” Niall asks.

“Huh ?”

“Have you been listening ?” Louis’ friend frowns.

“Um…sorry. One last time ?”

“As I was saying…”

Niall was one of Louis’ friends from university. He needed a pen, Niall had one. And that was pretty much it, because you don’t need much more when you’re new and seeking company. They found out a mutual passion for football and started sitting next to each other out of habit, until they met at local parties and became close friends overtime.

Louis can’t bring himself to listen to him today though. He hasn’t been able to for a while. Every time he starts talking, he gets lost thinking about how bad he’d rather be home, locked in his room and buried under the covers, far away from all the adult things going on in his life.

“…and that’s why I think the answer’s B, not F.” Niall concludes with a smug expression as if he’s just found a way to cure cancer.

“Oh, yeah…right.” Louis agrees, not even remembering the question he’s been staring at for twenty minutes.

They’re studying for their finals at Niall’s. Louis hasn’t really been too keen on being around more than two people lately , or outside, and his friend has been doing all the work while he’s been thinking about a way to get a gun. It’d be quick, right ? But with his luck he’d probably shoot someone before he shoots himself.

“You’re alright mate ?”

“Yeah yeah…just…tired.” Louis lies.

If he only he was ‘just tired’. He’d been sleeping non stop for two weeks though, waking up, staring at the ceiling, and then falling back asleep, only leaving his bed for the bathroom and to restock his water bottle collection next to his bed. He could now build a raft and float on his tears. How convenient.

“You sure ? You’ve been looking like a vampire lately.” Niall says, munching on his crisps.

“Thanks…” Louis chuckles, offended.

He knows he must be sporting alarming bags under his eyes and sunken cheeks that make him look like he’s been starving for days - which is not completely false - and he’s been wearing the same jumper for about three days now. It had come to the point where lifting his arm to go through his clothes was too much. But still, that was a rude comment.

“I don’t mean it like that, but you do only come out at night and sleep all day…Are you okay ? Do you want to talk about it ?”

“I’m fine Niall. I’m just tired with all the studying and stuff. And I think I’m getting a bit sick with this cold.” He hasn’t opened one book since his classes stopped in December and he hasn’t been sick in a year, but it’s better than saying that fighting not to cut his arm open everyday had become a bit draining.

“I know bro, I’ve been going over that chapter for weeks ! I still have two subjects to learn. I feel helpless !” Niall whines and Louis really wishes he was like him, because he still has all ten subjects to start reading, two weeks away from the start of his exams.

There’s a knock on the door and Louis is already curling into a ball of invisibility. If there was one thing he couldn’t cope with lately, it was crowds. And by crowds he meant people that weren’t Niall and Liam.

Liam had become their friends from the library. They always sat in the same spot and started chatting since he was in the same year. One thing led to another and they found themselves walking around campus like the three musketeers.

Niall stands up from the floor and jogs to his door. One of the downsides of living in dorms was the constant possibility to have someone barge in at anytime and stay for hours, being only a few doors away from their room. Apparently not everyone had issues being around other humans.

That’s why Louis didn’t live on campus.

He had found a small flat ten minutes away, allowing him to stay away from the partying and noise and everything that makes university worthwhile. He wasn’t antisocial per se, but the past few months hadn’t been very uplifting and he couldn’t stand being rude to everyone with his bad mood, so he just kept a safe distance to preserve his friends and avoid getting kicked out for ruining a party.

“Louis, mate !” Zayn greets him.

“Hi.” Louis smiles politely. He was Niall’s roommate and wasn’t around much, but when he was, he’d sometimes hanging out with them. He was a nice guy, but Louis was glad he liked his own space and stayed in his room more often than not, because he couldn’t handle so many friendships at once right now.

He fled to his room as expected, and Niall went to sit back down on the carpet, opening the third bag of crisps. He immediately offers Louis some, which…no.

“You haven’t been eating all night man…Are you on a hunger strike ?” Niall has his concerned parent look and Louis just groans, not willing to get into this right now.

“No. I’m just not hungry.” He insists firmly and pushes the bag to Niall’s chest.

He wasn’t lying. He _wasn’t_ hungry. The amount of calories and saturated fats from a handful of those crunchy nightmares had nothing to do with this. Absolutely not.

“Alright…” Niall sighed.

“I think I’ll go home. I’m working tomorrow and I can’t miss it this time.” Louis announces as he stands up, slightly stumbling and squinting after getting up too fast. He gives a harsh look to Niall to not even mention him being dizzy, and claps their hands together before grabbing his backpack and heading out.

He walks through the hallways praying he won’t run into anyone he knows, which is impossible when the majority of the students leaving here knows Niall and befriended him over the last two and a half years. He almost regrets being social at the beginning. All that got him was too pleasant memories to make him remember how good he had it once.

He does wave hello to a few familiar faces and chit chats as he walks down the stairs. He smiles kindly at a few girls that have been flirting with him since day one, and bumps so many fists he can’t even feel his hand when he finally gets outside the building.

It could’ve been fine. The crisp air was enjoyable and the wind wasn’t too heavy. But five steps into the walk home and rain starts pouring on Louis, because all he needed was his own depressing cloud above his head, getting him lower than he already was.

He lifts his hoodie over his head and keeps walking normally, not even trying to sprint to be less of a wet disaster.

When he gets to his street, he suddenly becomes very aware that he’s got a cloth bag on his shoulders, months of lectures probably already smudged together and Niall’s notes unreadable.

He looks up and laughs. Because what else should he do really ?

He gets inside and rubs his feet against the rug too many times before checking his mailbox for the first time in a month, retrieves the pile of letters, and climbs the stairs.

“Oh Louis, darling !” The kind lady from  across the hall calls him as he looks for his keys.

“Fuck.” Louis mutters under his breath before turning around and smiling big. “Hello Mrs Griffith.”

“You haven’t told me when you’re available for dinner, love ! George and I will love to have you come over, sweetie.” She’s too adorable and generous and Louis really wants to punch himself for declining her offers so many times.

“I’d love to. I have to study for my exams but as soon as I’m done with it I’ll call you ?”

“Oh, of course, sweetheart ! Good luck with the studying then !” She grins and waves him goodbye before stepping back inside her flat, struggling to keep her pug from getting out.

Any student would be happy to have nice old people cooking for them. The hall always smelled heavenly with roasts and barbecues, and Louis did have to close his eyes and struggle to not ask if he could have a plate.

But it was Louis and he refused all invitations that involved conversations, faked smiles, cuddly animals, and food.

He wasn’t anorexic or agoraphobic, nor did he hate animals. But more than four hundred calories a day was too much, people are overwhelming, and he hasn’t touched an animal without cringing since Kitten.

_Two scoops are a hundred. One serving is ninety-five. A cup is forty._

Louis thinks as he puts rice and veggies in a dessert plate and pours himself a glass of lemonade. He makes sure he hasn’t let extra calories slip in and takes his tray to the living room. He sits down, checking there’s no distraction around, telly off, phone silent, laptop in the bedroom, books on the shelf…No distraction.

He checks the time three more times and waits for a sharp hour to start eating. He winces and shakes his legs, feet tapping the floor with each bite. But he does it. He can feel the food flow down his stomach and chews so much he can feel his jaw cramp. But he does it.

He checks his phone again.

_Ten minutes._

The veggies are filling and the lemonade he drinks every two bites makes him feel heavy, but he tries finishing everything. He tilts his head back trying to think of something other than the excruciating will to spit, and finally swallows another bite.

_Five minutes._

He breathes in and takes his time to get it down, and makes sure he’s cleared every extra chunks between his teeth before rubbing his tummy and standing up. He gets himself a large glass of water and gulps trying to drink it fast enough.

Then he does what he does every single time he eats alone, and cleans the apartment enough to make it look like he’s just moved in.

He takes a long shower, giving extra attention to his hands, and slips into his baggy sweats and Slipknot t-shirt that’s three sizes too big. He chooses a random pair of mismatched socks before turning off all the lights, grabbing his laptop, and jumping in his bed.

Just like every single night, he tries. He tries to fall asleep without any noises. He tries to close his eyes and let nature take him into deep slumber.

But it only takes thirty seconds before the silence becomes creepy and he’s not sure if birds are supposed to sing at night, and that noise definitely wasn’t a car, and the room is too pitch black, and has he checked if he locked the front door ? Maybe he should check again.

He opens his eyes and groans, checking the front door before coming back to turn on his laptop he had put down next to his bed on the floor, knowing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without different voices filling the space.

He never watches anything though. He doesn’t even listen to it. But he needs the company. He doesn’t know if it’s something that happens to people, so he doesn’t talk about it. He’s never been able to sleep on his own, and moving alone in a flat seemed very exciting until he found out it also meant spending the whole night by himself.

He didn’t always keep his laptop on all night though. Sometimes he kept everything silent and waited until sunrise, smiling at the sight of the daylight before finally closing his eyes in peace. And no, no explanation for this either.

When he wakes up after the fourth alarm, he’s got fifteen minutes to get ready and get the bus to the firm.

He flies to the bathroom and spends ten minutes in the shower letting the water just drown him, and runs everywhere to make up for it, grabbing random clothes he didn’t even know he owned and checking himself in the mirror just once to not be late before snorting and storming out.

He had found this internship the first year. Everyone treated him like family because his dad used to be a loved client, and they all felt bad for him after his death. Sure, they were already kind to him before, but Louis couldn’t really fathom people liking him just for him, so he figured it was out of pity.

He didn’t just do photocopies and coffee fetching though. In fact, he had never done that and used the machine probably twice in two years.

He assisted meetings and wrote summary notes and got private lessons from the lawyer he was mainly working for. He didn’t get paid, but the woman he was linked to had assured she’d give him a salary when he’d spend two whole months working instead of the twice a week arrangement.

“Hi Louis !” Mrs Howard smiled as soon as he knocked on her open door. She stood up to shake his hand and gestured for him to sit at her desk to go through the schedule of the day. “…we also have a meeting at ten with a new potential client and lunch with Mr Brooks. I think all afternoon we’ll go over the trunk case and then I’ll teach you a thing or two about trusts.”

Louis nods but is already planning another trip to the bridge.

He liked law. Kind of. It wasn’t as boring as it sounded and it made you feel relevant to some extent. It gave him a goal and the whole trial wars extravaganza was rather exciting. But he still wanted to jump from seventy-five meters after a day of talking inheritance and legal fees.

The first meeting makes him wonder how high the windows are.

“So you’re an intern here ?” The client asks when Mrs Howard leaves to get folders.

“I am.” Louis nods, barely looking at the middle-aged man staring back at him.

He had greying blond hair quiffed to perfection and a stubble he keeps rubbing like he knows something no one else does. He has blue eyes, contrasting with his tanned skin, and the navy blue suit he’s wearing looks too expensive. That guy smelled like money, power, and egocentrism.

“You look young.” He smirks. And if Louis wasn’t that professional and convinced he looked like crap today, he’d think that guy is flirting with him.

“I mean, I’m only twenty…” Louis pulls a funny face, as if that man had to know his age already, borderline rude.

_Dammit Louis._

“That’s young. It’s rare to see someone your age already working in a law firm.”

“I’m still in university. It’s a part-time thing.” Louis is staring at the door, not even risking meeting those blue eyes. It’s not like he has a thing for guys. He doesn’t. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t. But this man is objectively handsome and his hands are objectively mesmerizing and his hair’s shiny. And Louis’ only human, and completely unbiased. Since, you know, he’s not into guys.

“Ambitious then. That’s good.” The man chuckles. Louis mentally frowns and wonders if there’s a hidden camera, because that man is not talking normally and Louis’ not sure he’s comfortable. He just nods with a pout.

“Not very chatty, huh ?” Mr Pavelka asks, licking his bottom lip when Louis looks at him.

He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but Mrs Howard comes back and he thanks the Lord because he would have probably said something dumb he would’ve had to put in the list of the reasons why he shouldn’t be on earth.

They go over whatever that man is looking for while Louis pretends he’s listening to everything. What he really does though, is eyeing that man when he’s talking with the confidence of a thousand leaders, and showing off a smile that can only be photoshopped.

He even drinks arrogantly, wiping his chin with a subtle thumb rub and a hair flick he doesn’t need, but why waste an opportunity to put his Rolex on display.

Louis’ not really sure if he wants to be that kind of man or if he wants to be _with_ that kind of man. Not in a gay way, just like…he’s just human.

When the meeting is over, Louis finds himself a bit stuck on his chair.

The guy had been laughing, voice echoing in the room and hitting Louis’ chest. His hands kept clenching and exposing hard veins, and his fingers adjusted his tie so expertly Louis couldn’t stop picturing what those hands could do to a human being - which Louis was.

“You’re alright, Louis ?” Mrs Howard asks like a concerned mother.

“Um…Yes. Of course.” He grins and checks his previously embarrassing bulge before standing up.

The client shakes his hand and it’s so different from the way he did when they met two hours ago, and it’s so gentle, yet so freaking dominant, he can’t really get out the word ‘goodbye’ and says ‘thank you’ instead. So…yeah.

He’s glad Mrs Howard thinks he’s just thanking him for considering taking them for his issue, and blushes when the client looks like he knows exactly why Louis thanked him for, so he winks and lets himself out, and Louis can finally breathe. Water. He needs water. And a chair.

The rest of the day, Louis just wonders what the hell happened in the morning.

He had had those weird feelings before. He did find a few guys attractive, but you don’t have to be gay to find guys attractive. He did feel a bit tensed around a few man whenever they were affectionate towards him and happened to get him on their lap casually, but that didn’t mean anything.

He wasn’t gay. He had dated girls and, even though he never really felt much for any of them, the sex part wasn’t that bad. He wasn’t as mind blowing as people say it is, but it was okay. It was usually a bit difficult to get him hard, but that was only because he took drugs that intervened with that. That happens.

So when he felt himself twitch under that meeting table, he was a bit confused. And for some reason, he kept thinking about him the whole day, not paying attention to anything but his hands and the way he walked, and the fact that he actually winked at him. Was he imagining things ? This guy is probably married with two kids after all.

“We’ll have lunch with Mr Pavelka next Thursday. He seems like a nice guy, don’t you think ?” Mrs Howard asks while they’re going through his case in her office.

“Um…yes…very nice.” Louis clears his throat.

“And he sounded like he knew a few things about law so we won’t have to waste a lot of time explaining everything to him. I think you’d enjoy this case. It’s nothing like we have seen before and he clearly likes you. Would you mind having this client ?”

“Not at all.” Louis nods, sounding indifferent to what cases he gets to study and help with, even though he’s mentally screaming with excitement for some reason.

That man was nice, okay ?

The day finally ends and Louis cannot hide his joy when he walks outside the building. He instantly takes a cigarette and lights it up right in front of the doors before walking towards the bus stop. It’s not that far, but he always walks to the farthest one every time he’s had a lunch meeting.

He couldn’t say no to his boss inviting him to eat, and he couldn’t leave the plate full when she was paying for it. Luckily for him, the restaurants they went to had small portions and were rather healthy, so he didn’t need a trip to the loo, which was quite nice once in a while. But it also meant more exercise, so four bus stops farther from the main one it was.

It goes on like this for the next few days before final week.

He either makes Niall come over or go to his place to study - Liam being glued on that chair in the library twenty four seven – and theoretically goes to sleep to go to work the next day. He’s glad they treat him like a baby deer, because it means he gets there whenever he wants and that usually means ten or eleven in the morning, not eight like the other assistants. But no one mentions it and Mrs Howard always arrives after him so there’s no harm done and he gets to sleep a little.

And then the festivities begin.

He has started revising the first subject four hours before the exam and hasn’t had time to sleep yet. He’s still reading the last chapter for the first time and really figures he might as well skip that thing because there’s no way he’ll remember all of that in two minutes.

Thankfully, he ends up on the topic he remembers, the only one he actually paid attention to. Niall cries beside him so he figures he might not tell him it’s the only thing he actually knows when his friend has been working on it instead of partying on New Year’s Eve.

Liam looks pissed and his angry vein his blowing up, so Louis thinks he might not tell him either. He just sort of contains his joy and pretends to think even though he knows every little thing about that topic and can’t wait to start his essay.

He’s not completely satisfied with the result but he opts for an average grade that’ll make him pass. And that’s the goal he fixes everyday until the end of the exams.

The written part is easy though. He loves it. He somehow manages to read just the right chapter every single time a few hours prior, remembers everything he needs, and doesn’t take any breaks until he’s finished with the very last sentence.

At this point Niall and Liam hate him, just like every time at this period, knowing Louis didn’t do shit but will still get better grades than them who’ve locked themselves with books.

When comes the interview though, it’s not as great.

He usually does well, at ease with saying bullshit that sounds right, charming the professors, and looking like he actually knows what he’s talking about. This time, however, he ends up on a question he hasn’t studied. He would’ve, but he had missed that lecture after staying awake all night and falling asleep on the couch as he laced his shoes.

“Mr Tomlinson, have you even read that part ?” The woman in front of him asks, not friendly at all and as rigid as a wall.

“Yes. Of course. I’ve just had so many things to remember, sorry.” Louis tried his best and gave his best smile, but she’s just not having it.

“This isn’t high school. You can’t complain about having too many things to learn. This is university. So get yourself together and grow up.” The woman huffs and gestures for him to get out.

He doesn’t even look at the student behind him who obviously heard everything. He feels like crap and like he’s a failure, and yes it’s the only day out of the eight others he’s had a bad result, but it’s Louis and if one thing goes wrong, then the other hundred things going right don’t matter anymore.

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

He finds himself walking on that bridge again, convinced he’s failed his year. This interview was three quarters of his final grade, but it made him consider that maybe he’d failed everything else as well. And if he failed the year or had to redo it, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. So the bridge came to mind again.

He’s leaning on the bars, letting the wind shuffle his hair, creating one more reason to be stressed out. He hasn’t eaten yet and his stomach is growling. He feels a bit light headed and his hands are too cold even though it’s barely under ten degrees Celsius today.

“You should drink or get high, it helps.”

“Fuck !” Louis cusses and plans on killing that guy for making his heart beat in his mouth every time he shows up unexpectedly. “Are you spying on me ?!” He pants, eyes closed and head in his arms as he tries composing himself.

“I happen to be around a lot.” The guy says. He sounds laid back and completely relaxed, just enjoying Louis’ misery.

He looks up to see him and the daylight makes him so different he’s not even sure it’s the same person. He almost blended with the dark of the night the first time. Now he’s glistening under the sun, long hair swinging in the wind. He’s wearing tight black jeans, black leather boots and a black tee under his unzipped black sweater and denim jacket. He looks like a human crow with a blue jacket, but whatever.

He looks pale and lanky until he takes a few steps forward, turning into an even paler tall man with broad shoulders and noticeable hips, emphasizing his long lean legs and unsteady stance.

“Well, can you be around on the other side of the bridge ?” Louis asks, shaking his head in annoyance.

There’s a brief pause so he quits staring at the distance to check where that guy has moved again. But there’s no one near him anymore.

“You’re still not jumping !” Louis hears the voice from the other side of the bridge and turns to see the stranger leaning back against the edge.

“Shut up !” He yells back, and starts walking back to leave. He can’t end it like that. He can’t die watched. He doesn’t want anyone to witness his cowardice. He doesn’t see it as such, but everyone does and he’s can’t die the same way he lived: judged.

“You know, you’re not doing that dying thing very well…” The guy appears next to him within seconds and Louis wonders if his heart is supposed to bounce like this.

“Stop that !” He scolds and keeps walking, just hoping the guy will leave him alone.

“It’s not that hard though. You just get over the edge and hop off.”

They’re walking side by side on the pavement and Louis wonders why is this complete stranger making conversation with him. Doesn’t he have better things to do than follow a suicidal soon-to-be college dropout ?

“Do you want me to die ?!” Louis exclaims, baffled.

“Why are you saying that like you weren’t trying to kill yourself a few seconds ago ?”

“That’s…okay stop walking with me now.” Louis stops when he’s about to get to his street.

“Why ?”

“I don’t know you. You could pretty much drag me in a corner and behead me for all I know !”

“But you’d die then, so what’s the matter with that ?” The guy shrugs, completely numb to death apparently.

Louis doesn’t know what to answer and mumbles nonsense before walking again. He does want to die. He really does. It’d make everything better. Okay maybe not _better_ , but just not his problem anymore.

“You’re weird and creepy.” Louis says after a few beats.

“I’m weird and creepy for trying to help you ?”

“Help me ? You’re pushing me to die. That’s creepy.”

“I’m not. You clearly want to end your life and I’m trying to make it happen…to help.” The guy states the obvious.

“That’s murder.” Louis frowns. Maybe it’s not. Not exactly. But kind of. It has to.

“No it’s not. I wasn’t going to push you off that bridge. Also, what’s that about ?” The guy asks as he lifts Louis’ hand, pointing at the black nail polish on his pinky. Louis jerks away and groans.

“Don’t touch me, I don’t know you. And that’s nothing. I was bored.”

“Calm down, I didn’t harass you !” The stranger giggles.

When Louis is halfway through his street, he stops. The man stops with him and looks at him expectedly, smiling like a frog with his hands in the pockets of his jacket.

“What do you want ? Just g- go !” Louis tries. “Shoo !” He wiggles his hands as if to get rid of a noisy turtledove.

“That’s not very polite, pretty boy. I am a man, not a bird.”

“Don’t call me pretty boy, and _please_ fly away. You’re scaring me.” Louis insists, stomping on the cement like a child.

“Wow. I’m scared now…” The guy rolls his eyes but turns around to walk away. “See you around, pretty boy !”

Louis just grunts and keeps walking, checking from time to time if he’s not being followed by this weirdo.

 

*****

  

“It’s great that they trust you with a client by yourself.” Mr Pavelka smiles when the waiter leaves with their order.

Mrs Howard had asked him to go to the lunch meeting with the new client without her since she had an emergency, and assured him he’d be fine since it was just a way to get to know him and find out what he really wants from them, knowing Louis usually charmed the clients by how polite and professional he was.

“Yes. I’ve assisted a lot of meetings over the last two years, so it’s alright. Have you managed to get the company to provide you with the documents we need ?” Louis asks, already fidgeting with his napkin thinking about the meal he’s about to digest.

“Come on Louis. I can call you Louis, right ? Let’s not talk about that on empty stomachs. You have the whole day to think about cases, breathe a bit.” The man chuckles, shoulders bouncing the way Louis imagines kings’ shoulders bounce when they laugh.

“Oh. Um…sure.”

“How’s uni ? My niece had her finals a few days ago. I think she knows you. Her name’s Nathalie.”

Of course. Not only is Louis reminded that this man is old enough to have a twenty year old niece, it had to be the girl he hooked up with the night he nearly jumped off that freaking bridge. He had slept with her and left her flat faster than the speed of light and had kept avoiding running into her since.

“I know Nathalie…Nice girl. Finals were hard but fine.” Louis tilts his head to the side, trying to hide his thoughts.

Louis’ never really been the one to talk much and keep up a conversation. He either got too lost in his own head or figured what he had to say was too dumb or not interesting, so he’d rather stay quiet.

“What are you planning to do after ?”

And there it is.

Why did people always needed to bring this question to the table ? Couldn’t they just chat about meaningless things like the weather ? Why talk about the one thing Louis knew nothing about. He didn’t know what he would do after uni, and didn’t know what he’d do after that lunch. He didn’t want to think about the future because he didn’t want a future. But you can’t really say you’re not planning on living long enough to find out to your client.

“Go back to the office and sort out ways to defend you.” Louis smiled instead, surprisingly making the man laugh, hitting him right in the guts, struck by the whiteness of his teeth. Lord was that man handsome. Objectively.

When their plates arrived, Louis didn’t really pay much attention to what he was saying. The salmon looked too glimmering, clearly dipped in oil, the lettuce was drowning in dressing, and the grilled onions were everywhere. You’d think ordering a salad called ‘health punch’ would save him some trouble. But why should things go right for once in Louis’ life ?

“Not a fan of the fish ?” Mr Pavelka raised a brow, making Louis very aware of how disgusted he must be looking.

“It’s fine. It’s just a bit…big…” Louis chuckled, trying to ease the tension he built himself.

“I should take you to the French place on Colston Street. Their grilled salmon is to die for.”

And okay, yes, Louis knows that he’d die after eating that thing, no need to remind him.

“I’m not sure I could go that far and make it back to work to be honest.” Louis grins politely.

“I should take you when you don’t have to go back to work then.” The man said with confidence and that bloody wink. And if that wasn’t flirting, Louis’ life has been a lie.

“Um…” He’s blushing. He doesn’t know what to tell him first: “I don’t date guys”, “you’re a client”, or “yes please”.

“I’m not sure it’s very professional…” Louis says and should look serious, but he’s just full on smiling, cheeks hot and chest uneasy, but that’s probably because of the grease running down his throat.

“You’re not my actual lawyer, I’m not paying you…Am I ?”

“No.” Louis confirms.

“Great then.” Mr Pavelka takes a visit card from his pocket and a fancy pen from inside his blazer - like the rich man he is – and writes down what Louis figures is the address and a set day and time.

He slides it on the table for him and Louis widens his eyes to see he’s arranged a date for the same day at eight.

“You’ll love it I’m sure.” Louis doesn’t really know how to respond to that smirk. He’s not certain he’s adult enough for this.  

He’s rarely – never – approached by man twenty years older than him, or maybe just ten years older, but he still looks like a successful father and Louis just cannot ask how old he is.

He doesn’t want to lose him as a client and be rude, but he also cannot tell himself he’s having dinner with a man. But again, it might just be harmless, just two men going for dinner and talk about sports and beers and men stuff that lads talk about because they’re males, right ?

By the time they finished their meal, Louis has nearly gagged three times on the sensation of oil and mayonnaise in his mouth, awkwardly dodged Mr Pavelka’s cheeky eyes, and accepted to go out with a probably married _man_. This was just a proof that he was unable to say no to anyone.

Of course, the man pays for the lunch and walks him back to the office, only talking about the case in front of the doors. He chuckles one last time and bites his lip with his obnoxious handsomeness, and walks to his vintage Mercedes, owning up to his reputation of wealthy model.

 

Louis’ not too sure what he’s doing.

He’s standing in front of his mirror, ready to go. But he’s had a few extra minutes to spare and it was enough for the bad thoughts to convince him he should stay in his flat and grant the entire human race with his absence.

He had styled his hair in a neat quiff, shaved the non existent beard he was sure was showing, chose a pair of black dress pants and a burgundy button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He had figured the black chukka boots were the most appropriate shoes he could go for, and grabbed his black coat.

But then the shirt was suddenly too tight, the pants too revealing, his hair not perfect enough, and he was becoming slowly aware that this was a date with a someone who had a penis.

He took the visit card from the coffee table and wiggled it as he walked in circles. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. That man was clearly flirting, and Louis wasn’t into this. He was. But he wasn’t. Wasn’t supposed to. But this was a client determined to spend the next ten years of his life in court. He’d become a big client and standing him up could be fatal for his internship.

He took a taxi and spent the whole drive shaking his head and pulling his shirt down to hide his flat stomach that currently looked like a beer barrel.

“Louis !”

“Hello Mr Pavelka.”

“Oh please, call me Jessie.” The man smiled as he shook Louis’ hand and rested a light hand on his back to lead him to their table. It was remote and he clearly knew the staff, and no, this wasn’t good. Louis was going to regret this.

All he can think about is how wrong this is. It doesn’t feel that wrong, but ‘Jessie’ is being flirtatious and kind and gentle and he doesn’t even try to be subtle anymore.

Louis liked it, but really didn’t want to, so he just grins and giggles and pretends he’s listening to his stories of the people he screwed over with his job and how dumb everyone who didn’t go to uni is, and news about politics…and Louis really wants to run away.

That man is gorgeous, and Louis was feeling a bit flustered, but now that he’s been talking for twenty minutes about himself, this is just not fun.

“Sorry, I have to go to the bathroom.” Louis excuses himself and almost sprints to get away.

He meant to just give himself a pep talk and go back, pretending he’s having a casual dinner with a grown man. He was himself a grown man, so it wouldn’t be weird. But it was. He felt vulnerable and somehow courted and didn’t even know he could turn into a red giggly mess in front of a man telling him he looked “stunning”, and not just because he didn’t believe him.

Instead, he discretely jogs to the coat rack, doesn’t wait for the kind woman to give him his coat, and flies outside the restaurant, running as fast as he can to get as far away as he can.

He keeps running, bumping into a few people without stopping, not even acknowledging them, letting the wind slap his face as he runs without a destination.

He runs away from Jessie, runs away from the things he was starting to feel for a guy when he was supposed to only feel it for girls, runs away from people who eyed his tummy and his thighs, runs away from the waiter raising a brow as if he couldn’t enjoy a dinner with a guy, and runs away from the possibility of something exciting going on in his life for the first time in months.

He stops at the red light, out of breath, trembling trying to remain calm and not run right now. Maybe he should though. Maybe he should just go for it, ignore the red pedestrian light and just keep running, keep running until a car takes away every single thing that’s destroying his brain.

He takes the first step as soon as he hears the engines growl, and starts running across the busy path, hearing the screams and honks as he prays for a car to run him over.

He sees a bright light blinding him and the sound of the trunk deafening him. He thinks this is it, this is how it ends for him, squashed under tires, wondering if this shirt was worth the eighty pounds.

“Hey man, you’re okay ?!” The driver asks in panic and Louis wonders why he’s lying in the middle of the road and still has all his limbs attached to his body.

“Yes. Unfortunately, yes I am. Thanks a lot !” He grunts as he stands up, walking away from the confused driver who thought he had killed someone.

He keeps walking, brushing dust off his clothes as he curses and keeps frowning.

“You’re not very good at this…”

“Jesus !” Louis yells from the surprise, tripping over his own feet trying to turn around.

“Oops. Sorry !” The stranger from the bridge winces and gives Louis a hand, which he ignores.

“You’re going to tell me you were just strolling around here too ?!”

“I was. I like to watch the trains down the street.”

“Bullshit. I’m calling the police.” Louis threatens, walking aimlessly to pretend he’s got somewhere to be. The guy just laughs, a loud cackle that makes Louis jump again. “For fuck’s sake !”

“You’re funny, Louis.” And okay, this was already weird, now Louis just waned to scream for help and get a bodyguard.

“How do you even know my name ?!”

“You look like a Louis ?” The guy half says, half asks, rubbing the back of his neck nervously,.

“What ?!”

“Chill. I go to the same university as you. You’ve clearly never noticed me though.”

“Oh. Which department ?”

“History.” The guy says rapidly before changing the subject. “So what happened this time ?”

“Excuse me ?” Louis turns around on his left to raise a brow at the guy behind him, but there’s no one.

“You’ve clearly had a bad night again.” The guy says, walking close next to him on his right, making Louis jump, just one more time.

“Shit !” Louis will end up punching his chest if he keeps bringing his hand there in shock every time. “How do you walk so fast ?!”

“Don’t dodge my question. What made you want to run in front of a moving car ?”

“I don’t think it concerns you.”

“I know. I’m just curious.” The guy shrugs and keeps walking with Louis.

There’s something that makes Louis speak up. It must be because he’s tired, or confused, or still a bit disoriented after being pushed by a pick up.

“Life is pointless and I want none of it.”

“That’s what you may think now…but you’ll regret it if you end it.” The guy says, kicking a rock in their way.

“Good thing I’ll be nothing and won’t have a conscience to regret anything then.” Louis could swear the stranger huffed a “you’re wrong”, but it’s late and he might be hearing the wind speak.

“What made you think that tonight ?”

“I was on a date with an older guy.” Louis widens his eyes when the words are out. It might be easier to talk to someone he doesn’t know, and more importantly who doesn’t know him, but still, he probably shouldn’t display his life like this.

“He was that bad ?”

“No, but he was a guy.”

“And ?”

“And I’m into girls.” Louis snorted. The stranger giggled and mumbled a ‘sure’ as they kept walking. Louis didn’t know if he was following him or if he, himself, was following the stranger, but they just took steps after steps, no questions asked. “What’s that supposed to mean ?”

“You’re not into girls.”

“You don’t even know me.”

“No, but you’re as straight as I am.” The guy chuckles, and Louis doesn’t say anything more because the thoughts are trapped in his head.

“Where are we going ?” Louis asks when he feels his body weaken and his head heavy.

“I don’t know.” The guy shrugs but doesn’t seem too worried about it.

“Don’t you have anywhere to be ?”

“Yes.”

Louis waits for something else, but it never comes, so he just drops it. It’s somehow less creepy than it should be and the guy’s company is not that annoying. He turned the street into a parkour and jumps and twirls and he’s apparently convinced every objects they come across is an obstacle to excitedly dodge.

“Can you…stop doing that ? It’s embarrassing.”

“You’re not fun. Come on, try it !” The guy says, jumping over a bin and nearly falling, giggling like a madman.

“No thanks.” Louis shakes his head but the guy pulls his arm anyway and brings him to the edge he’s turned into a balance wire. Louis is forced to stand on it and follows him, not letting his hand go, because he’d apparently rather fall from seventy-five meters than two inches.

It’s not as bad as Louis thought. It’s reminding him of when he was younger and could turn any place into an amusement park, and it puts a smile on his face he tries to hold back to preserve his reputation.

“Ah !” The guy looses his balance and drags the both of them in his fall, landing on someone’s lawn as they both laugh and struggle to get back up. “You’re laughing !”

“No I’m not.” Louis immediately frowns, pulling down his shirt and adjusting his pants, hoping the guy wasn’t crushed under his weight. “Sorry about falling on you. You’re alright ?”

“I didn’t feel anything. And you laughed. So all _good_.” He dances, swaying his hips as he wiggles his hands, tilting his head from side to side as he sings the last word.

“You’re weird.”

“And you’re too depressed to enjoy anything.”

“No I’m not !” Louis protests and looks down at the hem of his shirt when he feels the wind lift it up a bit.

“I’ve seen you try to kill yourself three times.”

Louis doesn’t look up. He thinks about it. He knows he’s depressed. He knows he hasn’t been the most fun person to be around lately. But it’s not the same thing hearing it out loud.

“Mind your own business…” Louis wants to continue but realizes he lacks one little detail and looks up. “What’s your name ?”

But there’s no one anymore. The grass is empty and there’s not one person around. It’s like he just vanished in the air. Maybe he just got fed up with Louis, maybe he realized he was too boring and depressing and ran away, just like Louis had tonight.

 

 

****

 

 

“ _C’mon bro, I haven’t seen you for two weeks at least_ !” Liam begs on the phone.

“I know Li, I’m sorry. But I don’t feel well. I promise next weekend we can go out.” Louis knows he can’t keep that promise, but he doesn’t want to tell the real reason why they haven’t seen each other since the exams.

“ _You’ll cancel last minute.”_ He does have the tendency to do that.

“I won’t. I’ll try not to.” Louis sighs. “I’ll be there.”

“ _Alright_.” Liam gives up and Louis can hear the unspoken ‘I know you won’t.’

“I’ll call you later.” Louis hangs up and flops on his bed, still in his pyjama pants even though it’s six in the evening.

He spent the day sleeping after calling in sick, too scared to face Jessie and Mrs Howard after being on the run. There was no way that guy didn’t hold a grudge, his ego was too big, and he knew he’d do something to make Louis lose his internship or make things awkward for him, which he didn’t need.

When his phone rings again, he thinks about letting it buzz, but figures it’ll just keep ringing all day if he doesn’t take this call.

“Hi mom.”

“ _Boo Bear ! How are you ?! I’ve been trying to call you for two days you never picked up !_ ” Jay, Louis’ mom, says in like she’s been dying waiting for her son to call her back.

“Yeah. I was busy.” Louis rolls his eyes at how overdramatic his mom is being. He only dodged her calls for two days, not two years.

“ _Oh, okay. I don’t mean to push you to talk to me sweetie, but I’m scared when I don’t have any news from you. Have you been to the doctor’s appointment ? Did you do your laundry ? Have you been to the gym ? Have you been taking your medication ?”_ Jay asks quickly and lists all of the things Louis hasn’t done yet, and it just pushes the wrong button. So he hangs up, puts his phone on plane mode, and throws it on the bed before closing his eyes, taking a deep breath and focusing on not letting rage overwhelm him.

He did not go to the psychiatrist – it’s far and it requires talking - did not do his laundry – the noise is annoying and he has enough clean clothes - he hasn’t been to the gym for a month – working out is fun until you’re convinced everyone’s looking at you and thinking you’re a failure - and didn’t renew his anti-depressants he ran out of two months ago – no particular reason for this one. And he just doesn’t want to be reminded of everything.

He gets up and drags himself to the kitchen. He opens every cupboard and checks the fridge four times. But there’s nothing.

Sure, there’s enough pasta to feed a country, two cupboards full of cookies and cereals, another full of jams and other sweets and crisps, the fridge is filled with leftovers and cooked meals his aunt has dropped off, and his freezer is overboard with premade sides and pies. But non of that has less than a hundred calories. So what even is the point.

He’s hungry though. He’s not. But he sort of is. Even though he’s really not.

He grunts and walks to the living room to turn the telly on. There’s nothing he wants to watch because he can’t commit to an entire movie, so he naturally goes through a show he could watch twenty four episodes of. No commitment there…

He ends up watching Youtube videos just like every time though, not too motivated to re-watch episodes he’s already seen, even though he’s seen those vlogs a dozen times, but that’s his logic and vlogs don’t equal TV shows or movies and it’s somehow nicer so no one can argue with him. And no one actually can. He’s by himself, fighting his craving to go in the kitchen and eat everything or order something he’ll end up getting rid of.

It’s not that he’s actually hungry. He’s stopped noticing if he’s hungry or not a long time ago. But he’s craving it. He has nothing to do, nothing to distract him enough, and he feels like he’ll pass out any minute, no matter how much water he’s been drinking. But he can’t do anything about it.

He checks his arms and pinches the fat, checks his tummy and pinches the rolls that disgust him, and squeezes his chubby cheeks, and figures food is not worth it when he’s this big.

He’s not anorexic though. He’s really not. He does give a lot of attention to his eating habits and convinced himself anything over five hundred calories was suicide, but he’s not anorexic. He doesn’t have a problem with food. He hates it, can’t stand it, wants to rip his chest open when he swallows it, but he doesn’t have a problem with it. He’s just got peculiar habits, that’s all.

He spends the night walking around trying to fight urges he wants out of his mind. He goes to the kitchen and opens the cupboards and fridge again, over and over again. Then he goes to the bathroom and eyes the drawer where he stocks his razors, and walks away, over and over again.

He takes a shower, hot enough to burn every cells of his skin, and just stands there, letting the water cover him and wash away his frustration and every little voices telling him to do things he doesn’t want to do.

He dries off when his fingers start to get wrinkly, combs his damp hair, and rubs his left forearm. He stares at the reflection in the mirror and bites his bottom lip, looks straight at his own eyes and wishes he knew who’s the person looking back at him.

“Fuck !” He mutters and opens the drawer he’s been eyeing all night, giving in to one of the urges driving him crazy. It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s really not. He just feels like hurting himself all the time, there’s really nothing to worry about there. It’s just a bad habit, nothing important. He’s fine.

He’s lying down on his bed, eyes on his red arm, wondering when he stopped feeling anything he did to himself, wondering when he stopped feeling pain, and wondering when this became a normal night for him.

He lets himself close his eyes fro once, exhausted and a bit weak after fighting his own mind so much, feeling a bit numb to his night anxiety when his arm has been attacked with anger. He drifts off, thinking about what his dad must be thinking of him right now.

“Louis !” Niall calls from the end of the hallway. He runs to his friend and jumps on his back and Louis really wishes he hadn’t done that because the energy he had gathered to walk to his morning class wasn’t enough to support this human contact.

It’s not that he didn’t want people to touch him. But he really _really_ didn’t want people to touch him.

If they did, it meant feeling how big he was, how much space he took, literally feeling how much of a failure he was. He was unable to hug anyone – meaning not a single person, not even members of his family – and winced every time someone forced it out of him, awkwardly patting their back as he stood stiff, waiting for the torture to end.

It’s not that he wasn’t affectionate. He could be cuddly with his friends and he did know how to touch a girl, maybe, no one had complained so far, but when he was going through a relapse, one person stroking his shoulder could send him on full panic attack. It’s like his body just didn’t fit others. It just didn’t fit anyone.

“Get off !” He hurried his friend to take a few steps away, not in an aggressive way though. Niall knew him enough to be aware of his discomfort towards intimacy and casual touches. But he ignored it because he couldn’t help himself and needed to make sure Louis knew he loved him a lot. That’s what he said anyway.

“How was the rest ?” Niall laughed when he hopped off his back to walk beside him.

“What ?” Sometimes Louis forgot his lies. He had no idea if he said he was on vacation, or with his family, or sick…He had everything mixed up and he didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

“You sure everything’s okay bro ?” Niall frowned.

“Of course. Always.” Louis smiled and squeezed Niall’s bicep before stepping into the classroom. Ironically enough, he enjoyed playfully touching other people.

“Hey mate !” Liam shook Louis’ shoulders from behind and he squinted, trying hard not to punch him. He liked him a lot and didn’t want to end their friendship because he dared moving him.

“Morning !”

“Are we still going out tonight ?!” Liam asked, excited as he took a seat next to Louis, leaving the latter between his two friends.

“Still good for me ! Louis ?” Niall was staring at him, desperately hoping Louis wouldn’t let them down this time.

“Um…”

“Come on !” Liam whined.

“Okay okay !” Louis gave in, figuring he could always ditched it right before the departure.

“And you’re not going home. You’re coming to mine. Otherwise you’ll cancel and we’ll wait for you all night again.” Niall informs him, not leaving him any choice.

Louis can’t even remember the whole day. All he knows is that he’s been freaking out over a way to get out of the trap his friends had created for him. He didn’t feel like going out. Not just because it meant looking nice and thus checking any imperfection and thus noticing any imperfection, but also because it meant drinking, and a glass of two hundred calories wasn’t in his plans this morning; not to mention he’d have to be in the middle of a sweaty and noisy crowd and force himself to socialize and probably dance.

He usually had a nice time in the end, the alcohol taking his concerns away for a bit as he enjoyed his night with his friends. But it sometimes hit him that he wasn’t in his natural habitat and the landing wasn’t always bearable.

He ends up going to Niall’s anyway and panics when he offers to lend him his clothes. Niall is the skinniest boy Louis knows and there’s no way he can fit into one of his shirts. He goes through his closet and chooses the baggiest tee he could find, putting it on over his black skinny jeans – they don’t make him look any skinnier but bigger ones make him look puffy – and keeps his black Vans on.

“It means a lot that you’re coming tonight Tommo…” Liam whispers as they’re waiting to enter the club. Louis just nods with a forced smile and lets Liam bump their shoulders together.

The DJ turns out to share Louis’ brain and only plays his favourite tunes, the club is a bit full but mainly with people he knows so he doesn’t have to introduce himself and face the first impressions disaster, and he only gets one drink…at first.

He probably should’ve eaten before though, because one drink is fine, on an empty stomach…not so much.

They keep chatting for a while in a booth, joined by a few people they know from their year, including Nathalie. She’s been eyeing him the second she sat in front of him and crossing her legs, and giggling dramatically, making her tight dress slide up and expose her thighs.

She was a pretty girl. She was about Louis’ height with heels, short black hair, olive skin, and insane curves than made every girls jealous. She also had a great sense of humour and was kind, nothing like the pretty but mean girl stereotype. She wasn’t the smartest person Louis had ever talked to, but she wasn’t annoyingly dumb either.

They keep talking and laughing, drinks pouring as Louis pretends not to count every single calorie going in their glasses. He’s encouraged to have another shot of vodka, and another, and he’s more than just tipsy within minutes.

He doesn’t even know how Nathalie ended up on his lap. She’s talking to her friend, her hair tickling Louis’ ear. He’s got one hand on her thighs, the other around her lower back, sometimes stroking lower, which she doesn’t mind at all.

Louis is not doing that bad.

The alcohol has taken the paranoia away and he’s just enjoying his night, laughing loud, remembering how nice it is to have fun with his friends. He can’t complain about the girl on him either. She’s been kissing his neck for a while and letting a wandering hand near his crotch, and he’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be against going somewhere isolated at the end of the night.

“Do you wanna dance ?” Nathalie smirks, and doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s standing up and taking Louis’ hand to lead him towards the music.

Louis doesn’t pull away. He can’t. He’s trying to focus not to fall and wonders when Nathalie got a twin pulling him in the middle of the dance floor. She’s suddenly one person again, then three, and Louis really needs to eat.

He lets her move him anyway she wants, not totally there, on the verge of falling and doze off into coma probably. He moves his hips to fit hers but it’s not as nice as it should be. The music is fine and she’s a good dancer, but the way she’s grinding on him doesn’t make him feel the way he should.

He looks up and lets her dance on him anyway, scanning the room as he tries not to die on her.

He spots a couple against a wall, dancing just like Nathalie and him are dancing, only they’re both male, and quite attractive, you know, objectively.

Louis stares, wondering how it would feel if it was a guy dancing in front of him, or maybe how it’d feel if he danced against one. He pictures how it would feel to curl up into someone’s chest instead of always having to support and lead everything, how it would be to let go in someone’s grip and have them take all the control and just enjoy instead of focusing on doing it right for someone else.

He keeps staring, until the guy leaning against the wall meets his eyes. He smirks and Louis looks away, not wanting him to think he’s been fixing him the whole time. When he looks again, the man still has his eyes on him and brings his hands to the guy’s hips to thrust subtly against his bum, and Louis can’t really keep his mouth from parting slightly.

Nathalie keeps dancing back on him but Louis absentmindedly matches the guy’s thrusts and rocks back, away from the girl. She turns around to wrap her arms around his neck, so Louis is forced to snap out of his daydream and looks at her as she leans in to kiss him.

He kisses her back, but it’s more of a polite gesture than a will to actually kiss her. She keeps going anyway, not sensing his reluctance, and Louis opens his eyes to see the guy still looking at him, his partner out of sight. Louis watches him as he keep kissing Nathalie and tries hard to ignore the way he’s chuckling, licking his bottom lip before walking away.

Louis forgets he’s supposed to move his tongue and follows him with his eyes, detaching his lips from Nathalie’s and dropping his hands from her hips.

“You’re okay ?” He can hear her but it’s getting a bit blurry and he’s not too sure if he can speak without throwing up. “Louis ?...Louis ?!”

Louis rushes to the toilet without a word, followed by Nathalie pushing everyone in their way to let him breathe. She gets into the bathroom with him, not caring about the few looks she gets, and takes Louis’ face in her hands to see his red eyes and pale face.

“I’m fine.” Louis breathes, nodding and repeating the words. “I’m fine.”

Nathalie smiles and leans in to kiss him again, but right after one peck on his lips, Louis is puking every drop of alcohol in his body on her two hundred pound shoes. And Louis really hoped she wasn’t thinking about returning them.

She gasps and acts frozen for a bit before taking her shoes off, cleaning her legs, and rushing out of the bathroom, humiliated.

_Good job, Louis._

 

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

Louis is sitting on the edge of the bridge, swinging his legs with his back leaning against the fence. He’s pretty sure no one can see him since, for one, it’s four in the morning, and for two, he’s hidden by the large bars.

He would lie if he said he didn’t wait for the stranger to appear out of nowhere as usual. He sort of liked talking to someone who didn’t know him and didn’t pity him. But it was four in the morning and he shook his head thinking he might show up randomly.

He does stay there until the sun rises though. He contemplates the trees from afar and the water under him. He lets the breeze caress his forehead going through his hair, and breathes in and out, with no energy to move, or think, or do anything but be there. Kind of.

He soon hears someone pant, steps coming closer. He checks the time to see it’s now seven in the morning and yes, some people enjoy exercise in the morning. He was one of those people not too long ago, and it pisses him off to not be anymore.

He holds on to the bars behind him and stands up, making sure not to fall – irony – as he climbs the fence and makes his way to the pavement.

He walks home barefoot, carrying one shoe in each hand as he tip toes his way on the edge along his street and pretends there’s a void under him, trying to keep his balance on the invisible wire without someone holding his hand.

“ _Mate ! What happened last night ?! Nathalie ran to us crying and we never saw you again…She told us you were sick and to check on you but you weren’t picking up and-“_ Liam is talking so fast even Louis is out of breath.

“Sorry man. My phone is shit.” It’s just fine but it’s easier than saying he dodged his calls. “I drank too much and got sick. I’m alright now. Promise.”

“ _Oh, okay…But warn us next time ! We were worried sick !_ ” Liam is starting to talk like his mom, and his sisters, and every single person in his life.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry. Won’t happen again.”

“ _Louis, do you need me to come over ? Bring you some food and watch movies ?”_ Liam has his ‘let me help you’ voice and Louis’ not sure he can deal with it right now.

He wouldn’t mind having some company, but he’d bring tones of food and force him to eat it and make him talk about everything that’s bothering him like a shrink. And if he didn’t go to his actual shrink, he wouldn’t let Liam take over.

“Don’t worry about me Li, I’ll just rest for a bit.”

“ _But you’ve been saying that for a while now…Have you been taking your medication ?_ ” Liam asks, voice lower.

“Yes.” No. “I’m fine. I just want to be by myself.” Louis snaps.

He wouldn’t have told anyone about his pills if they hadn’t nearly lost him one night after smoking weed. He knew he shouldn’t have mixed marijuana and anti-depressants, or maybe he was just too down and unlucky, but the hallucinations and anxiety that ensued for two whole months after that weren’t really what he had expected.

“ _Please call me if you need anything. And eat. Your jeans are too big and Niall’s shirt was swallowing you.”_ Liam scolds.

“I will.” Louis rolls his eyes, wondering why his friend is blind and trying to make him gain weight and make him even more miserable.

“ _Okay. I love you Tommo.”_

“…Bye.” Louis hung up.

It’s not that he didn’t love Liam back. Of course he did. But he couldn’t get those words out without a weird feeling in his chest, an awkward cringe that made him sound insincere.

He spends his Sunday watching random videos online, letting his couch eat him alive as his stomach eats itself. He’s supposed to go back to the internship the day after, and he’s not too excited about it, but he keeps ignoring it. He ignores the letters on the table, ignores the bills in his mailbox, ignores the crooked teeth he needs fixed, ignores the empty bottle of Zoloft, ignores his itchy forearm, and ignores the loneliness around him.

He hadn’t had a relationship in…well…ever. He couldn’t believe someone would want to be with him, couldn’t let anyone close enough to get to that stage, and made sure he only interacted with people he didn’t have a crush on to never be disappointed.

He ‘dated’ two girls, but not seriously. It was more casual hook ups at parties and friends staying overnight, not girlfriends and commitment and the responsibility to care for someone else.

It’s not that he didn’t like anyone. He did have a few crushes over the years, but not on the right people, not on the kind of people who’d want him back. And he didn’t do well with rejection. So he stayed quiet.

It’s probably also relevant to mention all his crushes weren’t girls. He made out with them, fucked them, but didn’t feel much. It was more of a thing he felt like he needed to do, something everyone did, so he had to do the same not to be left out. But he didn’t enjoy it that much.

He wasn’t gay though. Maybe he was. But he wasn’t.

When his thoughts became a bit too loud, he groaned and took a shower before getting dressed with his sportswear and jumper to not get sick in that cold.

“Louis ! How are you love ?” Mrs Griffith greeted him, getting outside to walk her pug at the same time he opened his door. “Say hello, Tootsie !”

Louis was halfway through and couldn’t take one more step. The black pug was running to him and hopping to climb his legs, greeting him with his tongue out. Louis closed his eyes and winced, clenching his fists near his face trying not to make any sudden moves and hurt the poor guy.

“H-Hi.” Louis forced a smile but still couldn’t move. He couldn’t even look at the dog, gazing at the ceiling and clearing his throat as he waited for his neighbour to get her pug back.

“I’m sorry, Louis ! He’s so excited today ! _Aren’t you_ ?!” She rubs her dog’s belly and takes him in her arms to let him lick her face, and Louis can’t help the tears from choking him a bit. He still doesn’t move, not until she closes the front door.

He then crumbles into his tears and leans against the wall, sinking down until he’s sat on the carpet in the empty hallway, crying in his hands at the memory of Kitten.

 

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

_Ninety-five per cent._

_Seventy-five meters._

Louis’ been crying for over half an hour non stop. He meant to go on a run and ended up taking a break at the bridge that could pretty much become his second home at this point. He sits down and lets everything out, nearly screaming his tears and everything he’s feeling right now.

His knuckles are going white holding onto to the edge and he can feel his heart exploding inside.

It was just four squares. He didn’t mean to. He didn’t want to. He didn’t have that in mind when he got a puppy. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to last. He wasn’t supposed to lose his mind like that. He was supposed to be fine again.

He lets go of the edge to put his hands on his lap, and tries to stop crying, taking deep breaths and closing his eyes.

_One…Two…Two and a half…_

“This is getting ridiculous you know…” Louis snaps his eyes open and turns around, gripping at a bar when he sees the stranger right above him, standing there as he stares ahead.

“I was about to do it this time. You ruined it !” Louis sobs.

“You were gonna count to a hundred.” He puffs and climbs the fence to sit next to Louis. He takes out a cigarette and lights it, swinging his legs and leaning against the fence as if he’s casually chilling on a bench, not on a suicide bridge.

“No I wasn’t.” Louis frowns, sniffling the last tears.

“Want one ?” He waves the packet in the air and Louis takes a cigarette, letting the stranger light it for him as he hollows his cheeks to take the smoke in.

They stay in the silent evening for a while, watching as the sun disappears and leaves them all alone, smoking and watching the water get darker.

“What’s your name ?” Louis asks, thinking about the last time they saw each other.

“Harry.”

“I still haven’t seen you around campus…”

“You’ve been looking for me ?” Harry wiggles his brows and smirks as he tucks the cigarette between his teeth while he gets the lighter.

“No.” Louis rolls his eyes.

“Then you don’t know if I was there or not.” Harry shrugs and inhales, adjusting a wild lock of hair behind his ear.

“What year ?”

“Does it matter ?” Harry asks, avoiding Louis’ eyes. Maybe he redid several years and he’s not comfortable sharing that information.

“Guess not.”

“You look tired.” Harry suddenly says, turning to face Louis with a serious look. His eyes are emerald. Not green. Emerald, like the actual stone emerald. It’s quite hypnotizing and Louis wonders if that’s a normal colour, and if he’s supposed to see it that clearly in the dark.

“Well thank you.” It’s not that being called a vampire or a zombie at least four times a week is bothering him, but it is.

“You look like you haven’t seen the sun in months. Do you go out for other things than try to kill yourself, beautiful ?”

“Don’t call me beautiful. And yes.”

“C’mon.” The guy stands up and climbs over the fence to get to the road.

“I kind of was in the middle of something actually…” Louis purses his lips.

“You and I both know you won’t do it. So come on.” Harry tilts his head towards the pavement.

“Where ?”

“You’ll see.”

Louis doesn’t know him and doesn’t know why he’s standing up and following this guy who gives vague answers and walks like he’s hiding a secret. He’s been wearing all black since the first time and Louis’ not one to criticize that, but he’s slim and there’s no reason for him to not show off his body with at least a white shirt.

They start walking and Harry doesn’t wait a minute before making the pavement his playground. He twirls around a pole and jumps over a cartoon box, and cartwheels between two walls…and Louis laughs because there’s only so many times you can grunt.

“Really ? The street wasn’t enough, you needed an actual children’s play area ?” Louis says with desperation, watching as Harry runs to the empty swings.

“Let’s go !”

“I’m not five anymore, thanks.” It does look appealing, but Louis’ twenty. And it’s a Sunday evening. And he has early classes tomorrow. And he doesn’t really have other excuses. He rolls his eyes one more time before sitting on the swing next to him, not moving it.

Harry is swaying and stretching his legs to bend them quickly as he lands, clearly having the time of his life with his hair blinding him.

“Are you going to just watch me ?” He shouts as he swings.

“I haven’t done this since I was like nine or something. Or even less that than.”

“Then you have to make up for all these years.” Harry insists and jumps from his swing, landing like a frog on the sandy ground, cackling like a maniac.

He stands back up and skips behind Louis, and holds the suspended chains, standing close behind him and ready to push him.

“Don’t you dare do that.” Louis warns. He can feel his feet slowly get away from the ground though, and moves backwards, nearly shoving his back into Harry’s chest to not let go.

“C’mon. What are you afraid of ?”

“I’m not afraid. It’s just a swing.”

“Then let me push you.” Harry whispers behind Louis, loud enough in the dead silence.

He doesn’t say anything so Harry must take that as some sort of agreement. He takes a few steps back and pulls Louis with him. The latter squints and closes his fists around the chains, cussing until Harry lets go of him, pushing him so he finds himself flying in the air like he used to when he was a kid.

He can’t really say anything, doesn’t laugh or give any sign of life. He’s a bit struck by how different it feels. It’s like he’s six years old all over again and his only concern is how high he can go.

Harry keeps pushing him, his hands digging Louis’ back every time he flies backwards, letting him enjoy this rush of nostalgia.

Louis almost whines when he stops pushing and lets him on his own until it slows down and his feet touch the ground again, sadly coming back to his life.

“Fun, innit ?” Harry scurries around the swing to face Louis and gives him a hand to stand up.

“I guess.” Louis bites a smile and takes Harry’s hand, not expecting him to make them run to the wooden castle/pirate boat thing next.

He watches him climb from the slide like a monkey and yell nonsense like Tarzan, bumping his fists against his pecs as if they’re in a jungle and not in a small park area along the street.

“Oh my god. You’re crazy !” Louis giggles behind his hand, checking if anyone is around to witness this grown child impersonating a gorilla.

“Join me ! I can’t sail the sea alone !”

“What ?”

“You heard me. Get your pretty butt up here !” Harry yells and ducks down to get to the other side of the boat.

Louis brings his hands to his hips. He’s not doing that. He’s not climbing that thing that’s probably going to break with them in it. He’s not acting like a kid. He’s not embarrassing him-

“Put me down !” Louis shouts as soon as he’s lifted off the ground. Harry drops him off on top of a tower and climbs on the outside to join him, the space way too small for two grown men. “I did not agree to this.”

“Look !” Harry points at absolutely nothing in the distance.

“At what ?”

Louis is suddenly pushed behind the rudder trapped between Harry’s arms. He’s towering over him and he tries to walk back only to collide into his chest as he keeps yelling.

“A ship is coming straight ahead ! We have to go starboard ! We have to go starboard !” Harry grips the rudder and quickly rolls it, leaning beside Louis’ neck to whisper. “You’re supposed to turn it with me.”

“I’m not doing it.”

“We’re going to sink Captain ! We’ve been hit ! No !” Louis tries hard but he can’t help laughing. Harry leans in again to speak in a lower voice, contrasting with his loud sailor skills. “Let it go. Forget you’re an adult for two minutes and be your happy self again, Louis.”

“Cast off !” Louis suddenly shouts “The land is ahead, we can make it !”

Harry must be taken aback, because he doesn’t react at first, and when Louis turns to see his face, he looks too surprised, as if he didn’t think Louis would actually do it. A smile slowly appears, eyes staring back at him, almost awestruck by this side of him.

“C’mon now ! Sail !” Louis turns back around and grasps Harry’s hands to make them turn the wooden toy again.

“Nonsense.” Harry laughs.

“Oh sorry, I wasn’t aware I needed a degree in piratism for this !” Louis puffs, making Harry laugh louder.

“Piratism ?! It’s piracy, brainy !”

Louis turns around and puts a hand on the boy’s mouth, frowning before smiling happily at his expression. He looks like a sulking child and it’s a bit too endearing and he can’t stop smirking.

“I’m the Captain, so I do what I please. And I reckon it's piratism.”

“Dylan ! We can’t go there !” A woman mutters under them.

Both Louis and Harry leans forward to see a couple making out against the climbing wall. They look at each other briefly before chuckling in their hands, trying to be discrete, and failing.

“I think I heard something.” The woman says, making them both fall on the planks to be hidden by the tower walls.

“There’s no one here, you’re too paranoid.” The guy says and goes back to kissing her.

Louis and Harry can see and hear everything, the holes in the walls leaving no privacy to the couple.

“Fuck…Your fingers are cold !” The girl complains.

“Well it’s fucking four degrees, genius !”

Harry and Louis are still struggling to not burst out laughing. Harry has the main view on everything while Louis can hear them. But it sounds too entertaining, so he crawls to Harry’s side and finds himself between his bent legs, leaning on his knee poking the wall without even noticing. He’s biting his hand resting on the boy’s jeans and giggles as the couple keep bickering.

“I think he got the wrong one.” Louis puffs laughing when he sees the woman wince and pull the guy’s hand back down and guiding him herself into her tights under her velvet skirt.

Harry’s suddenly silent though, and when Louis turns around, he finds him looking at him with a serious look.

“What ?” He whispers, still smiling at the situation.

“You don’t want to die.” Harry states, and Louis’ smile disappears.

He sits across from him and looks down at his hands, trying to breathe and remember how the hell he managed to forget he wanted to die a few seconds ago.

“Sorry.” Harry pokes his feet with his boot.

“I do though.” Louis ignores his apology and chews on the inside of his right cheek. He can hear the couple leave, but it’s just not funny anymore.

“I don’t think you want to end your life. I think you just forgot how to enjoy it.”

Louis shrugs and keeps munching on his cheek, then his lips, and runs out of skin to bite when he feels a tear escape his eye. Harry sighs and crawls to sit next to him, knocking his knee with his own playfully.

Louis gently hits it back, still not meeting his eyes.

“Why are you here ?” Louis asks, curling the laces of his training pants between his fingers.

“What do you mean ?”

“You know what I mean. It’s a Sunday night and you’re playing pirates with a stranger. I bet you’re just as lonely as I am.”

Harry doesn’t say anything, but Louis can feel his eyes on him. He stands up after a brief pause and climbs out of the boat, and Louis can hear him jump, feet buried in the sand under them.

“Hey Har-“

Louis tries to call for him but there’s no one. And suddenly, being in an empty park at night is very scary. And no, Louis wasn’t walking out without a panic attack first.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: may contain triggering depiction of mental disorders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please know that I'm posting this at the same time articles are going around about Louis being a dad…so yeah, cool
> 
> Enjoy the reading <3
> 
> x
> 
> Mel

“How are you feeling Louis ? I was so worried, we’ve missed you !” Mrs Howard says as soon as Louis sits behind her desk. She’s too kind, way too kind.

“I’m better now, thank you.” Louis smiles, tugging at the hem of his shirt over his waistband, wondering why he put those pants today. He had found them flattering when he tried them on in the shop, but now that he’s sitting in them it’s like his thighs are stretching enough to create a hole. Too much milk. He should cut out the milk in his coffee and tea.

“Mr Pavelka asked me to see with you for a meeting today. He’s gone over the last submissions and wants a bit more explanation as to what we’ll try to do after the first trial.”

Louis hadn’t been in the office for an hour yet and he was already reminded of his last disaster. The client clearly hadn’t done anything to make him lose his internship, but he wanted to see him alone, and that couldn’t be a good thing.

“Oh, alright.”

“He’s coming at five. Amanda will be there if you don’t want to be by yourself or if you have any answers you’re not sure about. But I’m positive you’ll be fine.”

“Um...okay…”

Louis goes to the assistants’ office when they’re done discussing the schedule, and he falls in his chair as if he’s been carrying the world in the hallway.

“You’re alright ?” Amanda giggles when she sees Louis swing in his chair in despair.

“Please tell me you’ll come with me to this afternoon’s meeting ?”

“I have a lot of work, but you can knock and I’ll stop by if you need. Why ? Is he annoying ?” Amanda chuckles, typing on her computer.

“Not really but he’s like…intimidating.”

“Oh my god, I know !” Amanda immediately stops what she’s doing and rolls with her chair to Louis’ desk. She leans an elbow on his armrest and looks like she’s waited for someone to mention it since the day he walked in here. “My hand was shaking when I met him ! Mental.”

“And you wanna leave me with him ?! Alone ?!” Louis widens his eyes, only making Amanda laugh.

He’s lucky enough to work with Amanda, the sweetest colleague he has. She’s only four years older than him and she’s always laughing and smiling and chatting with him about the latest episode of the reality TV show they’re both currently watching, making Louis forget where they are and what they should actually talk about.

“Be happy you’re not a woman. If it was me in there I’d be drooling on the papers.” Amanda groans and Louis really wants to tell her he knows what she means.

“It’s not easier being a guy…” He mutters. Amanda keeps her eyebrows furrowed and fixes him until the realization hits her.

“Do you fancy him as well ?!” She shouts and Louis slaps his face because the entire office probably heard that. “Eh, sorry !” She gets closer and whispers. “Do you fancy him as well ?”

Louis doesn’t “fancy him”. But he is not too bad to look at and maybe Louis still wouldn’t mind finding out what those hands could do. Is that a gay thing to say ? At this point he doesn’t even care. He’s tired and he’s weak and Amanda could probably help him if she knew.

“He has a thing.” Louis tries to leave it at that but his colleague just squeaks in excitement like someone finally understands her.

“I know ! It’s like his eyes. Or…”

“His hands.” They say at the same time and Amanda squeezes Louis’ hand as if she’s giving birth.

“Mandy, I need you to go over this. Mr Glendale has been calling me for two weeks.” Mrs Howard walks into the office with her head down, letting her assistant roll back to her desk and pretend she’s working.

“Of course.”

“I’m going for lunch with Thomas. You two enjoy your break, and I’ll see you tomorrow since I’ll be in court after.”

“Goodbye !” The two assistants say in unison as their boss walks out, waiting until she’s far enough to turn their screen off and head for lunch.

“You’re so lucky ! I want a Jessie too.” Amanda whines once Louis tells her what happened…part of it. He told her he had asked him out and kept flirting during the meetings, not the actual going on the date part.

“He’s not mine. I’m not interested.”

Amanda tilts her head with desperation in her eyes, telling Louis to cut the crap because she’s not that dumb and he’s not that subtle.

“I don’t…” He sighs, not knowing how to explain this is new to him. “I don’t do guys.”

“Wait. So you’re attracted to him…but you’re straight ?”

“Exactly.”

“Love.” Amanda starts with a firm tone. “If you feel some typa way when you think about a man’s hands on your body and notice he’s got nice shoulders, it probably means you’re not a hundred per cent into the vajayjay…”

Louis doesn’t answer that.

It’s not that he’s scared of being gay, it’s just that he’s scared of being gay. He doesn’t have anything against gay people, doesn’t mind experiencing things, and men are nice. But he grew up being called names and he just couldn’t add one to the list. His family wouldn’t understand, his friends wouldn’t understand or would treat him differently, especially being around guys so much, and he wasn’t ready for another set of pity looks whenever he walked into a room.

He stares at his plate of sushi instead and tries to ignore Amanda diving into her food. He can’t help eyeing the way she eats, the size of her bites, the order she follows, mixing everything instead of having a set plan, the choices of her food…

It’s not that he wants to tell her, not that she can’t do whatever she wants, but did she really need that extra side of chicken strips ? In a sushi bar ? Did she really need the coke ? Does she actually like the fried shrimp ravioli ? And does she not know going for sushi meant raw simple dishes, not cooked meat ? Also, is that a brownie ?

But it’s not Louis’ problem. He can’t help judging her choices, but only because he wishes he could make the same.

He opted for two pairs of salmon Nigiri sushi, a seaweed salad, and water. He wanted the California rolls but they had cheddar, wanted the chicken but it was fried, and wanted a lemonade but it wasn’t fresh. Desserts haven’t even been part of his vocabulary for a while. So he settled for this.

“Oh my god I can’t breathe…” Amanda sighs when she’s finished, holding her stomach and closing her eyes trying to stay alive.

“Yeah…I’m pretty full too.”

“What are you talking about ? You’ve barely even touched anything.” She frowns when she looks at Louis’ side.

He did eat a lot though. He had two of the salmon sushi, three quarters of the salad, and he finished the water. He was full and ready to unbutton his pants.

“Are you serious ? I ate loads.” He checked his phone and thanked God. “It’s half past, we should go.”

“Oh sh- I mean…oh no !” Amanda winces, making Louis chuckle as he stands up. “Wait, aren’t you going to take it home ?”

Louis looks at what he left on the table and it’s sticky rice and dripping seaweed and something he can’t figure the nutritional facts out of, so no. He’d rather not.

“It’s fine. But if you want you can-“ He doesn’t have to finish before his colleague is packing everything and putting it in her bag so they can head outside.

All Louis can think about until the meeting is how stuffed he feels, how tired that makes him, and what the hell is a CMC because he’s heard that explanation before but he can’t remember one thing about it. The lack of vitamins has nothing to do with that though, he’s just too tired to make his brain work properly. It doesn’t mean there’s a lack of nutrients. He’s fine.

When five arrives and Mr Pavelka is announced in the hall, he wants to hide. He’s twenty years old and looks like a grown man, but he feels like he’s a child who should be protected by adults at all time and have no responsibility for his own actions.

Amanda agreed to give him the direct number for her line so he can beep for help instead of running out of the meeting room in panic. Yes, he loves her a lot.

“It’s nice to see you again, Louis.” Jessie smiles as he shakes Louis’ hand and the latter wonders if they went to the same date. He just smiles and nods.

They walk into the meeting room and close the door, spreading the files on the table to get started. But there’s a tension in Louis’ chest and he can’t keep it in any longer because one thing he’s not comfortable with, among the other thousand things, is to let someone believe he’s rude.

“About the other night…”

“Don’t stress out about it. I saw you turn a bit pale and I understood you were feeling sick. No worries.” Jessie grins and he has a very nice smile for someone who’s been left alone in a fancy restaurant. Maybe his ego wasn’t as ginormous as Louis thought.

“Oh, okay…I’m glad you understand.”

“Please tell me if I make you uneasy. I don’t intend to.” He uses a serious tone as he sits down, unbuttoning his blazer and fixing his quiff. Nothing to fix there, but it looks ridiculously soft so he’s probably obsessed with his own hair. Louis would be.

“No you’re fine. I guess I’m a bit shy sometimes, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. The most quiet people have the loudest mind, as they say.” Jessie shrugs with his smirk intact and clears his throat before looking down at the papers.

Louis finally sits down next to him, making them converse in a perpendicular angle at the corner of the table. He can feel the client’s knee brush against his when he moves and he’s already eyeing the phone to call for help.

They manage to go over a few things without Louis fainting or embarrassing himself, and Jessie stays focused on his case. He asks a few questions and Louis’ glad he doesn’t have to get into details and explain every legal term, because he’s been in there for so long he couldn’t describe it for a million pound. In this milieu you either know or you don’t. There is no “it basically means”, only “here’s a book. Educate yourself”.

“I’m glad we could go over this. I can’t risk damaging the company’s reputation with this sort of accusations.” Jessie sighs.

“I can’t promise anything because those guys are hard to tame. But Mrs Howard hasn’t lost a case to them yet, so I’m sure it’ll be alright.”

“Very well then.” Louis can feel the client’s eyes on him as he gathers the papers to leave, surprisingly without Amanda’s help, and he’s about to stand up when he feels a hand on his thigh.

This would have been fine and enjoyable and make him flustered in other circumstances. His hand is sturdy yet gentle and he can feel his thumb stroke his leg. He could think about a lot of things like: isn’t that the introduction to a gay porno ? Is he about to lean and whisper something sexual to him ? Is this supposed to feel this overwhelming ? Is that ring a wedding ring ?

But all Louis can think about is how this hand is on his thigh, as in _resting on his chunk of fat_ , squeezing it lightly just to make sure Louis knows he can feel the extra flesh that shouldn’t be there. He’s starting to feel his chest tighten, his head is exploding, and he can’t speak.

Jessie thankfully lifts his hand, but only to fix Louis’ loose lock of hair falling on his forehead, and this is too much. Damn eyes.

It’s not that he doesn’t like it, but that man’s eyes are full of lust and persuasion, and Louis isn’t ready to make stupid choices for this loaded Greek god. He’d enjoy being spoilt though…and no one had to know, right ?

He stops thinking and starts breathing again when Jessie’s phone rings, and coughs as he pretends to not listen.

“ _Of course princess…Yes…Daddy will get you anything…I’ll see you at home…No, it’s mommy’s turn today…Bye angel._ ”

Louis rolls his eyes. Of course. He had to have a family, and a wife. Louis couldn’t be special, ever. What an idiot to think that man was truly attracted to him. What an idiot to think he could be trying out something new and discover himself with someone mature. What an idiot.

“Sorry about that.” Jessie apologizes but keeps giving that sensual look Louis thought was only for him, as if he didn’t just mention having a family.

“S’alright.” He smiles politely. “I’ll talk to Mrs Howard about everything we discussed today and she’ll give you a call.”

Louis doesn’t look at him and stands up, walking towards the door with the little dignity he has left.

“I’ll see you soon then.” That man has the guts to smirk, as if Louis hearing him talk to his daughter changed nothing.

But Louis is polite and he can’t be mean or straight forward for shit, so he nods and opens the door so the client can walk out first. The latter checks the empty hall and rests a hand on Louis’ hip before leaning toward his ear.

“You smell amazing. I’ll see you soon.” He whispers, and _winks_ , before going out.

Louis is about done to be honest.

He can still feel the man’s hand touching his love handle, is distracted by his voice spreading to his bones, and wonders how a man could be so disrespectful to his family. There was no doubt now that he was shamelessly flirting with Louis, even though he had a woman in his life and at least one kid.

Louis knows too well what it’s like though. He knows how it is to be the kid, and there was seaweed coming up his throat.

He couldn’t have met someone in uni, couldn’t have met someone in a coffee shop, couldn’t just run into the woman of his dreams, and that felt like Hell. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, what he ever did to the universe, and he’s not sure he can keep hoping for some sort of change of luck.

He walks to the assistant’s office to see Amanda already left, walks to Mrs Howard’s to see her closed door and remember she wouldn’t be back, and grabs his messenger bag and coat to go home.

He’s hungry. He’s not, but he feels like eating. His mind is going too fast and his immediate thoughts are cereals and milk and mash and soup…

But he fights it. He walks home, ignoring every single light of every single supermarket that crosses his path. He’s not doing this. He can’t. He knows if he does it once, he won’t stop. So he keeps walking, until he gets to his building.

He climbs the stairs so slowly he’s not certain he’s moving. He keeps his head down, breathing heavily as he drags his feet.

He’s about to open his door, but he hears a squeak behind him. When he turns around, there’s nothing, so he turns his key in the hole of his doorknob, and opens the door. He takes one step inside but clearly hears the squeak again, and he knows what kind of noise that is.

He walks back out and checks behind the stairs to see the little black pug crying behind a box. He looks afraid and his puppy eyes look distressed as he keeps shaking.

“Oh, Tootsie…” Louis frowns, bending under the staircase to take the puppy. “What are you doing here, hm ?”

The dog licks his chin and Louis giggles, tickled by the pug’s tongue as he walks to his neighbours’ door. He knocks and rings the bell, but no answer. He waits for them though. At least ten minutes. But there’s no one.

He looks down at Tootsie and sees the dog look at him expectedly, resting his chubby face on his chest. Damn puppies.

He turns to go to his flat and finds a small piece of paper and a pen to write a note he slides under the Griffiths’ door, notifying them that he’s got Tootsie so they can come pick him up when they return.

He closes the door when he’s back and puts him down, the dog immediately exploring the flat. The sound of his little nails on the wooden floor pains Louis, but he can’t really leave him outside with no one, especially given how young he is, no older than seven month or so.

“I think I have some food for you somewhere little boy…” Louis coos and opens Kitten’s cupboard to find he indeed had some treats left. He checks if it’s still eatable and nods to himself before getting the old bed out and the toys he had kept, placing everything in the living room for his guest.

“C’mere mate !” He calls for the dog who’s wandering everywhere.

He finds him in the bedroom on his bed and scolds him, puffing a laugh when the puppy tilts his head on one side in confusion.

“Bed is no, little guy.” Louis takes him in his arms and closes every single door to avoid any incidents. He smirks at the sight of his wobbly head, getting up and down as he walks.

He puts him in the dog bed and gives him a rubber bone, watching in delight as the puppy bites and flees with the toy too big for his size, ears jiggling as he happily runs to the couch.

Louis sits down next to him and tries hard to not think about anything. He can’t have the thoughts rush right now unless he wants his neighbour to hate him. He can’t kick this baby out without surveillance after all, no matter how bad it hurts to see how much he looks like Kitten.

He turns the telly on and zaps through everything until he finds a show he’s not too bored with. He soon feels a weight on his lap, and looks down as Tootsie curls up into a little ball, head bent on Louis’ hip.

He takes a deep breath and slowly lowers his hand to pet his head. And just like that, it’s not okay anymore.

It feels like Kitten, looks like Kitten, smells like Kitten, but it’s not Kitten.

He closes his eyes and feels his lips trembling as he caresses the dog to sleep, watching him close his eyes the same way his own dog used to. He watches his tiny body raise and fall, black coat shimmering with the TV screen.

And it’s just not okay.

He’s crying and sobbing and can’t get his hand back on the puppy. It’s too much and his heart is racing and he cannot do this anymore. He carefully wraps his arms around the sleepy animal and walks out.

He knocks on the door and rings the bell and calls every single member of this household, but no one is answering.

Louis is having a panic attack and he can’t be in charge of anyone right now. He can’t look after the dog, especially after the dog, and he needs someone to just come and take him away from his arms.

“Someone ! Please !” Louis cries and it feels like he’s yelling but he really is just whispering loudly. His heart is drowning him and his arms are going numb, shaking around the baby pug.

He sits down and puts the dog on the floor, glad he’s sleeping on the fluffy carpet. He leans back against the wall and bangs his head trying to breathe again.

“Someone…please…” He’s out of breath and can’t keep his eyes open because he’s sure he’s going to see something that’s not there. “Please…”

He can feel his heart in his mouth and his body is getting lighter, the noises around him  going quiet and taking him to a deafening silence.

“Louis ! Louis !” He can hear echoes of voices around him but can’t open his eyes. “Oh my god ! Darling, get some water !” 

He didn’t even realize he had his mouth open, allowing his neighbors to pour water in it as he struggled to swallow.

When he finally opens his eyes and feels himself again, he can only apologize. He’s not completely recovered yet, but he can speak and probably walk, so he ignores the old couple to crawl to his flat and get his medication. Thank God he still has this one.

He takes one tablet and assures the neighbors that he’s fine and will call them tomorrow. He can vaguely remember them explaining they thought they had lost their dog and had gone looking for him outside, but apart from that, it’s just a blur and he really needs to lay down.

He falls asleep on the couch within seconds only to wake up in the middle of the night, still dressed in his work clothes and a bit disoriented.

He checks his phone to see three in the morning, two missed calls from Niall, and a text from his mom. He reads the novel from Jay telling him how worried she is and how much she loves him and how she wishes he could talk to her, and he rolls his eyes before getting up.

He doesn’t think.

He doesn’t think when he puts the dog accessories back into the closet. He doesn’t think when he gets undressed to only put his shorts on, doesn’t think when he presses the remote button to watch videos he knows by heart, doesn’t think when he turns on all of the lights, and doesn’t think when he goes to the kitchen.

_Pasta...no…there’s not the tomato sauce or cream._

_Rice…painful._

_Bread…impossible._

_Frozen pizza…chunky._

_Cookies…too risky._

_Crisps…too sharp._

He opened every cupboard and is leaning against the counter across them, biting his nails as he analyses in his head each product he owns and how easy it is to get it in to determine how easy it’ll be to get it out.

_Soup. Tomato soup._

_Mashed carrots._

_Boiled fish._

_Cereals and milk._

_Marinated veggies._

He sets his dining table with everything eatable and grabs the biggest bottle of water he has.

He places everything in the order of consumption, from the food he doesn’t mind digesting part of, to the one that cannot stay in at any costs. Everything is served in plastic plates and bowls and the bottle is opened right next to him for easy access.

He checks the time on the TV clock, and waits for three thirty to start. There’s a show going on and he doesn’t pay attention to it, but he also doesn’t want to think about what he’s going to do.

And then he does it, every twenty minutes until there’s nothing left on the table.

When the flat is clean and he’s taken a shower, he puts his pyjama bottoms and sweater on and slips under the covers trying to stay warm. His stomach starts to growl, however, and he finds himself standing up again, changing into simple shorts and repeating everything he had just done with anything he finds, until he sees seven in the morning.

And then he falls on the bed, dizzy and coughing and still hungry and cold, but too tired to go on.

 

 

****

 

 

“ _Hey mate ! Where the fuck are you, lazy pants ?!_ ” Niall laughs.

“What ?” Louis says in a low and hoarse voice, muffled by the pillow.

“ _Are you in bed ?! Louis, the lecture starts in five minutes !_ ”

“I don’t think I’ll make it. I had a bad night…I’ll come this afternoon though, can you guys take notes for me ?” Louis struggles to form clear words, throat itching.

“ _Of course bro. Get your arse over there for international relations ! We can’t go through that without you again !”_ Niall whines and Louis giggles as much as he can.

“I’ll be there. See you in a bit.” Louis hangs up and buries his head back into the pillow.

There’s a tiny red spot on the pillowcase, which he completely ignores to stand up and stretch. His jaw hurts a bit and he’s still exhausted, but he goes to take a shower anyway.

He lets it pour over him just like every time and wanders there forever until he can’t think of another thing to stress about. He wraps a towel around his waist and doesn’t even glance at the mirror when he brushes his sensitive teeth.

When he’s dressed in his black jeans, loose grey top with long sleeves, and his black coat, he packs his bag and puts his black Converse on to head out.

The next class is in three hours, but if he stays inside he won’t go to that either.

He feels slow and his eyes are still half closed. The weather is just not cooperating and he finds himself shake in the cold, wind slapping his face, and fingertips going numb in his pockets.

He can’t focus on much as he walks toward the campus. He can’t hear the cars around him and he zigzags between the passers when they’ve already bumped into him, and he’s about to fall if he goes any faster.

“Mate ? Are you alright ?” A man in front of a shop asks when Louis lifts his head up. He nods with a weak smile and just keeps walking.

He’s fine. His insides are burning and he’s too empty and his eyelids are too heavy and his heart shouldn’t be this loud, but he’s fine. He’s walking like he’s going to faint any second and he can still taste the aftermath of the night – or early morning - but he’s fine. He’s completely fine.

He approaches the school and stops at the red light. He can hear the ring for blind people going off, so he doesn’t bother looking up when he crosses the road.

“Oh my god !” A woman yells behind him.

He’s suddenly pushed backwards, lifted from the ground for a second. He can literally feel the side of the rushing bus inches away from his cheek, and opens his eyes to see he’s a few steps from where he was heading in the first place.

“Louis !” The familiar voice calls him. He’s turned around and shaken to open his eyes and when he does, he just smiles.

“Hi.”

“What are you on ?!” Harry exclaims, holding his shoulders harshly in his hands.

“What ?” Louis breathes, body flaccid in Harry’s arms as he fights to keep his eyes open.

“Are you on drugs ?! You almost got hit by a bus !” Harry shouts in his face and all Louis can do his nod and close his eyes again, because tired. He’s way too tired. Sleep. Sleep sounds good. Now. Bed. “Oh god.”

Before Harry can protest, Louis is falling against his chest and letting his frail body completely crumble into him. He can feel himself get off the ground and carried for a bit, but then he’s dreaming so he most definitely just fell asleep in the middle of the road in a stranger’s arms.

When he finally wakes up, he’s lying on a bench, head on someone’s lap. The wind isn’t attacking him anymore so he might be under some kind of shelter, and it feels really good to be well rested, until he realizes he doesn’t remember falling asleep on someone’s lap.

He quickly sits up in horror and turns to see Harry jump next to him.

“Fuck.” He mutters, surprisingly relieved that it’s just the weirdo from the suicide bridge.

“How are you feeling ?” Harry starts rubbing his back but Louis arches it and winces, making him drop his hand. “Sorry.” He doesn’t want Harry to touch his back for his reluctance towards spontaneous touches, but he also feels like someone punched him there and he had just hit a bruise.

“What happened ?”

“You almost got hit by a bus and then fell asleep in my arms. I figured you were going to uni so I thought I’d bring you here.” Louis nods as he takes in the information and looks around, recognizing  his building not too far away.

“Thank you…”

“So…you’re gonna tell me what drugs you took to nearly die against your will for once ?”

“Sleep deprivation.” Louis shrugs.

“Oh.”

“Always there at the right time, huh ?” He chuckles.

“I was going to my classes and saw you walking right into that bus with your head down.”

“Wait…Are you missing a lecture because of me ? I’m so sorry, you should go, I didn’t mean to !“ Louis already feels awful for making Harry ditch his class because he can’t take care of himself properly.

“Not a problem. At least I can say I missed it because I was saving a life !” Harry jokes and it somehow makes Louis smile. “Wow.”

“What ?”

“You have a very nice smile.” Harry looks awestruck by Louis’ face, making the latter frown and shake his head in disapproval. “Please don’t take it away from here…”

Louis frowns again, pretending he hasn’t heard that last part.

“What time is it ?” He retrieves his phone in his back pocket and cusses.

“Missed your class ?”

“Yeah. You’ve been staying with me for two hours ?!”

“Well, I couldn’t just leave you on a bench, could I ?” Harry grins and Louis suddenly feels very warm inside. Someone willing to wait with him for hours to make sure he was safe wasn’t really his daily life.

“Thank you.” He says shyly, blushing a bit.

“You’re welcome, beautiful.”

“I told you not to call me that already.” Louis scolds, only making Harry laugh. His loud cackle is a bit contagious though, so he finds himself giggling as well.

“What’s your nickname then ?”

“I don’t like nicknames. But my friends call me Tommo.”

“Why not ? It’s affectionate ! Tommo sounds too...” Harry pulls a funny face and groans, trying to describe how he feels about the name as he impersonates The Hulk. “ _Louis_ …” He coos his name, pensive, trying to make up something. “Do people call you Lou ? I like Lou.”

It does sound nice.

“No…”

“Then I’ll call you Lou.” Harry smiles happily, and Louis doesn’t argue for this one.

“What class did you miss ?” He asks before showing an embarrassingly big smile.

“History.” Harry says rapidly. “I mean, of course, since I’m in the history section.” He chuckles nervously. “History of…”

Two seconds pass.

“You’re lying.” Louis shakes his head, grinning. “Do you even go here ?”

“I’m not lying. I just…” Harry looks down and sighs. “I failed the first semester and got kicked out for non attendance. I was on my way to get my transcripts…It’s not something I want to brag about.”

“Oh. Sorry…”

“You were bored again ?” Harry changes the subject and points at Louis’ pinky, freshly painted in black. “Why not put it on all of them ?” He asks, taking his hand and examining each finger.

“Dunno…” Because he always gets questions when he does and it’s tiring.

“You have nice hands…your fingers are really thin though…” Harry whispers as he strokes them. Louis frowns but lets him explore his hand. The boy’s palm is warm and his touch is comforting, so maybe this can be allowed right now. But just right now.

There’s a brief silence after that and Louis wonders why it’s the exact moment his stomach chooses to scream.

“Hungry ?” Harry chuckles.

“No.” Louis immediately says, slightly aggressive as he brings his hand on his own lap.

“I think this guy is saying otherwise.” Harry tilts his head and points at Louis’ tummy with a pout. “Wanna go grab something to eat ?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Fair enough. Then you can walk with me to Mark & Spencer and watch me buy my snacks ?” He suggests.

Louis already missed his last class of the day and he doesn’t have anything else to do. Plus, Harry had just saved his life, he sort of owed him that.

“Sure.”

They walk to the shop that’s on campus and go through every single aisle. Louis feels as dizzy as before and he makes sure to stay close to Harry in case he falls, or dies.

“Why are you taking so long to choose ?” He almost cries.

“We’ve been here for five minutes, Louis. I’m looking for the sandwiches.” Harry says with a soft voice, not at all annoyed by Louis’ impatience.

They get to the sweets and snacks aisle and Louis turns the other way, pretending to check the canned vegetables. He’s rapidly pulled by his arm though, unable to escape Harry’s grip who probably thought Louis got lost.

“Ouh ! They have Crunchies !” Harry sings excitedly before giving attention to something else. “Ouh ! Snickers !”

“That’s disgusting…” Louis mumbles under his breath.

“You don’t like Snickers ?!” Harry gasps.

“I’m not a fan of candies…or sugar in general.” Harry gasps louder, choking on air.

“What ?! Who hurt you ?!” The boy keeps his eyes big, exposing the green stones he was gifted with, and brings a hand to his heart as if Louis had just stabbed him.

"I just don’t like it. Never did.” That’s not completely true. There was a time when he enjoyed sugar like everyone, but that was such a long time ago it barely even counted.

Harry stays frozen for three more seconds and then rushes down the aisle, leaving Louis alone among the snacks.

He doesn’t want to go find him and get the both of them lost, not having his phone number to ring him. So he just waits. He tries hard not to eye anything, but there’s food everywhere and the crisps are there and the chocolate bars are there, all watching him.

He looks up and his eyes land on the cookies he used to eat by dozens and the cakes he would swallow within minutes. He sees the cinnamon treats he’d devour until his throat tightened, and sees the crepes he used to pile up on a plate and call dinner.

When Harry comes back, running and apologizing for pushing everyone out of the way politely, he has a basket. He doesn’t wait to fill it with every sweets that come in hand, every snack that’s too sugary and artificial, every candy Louis says he hates.

“Very healthy...” Louis remarks.

“It will be in this case ! You can’t possibly hate happiness !” Harry takes his hand and drags them both to the freezers. “Do you like ice cream ?”

“Not so much…” Louis makes a disgusted face and Harry’s jaw drops.

“White chocolate ! We need white chocolate !” Harry says as he scans the rows in search of a treasure.

“Oh no. Please. Everything but white chocolate !” Louis is starting to panic.

“Why ?”

“It’s just…it’s not even chocolate. It’s just…fat.”

Harry frowns and stares at Louis for a brief moment before climbing off the freezer. He sets the basket down and comes closer with his mouth pouting in a corner. Louis’ not too sure what he’s about to do when he keeps getting closer, until he raises a finger to dig it in his cheek.

“What are you doing ?” He asks, a bit concerned that this boy is poking his cheek for no reason.

“It’s hollow.”

“Mpfh.” Louis huffs. “Real funny. Can we go now ? I think you have enough food for the whole year.”

Harry frowns in complete bewilderment.

“You don’t like chocolate ?” He has the voice of a hurt child and Louis rolls his eyes and sighs, because he shouldn’t be discussing food right now. He’d really be better off not talking about it ever. He looks more scared than angry right now, but he really hopes Harry gives up.

“No. I don’t. Can we go ?” Louis begs with a shaky voice. Harry’s starting to act like Louis’ hurting him by not stuffing his face with junk food, and he really can’t stand making other people this sad.

The boy closes the freezer and lifts the basket, only to put it aside in a corner, leaving the sugar factory behind. He walks beside Louis in silence and grabs a BLT sandwich and a few other things before heading to the cashiers to get out.

Louis can’t help feeling guilty. Harry was so excited and hyper to make him try all those snacks, bringing back good memories of the mainstream childhood treats and sugary dental nightmares…

He hates himself for that. But what doesn’t he hate himself for anyway ?

“Louis !” Liam shouts from a few cashiers away. He’s with Niall and Zayn and leaves them to jog to his friend. “So you’re walking around the building but can’t go inside ?!”

“Hi ! I had a little unexpected accident, almost got smashed by a bus and shit !” Louis explains, making it sound like he was scared to death even though he barely even flinched.

“What ?! Are you okay ?!” Liam doesn’t wait to check if Louis has an injury, quickly stopped by firm hands.

“I’m fine, thanks to him.” Louis tilts his head in Harry’s direction. “Harry, that’s Liam.”

“Nice to meet you man.” Liam shakes Harry’s hand who smiles politely but looks a bit stiff.

“Tommo ! Where were you today ?!” Niall appears behind Liam to hug Louis who opens his arms but doesn’t wrap them around his friend, completely stoic as he waits for the blond lad to pull away.

“He almost got hit by a bus !” Liam tells him and goes back to being shocked with him.

“Fuck ! You didn’t miss much though, it was boring and she kept talking about studying abroad, so you won’t have a lot to catch up on.” Niall informs Louis who lets out a victorious ‘yes’ between his teeth as Zayn approaches.

“Louehh !” He goes for a brotherly embrace and pats Louis’ back before stepping away.

“This is Zayn…and Niall.” Louis introduces his friends to Harry who doesn’t even smile, already taking a step back, ready to run out. “This is Harry.”

“Have we met before ?” Zayn frowns.

“No. I don’t think so.” Harry shakes his head.

“Yeah yeah…I don’t remember where, but I never forget a face. Did you get tats done at Sammy’s ?” Zayn insists.

“No. I don’t know that place.” Harry shrugs. “I better leave you with your friends…” He says when he turns to Louis.

“You can hang out with us ! You saved Tommo’s life, we all owe you !” Niall smiles, teeth out and happiness radiating, almost blinding Louis.

“We were going to the pub. Join us !” Liam adds.

“I have somewhere to be. “ Harry looks less friendly than usual. He’s turned into a cold and intimidating block of glass and Louis tries to read the expression on his face, but there’s no shyness or anguish or anything. There’s just a strong will to get away from everyone.

Before Louis can say anything, Harry’s already squeezed his shoulder to say goodbye and got out of the shop.

“He’s…nice…” Niall raises a brow. “Did you know him before today ?”

“Kind of...” Louis mutters and starts walking with his friends, not hiding his disappointment to not be with Harry anymore.

He liked his company. It was easy and comfortable and he didn’t have the pity look written all over his face. He felt bad refusing all the sweets, but he still wanted to get to know him and wouldn’t mind hearing him laugh again.

He had turned into a complete different person for a few minutes though. He was so outgoing and chatty with Louis, but turned into a wall with his friends. He was almost rude to Zayn, and he only said goodbye to him when he left, completely ignoring his friends.

 

 

*****

 

 

“No mom, I’m not coming home. I’m fine here.”

“ _But your friends are going on the ski trip and you’re not. Don’t you wanna come see Ernie and Doris ? I’ll cook for you and you’ll breathe a bit…”_ Jay tries her best, but Louis keeps rejecting every offer.

“Not everyone is leaving and I have a few things to take care of here.”

“ _But what things though, honey ? I don’t want you to spend the holiday by yourself in your room. Are you eating properly ? Do I need to call Mrs Griffith to check on you ?_ ”

“Oh my god, mom ! I’m not five I can take care of myself ! And I said I wasn’t coming, so I won’t. I need to stay by myself for now and what you say won’t change that.” Louis says strictly.

“ _But you’ve been staying even more alone since Kitten died, sweetheart…”_ Jay reminds him and Louis feels like someone just punched him in the stomach _. “You need to make an effort to move on. You can come home and I’ll take care of you. Maybe you could get another dog and I’ll help you with everything ?”_

“No !” Louis snaps. He can feel himself turn red. “I won’t get another dog, I won’t come home, and I can’t just move on. You act like I just need to forget about it but I can’t and I don’t feel ready yet to get over it. So stop talking to me about him and stop asking me to come home because I won’t !” Louis shouts and hangs up.

The second he puts down his phone, it starts ringing again, and he really wishes people would just leave him alone and forget he exists. Just like he does.

“What ?!” He takes the call with the remaining anger.

“ _Tommo ? You’re mad ?_ ” Liam asks with a sweet voice, making Louis squint his eyes and take a deep breath. The last thing he wants is to hurt someone who hasn’t done anything.

“No, sorry. What’s up ?”

“ _What do you mean what’s up ?! Don’t tell me you forgot about tonight.”_

“What’s tonight ?” Louis checks the date and nothing comes to mind.

“ _Oh Lord. The new Paranormal Activity is out at midnight today !”_

Great.

The one thing Louis needed was to be reminded that he could no longer go see his favourite movies with his friends and perpetuate the tradition. Liam, Niall and himself always went to every single horror movie that was out. They didn’t miss one of them.

They had started attending the premieres that were usually at midnight at the local theatre that scared the crap out of them because it was ancient and small and the seats squeaked when they breathed.

But since the psychotic incident, he hadn’t watched an even just slightly scary movie, not even a thriller, not a parody, nothing. It got his heart throbbing and his mind switched to panic mode, and he just couldn’t sleep if he allowed himself to see one scene.

He couldn’t tell his friends that though. He couldn’t tell them he wouldn’t be able to do half of the things they love doing together. It was what made them this close and he didn’t want to ruin it for everyone.

Maybe he could try. Months had passed, maybe he wasn’t as sensitive as before. Maybe he could try.

“Oh, right…Should we meet before ? Or there ?”

“ _I’ve got plans with my sister tonight, so we’ll meet at the front ! I’m so excited I’m already peeing !”_ Liam says and Louis can picture him hopping on the spot.

“I am too !” Louis fakes excitement. “Did you tell Niall ?”

“ _The guy’s probably already in front of the gates !”_ Liam laughs. Louis joins him and they agree on meeting fifteen minutes before to prepare themselves mentally, and hang up.

It was currently five in the afternoon and Louis was already stressing out. The first thing he did was to pack the pills for his anxiety, and the ones for hallucinations…you can never be too cautious. He put a few in a flat bag easily fitting his pocket, and started looking for what he’ll wear.

Niall and Liam didn’t care about what he wore. He could pretty much show up with a bin bag and they wouldn’t say anything. But he could still feel their eyes on him and catch them eyeing his legs or his arms, so he knew he’d spend over an hour trying out outfits.

He settles on the usual black jeans and warm jumper since it’s a casual plan and no one even goes to that creepy place.

He figures he might as well take a nap if he wants to stay awake tonight, and taps his empty stomach to be quiet. He’s already freaking out and food won’t make it any easier.

The streets are silent and the darkness is getting unsettling. The fog ahead also doesn’t really make you want to take one more step. But Louis keeps walking. He doesn’t run into anyone, because who would be walking around this late in the cold, except him and his friends of course.

He gets closer to the place and can already see a blond head jumping everywhere, his laugh echoing all the way to where Louis is.

“Loueh !” He yells when Louis is two blocks away, and runs to hug him. “It’s gonna be so much fun !” Louis agrees but wants to scream that there’s a chance he might not make it out alive.

There’s only a few people in there, a couple that’ll most probably won’t watch anything to make out, an old guy with two bags of pop corn front row, and a group of four teenagers laughing loud.

They reach the very last row, even though it’s not that far away from the screen given the size of the place, and Louis makes sure to sit between his friends, creating a safe cocoon in case he doesn’t survive tonight.

There is no trailer, no commercial, no chance to chill before diving into the movie. The lights go off and Louis’ heart drops. None of them got food since they know they won’t pay any attention to it and won’t have free hands to eat anyway, already digging their nails into each other’s palms.

“ _Ah_ !” Liam screams when the first image comes on. The few people there laugh and Louis finds himself cry laughing at his friend already losing it at the credits.

But then the actual movie starts.

Louis’ doing alright. He knows the scary scenes are not for a while, so he doesn’t clench his fists in his friends’ hands yet. He has them on each of his cheek, ready to cover his eyes, but he’s not biting on them yet so it’s all good.

And then it’s not.

The idea of an amateur camera recording the late-night happenings of a house could be fine and all, but that movie requires a lot of attention on details to see what’s wrong with the scene and that gets Louis’ heart pumping. He’s scared to look at the door and notice prints, scared to look at the bed and see the blanket fly, and scared to look at his friends even more terrified than he is. Being the one who usually doesn’t get scared is just not helping tonight.

He figures he won’t make it very far if he loses it now, so he looks away and eyes the room instead, glad he did when everyone starts panicking around him, making him and his friends laugh but secretly want to escape.

Looking elsewhere is not that reassuring though. He spots someone he hadn’t seen when they walked in, and he’s pretty sure no one arrived after them. It looks like a guy with a black hoodie on, sitting a few rows down, alone. He’s not moving or reacting at all, so Louis even considers it being a shadow, but he starts turning his head in his direction, so Louis quickly looks back at the screen before he catches him staring.

Louis spends the rest of the movie with one eye open and Niall’s hair in his nose. They’re clinging onto each other so much they could share one seat, and they’re crying from laughter whenever someone screams when a plate falls without any paranormal intervention.

The movie ends without Louis dying, so he can’t stop smiling and he’s actually had a good time, laughing loud and having fun like they used to. He had missed this. He hadn’t done something like this for a long while and it felt so good he wants to cry a bit.

When they come out, they stay in the front to chat and have a smoke for a bit before parting ways, sharing what they felt for each scene and arguing over who scratched whose hand the most.

“Hey, Harry !” Niall calls behind Louis.

The latter turns around to see the guy with the black hoodie was actually Harry, always dressed like the night.

“Oh. Hello.” Harry nods, frigid, getting out his own pack of cigarette to get one.

“Okay…” Liam mutters, taken aback by the lack of courtesy.

“I’m gonna go lads, Zayn didn’t take his key so I have to go back before him.” Niall announces and hugs them all before walking away.

“I’ll go as well, be careful on your way home !” Liam says as he jogs to the nocturnal bus stop.

Louis takes another drag as he looks over his shoulder to notice Harry still leaning against the gate, hoodie over his head as he exhales circles of smoke in the air.

“Are you mad at me ?” He asks from afar.

“Of course not.” Harry giggles, suddenly friendly again. He throws his cigarette butt on the ground and crushes it with his boot, and looks up to walk towards Louis. “How are you, beautiful ?”

Louis frowns, slightly confused by this persona, and gets rid of his own cigarette before speaking.

“I thought you’d call me ‘Lou’ now.”

Harry chuckles and bites a smirk, and it somehow makes Louis grin, because that boy’s smile is as contagious as his laugh.

“You like it then ?”

“I didn’t say I didn’t.” Louis shrugs. “Liked the movie ?”

“Was alright I guess. A bit too Hollywood, but alright.”

“Too Hollywood ? That was the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen !”

“Have you ever witnessed a paranormal activity ?” Harry asks seriously.

“No…”

“Then you can’t tell.”

“As if you have !” Louis laughs, but stops when Harry doesn’t. “You have ?!”

“Sort of.” He pouts.

“That’s creepy. Even for you.” Louis feels shivers in his whole body just talking about it.

“Even for me ?” Harry frowns.

“You hang out on suicide bridges and go see horror movies at midnight alone. It doesn’t get much creepier than that !” Louis jokes, but saying it out loud reminds him it really isn’t that normal to do that.

“So ? You stood on the other side of that bridge more than once and followed a stranger in an empty park at night. I don’t think we’re that different.” Louis ponders what Harry said and opens his mouth to disagree, but he doesn’t know how.

“Good point.”

“Shall I walk you home ?” Harry suggests, stretching an arm in the right direction.

“I could’ve been going the other way…”

“Are you ?”

“No.” Louis shakes his head and starts walking, jumping when Harry suddenly bursts out laughing for no apparent reason.

“You’re so funny, Lou.”

They keep walking for a few minutes in silence and Louis is almost asking why the guy isn’t climbing everything as usual, but he doesn’t want to imply he likes it when he does.

“Do you live around here ?” He asks instead.

“Um…yeah.” Harry doesn’t even seem sure to know where he lives. What even is he.

“Very convincing…” Louis chuckles and bumps into his shoulder playfully and regrets it immediately.

He squints his eyes and asks himself why the hell would he do that. Were they there yet ? Could they touch like that ? Are they friends enough ? Are they friends ? Are they still strangers ? Did he just ruin everything ? Is that shoulder made of steel ?

Harry pushes him back lightly though, and giggles with a bright smile. Louis doesn’t have to throw himself off that bridge tonight then, cool.

“I live on Foxton.”

“ _Oooh_ !”

Foxton was a street around here without being around here. It’s a neighbourhood that crosses paths with Louis’ but wasn’t considered as his, it was confusing for everyone, so he understood Harry’s hesitation.

They get to Louis’ building and he doesn’t know if he should let Harry know where he lives, so he stops a few doors before, pretending to live somewhere else.

“So that’s me…” He purses his lips, rocking on his feet awkwardly.

“You live in a restaurant ?” Harry raises a brow. Louis turns around to see the sign and curses. Dammit Louis.

The boy just giggles and twists his bottom lip between his thumb and index.

“You don’t want me to know where you live. It’s fine. I get it.”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you…but you know…you were in a creepy place past midnight alone to watch demons…so…yeah…” Louis winces.

Harry laughs so loud Louis has to take a step back, cackles hitting his face.

“I promise I’m not a serial killer.”

“M’yeah…I haven’t determined that yet.” Louis jokes, but he’s still half sincere.

“So I guess I’ll let you go sleep with the pizzas then.” Harry chuckles one more time and winks.

It’s not the same wink as Mr Pavelka though. This one is sweet and soft and friendly…and adorable. Let’s say things as they are, that boy was being adorable.

“Wait !” Louis calls for him when he starts to walk away.

He doesn’t know what to say after that though…He just didn’t want him to leave this early. Two something in the morning wasn’t early, but he liked his company and wouldn’t mind extending it.

Harry turned around as he fixed his hair, running a hand in the glimmering curls under the hoodie.

“Do you wanna hang out ?” Louis asks, but figures it probably sounds weird. “Sometimes, I mean.”

Harry licks his bottom lip with a grin and brings his hands in his pockets as he walks back towards Louis.

“Does now count as sometimes ?”

_Yes._

“Um…you know, yeah, whatever…” Louis shrugs.

“I’ll follow you then.” Harry giggles at Louis’ social skills.

Should he invite him in his flat ? Is that safe ? Is he going to kill him ? He looks like someone who enjoys human flesh. Is he a cannibal ? Has Louis cleaned the kitchen ?

“This way.”

They climb the stairs to Louis’ flat because he’s suicidal anyway, and opens his door praying he doesn’t regret this. He hasn’t had a new friend in a while so he doesn’t even know how it’s supposed to go and when’s the right time to invite them over.

“It’s very…clean.” Harry mutters when he looks around.

A normal person would ask permission to even breathe in the house with Louis’ consent. A normal person would wait for the host to gesture where he can sit or walk. A normal person would look around without a word. But this is Harry who watches people kill themselves and assures he’s witnessed demons’ works, so it doesn’t go like that.

He takes off his shoes and hangs his hoodie on the coat rack. Turns out he’s covered in tattoos, sporting a sheer short-sleeved black tee, and looks even paler than Louis. He walks around and touches everything and Louis can hear everything he owns being touched as he checks the drinks he has in the fridge.

“I have beers and lemonades…” He shouts from the kitchen.

“A beer will be fine, thanks !” Harry yells back.

When Louis comes back with a beer and a bottled water, Harry is going through his DVD collection on the shelf.

“You’re a real fan of horror movies…”

“Yeah.”

“You didn’t seem too relaxed in the cinema.” Harry mumbles, still reading every titles.

“You were watching me ?” Louis’ not even surprised at this point, but still.

“I heard you.” He takes out a sleeve and tilts his head on the side. “You have the entire Scream saga ?”

“’Course I do. It’s hilarious !”

“It’s useless.” Harry frowns, making Louis gasp as he opens his new friend’s beer.

“It’s a classic ! You can’t possibly tell me you don’t like them. Especially the last one ! Come on !”

Harry takes the fourth DVD of the franchise and falls on the couch next to Louis, leaning on his elbow right next to him.

“I’ve never seen it. Let’s watch it.”

Louis could actually use a funny movie to forget the horror of the one he just saw. He takes the disc from Harry’s hand and gets up to bend over and reach the movie player under the telly.

“Do you-“ He turns briefly to ask if he wants him to turn the lights off but finds the boy staring at him. “Were you staring at my bum ?”

“I enjoy beautiful things.” Harry shrugs as if it’s completely normal, and Louis just rolls his eyes and chuckles. What is this boy.

“Should I turn the lights off ?”

“Yes please !”

Louis obliges and goes back to the couch, sitting with his crossed legs right next to Harry who took over the chaise lounge part of the furniture, stretching his long legs and moaning when he finds the perfect position.

“You didn’t get a beer ?” Harry asks when he leans to get his own on the coffee table.

“It’s a bit late for alcohol.”

“Oh, okay mom.” Harry huffs.

“Hey !” Louis nudges his side. He’s not reluctant to drinking, but consuming anything other than water past seven on a normal night was just not his thing. “I don’t like going to bed full.”

“It’s a beer, not a burger.” Harry says and turns to offer Louis his bottle. “Here. Live a little.”

“I don’t like beer.”

“Lies. C’mon, I promise I’m not sick.” Louis just rolls his eyes and takes a sip, not willing to argue forever. The beer is nice and cold and he can feel the entire path of the liquid in his body. “There you go ! Do you feel full ?”

“S’alright.” Louis shrugs.

“You had half of a sip, of course it’s alright. You can drink more if you want. I’ll probably won’t finish it anyway.”

They start watching the movie after that and Louis can feel his stomach twist. He hadn’t had much today and the beer triggered his hunger, making him wince every two seconds, feeling bubbly and uncomfortable and just wrong.

He tried applying pressure around his middle with his arms to stop the feeling, but it kept hitting him somehow and yes…he needed food.

“Are you hungry ?” He whispered to Harry.

“No I’m good.”

“I’ll go take something.” He gets up and walks to the kitchen, hearing Harry laugh as he goes through the fruits available, glad he could make his weird guest enjoy the movie.

He comes back with a ball of grapes and Harry might have said he didn’t need anything, he’s the first to pick one.

“She’s an idiot ! Run !” He yells at the screen, making Louis laugh too much as he watches Harry’s reactions. The boy is passionate and keeps commenting on every single thing wrong with the movie and it’s just hilarious. “Ok, so now you’re dead, dumbass.”

As they get closer to the end, Louis gets closer to tears. Harry is sitting on his calves on the couch, tugging at his hair as he curses at every scene.

“What ?!” He exclaims at the final revealed plot. “I’m done. What ?! But I thought…WHAT ?!”

Louis can’t even bring himself to turn the TV off when the end credits finish, too busy laughing on the cushions.

When Harry falls back down on the couch, mouth still wide open in shock, Louis keeps giggling and turns to pat his shoulder in sympathy.

“Are you gonna be alright ?” He tries to be serious but can’t help laughing.

“I’m…I trusted her.” Harry sighs. “You know what…” He rests his hand on Louis’ knee next to him and waves it as he speaks. “…I may have trust issues now.”

Louis laughs again, voice breaking, making him cough as Harry starts giggling seeing Louis choke on laughter.

They keep chatting about the movie for a while, until Harry gets up to stretch.

He lifts his arms above his head, making his shirt slide up, exposing his soft hips coming out of his boxers. His belly button is in full view, as well as the laurel leaves tattooed on each side of his waist, ending under the waistband of his Calvin’s.

Louis glances at the way he cracks his upper body, noticing the muscles in his back, and he wonders if it should be this mesmerizing. The boy yawns like a lion and ruffles his long curls as he squints, as if untangling his hair was the most painful task.

He adjusts his jeans and Louis tries not to stare at how low he pulls them, walking towards the shelf as he massages his butt to make sure everything’s in place. These jeans look so tight Louis feels bad for what’s squished in there.

“Is that your dad ?” Harry asks when he sees the framed photo at the top.

“Yeah.”

Harry takes a quick look at the rest of the room before turning back to the picture of Louis and his father on a boat.

“Were you close ?”

It’s not that hard to figure the man in the picture is no longer there. It’s the only photo framed in the whole flat and it’s placed somewhere on its own, as a tribute rather than a decoration.

“Very.”

“I’m sorry…” Louis never knows what to say to that, so he just nods, even though Harry can’t see him. “Can I ask how ?”

“Heart attack.”

Harry doesn’t say anything and just keeps walking and looking at everything, heading to the hallway, making his way to the bedroom. Louis quickly stands up and rushes to him, not expecting him to take his own tour.

“You don’t have any pictures anywhere…” Harry notices as he eyes every detail of the room.

Louis has a giant magnet board especially made for photos, but he took them all off and stored them in a box. He can’t bring himself to put a single trace of who he used to be, reminding him of who he is now, or rather who he isn’t.

Harry squeezes the stuffed French Bulldog on the dresser and smiles, opens the random decorative box where Louis puts his guitar picks and coins, reads the quotes he has written on a board, and lies down on his bed. He actually lies down on Louis’ bed.

Louis doesn’t protest though, he’s already established this boy made himself home. And he loved when people felt comfortable at his place, so he just smiles internally.

“This mattress is Heaven.” Harry moans.

“I know, that’s why I rarely leave it.”

“How many instruments do you play ?!” Harry asks, brow furrowed when he spots the two guitars, the electronic drums and the keyboard in the corner.

“All of those.” Louis points at the instrument area. “Haven’t played in a while though.”

“Play something for me.” Harry smiles happily as he pulls the blanket to get under it, since it’s apparently his room now, and Louis doesn’t even complain about his dirty clothes on his clean sheets.

“I just told you-“

“I used to play the guitar. Your fingers don’t forget. Now play something.” Harry insists, eyes closed as he waits for his serenade.

Louis grunts but sits behind the keyboard anyway. Drums are loud, the guitars aren’t tuned, and he can control the volume of the small piano.

He vaguely remembers the first chords of Victor’s solo from The Corpse Bride , and clears his throat before hitting the first note. As soon as he does, the other notes come naturally and he finds himself playing the whole song smoothly, melody filling the room with the accurate rhythm.

It had been a long time since his hands had danced on the keyboard like that, swaying like feathers to play the movie soundtrack.

When he slows down to the end, he starts breathing again, proud of himself for finishing with little to no mistakes. He had forgotten how good it felt to get lost in a song.

He looks up to see Harry peacefully breathing with his eyes closed. He looks angelic with his fluttering lashes and his hands under one cheek, leaning on the side as if to sleep like a baby. Louis stands up quietly, not wanting to wake him up, but Harry opens his eyes and turns on his back.

“That was the most beautiful depressing solo I’ve ever heard.” Harry whispers, as if he doesn’t want to ruin the atmosphere the chords created.

“I made a few mistakes, but thank you.” Louis is blushing and is sure Harry’s just being polite.

“I didn’t hear a single one of them. You really know how to play…You’re a Tim Burton fan ?”

“I do like his work.” Louis nods, slightly surprised Harry recognized the melody. He keeps walking around the room as if even touching the bed will be invading Harry’s personal space even though it’s his own bed.

“Me too. A bit dark though…”

“That’s what I like about it. It’s different.” Louis shrugs and takes the stuffed animal on his dresser to pet it, trying to occupy his hands as he avoids Harry’s intense gaze on him.

“What’s his name ?” Harry asks, still comfortably tucked up in Louis’ bed.

“Hmm ?” Louis looks up.

“The doggy. What’s his name ? Or her name ? Or their name ?”

“It’s a toy.” Louis frowns as if Harry’s insane.

“You don’t like sugar or chocolate and you’re afraid of swings, but you can’t be this broken that you don’t have a name for your stuffed animals. I refuse to believe that.”

There’s a brief pause as Louis strokes the fluffy dog and tilts his head on the side, staring at it as he bites his lip.

“Kitten.”

“For a dog ?” Harry giggles.

“Yes.” Louis says, more serious than he should be.

He replaces it on the dresser and walks over to the bed to sit. He’s glad Harry sits up to make room for him, because his feet were touching the edge and he’s pretty sure he’d have had to sit on the boy’s shins.

“When ?” Harry asks after a few beats when Louis’ been looking down at his fingers.

“Huh ?” He faces Harry who’s not looking at him for once. He’s fidgeting with the faux fur blanket and seems to weigh the pros and cons of this conversation.

“When did you lose Kitten ?”

Louis wanted to ask how Harry was so perceptive he could read Louis’ story on his face. He didn’t have to tell him anything for him to guess his past and it was frightening. It’s like his pain was written in his eyes or something, like he couldn’t hide anything from him even if he wanted to.

“A few months ago. He had a lungworm infection.”

“How was he ?” Harry looks up.

“Black with a white streak on his belly.”

“No I mean, how was he like ?”

Louis takes a deep breath and the constant small smile on his face vanishes. He purses his lips trying to figure out how to describe his little best friend, and fixes his falling fringe before trying to make out any word.

“He was very friendly, always jumping on everyone to say hi. He loved everybody and I always had to make sure he didn’t run with a stranger trying to play with them.” Harry chuckles and lays back down, angling his feet away from Louis.

“Did he know any tricks ?”

“I didn’t…” Louis frowns, feeling the guilt build up. “I didn’t teach him anything other than sitting. He was naturally polite and learned to wait to go outside. He didn’t bark at all and was overly affectionate, always sneaking in everywhere to get a cuddle, falling asleep on me... He was the best.”

“You know it’s not your fault, right ?” Harry asked. And how the hell could he tell what Louis thought so well ?

“You don’t know what happened.” Louis can feel tears in his throat and he’s not too sure he can keep talking about this.

“Lungworm infections are in nature, you can’t provoke that, Lou.”

Despite all his efforts to keep it together, Louis crumbles. He usually can’t cry in front of other people unless he’s having a panic attack he can’t control. He normally only cries for movies if he’s not alone. This is not supposed to happen.

Before he can apologize, he feels arms around him and he wants to pull away so bad, but it’s so relaxing and Harry’s chest is so warm, so he just snuggles up against him and let it out. It’s not like he hasn’t seen him cry before, so maybe he won’t mind him sobbing a bit.

Harry is somehow enveloping Louis entirely. His arms are strong around him, his head is resting on top of his, and his chest feels like a shelter right now. He pulls him further in when Louis cries harder, placing a hand on the back of his head to hold him.

Louis had never been held like that.

He can feel an overwhelming heat around him, contrasting with how cold he was a few moments ago, can feel himself safe and protected for some reason, and the tight hold is somehow so much better than a light embrace, applying enough pressure to keep him together.

When he calms down, breathing heavily in his shell, Harry runs his hand in his hair and repeats soothing words to calm him down. He tells him to let it all out instead of letting go, tells him to cry instead of keeping his head up, and tells him it’ll be alright instead of telling him that it is.

“I’m sorry for your shirt.” Louis sniffles.

Harry giggles and Louis tries not to gulp against his bouncing chest. He can’t feel his heartbeat because his own is too loud, but he’s pretty sure he’d calm him down as well.

“It’s just a shirt.”

Louis doesn’t really want to pull away. He doesn’t want to leave those arms and doesn’t want to stop feeling Harry’s warmth around him.

“You wanna lay down ?” Harry asks, probably getting uncomfortable trying to hold Louis.

“It’s okay. I’m not going to sleep while you’re getting bored.”

“I was gonna lay down with you…if that’s okay ?”

Is it okay ?

Is it okay to let him spend the night ? Is it okay to let this guy he doesn’t know really well sleep in his bed ? Is it okay to let someone he keeps meeting in strange circumstances leave a trace in his flat ?

No it is not.

“Sure.”

They both reach the top of the bed and crawl under the furry blanket. Louis expected them to keep some sort of distance, or at least as much distance you can keep in a single bed, but Harry wraps his arm around him and pulls him against his chest, and Louis should object but he really doesn’t want to.

The sun isn’t up yet, but he’s not scared tonight. He closes his eyes and lets Harry’s arm hold him tight, not touching his hips or puzzling their lower body, keeping their legs apart and letting Louis fall asleep without having to worry about his thighs against Harry’s or his bum brushing against the boy’s crotch. It’s only secured around his torso and it feels slightly too good.

When he wakes up, he’s cold again. He doesn’t feel as safe as he felt falling asleep, and doesn’t feel a strong arm on his torso.

He checks everywhere but there’s no sign of Harry in the flat. There’s just a note on the dining table.

 

_Hi Lou,_

_I had a great time so thank you for everything._

_I hope we’ll see each other again…_

_Please take a walk and smile, it’s sunny outside._

_x_

_Harry_

 

Louis can’t help the fond smile he tries to bite back, but wonders why Harry didn’t stay longer, or why he didn’t leave his number if he wanted them to hang out again. Maybe he was just being nice and didn’t actually want to see him again. Crying and making him hold him was not his plan when he invited him over, and it would’ve probably scared himself off.

He leaves the note on the table and goes to the kitchen to get some water, and sees a bag he doesn’t remember on the counter.

In it, he finds two boxes of grapes and another small note.

_I finished your grapes…but here’s more ! :)_

He giggles and brings his face in his hands because, seriously, who even was this boy ? And how did he manage to make him smile so much ?

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments/kudos or share/rec if you like it so far :) <3
> 
> Here's a link for the piano song if the video doesn't appear for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=cyaZ35cqdR0
> 
> xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii 
> 
> I hope you're liking the story so far, I'm shaking trying no to say everything at once so excuse the long chapter haha
> 
> No second proofread so sorry for the possible typos I'll get it fixed in no time !
> 
>  
> 
> [This is what I listened to writing the last part if you'd like the ambiance :)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcrkNhn5V2g&list=PLdimmrczORDaJkNVNhBszurOFX7RiFudQ&index=7)

 

“ _Mate ! You should’ve come with us ! This guy made us ski off-piste ! Legend !_ ” Niall is almost shouting, sounding ecstatic on the phone.

“Really ?! Fuck ! Next time, I’m there !” Louis pretends he’s regretting not going to the trip with his friends.

“ _Payno ! HAHAHA ! Fuck ! Tommo I’ll call you back, Liam just mastered the ultimate wipeout and I have to take a selfie while he’s still in the snow ! And- Liam ! Stay down  ! Stay do-“_ The line goes silent so Louis reckons Niall probably figured this was an emergency. He laughs at his friend and tries to push away the growing feeling of missing out.

There was always a ski trip a short while after the exams and Louis did go the first two years and had a blast. It felt exciting to be part of something like this, dozens of students from his year going on a trip together, making memories and relaxing before going back to the three hour long lectures and sleepless nights.

It’s not that he didn’t want to go. Of course he did. But there was a voice in his head telling him he didn’t deserve to have fun. He didn’t understand it himself, but there was just this thing telling him to stay home until he became the person he really wants to be, and then he’d be able to go out and show that person off.

In the meantime, whole days spent in the flat in sweats watching entire seasons of newfound TV shows would do.

Maybe staying locked in his apartment waiting to become someone he wants to be instead of going out there and be that person can sound confusing to most people, but to Louis, it was the best idea he’d had.

He does miss going outside and doing the most simple things that make him smile though. He does miss breathing in the fresh air and walking around to the bookstore, or hang out with his friends in the park, or even just go to the gym to sweat out the anxiety.

He used to be out all day and do his best to stay busy and active. He used to make plans all the time and meet new people. He used to make the effort to live. But lately, he’s just been too tired to try.

He doesn’t really know why he’s like this to be honest.

He doesn’t know if it’s the state of his mental health, the fact that he sees himself as a waste of space, the absence of the only person he could rely on, the guilt of not taking care of his dog enough, the pressure to not fail the year, the feeling that no one understands what’s going on with him, especially himself, or maybe the fact that there’s this bloody pile of dishes he can’t seem to get rid of. Why did he have to use so many different plates in one go ? Dammit.

Whatever it is, he’s carrying it like a burden and, even though most people would try to solve each problem one by one, Louis’ thing is to dwell on it, let it destroy him, and then, when there’s nothing left of him, get rid of himself.

He’s been sitting on the couch in silence for half an hour trying to decide what he wants to do.

Should he cook something ? Go see a movie ? Call Zayn who hasn’t gone to the trip as well ? Do the dishes ? Or should he get up and do all the things he actually wants to do ?

“Mr Nobody.” He decides. “I’m going to watch Mr Nobody.”

He’s seen that movie over twenty times, but he still gets into it like the first time and still finds details he hadn’t noticed before. There’s no real explanation for the plot, he’s never searched the original interpretation and never sees it the same way. But it makes him think about life anyway, and it warms his heart every time, so there’s no harm done watching it another twenty times.

When he’s done and sobbing in a pillow, he can’t help thinking about when he’ll meet someone he’ll fall in love with this hard.

He’s never been in love, never felt that will to spend the entire day with this one person who wants to do the same with him. He’s never met a mind that matched his and never felt the butterflies people always talk about.

He did experience having a crush and being clumsy trying to act like he wasn’t melting, but it only lasted for so long and the imaginary one-way relationship could only go so far.

His thoughts go to Jessie first.

He can’t help thinking about what would happen if he actually let something…happen. What would happen if he just disregarded the slight issue that this guy has a family and tried to see what it’d feel like ?

There’s no doubt he’ll never be in love with a girl, and it may be frightening to think this, but he probably shouldn’t keep running away from the things he really wants, including the kind of people he really wants.

He lies on the couch wondering if he should tell.

Maybe it’d be easier if he dealt with it. Maybe he’d finally be less convinced everyone would reject him if they knew. Maybe he’d live and feel and love and stop being so miserable if he just accepted who he is inside.

He can’t hide forever after all. He can’t keep pretending to be someone else and let the person he really is die in every way possible. But the question is: would someone like him then ?

Cereals. Cereals sound good right now. He just wants to focus on cereals.

 

The next few days pass by without notice.

Louis has spent the entire time stuffing his face and then deciding it was a mistake he had to fix. He sleeps too much and dodges every call, reads too many books, watches too many movies he knows already every line to, and lets his headphones keep him far away from himself.

He does think about Harry.

But when he does, he’s reminded that he wet his shirt with tears and was left with a simple note, so maybe he shouldn’t think about it too much. His body is just not strong enough for this kind of embarrassment.

That’s why, when the classes start again, he’s just a walking mind. He’s dragging his body to uni like he’s being forced to work on a ground full of landmines, waiting for one bad thing to happen before bursting.

“Tommo !” Liam hugs his friend as soon as he enters their usual row. Niall’s not here so Louis assumes the ski trip wasn’t the greatest idea for his knee, which turns out to be the evident truth. “How was the break ?”

“It was okay.” Louis shrugs. “Nothing special.”

Just dying and all, nothing much.

“We thought about you so much, I really wish you were with us…” Liam pouts, making Louis feel like the worst friend to have.

“Me too.” He mutters under his breath, getting his laptop as the professor enters the room to start the lecture.

After about thirty minutes, Liam is done. He has the attention spam of a fish and needs to chat, otherwise he’d pass out on the table.

“What are we doing on Friday ?” He whispers, resting his head on his crossed arms as Louis tries to type what the old man on the stage is saying.

“Hm ?”

“Friday. Weekend. Being young. Ring a bell ?”

“Can’t we just relax somewhere ?” Louis whines, not stopping the typing process while Liam’s probably already making plans to ask for his friend’s notes later.

“But that’s what we always do. I wanna go out this time. I saw The Pricks were having a gig at The Louisiana. Let’s go see them !” Liam is trying so hard to contain himself he’s squeaking.

“They are ?! Siiick !” Louis did love laid back concerts of bands only a handful of people knew. It always meant cheap prices, small venues, and best time.

“Yes !” Liam exclaims and coughs when everyone turns to look at him. “Bloody cough !”

Louis giggles and goes back to his notes. He can’t miss out on a gig. He can miss a trip to the Alps, can miss a party, can miss a movie, but there’s no way he can miss out on a gig.

They walk out of the class already exhausted and done even though it was the only lecture of the day, and part ways as they reach the road.

Louis checks for cars before crossing the road – for once – and notices Nathalie walking towards the parking lot.

He hadn’t seen her since the shoes disaster. He hadn’t been partying and they weren’t together for most classes, so he hadn’t had a chance to properly confront her about what had happened.

He hates having tension with people though. He hates conflict and he needs everyone to be okay with him. So he walks back and jogs to catch her.

“Hey, Nat’ !” He calls for her as she walks.

“Louis ? Hi !” She’s smiling and not running away so that’s a good sign so far.

“How are you ?”

“I’m good, I’m good…You ?” She bites her bottom lip, as if she’s expecting something, probably an apology for puking on her Jimmy Choo’s…just a thought.

“Awful. I’m so sorry about the night at the club. I’m such a jerk for not calling or texting after I-“

“It’s okay.” She’s clearly forcing a smile and Louis has no clue why she’s being so nice to him. “I’m not angry. It happens. I just wished you had come back with us, we didn’t even see you leave…”

“Yeah…I wasn’t too comfortable going back after that if I’m honest.” Louis chuckles. He’s less tensed when she starts laughing, and he’s just glad he doesn’t have an enemy.

“Natty !” A deep voice shouts from behind her.

Louis would have been fine with an unknown boyfriend or whatever guy wanted to speak to her. But it had to be her uncle. Her uncle who happened to be the flirty new client.

“Louis ?” He looked just as surprised as him.

“Oh hello Jes- Mr Pavelka.” Louis clears his throat.

“You two know each other ?” Nathalie frowns, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Um…yes. I work for the lawyer he’s hired.” Louis explains. Nathalie nods, but the man he’s being more quiet than usual.

“Yes.” He says, weirdly timid even with his perfect smile.

“Is the car open ?” Nathalie asks her uncle. He nods so she flees to open the door and drops her back on the passenger seat.

“It’s nice to see you…” Jessie smirks.

Louis purses his lips and nods, trying hard to stay still and not remind him he has a family he needs to stick to. He should probably do so though, because when Mr Pavelka checks on his niece who’s looking for something in the backseat, and leans closer to whisper something, Louis has himself forgotten that slight issue.

“I want to take you out again.” His growing beard is brushing against Louis’ cheek and this is just a hundred shades of stressful.

“Can we go ? I’ll see you around Louis !” Nathalie says from the car and closes the door, thankfully clueless.

Louis is stuck on the ground and his lips are slightly parted because that beard wasn’t supposed to feel this nice, and his hot breath wasn’t supposed to hit him this hard. His thick accent that doesn’t make anything easier, and the way he walks to the car has Louis weak and muddled to the point of no return.

He watches as the car drives away, intending to wave at Nathalie, but keeping his eyes on her uncle.

“So is that the bad date or another prey ?”

Louis has his regular mini heart attack and curses before turning to see Harry leaning against a car.

“What the hell ?!”

“I didn’t see you as the rich self centred man in suit type of guy.” Harry remarks as if he hadn’t nearly killed Louis appearing out of nowhere like this.

“I’m not with him.”

“Uh huh. Are you going on another date ?” Harry completely ignores Louis’ denial.

“No.” Louis frowns and starts walking away.

“Why not ?” Harry asks, joining Louis.

“Oh my god, can you be more nosy ? I don’t feel interrogated enough.” Louis says sarcastically and rolls his eyes.

“I could. But I’m trying to stay politically correct.”

Politically correct ? Who even says that ? What is he ? Has he been thinking about Louis ?

“What are you even doing here ?”

“Stuff.” Harry shrugs.

“Oh wow please stop giving so many details !”

“I am a private man.” Harry says sternly but then bursts out laughing, and Louis has no idea what’s going on in this boy’s head.

“You’re so weird. You need to get checked, mate.” Louis shakes his head.

“Am I too weird to hang out with you ?” Harry is pouting and sounds like a man child, making Louis nearly miss a sign in front of him to look at his face.

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen you in a while, so you might be weirder.”

“You’d have to leave your flat for it to happen…” Harry mumbles.

“How do you know I was home ?” Louis tries not to be too suspicious because Harry’s less scary than he looks, but still.

“Just a guess. I haven’t seen you around the bridge or walking into buses, so I figured you were locked inside.” Louis gives him an exasperated look.

Harry chuckles and playfully nudges his arm as they keep walking down the street. They stop before crossing the road and Harry takes the opportunity to pull Louis aside by his shoulder.

“Do you have any plans right now ?” He asks, head tilted on one side with pleading eyes.

“Um…no.” Louis almost stutters.

“Perfect ! You like tea, right ? I saw your ridiculous collection in the kitchen. I know a place you’ll love. C’mon.”

Before Louis can say anything, his pulled by the arm along the pavement, Harry only letting go when he’s sure Louis won’t escape.

“I know this place.”

“You do ?” Harry frowns, _as if_ Louis wouldn’t know the best tearoom in the university’s surroundings. He used to spend hours there reading, enjoying the smell of fresh herbs whilst sipping at the best tea he’s ever had.

“Please.” Louis gives his best sassy look with furrowed brows and walks ahead to choose a table.

“You haven’t told me why you don’t wanna go on a date with the suit guy.” Harry insists when they’ve ordered their tea. Harry also asked for the dessert of the day, and Louis had to bite his lip not to do the same.

“I don’t-“

“Don’t tell me you’re not into guys, Lou. You’re only lying to yourself. I saw the way you looked at him, so there’s no need to try.”

“I was gonna say I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Louis gives up trying to keep his secrets. It’s not like this boy knows anyone in his circle of friends or would have any interest telling someone. “He’s a client at the firm I work at, and I hooked up with his niece. Oh yeah, and he has a family.”

Harry whistles and widens his eyes, leaning back on his chair to take everything in. He props an arm on the edge of his seat and smiles as if he’s chewing gum, exposing deep dimples and a jawline sculpted by Satan to make sure Louis goes to Hell obsessing over it.

“That’s exciting though, innit ?”

“Sure, sure, risking the internship of a lifetime, a friendship, and a family ? What more to ask ?!” Harry giggles and licks his bottom lip, looking back at Louis as if to read his thoughts on his face.

“His man at home isn’t satisfying enough then…”

“It’s a woman at home actually. I don’t know why I didn’t notice his wedding ring before. I feel so stupid.” Louis grunts.

“You didn’t notice because you didn’t want to.” Harry chuckles. “Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about that man everyday.”

“I haven’t.” Louis huffs.

The tea lady called Victoria brings their tea and Harry’s miniature chocolate fudge cake, and Louis slides the teapot right in front of the dessert after pouring some herbal tea in each of their cup.

“I’m not closed-minded, I don’t judge, and I love talking about men. So don’t hold yourself back for me.” Harry informs, smug look on his face.

Louis is starting to blush and he reconsiders drinking hot tea when he’s already burning. He’s never been one to openly talk about what he really thought about men, and he wasn’t sure how to start. Harry did make it easy though. He looked like someone who listened without criticizing every opinion, and also sounded delighted by the topic.

“He’s just nice and smart…and attractive.”

“He looks like he could end your like in a finger snap. Even though I’m half sure you wouldn’t mind this kind of power over you…” Harry stares at Louis from the rim of his cup, sharp eyes making Louis confused as to what he’s implying.

“What do you mean ?”

“You nearly melted when he whispered in your ear, Lou. Don’t tell me you don’t like to be…you know…” Harry shrugs, as if Louis is actually supposed to understand what he means. He frowns in confusion and waits for Harry to add something.

The latter just grins though. He looks like he knows more than he should and Louis is just lost. He doesn’t know men, not that well. He knows what it means to be with a girl. Talk to him about men and he’ll turn into a clueless and innocent flushed question mark.

“Do you have a boyfriend ?” Louis changes the subject, seeing how Harry is not willing to elaborate.

“No.”

“Are you seeing anyone ?” Louis asks, keeping his head down as he pours himself another small cup of tea.

“No. Why ?”

“Just making conversation.” Louis shrugs and looks up to see Harry sucking on his spoon in a way he really shouldn’t in a family friendly area.

His rosy plump lips are sliding against the silver as he moans into the remaining chocolate with his eyes closed, not leaving a single stain. It’s hard not to stare and Louis is left a bit speechless.

“Want some ?” Harry points at the cake.

“No, no thanks.” Louis returns to earth painfully and wonders when licking a spoon became this mesmerizing.

“You’re missing out. It’s very light. Here, taste it…” Harry takes a small scoop and leans his elbow on the table, guiding his hand towards Louis’ mouth.

“You already know I’m not a fan of chocolate.”

“If you don’t try it I’ll scream and ban the both of us from this place.” Harry threatens, raspy voice making Louis feel like he’ll be murdered if he doesn’t open his mouth.

When he does, Harry gently brings the spoon on his tongue and lets him wrap his lips around the spoon to take the bite. Louis curses and his lashes can’t help fluttering.

He hadn’t had a chocolate taste this good in so long he had forgotten how real chocolate tasted like. It’s not too sweet or too strong, it’s just the right amount of pleasure and finesse.

Louis opens his eyes and sees Harry move his own lips whilst staring at Louis’, as if he’s tasting the pudding at the same time. He looks almost breathless and if they weren’t just sharing a chocolaty spoon, Louis would think he’s having an orgasm.

He focuses back on Louis’ eyes and brings the empty spoon back into his own mouth, sucking on it whilst fixing him in silence, eyes shooting a piercing gaze that has Louis’ heart racing.

They keep looking at each other, until a high pitched cry breaks the bubble.

A child in a stroller is squirming next to them, looking at Harry as he screams, deafening the entire salon.

“Calm down Leo.” The mother takes him in her arms to make him stop, but the toddler keeps crying, pointing at Harry as if he’s the one making him whine like this. The woman looks at Louis’ friend and frowns, trying to understand if he did something to her kid.

“Your baby’s not a fan of the Stones, hm ?” Harry jokes, making the woman look at his shirt and giggle, still trying to make her son stop crying.

Louis smiles as well, but the kid keeps screaming hysterically and crying, eyes red, fighting to hide in his mother’s arms as Harry’s smile fade. He looks anxious and keeps fidgeting with his napkin, not looking at the little boy as if it’ll make him cry even more.

The woman ends up leaving with a tea to go, and Harry instantly relaxes, unclenching his jaw.

“What was that about ?” Louis chuckles.

“He was clearly jealous I had more hair than him.” Harry pouts, making Louis laugh, louder than expected.

They keep chatting about children and share stories of annoying kids and adorable babies. Louis talks about his younger sisters and how his mom works in a day nursery, and how often he likes to visit and play with the kids.

“Do you have any siblings ?” Louis asks, pouring the second teapot they got.

“A big sister.” Harry answers but the smile he had when Louis was talking about his family has been replaced by a frown.

“Do you see each other often ?”

When there’s no response after a few seconds, Louis looks up, noticing Harry’s demeanour has changed from his endearing happiness to some sort of darkness in his eyes, as if talking about it triggered an instant sickness.

“Not close, huh ?” Louis pinches his lips, not wanting to touch a sensitive subject. Harry keeps brushing his index around the rim of his cup, and stays silent.

As Louis waits for Harry to talk to him again, his phone buzzes, for the fourth time since they’ve been sitting here. He’s ignored it every time, but this time is a series of beeps and if he keeps pretending he doesn’t feel anything in his pocket he’ll have a redness on his thigh.

He checks to see Liam asking him if he wants to come hang out with him, Niall and Zayn at the pub before the result of the exams they’ve all probably failed. He can’t really refuse one last free night to swallow the upcoming news, so he quickly texts him that he’ll be there, and slides his phone back in his pocket.

“Sorry.” He apologizes, noticing that they’ve been there for at least three hours and Harry didn’t get his phone out once. “You’re lucky you’re able to not check your phone all the time like everyone else…”

“I don’t have one.” Harry shrugs and Louis almost chokes on his tea.

“What ?”

“I don’t have a phone.” He says naturally, as if it was completely mainstream to not have a phone nowadays.

“How do you keep in touch with people ? Or find your way when you’re lost ? Or get busy when you want to avoid someone ?” Louis asks as if this was the most concerning news he’d learn in a while.

“I reach people I need to see by walking to where they are. I don’t get lost. And I don’t have to pretend to be busy to make sure someone knows I’m not interested in talking to them.”

Louis stays agape, mouth half open in confusion. Harry reaches across the table and gently closes his mouth with his fingertips under his chin.

Soft. His fingertips are soft. Too soft for a normal skin. It’s like Louis’ just been touched by silk and it left a sensation not yet classified in his mind. It feels like the wind just closed his mouth and he has no idea how to not close his eyes for half a second before coming back.

“Did you want my number ?” Harry smirks, looking at his empty cup.

“I mean…I guess…I do usually text my friends, it’s easier than sending a bird with a letter wrapped around them, you know ?”

Harry lets out a sudden loud cackle, making Louis jump and wonder when he’ll be able to not injure himself every time this boy laughs.

“Are we friends then ?” Harry has stopped laughing, biting his bottom lip with a serious look as if his life depended on Louis’ answer.

“I hope so…” Louis says, and the smile on Harry’s face is so precious and so strikingly beautiful, he can’t help admiring him. He keeps going from an obscure mysterious shadow to a radiant sun, and it should be confusing, but it’s nothing but enjoyable.

“Boys, I’m sorry, but we’re closing…” The woman that served their second teapot announces, and it’s only then that they realize they’ve been chatting in the tearoom for over four hours.

“Oh.” Louis winced before grabbing the money he had in his pocket.

“It’s on me.” Harry stops him and gives the lady thirty pounds and lets her keep the change.

“Oh no. Now I owe you.” Louis tilts his head back. Having debts was one of Louis’ pet peeve, no matter how small.

“Yes, you do.” Harry smiles. He looks like he’s joking, but at the same time it sounds like he’s going to expect Louis to cover for him if he finds a corpse in his closet.

They get up and walk outside, stopping in front of the place with their hands in their pockets, both a bit uncertain of what to do.

“So I guess I’ll see you again sometime…or not ?” Louis tries to hide his disappointment. Who doesn’t have a phone seriously ?

“You will.” Harry takes a few steps forward and brings Louis’ chin between his thumb and index before kissing his cheek slowly, making it last as Louis tries to remember if it’s supposed to feel like this.

His lips are as gentle as his fingers and as full as they look. It feels like Heaven had just touched Louis, and he tries hard but fails at not closing his eyes to enjoy it.

By the time he reopens them, Harry’s not here anymore. It’s like he just vanished in the air, leaving with a bewitching smell Louis couldn’t describe even if he tried.

He brushes his own fingers on the spot Harry kissed, touching the trace his lips left, as if Louis had been marked by a feather.

It might have lasted no more than two seconds, it felt like time had stopped, and Louis was left speechless in front of the tearoom, hand on his cheek, stomach fluttering, and mind blank and quiet for the very first time.

He really hopes their paths cross again. It’s weird to wish for him to appear out of nowhere again, but the way he makes him feel is worth walking to that bridge every single night until he appears and makes him jump.

He even enjoyed a bite of a chocolate cake. He didn’t think once about his appearance, didn’t think once about being annoying, seeing how much Harry was smiling and laughing, and didn’t have to pretend to be having a good time. And that’s something he didn’t think he’d ever experience again.

He walks with a grin he can’t hold back, heading to the pub to meet with his friends as he replays the time he’s just spent with Harry, feeling him kiss peace into him. It may have been just a friendly peck on his cheek, it felt like a wave, washing away his fear of proximity.

 

“Louis !” Zayn yells from a booth when Louis steps into the pub.

“Wow, you look…different…” Niall frowns. “You look like you’ve slept mate ! I’m happy for you !”

Louis is taken aback by the comment, given that he hasn’t slept more than four hours in a row for weeks, but he’ll take the compliment anytime over being called tired when it’s his actual face.

They order their usual beers and mainly update Louis and Zayn on everything they’ve missed while everyone was on the ski trip. Louis doesn’t necessarily need to know Acacia was caught with two guys in a cabin, doesn’t really care about Dan getting everyone drinks after winning a snowman contest, but it’s all laughter and good mood, so he enjoys the gossips nonetheless.

“Oh and the biggest news: Aiden made out with Sam ! Niall walked in on them and-“ Liam starts, quickly cut by Niall.

“Christ ! I still can’t get the images out of my head ! Too much tongue and guys...Disgusting !” Niall looks completely grossed out, and Louis pretends it doesn’t hurt to see his reaction to two guys kissing.

“Fuck !” Zayn widens his eyes in shock. “Didn’t know Aiden was gay…”

“Everyone’s traumatized bro ! Too weird. We were gonna invite him in our cabin with the girls and then it happened so…well…not part of the party anymore !” Liam jokes, and everyone but Louis joins him.

“You say that like he’s not allowed to like guys…” Louis frowns, but makes sure to sound indifferent, not at all invested in the matter.

“I’m not saying he can’t, I’m just saying it changes everything.” Liam corrects himself. “I can’t see him as I used to now.”

“Yeah, it’s like we don’t even know him. He’s normally partying with us and the girls, and then this happen and it’s like this big lie, like he’s been hiding too much from us. Does he even like burgers ?!” Niall dramatizes, talking like someone betrayed him.

_Ouch._

“Maybe he wasn’t comfortable talking about it…” Louis mutters.

“That’s weak. Own who you are, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s like we’ve been friends with a complete liar. Not worth it.” Liam huffs.

_Ouch again._

“Fuck, I can’t believe I walked around naked around him.” Niall holds his head in one hand, as if it’s too much to handle.

“Relax mate. S’not like he’d jump on every guy !” Zayn chuckles, but Niall doesn’t look reassured for a second.

“Better look out Ni, you could find yourself in a cabin alone with him in no time !” Liam jokes but Louis is just not laughing.

“You’re okay bro ?” Zayn nudges his side, noticing how distant he’s been throughout the conversation. Louis nods and smiles to hide how bad he’s hurting inside.

They keep talking about Aiden and Sam, keep discussing how disappointed it is to learn he’s been a completely different person all this time, and wondering how they’d behave around him from now on, not wanting him to hit on them.

In the meantime, Louis is biting his lips to keep tears in, witnessing the exact reaction of his closest friends if he ever told them that he might have something in common with Aiden.

He keeps drinking his beer reluctantly, throat tight and burning. He stays silent for the rest of the night, only faking smiles when his participation is required. He just waits. He waits for it to end, waits for someone to say they’re tired and wants to go home, waits for the pub to kick them out, just waits for something to save him and bring him far far away.

They hug each other a few moments later, knowing they have a morning class and will have to face the results of the semester, finding out if they’ll have to worry about studying all over again for make up exams.

Louis walks home with a few tears escaping and pouring on his cheeks, already measuring in his head how much food he’s got available, how much strength he’s got to ruin himself, and how many clean sharp ends he’s got to be angry at himself for being who he is.

That night is less of a routine.

It doesn’t just eat everything in sight and fixes his mistake to clean after himself afterwards. He doesn’t just go to bed with a red arm. He doesn’t just cry.

Tonight, he throws himself against the walls, slaps his face, doesn’t spare an untouched spot on his skin, and doesn’t bother taking time to breathe as he empties the kitchen and repeats everything until he’s emotionally drained on the floor of his bedroom, barely able to crawl to his bed.

And it’s just all a little too much.

When the sun rises, he still hasn’t slept. He hasn’t left the floor, hasn’t stopped staring at the ceiling with no actual thoughts. He’s numb and no emotion is pinching his chest anymore. He’s just a body shattered against the wall, wishing he could stop all of this and erase himself, not facing the drawbacks of showing who he is.

He has a class in two hours.

He could stay in all day again. He could ignore every call and pretend life isn’t going on around him while he’s dying. He could stick to his habits and hide from the world while his own keeps crashing down.

But today he has to get the results of his academic future, and there’s no real choice but to get up, wipe his cheeks, and hop in the shower before practising being fine in the mirror and heading out, not showing any sign of a self destruction night that had him crumbling on the carpet.

“Fast ! She’ll close the door in five !” Liam is running from the opposite side of the pavement, and both him and Louis are running to make it until Mrs Simmons enforces her strict no latecomer rule.

They make it just in time, having the door closed right behind them. They celebrate with a high five and join Niall already sitting in their usual row.

It had almost slipped Louis’ mind that they were getting their grades today. Everyone’s whispering and making up predictions, some students already turning red and shaking in their seat.

As soon as the first lecture is over, everyone runs to the hall, knowing the results are now posted on the main wall.

_Sullivan_

_Symes_

_Taylor_

_Thurling_

_Tomlinson_

Louis stops when he sees his name and reads the entire line, not really caring about the details of his grades, until he sees the word ‘ADMITTED’. He curses, getting out of the crowd to find his friends.

He fights his way out of the sea of students and finally jumps out to get to the front doors. He finds Niall cackling and Liam pats his shoulder as he gets out after him, and they all nod to each other before hugging in victory, happily passing the first semester despite being convinced of imminent failure.

They barely have time to recover before their next lecture, but they’re still in the race so they don’t even care.

When the three and a half hour of agony ends, they walk to their next class, and then the next, enjoying the few breaks to compare their grades and complain about the weather, rain and grey sky that’s been staying for days now.

“Your friend’s here…” Liam whispers to Louis as they come out of their last lecture.

Louis follows his eyes to see Harry lying down on a bench, legs stretched and almost going over the edge, hands folded on his chest as he stares at the cloudy sky.

“I’ll go say hi.” Louis announces, already walking towards him when Niall pulls him backwards by tugging at his hoodie. “What ?”

“Look…We didn’t know how to tell you but…” Niall sighs.

“He’s weird.” Liam says frankly.

“I know. And ?” Louis shrugs.

Niall and Liam look at each other knowingly, as if they’ve been discussing him without Louis.

“We don’t think it’s safe to hang out with him bro…Zayn said he saw him involved in some dodgy stuff last week.” Liam says nervously.

“What kind of dodgy stuff ?”

“He saw him walking around campus alone, just wandering in the middle of the night…”

“Yeah, sometimes we see him on campus from our window mate, walking with his hands behind his back like he’s planning his next kill…he’s a such freak.” Niall adds.

“That’s bollocks. You don’t know him. He’s just…different.” Louis defends his friend, looking over his shoulder to see him shielding his face from the sun finally coming out of the clouds.

“How long have you been getting to know him though ?” Liam asks.

“Just be careful bro. I don’t think he’s good news.” Niall agrees.

“I think I can still choose who I hang out with, thanks.” Louis says, harsher than he intended. But he couldn’t be himself, couldn’t share his true opinions…The only thing left was being criticized for people he liked to be around. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

Louis’ friends watch him walk towards Harry, and Louis takes a deep breath to ignore the feeling of being observed, and the feeling of not being able to do what he enjoys without everyone commenting on it.

“Hi Lou !” Harry greets him with a deep voice, contrasting with the soft smile on his face, dimples out, hair swaying in the wind to brush against his face as delicately as anything getting in contact with this boy should.

“Hey.” Louis smiles. He hesitates for a bit, not knowing if they’re supposed to bump their fists together or half hug, but Harry leans in and kisses his cheek, so that settles it.

“Your friends don’t really like me, huh ?” He murmurs as he straightens up, eyeing Niall and Liam staring at them. Louis is already done with the ‘why did that guy kiss your cheek’ conversation that hasn’t even happened yet.

“They just think you’re weird.”

“Oh. If that’s all, I don’t have to worry about anything then. You find me weird if I recall…” Harry giggles, making Louis grin and forget about his friends’ scepticism.

“Were you waiting for me ?” Louis doesn’t dare looking at him as he asks that. And he makes it sound like teasing, but he’s actually very curious to know the answer.

“Yes.” Harry says easily. “Does it bother you ?”

“Not really no.” Louis shakes his head, looking up to see Harry smile.

“Shall we go ?”

“Where ?” Louis frowns. In all honesty, he’d follow this guy in a dark tunnel, but he probably shouldn’t know that.

“Anywhere you want.” Harry shrugs. “Where do you want to go ?”

“Hmm…I don’t know.” Louis pouts.

“Do you like flowers ?”

“No ?” Louis winces. He knows he may sound like a heartless indifferent human being when answering that.

“You don’t ?!” Harry gasps.

“I just don’t care about them…”

“You’re something else Lou.” Harry mutters and starts walking, not making sure Louis’ following him as he brings his hands behind his back and walks like a funeral parlor owner.

They end up in the small garden halfway between Foxton and the university. Louis had never been there before. He always favoured the park or other places where he could actually lay down and not just sit on a rock hard bench, attacked by bees and hanging plants.

“You don’t like daffodils ?” Harry asks, caressing the petals as he walks.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, I just don’t care about it.” Louis shrugs.

They keep walking around the gardens and Louis listens to Harry describing each flower, knowing their name and their origin and season, turning into a flower connoisseur for a while.

“Smell these.” He picks up a few tiny white flowers and brings them to Louis’ nose.

Louis inhales the scent and closes his eyes to moan, letting the sweet smell fill his nostrils, surprisingly appeasing.

“Sweet Alyssum.” Harry informs him. “They’re one of the best smelling flowers. They’re quite small and don’t look particularly impressive, but they’re a favourite, and their scent put the other flowers to shame.”

Louis nods and watches as Harry smells them one last time before taking Louis’ hand and placing the little flowers in his palm, closing his fist with care. It’s not very clear whether he’s more scared to damage the petals or Louis’ fingers, but his hands are as soft and tender as they were in the tearoom, so Louis doesn’t really mind not finding out.

“They do smell good, I’ll admit that.” Louis surrenders. “How do you know so much about flowers ?”

“I’ve been offered enough to know them all. My mom likes to give a complete description every time she drops them at-“ Harry suddenly pauses and frowns before continuing. “She likes  to tell which flowers she puts everywhere.”

“You live with her ?”

“No. I’m on my own. But she says a place without flowers is a place without life.” Harry mumbles, thoughtful as he tilts his head to admire a falling leave.

They keep exploring the gardens and stop when they find a bench, staying there until the sun is not in sight anymore. They chat about every little thing related to flowers, filling the air with laughter as Louis explains his aversion for most plants.

He tells Harry how is sisters and mom are all obsessed with them, and how he never understood because he can’t tell if a flower is that beautiful anyway. Harry looks shocked and personally hurt every time, as if flowers are his friends, and it makes the whole thing funnier than it should be.

“That’s only because you don’t like happiness.” Harry snorts, crossing his arms and turning his head in protest.

“Since when are flowers happiness ?” Louis giggles, amused by Harry’s dramatic reaction.

“Since always. They bring colours to a dull room, are offered to loved ones to show one’s affection, are the stars of weddings…It symbolizes joy. It’s a fact. But you refuse to let joy into your life. So you can’t like them.”

There’s a brief pause as Louis lets the words sink in.

Harry’s not completely wrong. Louis does have a tendency to push away everything that makes other people happy. He does tend to reject everything that brings joy and positivity.

“I do accept it…sometimes.” Louis mutters, looking down at his lap.

Harry scoots closer to him on the bench and rests an arm on the edge behind his back. He crosses his legs and turns to face Louis as if he’s about to say the most important thing in his life.

“Why not all the time ?” He says with a quiet voice, careful not to be too brusque.

Louis lifts his head and turns to answer and is met with glossy stones staring at him. Harry’s face is so close his hair brushes against Louis’ cheek, and he can make out any detail of this boy’s face.

He can see its perfection, how there is not a single flaw, skin pure and bright under the lights. His hair look darker than in daytime, and his black attire blends into the darkness, making his cross necklace stand out. His lips are somehow red and glistening, and it really shouldn’t look this way.

“Wish I knew.” Louis shrugs, keeping his eyes on the boy’s lips as he speaks, fascinated by the way it curls in a corner when he smirks.

“Me too.”

Louis keeps staring, unable to look away from Harry’s angelic face. He can feel his thumb stroke his back and wonders if that’s on purpose or if it’s just an accident, until he feels it again, right before Harry’s other fingers join in and make their way to the back of Louis’ neck.

He can see his face get closer, but doesn’t move. He can see Harry focus on his lips as he keeps admiring his, but he can’t move.

His insides are twisting and it’s like his heart stopped. He’s absentmindedly leaning closer as a magnet, unable to think and convince his mind to disagree with this.

He keeps getting closer, until their faces are barely apart, and closes his eyes, body almost trembling as he waits to feel the boy’s lips.

He doesn’t though.

Harry waits for the very last second to drag his mouth along Louis’ cheek, dodging his lips with as much gentleness as someone can.

“It’s easier than you think.” He whispers, and pulls away, standing up as if they weren’t just seconds away from kissing. “It’s getting late. Do you want me to walk you home ?”

Louis is still a bit confused and doesn’t answer right away.

“Um…no. It’s okay. You must be going the other way, I’ll be alright.” Louis gets up in turn and they start heading to the fence, climbing the small closed gate they had decided to ignore for the sake of bench chatter.

“Do you have classes tomorrow ?” Harry asks as he tucks his hair behind one ear.

“Yeah. Until four.”

“I’ll see you at four then. Have a good night, Lou.” Harry says solemnly and gets closer to kiss Louis’ cheek, and the latter might get used to this.

He smiles and waits for Harry to walk away, but he kisses his cheek one more time. And another. And another time before finally stepping back and waving goodbye as Louis tries his best to not feel at one with the pavement.

He turns away to walk home and immediately looks over his shoulder to say something, but Harry’s already out of sight, no sound of footsteps and no shadow of this boy who just got Louis paralyzed.

When he gets home, he can’t stop smiling to himself.

He still can’t believe he didn’t think once about something going wrong or stress about the way his jeans looked when they sat down. Harry had his eyes glued to his eyes, and it’s like he didn’t care about anything but what Louis was going to say, or whether he’ll smile or laugh.

He makes himself some tea and doesn’t even glance at the cupboards or the fridge, stomach still upside down after being so close to a magnetic skin.

He wishes he could talk to someone about it, share how tingly he feels and talk about something good for once. But he remembers it’s not something he’s allowed to discuss, and his smile fades for a second before going to his room.

He can’t stay upset for long though, because all he can think about is going to classes, just to look forward to the end when he’ll see him again.

 

 

*****

 

 

“Are you replacing us ?” Niall asks when he walks into the living room.

Liam had invited everyone – everyone being Niall, Louis and Zayn – at his place to hang out and watch scary movies, not interested in a proper night out with the thunder outside. It was the perfect setting to watch horror films, and Louis had gathered enough well handled surprises for the past month to relax.

Harry had been waiting for him after classes since the day they went to the gardens. Louis would find him leaning against a wall or a car, and appear right by his side a second after if he dared looking away for half a second.

They’d walk to the park and spend too much time in the wooden castle boat, enjoy tea until the place closed, wander in the local bookstore that looked more like a cave, selling ancient books about black magic Harry seemed a bit too interested in, reciting obscure tales of lost souls and omnipresent spirits.

Of course, they’d eventually laugh at the amount of crap that boy could talk about, and kept exploring shops and tearooms and even find a movie to go see at the old theatre.

Louis knew he had been spending way more time with Harry than his friends, but it felt so different, so much comfortable and pleasant. He didn’t have to pretend to be someone else, didn’t have to think about what he’d say as much because Harry didn’t have a filter and didn’t mind when Louis forgot to use one.

He never even checked his body or commented on him not eating anything even though they were out for hours, and enjoyed his loud laugh for anything even remotely amusing coming out of Louis’ mouth, making him feel like the funniest human being to have ever existed.

“What ?” Louis raises a brow, denying the obvious anyway.

“We’ve barely seen you outside uni.  Except for the night at the gig you’ve been spending all your time with your creepy friend.” Liam frowns.

They were all ready to watch the movie and Louis had already mentally prepared himself for a Final destination marathon, thankful this was a not that much of a scary movie since he could watch it himself alone without panicking.

However, none of them seemed motivated to press play, discussing Louis’ friend as if they were about to declare an intervention any minute.

“I don’t see how that’s a problem…”

They all look at each other, still leaving Louis out of the loop, and sigh in defeat.

“Will you bring him on Saturday ?” Niall asks.

“What’s on Saturday ?”

“Louis ! Our belated Halloween !” Liam whimpers, close to tears.

They had this tradition – among many others – where they’d celebrate Halloween in March. They were never together in late October since it was in the middle of the university’s holiday, often scattered in the country to visit their family. None of them were from Bristol, so none of them stayed whenever they had over a week free.

They all loved Halloween though. So when they randomly found the movie ‘Halloween’ in the library one day, they came up with the idea of an annual celebration together where they’d watch hours and hours of scary films and have a laugh.

“It’s this Saturday ?!” Louis had completely forgotten. He drops his head back on the couch and hides his face in his hands. “Can’t we move it to Sunday ? I made plans…”

“Zayn has his mom’s birthday on Sunday and the next few weeks we need to work on the Business Law paper. We can’t do it another time.” Liam is almost begging.

Louis would have gladly said yes, but he had already agreed to go out with Harry. The latter had asked him if he’d be down to see his favourite place in town, and the look on his face had Louis agreeing without thinking twice about it.

“C’mon bro !” Zayn insists, looking at his friend as if he’s stabbing everyone in the room.

“I can’t, I’ve already said yes to something else. I can’t ditch him now.”

“Him ? You’ve made plans with Harry ?” Zayn asks, as if Louis was a traitor or something.

“Well, yeah…” Louis says, not really understanding why his friends dislike him so much.

“You can’t be serious.You’re leaving us for this weirdo ?” Niall looks bewildered, and there’s definitely something Louis doesn’t know.

“Why do you guys hate on him so much ?!” Louis snaps, feeling attacked and blamed for some reason.

"Because he’s lying to you !” Niall gives up trying to hide what they know.

“Niall !” Zayn scolds.

“What ?! He should know or he’ll keep hanging out with this freak !”

Zayn sighs and there’s an awkward silence while everyone’s trying to find the wise words to explain everything.

“Liam talked to his friend in the history department and when he mentioned Harry, the guy said there was no one going there that matched the description.” Niall starts. “No one’s ever seen him, his name wasn’t on the list for the exam results, and he’s always wearing the same clothes. That can’t be a good sign.”

“Oh my god. He’s not on the list because he doesn’t go there anymore. He was kicked out.” Louis didn’t want to expose his friend, but they were being ridiculous.

“It still doesn’t add up though. Surely someone would know him, or at least remember seeing him. They’re only seventy in the year, everybody knows everybody.” Liam adds.

“Yeah, because he didn’t attend most classes. Stop trying to find reasons to hate him. Just because he’s always dressed in all black, and different clothes, just same colour…” Louis looks at Niall. “…it doesn’t mean he’s a criminal or whatever you think he is. He’s actually really nice and harmless.”

“Doesn’t seem that nice when he looks us up and down and frowns every time he comes to see you…” Zayn mumbles.

“Because he knows you don’t like him !” Louis insists. “I’m not doing this, you’re acting childish like I can’t have friends other than you.”

“Of course you can mate, that’s not the problem.” Liam sighs.

“Then what the hell ?! I like spending time with him so get off my back !” Everyone’s getting on Louis’ nerves and he’s trying to stay calm as usual, but they keep pushing and he doesn’t know if he can hold it anymore.

“But you sound like you’re obsessed with him…That guy’s got you in some weird place, mate.” Liam widens his eyes and the look of fear in his eyes implies something Louis can’t deal with right now.

“Piss off.” Louis spits and gets off the couch to get his shoes. He storms out of the room and doesn’t even put his sneakers on until he’s in the hall.

If Louis wanted to mention how he’s really been feeling around Harry, that possibility had just turned to ashes. He can’t stop frowning, almost runs to his flat, and wonders why he can’t have everything going his way.

He loves his friends to bits, but he also likes Harry, and not being able to see them at the same time, or having to deal with their disapproval, is making his head spin.

Whenever he’s had a bit of banter with them, they usually forgot about it and acted like nothing ever happened, getting at each other’s throat for a minute and then hugging the day after. It was never serious and they didn’t take anything at heart enough to stay mad.

But when Louis walks into the classroom the day after, he’s faced with scowls and whispers, and he’s not sure they’re planning on getting over it.

“Hi bro…” Niall greets with less excitement than usual. And yes, it does feel phenomenal to be unwanted.

They don’t talk to him the whole time, only whispering to each other, and Louis feels like a teenage girl kept out of a gossip which, he soon finds out, is not the greatest feeling.

He almost jumps from his seat when it’s over, and doesn’t say a word when he joins Harry at the front doors.

“Hey beautiful.” Harry smiles, and Louis already feels ten times better. Why was he mad again ? No clue.

He rolls his eyes to pretend he doesn’t like Harry calling him that, and enjoys his light giggle as they start walking down the alley.

"Your friends didn’t come to class today ?” He asks when he notices Louis is not being followed or watched for once.

“They did.”

“Oh, okay. Is everything alright ?” Harry slides two fingers around Louis’ hand, trying to get his attention as he looks down.

“Yeah.” Louis subtly jerks away and checks if anyone noticed the barely noticeable touch.

Harry goes quiet and keeps his head down as well, surely aware of Louis not wanting people to talk.

“Where are we going today ?” He asks, weak voice as if he’s blaming himself for Louis’ bad mood.

“Can we just go to my place ? I don’t feel like being…outside.” Harry nods and they keep walking to Louis’ flat in silence, bumping into each other from time to time because the five-people-could-walk-aligned pavement is apparently not large enough.

Harry takes his boots off and hangs his black coat in the entrance, making himself comfortable as he walks to the kitchen like he’s been coming over more than just once.

Louis follows and sits on the counter as his friend opens the cupboards and grabs a bowl and the grapes in the fridge, placing it between them as he sits next to Louis. He has to slouch a bit because of his height, but he looks at ease so Louis doesn’t ask.

“Not a lot of people like me.” Harry says out of the blue as he munches on a grape. “I know I give a weird… _vibe_.” He pouts, clearly not used to say that word.

“That’s a shame.” Louis mutters, more to himself, and can see Harry’s wry smile in the corner of the eye.

“Where are we going tomorrow ?” Louis breaks the brief silence.

“It’s a surprise. I told you it’s my favourite place. That’s all you need to know.”

“Can I guess ?” Louis is the worst with wait. He’s always chosen his Christmas presents, wrapped them himself – did not do a great job at it, but someone had to do it – and unwrapped them right after, pretending he didn’t already know everything he’d get on the twenty fifth. He had enough surprises with his birthday gifts the day before, he couldn’t handle more stress.

“Go ahead.”

“Hmm…” Louis taps his chin with his index, looking up as he tries to find what Harry’s happy place could be. “Is it a zoo or aquarium ? I don’t see you as the type but I need to warn you I can’t go there.”

“I can’t go there either. I’m not about keeping wild animals trapped in cages and tanks.”

Louis must have played too much Sims in his teenage years, because he can literally see the green plus signs over their heads.

“Mmh…a botanic garden ?” Louis raises a brow.

“Nope.”

“A circus ?”

“Cheering for animal slavery ? Nope.” Harry shakes his head.

 _Green plus signs_.

“An isolated bookstore ? A theme park ? Your house ?” Louis says fast, watching Harry mouth no for every single proposition. “Fuck. I give up.”

Harry laughs and hops off the counter. He squeezes Louis’ thigh on his way to the living room, and Louis pretends his hand didn’t just wrap all around him that easily.

“You draw ?” Harry asks from Louis’ bedroom, and the latter curses before rushing to his closet. This boy had no sense of privacy whatsoever.

“Harry ! You can’t go through my drawers like that !” He frowns and gets his sketchbook from his hands.

“You’re good though.” Harry gets it back without a struggle and goes to sit on Louis’ bed. “These portraits are just…wow. Fuck. The white pencil drawings are even better.”

He flicks through the pages and analyses Louis’ work. He didn’t take classes or intend to do much with those doodles, but it calmed him down at the time and he’d spend hours trying to get it right, only thinking about a way to create a shadow and light, not a way to plug in his toaster before taking a bath.

“Would you draw me ?”

“I couldn’t. I’d mess it up.” Louis sits down next to him and watches his own sketches he hadn’t looked at in a while.

“Why do you say that ? I’m sure you’d do fine. Look at that…I want one.” Harry almost whines.

“You’re too-“ Louis almost embarrasses himself but stops in time. “I’d ruin your face.”

He says as a joke but he really does mean it.

He wouldn’t be able to bear messing up Harry’s perfect cheekbones with his clumsiness. It has nothing to do with the fact that he’d have to study him for a while and notice every detail to draw him accurately. He can’t even look as he speaks without repeating ‘don’t drool’ every second.

He reaches Harry’s side to close the sketchbook and stop giving him ideas. When he does, the sleeve of his jumper gets trapped in the book’s springs, exposing Louis’ forearm.

He quickly pulls away and just prays Harry hasn’t noticed anything. But there’s almost no plain white bit of skin and anyone could see it from another room.

Harry frowns and takes his arm to pull his sleeve back up, and the look on his face is not only shock and disappointment, but extreme fear as he brushes his fingertips on Louis’ red spots, as if he wished he could heal them.

“Lou…”

Louis gets up and pulls his sleeve down until even his hand is out of sight.

“Don’t say anything. Please.” His voice is weak and he’s panicking.

He doesn’t want Harry to run away, doesn’t want him to judge him for this. Everything was going so well for once, he didn’t have to see pity in his eyes and he really didn’t want that to change.

Harry joins him quietly and stands right in front of him, towering over him as he fidgets with the end of the sleeve, unwrapping Louis’ fingers to slide the sleeve back up. He rolls it to his elbow and Louis doesn’t know what to do, so he doesn’t do anything.

Harry starts stroking his forearm, rubbing his thumb on a random cut when he stops. Louis looks up, having no idea why Harry’s practically caressing his past physical anger, and tries to read the frown on his face.

“Who hurt you this bad you had to take it out on yourself ?” Harry whispers, calm yet visibly worried.

Louis just shrugs in silence, because where should he begin really ?

Harry doesn’t insist and just keeps walking his hand on Louis’ arm, until he gets to his wrist, and intertwines their fingers. It doesn’t feel awkward or tensed at all. Harry’s hand is warm and feels safe somehow, and Louis feels comfortable being this close to someone without panicking for the first time, like their hands just fit so he doesn’t have to think about it too much.

“When was the last time ?” Harry asks, circling his thumb on the back of Louis’ hand.

“A few nights ago.”

“Why ?”

Louis doesn’t answer that. There’s too much to say and yet nothing comes to mind., nothing that’d make sense anyway.

“It’s just too much sometimes.”

Harry nods and rolls the sleeve back down, stepping away to lay down on Louis’ bed.

“Are you afraid of me ?” Louis asks.

“Are you ?”

_Yes. Terrified._

“No. It’s not as bad as it looks like . I’m fine.”

“You’re lying.” Harry states. “You do that thing where you can’t look at me and speak with a neutral voice when you’re lying. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“How do you even know that ? I have a neutral voice all the time and never really look at anyone when I talk.”

“That’s what you may think. But you always look straight at my face when we talk and your voice gets high and soft when you’re speaking up.”

Louis hadn’t even noticed that. He knew he was comfortable around him, but he didn’t think it was this clear, to Harry anyway. He walks to the bed and waits for his friend to crawl on the side before lying down on his back next to him while the boy is leaning on his elbow to look down at him.

“I just get angry at myself.”

“For what ?”

“You don’t want to hear about it…I don’t wanna be annoying.” Louis chuckles.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.”

Louis looks at him and studies his face to find any reason to regret talking about this, but he finds none.

“I make mistakes on impulse and then regret it. It makes me angry to not have any control over that and instead of just crying, I hurt myself.”

“And then you get angry for hurting yourself so you hurt yourself even more.” Harry adds, and Louis nods.

“I can’t explain it. I just feel like it’s the right thing to do.” Louis shrugs.

There’s a few beats in silence before Harry suddenly climbs off the bed and walks out. Louis leans on his elbows, waiting for him to come back, and when he does, he’s about to pass out.

Harry is holding his sharpest knife and bringing it to his own arm.

“Harry ! What the fuck are you doing ! Put that down !” Louis gets off the bed but Harry takes a step back.

“Why ?”

“You can’t just cut your arm open because of me ! Don’t do this !” Louis is about to cry from panic. Knowing he’d be the reason for a scar on this perfect skin, hurting this boy in any way, he couldn’t handle it.

“So you can do it but I can’t ?” Harry asks, calmly, lowering the sharp end to his wrist.

“It’s not the same thing ! Please don’t hurt yourself !”

“Why ?”

“Because you just can’t ! You don’t just go around cutting yourself for people ! How is that gonna help ?! ” Louis is going insane praying for this boy to put that bloody knife down.

“There you go.” Harry smiles and puts the knife on the dresser.

“Wh-What ?” Louis is panting, heart still racing.

“You don’t go around cutting yourself because of people. You can’t just hurt yourself and expect to solve everything.”

Louis still has his mouth open and his body is shaking, and he really shouldn’t be dealing with these outbursts.

“I…”

“No. You listen. If you’re this scared for me slitting my arm open, then imagine how everyone who cares about you would feel. And since you’re aware that it doesn’t do any good and doesn’t help anyone, maybe you’ll think about it next time you bring rubbish to your skin.”

Harry takes the knife and walks out, placing it back in the kitchen drawer violently before dropping on the couch as Louis bites his nails and joins him. They sit on the couch in silence, and Louis relaxes when Harry squeezes his thigh again.

“Esther or Insidious ?” 

“Um…Esther.” Louis answers, letting Harry put the movie on and go back to him as if nothing had just happened. He rests his arm behind Louis back on the couch and picks at the thread coming out of his jumper on his shoulder, keeping Louis into his side casually as the film starts.

 

“It’s five in the morning, we probably shouldn’t watch another movie.” Louis giggles when Harry throws DVDs everywhere on the floor to find a good one. Again.

“But I need to see something positive after all of this. Don’t you have any happy movies ?” Harry asks with his head under the coffee table where some discs are neatly piled up.

“I think I have Edward Scissorhands somewhere.”

Harry bangs his head on the table, making Louis laugh in his fist, before looking at him with desperation.

“This is not a happy movie.”

“It’s not that sad…”

“No.” Harry says firmly and gets his head back into the table. “There is no hope, I can’t find a single one not involving a death or a reason to wish you were dead.”

Louis laughs again and gets off the couch to help. He kneels down next to Harry and gets his head between the planks as well, feeling like a miner.

“This is a lost cause. I’m gonna look for Hannah Montana on Youtube.” Harry grunts and Louis can just laugh some more.

“Come on, we can do better than that.” He keeps searching as Harry stands up. “I’m not giving up. I have happy movies, I promise.”

There’s no sound behind him for a few moments and he realizes he’s got his bum perched up in his tight black jeans.

“If you’re looking at my arse you better run.” He warns, but he doesn’t get up.

“It’s not my fault. My eyes are independent you know.”

“Haha ! Funny.” Louis says sarcastically and finally pulls out a DVD. “There.”

He hands Harry the movie and waits for a verdict.

“Louis.”

“What ?”

“Nightmare before Christmas ? I’m so done. We’re buying you new movies next time we’re out.”

They watch the movie anyway and Louis sighs at the end just like every time, having his heart melting and his childhood intact. When he turns to Harry to make a comment, the latter is sleeping, even breaths tickling Louis’ neck.

They had somehow moved to lay down on the chaise lounge part of the couch, sharing the spot that never failed to put people to sleep.

He looks so peaceful and deep into his dreams, Louis doesn’t dare moving and just rests his head on the pillow to doze off as well, enjoying Harry’s heat against his naturally cold body.

 

******

 

_Went home to take a shower._

_See you at 8 pm on 233 Covington Street._

_x_

_Harry_

 

Louis reads the note again to make sure he’s at the right address, because there’s just no way.

Walking down the street should’ve been the first clue. It’s like the world had ended and no form of human life was left. The trees kept swaying hard under the wind, creating the soundtrack of a Tim Burton masterpiece. At this point Louis was expecting Danny Elfman to play the piano behind him.

There’s absolutely nothing but a house. A mansion kind of house. An _abandoned_ mansion kind of house. He’s on the outskirts of town and had to take three buses to get there, and it really should’ve been enough warning.

He’s waiting for Harry like a messiah and tries to ignore the crow he’s just noticed on top of the gigantic crooked gate.

He closes his eyes to pray for a second, and screams when someone shakes his shoulders behind him, high pitched yell echoing in the whole neighbourhood.

“Fuck you !” Louis punches Harry’s arm when he turns around. “I could have died !”

Harry’s hysterically laughing, holding his stomach and scrunching his nose. Maybe Louis could forgive him then. He didn’t really die, so it’s whatever. It’s a really nice way to laugh, okay ?

“You can’t possibly tell me this is your favourite place to hang out.”

“It is though. It’s fun. There’s no one to bug me and I get to relax in a mansion without paying any taxes. What more do you need ?” Harry sticks his tongue out on the side and wiggles his brows, looking like the next wolf of Wall Street for breaking into everyone’s worst nightmare.

He drags the steel gate to get in and the creaking noise makes Louis squint and put his fingers on his ears.

“You comin’ ?” Harry already sounds too far and Louis can’t stay by himself, so he jogs to him and orders his heart to slow the fuck down as they get to the porch.

When Harry turns the doorknob, Louis immediately slides his hands into his. He can’t take the risk to lose him inside. It’s past eight at night and there’s definitely no electricity in this tomb. The last thing he wants is to find himself fighting ghosts.

Harry chuckles and squeezes his hand, letting Louis stick to his side as he opens the door.

“Trust me.” Harry whispers, and steps in.

It’s not as dark as Louis had thought. He has no idea where the few natural lights are coming from, and he’s not willing to find out to be honest. The hallway is empty, only a few sculptures right out of The Hunchback Of Notre Dame, and cobwebs sending goosebumps to Louis’ skin.

“If you let my hand go, I’ll kill you.” Louis murmurs.

“I’d like to see you try, but don’t worry. I won’t.” Harry promises and leads them upstairs. Louis takes the opportunity to rant about the non existence of waterproof jeans. He’s pretty sure if he hears any noises he’ll be wetting his pants and faint.

The stairs are cracking under their feet and the whole atmosphere is too gloomy, the gothic decorations not helping at all. They’re walking slowly as if to not wake up someone – or something, who knows – and Louis wonders why he’s currently in American Horror Story.

“Here.” Harry opens a door leading to an empty room.

“Oh yes, a dark room. How exciting !” Louis exclaims. Harry laughs but the house turns the sweet cackle into a deep evil laugh, and no. That’s just not right.

“Don’t be pessimistic. I can take you on a tour if you want ? You’ll love it.” Harry has the audacity to let Louis’ hand go to get something  behind the door.

He drags a mattress and grabs a flashlight behind a box, and falls onto the bed.

“A mattress ?” Louis crosses his arms. “I have that in my well lit, habited flat.”

“Yes, but it’s less adventurous. Come on, you can’t tell me this doesn’t make you feel excited.”

“For what ? Seeing Dracula invite us for a drink ?” Louis rolls his eyes but still walks to the mattress and sits down next to Harry.

“There’s no Dracula, Lou. And I don’t think the little girl haunting the place enjoys company.” Harry says it so seriously, so ‘by the way’ like, that Louis is about to run.

“Excuse me ?”

“The story is…” Harry lies down, resting his head on Louis’ lap as he speaks.

Louis tries hard. He tries to fight the urge. He shouts internally to not make his hand move, but it’s too tempting, so he strokes Harry’s hair, and plays with the few curls as he listens to the story, trying to ignore the little ‘ _ouh_ ’ that escapes Harry’s mouth when he feels Louis’ fingers.

“...once upon a time, a happy family lived here. The father, Oscar Randall , had taken his wife’s wish to have their own gigantic house, where she could invite the respectable part of her society club to become the head of the local royalty. They had a baby girl named Amelia who was just born, and moved in as soon as the house was ready.”

Harry closes his eyes as he continues, relaxing under Louis’ touch with his hands on his chest. The rain has started to pour outside, and the wind keeps getting stronger, violently pushing the trees against each other. So no, not a great time to be listening to this story.

“Ten years later, Oscar went home screaming. He was yelling at everyone for no reason and looked out of his mind. He kept throwing things everywhere, and only calmed down when he told Amelia to go to her room while he ‘talked to mommy’.” Harry quotes a little girl’s voice as if that Amelia had told him the story herself.

“She didn’t hear much, but when she knocked on their door to know when they’ll have dinner, she found her mother lying on the floor with her throat sliced, swimming in her blood, and her dad was hanging on this chandelier.” Harry points above their head.

Louis looks up to see the said lamp and gulps, seeing the cut rope still wrapped around the dirty crystals. He knows it’s just a story, knows Harry is just having a laugh, but why would a rope be attached to a chandelier ? Why is it raining outside as if everything wasn’t scary enough ? What kind of shampoo that boy uses to make his hair this soft ?

“Thing is, Amelia couldn’t handle the situation as someone would. Not only was she very young, she was autistic. She panicked and just ran to her room, and never got out.”

“That doesn’t make any sense though. If she’s still here it means she had to die. How could she die if her parents got killed before ?” Louis tries to debunk this story. He’s just not ready to spend a month awake.

“She panicked so much she had a cardiac arrest. She was so terrified to stay by herself, but also so terrified to talk to someone that wasn’t her parents, her heart didn’t take it.”

“And you know that because…” Louis’ just not buying it. There’s no real explanation for anything, and it’s too simple for this kind of tale.

“She told me.”

“Yeah right. Did you discuss it over tea with her porcelain dolls ?” Louis chuckles.

“Actually, yes.”

“You’re so full of shit right now. I’m not that gullible, you weirdo !” Louis laughs and he’s glad Harry giggles with him.

“Would you believe me if you met her ?”

“I thought she didn’t like talking to other people.”

“Only to adults that look intimidating. I convinced her to talk to me by playing with her. As long as you’re nice and careful with your words, she’ll stay with you.” Harry explains as if he’s completely serious, and Louis didn’t intend to take the joke this far.

“Okay liar. Can we not talk about your little stories to scare children ? It’s not even remotely believable.”

“You don’t believe me ?” Harry sits up, depriving Louis of his hair.

“No I do not. But keep trying !” Louis laughs.

“Would you be willing to see her ?”

“Harry. I don’t believe this shit story. I’m not playing ghosts with you.”

“If you don’t believe it, then there’s no harm trying to call her…Amelia !” Harry starts calling her name, echoing in the whole property.

“Shut up !” Louis whispers, slapping Harry’s bicep.

“Why ? If you think it’s not real you shouldn’t be scared.”

“I’m not scared, I’m just…I’m not scared.” Louis convinces himself. A little. Barely. Amelia is just starting to sound really creepy and he’s fed up hearing this name, that’s all.

“Ameeeelia ! Ameeeelia ! It’s Hazza ! I’ve got a friend to play with us !” Harry keeps calling his imaginary friend and Louis’ not scared, because it’s a lame prank, but he’s also scooting closer to Harry.

There’s a long silence and nothing happens. There’s no weird sound, no unknown voices, no response. It’s all fake and Louis can breathe normally again. It’s not that he believed Harry for a second, but this house looks too lugubrious and sinister, so who knows.

“Did you just bring me here to tell me stories like this ?” Louis asks, detaching himself from Harry when he’s certain nothing will jump out of nowhere.

“I brought you here because I know how much you love scary stories. And that house has featured in so many of your favourite shows, you can’t be against starring in your own horror film.” Harry smirks.

“I like watching fiction. I can’t even relax walking alone in a street. I’d be the first one to die out of fear if I was involved in anything like that.”

Harry looks disappointed. It’s like Louis had just crushed his dreams. He stands up and walks to the window, staring at the trees fighting to stay still.

“Do you still like me ?” Louis asks, keeping his eyes on his lap as he feels himself alone again, as if Harry had gone far away, not just four steps to his right.

Harry doesn’t answer and just comes back on the mattress. He sits down right behind him, and Louis doesn’t know what’s happening when he rests his head on the nape of his neck. He brushes his fingers on his lower back, and leaves a light kiss on the spot his forehead was previously. So maybe he does like him.

Louis doesn’t protest. He’s already lost feeling those lips touching him again, and the way Harry walks his hands along his back makes him shiver too much to move.

“I’ve never kissed a boy.” Louis suddenly confesses, making Harry stop. He turns around to face him, sitting in a lotus position, and wonders why he just said that. But he just had to let it out.

Harry looks down at Louis’ knees, and strokes them. He circles his hands for a bit before making his way up, sliding his large hands up Louis’ thighs until he gets to his waist to pull him closer.

Louis is losing his mind. He had never let someone touch this parts of him, and he somehow can’t slap his hands, can’t yell at him to stop, can’t convince himself that this shouldn’t happen. It’s like he’s been hypnotized and his usual self is nowhere to be seen.

Harry gently tucks Louis’ fringe on the side, and looks straight into his eyes, making Louis’ mouth drop as he focuses on the emeralds looking at his soul. He leans closer, but Louis doesn’t want to have false hope, given what happened the first time he had found himself this close.

“Can I be the first ?” Harry whispers, staring at Louis’ lips as he places his warm hand on his neck, thumb brushing his jawline.

Louis has stopped breathing. There’s no oxygen left in his body. His brain left him alone, his stomach is now home to a hundred moths, and he’s definitely ranking this in his top five near death experience.

He knows what cravings are. He’s been fighting every single one of them for years. They usually involve pain, fear, and enough strength to resist them knowing they’ll be followed by instant regret.

This is not that kind of craving.

He’s craving Harry’s lips and Harry’s tongue and his breath in his mouth, and it’s very new and overwhelming. He can’t pull away, keeps absentmindedly leaning in, and gives a weak nod, already moaning when Harry runs his hand in his hair before replacing it on his neck.

He waits for him to tilt his head slightly, and watches as his lips comes landing on his own, staying there long enough for Louis to forget everything and only feel silk on his mouth.

Harry pulls away, and Louis can’t help following him, rocking a bit as a magnet.

He already whines at the loss of contact, and prays for more. He’d beg on his knees for more. He'd let him talk for hours about Amelia for more.

Harry might here his thoughts, because he brings his other hand on the other side of Louis’ neck, keeping him secure as he kisses him again, properly this time. He parts his lips and intertwines them with Louis’, fitting him better than anyone before. Their mouths move in sync and resemble puzzle pieces coming together.

It might have stayed chaste for a first kiss, and Louis wouldn’t have been able to complain because it already was the best kiss of his life, but he felt the tip of Harry’s tongue on his lip, and he couldn’t just keep it to a simple peck anymore. He couldn't just not _know_.

His tongue is sliding with his seamlessly, tasting like mint and pleasure. He’s moving at a painfully slow pace, and Louis feels like he’s on cloud nine with just a kiss. It lasts so long he doesn’t know if it’ll ever stop, and begs the universe to get it together and make a second an hour.

He can almost hear a melody in his head as they tongue dance with each other, room spinning around them as they get lost into it, swaying back and forth as if to keep a slow dance to a silent song.

They try to stop, slow down, pull away, but they stare at each other, and just do it again…and again.

It feels like a spiral Louis can’t get himself out of. A repetition of twirling tongues and brushing lips and an insatiable will to keep going until there’s no air left.

The only reason they finally part is the sudden sound of glass hitting the floor.

Louis comes back down from his cloud and remembers where they are. He’s still disoriented and not sure of what just happened, not sure of how real it was. It didn’t feel real. It’s not even a way to describe how perfect it was, it literally didn’t feel real. He felt everything so much more intensely, that couldn't be normal.

“What was that ?” He asks, a bit out of breath.

Harry doesn’t speak. When Louis turns to see him, he looks distraught. It’s like he had just been blown away, unable to react to anything anymore. He’s staring at Louis in despair, as if something he didn’t understand just occurred, as if that kiss had triggered something he was afraid of. And that boy wasn't afraid of anything.

Louis means to ask if he’s okay, but there’s another noise of splattering stones, as if a chandelier had just crashed on the wooden floor.

“The fuck was that ?!” Louis is starting to panic a bit. When he turns again to face Harry, the latter is standing next to the painted portrait on the wall, leaning his forehead against it. “Harry ?”

The boy doesn’t say anything. He keeps shaking his head in silence. Louis stands up, and he’s glad for the lights outside so he can see him properly without blinding him with the flashlight. He looks at the portrait first and, apart from being creepy, it also really looks like Niall.

Harry is still giving his back to him with his eyes closed. Louis can’t just leave this Niall look alike for himself though. He takes his phone in his back pocket and angles it so the natural lights can avoid him squinting. He might accidentally get Harry in the shot. It happens. He looks majestic standing there and his shirt is see through enough to not ruin anything, but that’s just a random fact not related to Louis’ incentive to take a snap of Niall’s ancestor.

There’s another sound of silver bouncing on the wood, and Louis almost drops his phone as he takes the picture, but catches it in time to put it back in his pocket.

“I can see you’re upset, but this house is falling apart for no reason and I suffer from anxiety. So unless you want me to die in here and haunt the house with Amelia, please let’s go ?”

Harry turns to smile, relaxing Louis, and takes his hand to lead them out.

Louis pretends those sounds weren’t coming from inside the mansion, pretends he’s not freaked out, and pretends he’s not stressing over the way Harry acted right after they kissed.

They walk to the bus stop in silence, still holding hands even though they’re far from the house. Louis’ glad Harry hasn’t let go yet, and he figures he would have if something was truly bothering him.

They hop in the empty bus and go sit in the back, not untangling their hands for one second.

“What happened over there ? Are you okay ?” Louis finally asks.

Harry turns to him and kisses his cheek.

“I’m great.” He grins, and squeezes Louis’ hand to reassure him.

They spend a lifetime in front of Louis’ flat trying to let each other go, as if the fifty minute journey home wasn't enough. Harry keeps kissing Louis’ cheek, walking away, and then jogging back to kiss his cheek again, and then leaving, and then jogging back to kiss his lips, and then walking away again.

It’s extremely funny, but neither of them are laughing. They’re both unable to let go and keep reaching out until they lean against the wall, looking at each other as they intertwine both of their hands in the other’s, twirling them and pulling each other in when one of them takes a step back.

They kiss again and breathe each other in quietly, until Harry finally finds the courage to say goodbye, because Louis is apparently too weak and would’ve probably kept going for days.

He climbs the stairs touching his lips, still not over the way it felt.

He drops on his couch, face in his hands as he tries to recollect everything, almost writing it down somewhere to make sure to never forget how unreal this night was.

He takes his phone out of his pocket when he remembers he’s lying on it, and slides his thumb to unlock the screen, eager to stare at the picture he took to make it last.

He goes through the four pictures of the portrait – he had to make sure it wasn’t blurry – and goes back and forth looking for the one with Harry, in vain.

He’s sure he took it though. He’s a hundred per cent sure he took it because he aimed the canvas and then moved to take him in. There’s the part of the wall he was leaning against, but not him.

Louis couldn’t have been so overwhelmed that he imagined touching the screen. He knows he took him in the picture. He didn’t check if he did get it right because a noise interrupted the process, but he’s sure he got him in.

Or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he moved at the last minute and missed it.

He doesn’t overthink it. But he can’t say he’s too happy about not having a way to remember tonight.

He still can’t get over how absurd that kiss felt, how the entire room was shaking around them because of how loud his heart was beating, but he sure as hell isn’t complaining about it.

He just wishes he could spend everyday with this boy.

 

And oh. _That’s_ how it feels.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I scared myself I have to admit lmao
> 
> Hope you're as excited as I am to know more <3
> 
> x
> 
>  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there !
> 
> I am aware that I don't have a schedule and I post whenever I'm done with a chapter so sorry for the random early updates :)
> 
> Enjoy <3
> 
> x
> 
> Mel

“And then a D sharp.”

“Wait, which one is that again ?” Harry frowns.

“The black key, here.” Louis plays the note and checks if Harry got it. The latter nods, completely focused on his lesson.

“I can do it.”

“Alright, go for it.”

Harry had almost begged Louis to teach him how to play at least part of the solo he had loved so much. He had never played the piano, but Louis assured the song wasn’t as hard as it looked with practice and guidance.

He starts playing the first few notes hesitantly, brows coming together as one when he repeats the order of the chords in his head.

“That’s good, but watch your hands so you don’t get any cramps. Let them flow over the keyboard. You’ll still hear the note without banging on the poor key !” Louis chuckles.

“Like this ?” Harry asks and brushes a white key, touch too light to even create any sound. He laughs at Louis’ reaction, but clears his throat to focus again.

“You just have to trust your hands and enjoy the movements. It makes it easier to link the notes together, and it makes the sound more fluid.” Louis explains.

They’re sitting next to each other behind the piano in Louis’ room. They have their individual little stools, but it’s like they’re sitting on the same bench, unable to move without touching each other. Louis isn’t making any effort to not brush against Harry’s arm purposefully, even if he has enough room, but no one has to know that.

“Look at my hands.” Louis instructs and starts playing the song slowly to show what he means, trying hard not to stare at Harry's lips curling as he watches him.

“Okay.” Harry nods when Louis’ finished his demonstration.

They’re only working on the right hand for now, so he brings it to the keyboard and slowly plays as Louis advised, letting his fingers caress the instrument to create the soothing melody.

“Exactly.” Louis whispers, remarking it to himself, but can’t help guiding Harry’s hand anyway.

He doesn’t even realize he’s sticking the tip of his tongue out in concentration and gently lifts Harry’s hand before it hits the note too hard. Harry follows his lead and soon catches up, playing almost perfectly already.

“There. You got it.” Louis says with a soft voice.

The grin Harry gives him then is so beautiful it hurts. It’s a wry smile that slowly spreads across his face, lighting him up as if Louis had just told him he’d won an award or something. He pinches his bottom lip with his thumb and index, clearly trying to conceal how happy that makes him.

“Do you wanna play it altogether now ?” Louis asks, enjoying the way the boy takes a deep breath and nods before bringing his hand above the piano, shaking it to relax and not hit the keys too hard.

He goes slowly at first but then speeds up just a little bit when he gets more confident. He makes a few mistakes but corrects every single one of them before starting over until he gets it right.

“I did it !” Harry is beaming at Louis.

The latter claps his hands and smiles big, happily congratulating him. Harry leans down and cups Louis’ cheek to kiss him, a chaste peck on the lips that has Louis willing to teach him any songs he wants. Even the ones he doesn't know how to play. He can learn fast.

“Do you want me to play the left hand ?” Louis suggests, and doesn’t even have to finish before Harry’s nodding frantically and placing his right hand accordingly.

Harry starts and Louis joins him soon after, matching their moves gradually, hands almost knocking into each other with how close their respective keys are.

Louis hasn’t taught everything to Harry, so, as the melody dies down and their hands join on the keys right next to each other, Harry loops his thumb with Louis’ and pulls his hand under his own, stroking it before bringing Louis’ knuckles to his lips to kiss them with his eyes closed.

“I can’t believe you once called me dramatic.” Louis giggles.

“I never said I wasn’t as well…” Harry shrugs. He lets go of Louis’ hand only to drag the stool back a bit, and pats his lap.

“What ?” Louis raises a brow.

“I want to feel you play. C’mon, chop chop !” Harry hurries him, opening his arms as he waits for Louis to sit on him.

“I can’t play with my bum, love. I tried and all, but it gets a bit tricky after a while.”

Harry bursts out laughing, making Louis feel hilarious just like every time he says something even remotely amusing.

“I am aware and saddened by this reality. But I still want to see you play on me. It’ll help to move my hands better and study your back to keep mine straight. It’s purely for tutorial matters.” Harry sounds so serious and so persuasive that Louis thinks he might be right for a moment. But he remembers a detail he can’t cope with yet.

“I can’t.”

“Why not ?”

“I…” Louis sighs. “I’m too heavy for you. Your legs would go numb within seconds.”

Harry frowns and tilts his head on the side, looking at Louis as if to notice any signs of extra stones hanging from his pockets.

“Lou…you look like you weigh nothing. And if you’ve got strong bones or something, I do too. I can take it.” Harry kisses Louis’ cheek, but it’s just not enough to convince him.

“We’ve been sitting here for hours. Can we go outside ?” Louis pretends Harry isn’t insisting, and stands up, pulling his sweater down to not expose one inch of his skin right now, feeling a bit too self conscious.

He normally forgets about it whenever he’s with Harry, even when he playfully squeezes his thigh, but asking him to put all his weight on his lap got everything rushing back all at once.

“Um…okay.” Harry frowns but doesn’t push him further, and Louis’ glad.

They walk to the park, enjoying the sun that’s been showing itself only once a week at best lately even though spring is on its way.

They’d normally bump into each other because of how close they’re walking, but today Louis has put a safe distance between them, keeping his hands in his pockets instead of holding Harry like he’d been doing for the last two days they had spent glued to each other.

Louis hadn’t seen him right after the night at the haunted house, and almost worried about it, until he got out of his classes and bumped into him behind the front doors a few days after. He said he had some things to take care of, and Louis couldn’t exactly expect him to spend his entire day waiting for him, so they made up by isolating themselves in Louis’ flat, chatting and watching movies, and maybe making out a bit too much.

“Are you upset ?” Harry asks after a long silence, seeing Louis look down at his feet instead of around him to notice the lake and the children playing.

“No.” Louis mutters.

Harry squeezes Louis’ arm and the latter winces and jerks away as a reflex. He must seem mad though, because Harry keeps his hand in the air, taken aback by Louis’ sudden reluctance to his touch.

“Did I do something wrong ?” Harry frowns, sadness clearly audible, making Louis feel like a jerk.

“Of course not.”

“You’re a great person Lou, but you’re a real mystery to me…”

Louis keeps his head down and stays quiet. He’s not sure how to take this comment, so he takes it the worst way possible. The ‘but’ in this sentence didn’t feel too good, and he’s starting to regret even considering Harry accepting who he is.

They walk along the lake and Harry stops to watch a goose not too far from them. Louis stops to wait for him, and realizes how stressful this walk had become, all because of him.

He replays Harry’s comment in his head over and over again until he’s turned it into an insult, keeps checking how low his sweater can go because the days spent munching on random snacks with Harry left traces, and tries to tame the nest the wind has created on his head.

He’s sure he’s already in the worst case scenario, but then he sees a dog coming closer to them, and it’s officially a test to see how patient he can be.

“Hunter !” The man tugging at the leash of the brown boxer scolds as his dog, barking in Louis’ direction.

Of course, all he needed was to be barked at. He frowns, getting hurt far too much because of a dog not liking him. The owner keeps apologizing, but the boxer doesn’t stop and starts to grunt, making Louis wonder if he accidentally put a cat in his pocket or something.

“I’m so sorry, he’s usually so calm !”

“I must have the wrong cologne today !” Louis smiles, trying to dissimulate the uneasiness.

“Hunt, no!” The man shouts as he unwillingly lets go of the leash, making Louis close his eyes in fear, only to reopen them and see that the dog was actually attacking Harry. The latter turns to face the boxer as if it’s normal for him to be on the verge of being chewed up, and smiles politely at the owner.

He walks closer to the dog and squats down to eye level, and stares at him as he stops grunting immediately, going docile and sitting down to let Harry pet him. He then runs to his owner, squealing as he hides behind his legs.

And okay…what ?

“Shall we go ?” Harry asks Louis as if everything was normal, as if he hadn’t just hypnotized a dog ready to attack.

“How…Why did he…What was _that_ ?” Louis stutters.

“I have a complicated bond with animals…Anyway, I’m hungry. There’s a pizza place after the bridge. Let’s go !” Harry doesn’t ask Louis if he’s okay with the idea, and just leads the path, making Louis forget about this weird encounter.

He doesn’t know what to think, and just follows him, looking back at the dog who looks as traumatized as his owner.

They walk into the pizzeria and Louis sees no healthy option whatsoever. It’s a pizza only kind of place, and he didn’t know he could feel even worse than a few minutes ago. This day was just _not_ going his way.

“What are you getting ?” Harry asks, reading the menu on the wall.

“I’m not that hungry…I think I’ll just have water.”

“But we haven’t eaten today.” Harry looks suspicious, already thinking about ten other questions.

“Yeah, but I don’t know what’s wrong today, my stomach’s just not great.” Louis acts uncomfortable, rubbing his tummy as if to soothe his imaginary pain.

“Really ? I’ll take a pizza for two so we can share in case it gets better then.” Harry decides. “What toppings do you like ?”

Louis eyes the menu, even though he knows he won’t be touching that carb machine, and bites his lip trying to find something appealing.

“Four cheeses ?” Harry suggests, but Louis made a grimace at the thought of so much dairy. “So that’s a no…um…what about the pepperoni ?”

Louis almost vomits to the sound of that.

“I don’t feel like eating meat today.” Louis hates sounding picky, but that’s just not something he can bargain with. “I’m not a huge fan of cheese either if I’m honest. But go ahead and take whatever you want, I’ll adapt.”

Louis gives a fake smile, secretly wanting Harry to order the greasiest pizza so he can have an excuse not to touch it.

“I’ll get the vegetarian.” He tells the lady at the counter, and Louis can feel himself being annoying, since Harry obviously got it because of him.

They wait for it less than fifteen minutes and walk to find a table on the terrace, right above the lake.

Harry grabs a napkin and gives one to Louis, who takes it with a smile that’ll end up breaking his jaw at this rate.

“I know you don’t like food.” Harry says before biting into a slice of pizza.

“What ? I do. I just don’t feel too well today.”

“I think I’ve seen you eat like…twice…maybe three times tops. You can’t live off of grapes, Lou.” Louis sighs at Harry’s words. He knows that. He’s heard that a million times before and will hear it a million times again. It doesn’t change anything.

“I eat a lot. You just don’t see it.” Louis says with a firm tone, opening his bottle of water and chugging it down.

“You won’t eat if you drink this much water. But I suppose you know that…” Harry mumbles, getting to his second slice. God that boy eats fast.

“Can you just not mention my eating habits ? Everyone’s different and I happen to enjoy food less than some people.” Louis explains, sounding completely rational.

“What do you think will happen if you eat a slice of thin crust veggie pizza ?”

_Death._

“Nothing. I’m just not a hungry person.”

“A hungry person ?” Harry frowns. “Being hungry isn’t a trait of personality Lou, you eat to get the energy you need to function. I figured you liked risking your life, but I didn’t know it was in every way possible…”

“I just don’t enjoy it, Harry.” Louis confesses. “I know you’re trying to tell me the right thing to do, but it’s not for me. I know what I should do, I know how to ‘get energy’, I just choose another option because I hate when people watch me eat and I hate how it makes me feel.”

“But why ?” Harry insists, dropping his slice of pizza as if Louis’ twisted mindset had made him lose his appetite.

Louis takes a deep breath and starts picking at his napkin, ripping it with strong fingers trying to contain his angst.

How could he possibly tell Harry what goes through his mind when he chooses to starve over feeding himself or do everything possible to push his body to its limit until it breaks ?

“I can’t tell you.”

“Don’t you trust me ?” Harry is pleading for answers.

“It’s not about that. You’ll think I’m crazy and you’ll try to fix everything. And I don’t want you to.”

“I just want you to enjoy your life.” Harry whispers, as if Louis wasn’t supposed to hear that.

“I’m sorry for being like this. I can make efforts to talk more or be less distant, but I can’t eat everything to please you.”

“I don’t intend you to.” Harry shrugs. “I promise I won’t push you anymore.”

“Thank you.” Louis gives a weak smile.

Harry reaches across the table to take Louis’ hand and holds it as he resumes eating his meal…alone.

The tension gradually fades between them as Harry pulls funny faces when he eats, moaning into each bite as if to make Louis jealous and encourage him to eat. It’s getting embarrassing really. People near them are turning to watch him close his eyes and whimper, making Louis hide behind his hands and giggle.

“I’m so close to denying knowing you right now.” Louis snorts.

“ _Mmmh_ ! Sorry Lou, can’t hear you. This pizza is way too good. _Anw_ ! Wow ! So _good_ !” Harry is making a scene and Louis is turning red when people stop their lunch to stare. “Fuck ! _Yes_ !”

“Harry ! If you don’t stop that I’ll hit you with this bottle !” Louis tries whispering and scolding him at the same time, but Harry is in too deep and is starting to make noises Louis wasn’t ready for.

“ _Mmmh_ … _ah_ …so fucking _good_.” Harry concludes as if he’s just reached his climax, leaving Louis a bit tensed.

“I hate you right now.” He shakes his head, but he’s smiling. And no, that one he didn’t control. He also didn’t control his legs pressing against each other under the table after hearing the deep moans, but that’s not something to talk about.

“I have a symbiotic relationship with food.”

“Bollocks. I see you eat all the time and you never fucking moan like that.” Louis laughs.

Harry laughs louder and closes the pizza box, leaving it half eaten, not mentioning Louis not even touching it as he gives it to a homeless woman who’s been sitting in the sun the whole time.

Louis may or may not have smiled fondly at the gesture and taken Harry’s hand to hold it as they walked right after. He also may or may not have let him wrap his arm around his shoulders, and may or may not have wrapped his own around his waist, walking as matching puzzle pieces.

They’re chatting and laughing, far from how they had started the day, and Harry keeps whispering how beautiful Louis looks, earning a light punch in his stomach every single time. Louis tells himself it’s not just an excuse to touch his torso. He has been appreciating his beauty from afar and touching the art was sometimes mandatory, so he can’t be blamed.

They stop by a balcony overlooking the ducks, and Louis figures it’s the perfect opportunity for a picture. He didn’t have one of Harry yet - since his last attempted was a huge fail - and that was becoming a problem. He could only imagine his face so many times with total accuracy, you know ?

He grabs his phone and shifts to the front camera, fixing his messy fringe ruined by the wind before stroking Harry’s hand to make him turn around.

“Oh no. Please. I look horrible on pictures !” Harry whines.

Louis looks at the modern Adonis standing in front of him and wonders what the hell he’s talking about.

“I really can’t tell if you’re mocking me.” Louis asks, completely puzzled. “Just one. I look horrible so you’ll have no problem looking perfect.”

“Please, no. This is my pizza, Lou.”

“What ?”

“You don’t want me to force you to eat pizza, and I don’t want you to force me to take a picture. This is my pizza.” Harry explains.

Although Louis could respect that put in this way, not having a single picture of Harry was a bit of a let-down. He wasn’t planning on printing it to cover his walls or making it his lockscreen, but every time he looks at Harry it puts a smile on his face, and maybe he could use a smile when Harry wasn’t around.

“Fine.” Louis frowns and starts sulking, walking to lean on the bars of the balcony.

Harry chuckles and goes to stand right behind Louis, placing his hands on each side of his on the bars. He’s creating a human shell again and Louis can’t help walking back into it, letting Harry nuzzle into his neck to kiss him there.

His hair is tickling Louis’ face and he starts to giggle before tucking a lock behind Harry’s ear as he turns his head slightly. Harry grabs the hair tie on his wrist and ties his hair into a quick bun, and goes back to kissing Louis’ neck freely.

Louis does wonder why he’s starting to get attracted by a bun for a second, but soon spots the plump lips he’s even more obsessed with.

He bites a smile and tilts head to reach Harry’s lips, and brings them closer, making Harry lean in and kiss him slowly, taking Louis so far he wonders if he’s still standing on the ground.

Harry’s tongue is making him feel so much with each twirl and the hands holding onto his waist are not something the latter wants to get away from. He’s spread his fingers on his jeans, not trying to slide them under his shirt or squeezing his hips, or making Louis feel anxious. It’s like he’s getting to know what Louis can handle, and it makes it so much better Louis fully turns to nibble at Harry’s bottom lip, and brings his hands to the boy’s hips.

Harry shifts his hands to cup Louis’ cheeks, and keeps kissing him, swaying his waist closer to Louis’, sliding a leg between his as they step back against the edge of the little balcony, forgetting they’re surrounded by other people, forgetting they might be displaying a bit too much affection for the ducks who didn’t ask for this.

Louis starts tugging at Harry’s shirt, clenching his fists around the hem of it as he feels Harry’s leg move against him, firm hands holding on his neck as his thumbs caress his cheeks and his mouth brushes against his, hot breath making him dizzy. 

They hear someone cough and immediately pull away, wiping their lips left with a bit of saliva, hiding their smile behind their fist, and looking at each other as an old man walks next to them to feed the ducks with his crumbs of bread.

“There are children here.” The man frowns and turns to face the ducks before mumbling to himself. “ _Fags_.”

“What was that ?!” Harry raises his voice, already making his way to the man with a dark look, veins in his neck making a sudden appearance.

“What ?” The man acts innocent.

“Let’s just go Harry.” Louis pulls Harry by his arm, not ready to start a fight. He hates being called names, but he also hates hearing more when he can just walk away from it.

Harry kept staring at the man in the eyes with his jaw clenched for a few more seconds. He tilted his head on the side and didn’t break the gaze until the man looked perplexed. He then smirked before taking Louis’ hand to walk away, smile bright on his face.

“Why are you smiling ?” Louis asks.

“No reason.” Harry shrugs but he’s still grinning.

“You’re a great person Harry, but you’re a real mystery to me.” Louis mocks Harry’s words, and laughs loud when he looks offended.

They resume their walk, heading outside the park, and Louis breaks the silence to ask something he’s been meaning to find out for a while.

“What are you doing tomorrow ? Or like, everyday ? Since you don’t go to uni anymore and all…”

Harry doesn’t answer right away. He drops his head down and looks lost in his head for a bit.

“I get busy.” He simply says.

“Doing …?”

“Look who’s being nosy now.” Harry shakes his head, pulling Louis to his side to kiss him, but Louis’ not giving up this time.

“I’m not asking you something personal though. I just wonder what you get up to when you’re not hanging out with me.” Louis shrugs. “ Do you see your friends ? Or have a job ? Or do you just walk around trying to meet new people to charm ?”

Harry looks fed up with the interrogation and Louis even questions himself, suddenly uncertain if these are normal questions or not.

“I do have a job. But it’s flexible. I see my friends some days, but I guess most of the time I just stay home.” Harry is obviously trying to stay vague and brief.

Louis frowns, a bit hurt that he wouldn’t feel comfortable enough to talk about these things he himself would tell a complete stranger. He doesn’t see what the big deal is about that, but maybe there’s something he just doesn’t want to share.

“Wait.” Louis stops when they start to walk to his street. “Can we go to yours this time ?”

Harry looks surprised by the suggestion, as if it’d never even cross his mind.

“Um…it’s not tidy. I don’t want you to think I’m a hoarder or something.” Harry chuckles awkwardly.

“You’ve seen my flat. My living room may be spotless, my bedroom is a mess. I’d never judge you.”

“Yeah, but it’s so much smaller than yours. You’d feel uncomfortable.” Harry says with a weak voice.

“Do you really see me like this ? Love, you could live in a box and I’d still like it.”

“Yeah…um…you know what, I forgot I had something to do actually. I’ll call you, yeah ? I mean, I’ll come over, when I’m free.” Harry is stuttering, clearly not telling the truth.

He pecks Louis’ lips once, and flees in the distance, turning around to blow a kiss before disappearing in the corner down the street, leaving Louis not only confused, but extremely hurt.

He walks home with a heavy heart, convincing himself that maybe they don’t feel the same things for each other. Louis gets attached way too fast and thought Harry liked him just as much as he did him. But maybe he didn’t.

Maybe he’s just made up a reality in his head. Harry probably often talks to strangers and has fun with them. Maybe he doesn’t want them to be a thing. Louis’ not even sure he wants them to be a thing himself. He’s never properly dated anyone, let alone a man, so it’s new and he doesn’t know how to handle it, but what he was starting to feel he couldn’t explain another way.

He liked Harry’s company and craved for more, loved hearing his voice and his laugh and felt overexcited to be the one to make him smile. He liked his playful touches and the way he made him feel, always repeating how beautiful he is inside and out, making him feel like he doesn’t have a single flaw when he sees a thousand.

He’s been enjoying their time spent together, the conversations just as much as their kisses, still too unreal to be described as such but the word he’s looking for hasn’t been invented yet, so he has to settle for this.

He’s been feeling so safe in his arms and not at all reluctant to hold his hand or keep his body close, no matter how many thoughts sometimes make him distant.

And he just thought Harry felt the same way.

But maybe it’s all in his head. Harry doesn’t want him to know what he does during the day, clearly doesn’t want to even talk about his friends, doesn’t want to invite him over…

He’s probably seeing other people when he’s not with him, and, as much as it hurts, they didn’t talk about what they are, so he can’t even be mad, especially since they’ve only started getting closer not long ago. Maybe Louis was just a way to kill time for him.

He takes a long shower and doesn’t think about going to the kitchen before burying himself in his bed even though it’s still early. He can’t even relax with the sound of rain starting to fall outside, feeling Harry in his bed still.

He can’t help imagining his arms around him, and he wonders if they’ve been holding someone else as well.

When his phone rings on the nightstand, he checks who it is, hoping the unknown number is actually the person he’s thinking about, in the hope his ‘friends’ have phones.

“Hello ?” He answers with all the hope in the world.

“Louis ? How are you ? It’s Jessie Pavelka.”

_Not. The. Time._

“Oh, um…I’m doing good and you ? Do you need help with something ?” Louis wasn’t ready to think about work right now. Couldn’t he have just one chance to breathe ?

“I do. I met a nice lad a few weeks back and I never got to go out on another date with him. Do you think you can help me out ?” The man would sound charming and would lure Louis with his words, but he’s not Harry, and that’s bothering Louis a bit too much.

But maybe that’s a sign. Maybe it’s an opportunity thrown at him to not get too close to Harry, having his heart broken too hard when he’ll tell him he’s not interested in anything other than an ambiguous friendship.

“I could try.”

“Perfect. I was hoping to see him tomorrow night at _La Romanella_ ?”

Italian food. Great. Might as well rot in Hell.

“What time ?”

“Eight.”

“I think that could happen.” Louis tries his best to be flirtatious, but he must sound harsh and fed up with it.

“I’m glad. I’ll see you tomorrow then, Louis. Have a good evening.” Jessie’s smirk can be heard from miles away before he hangs up.

Louis lets his phone fall on the carpet and closes his eyes, wondering what the hell he just agreed to.

 

 

******

 

 

“Hey…”

“Hi…” Louis frowns a the sight of his friends sitting next to him. They look like they want to talk, but Louis has already a lot going on in his head and doesn’t fancy another fight.

“We just wanted to apologize.” Liam announces and Niall nods, leaning over Liam to hear everything. “We were twats. You can see whoever you want and we shouldn’t be this paranoid. To be fair, Harry seems to make you happy, so it’s your call, sorry.”

Louis smiles, surprised by his friends’ new point of view.

“Are we still bros ?” Niall pouts, resting his head on Liam’s shoulder as the latter pouts as well, looking like puppies begging for Louis’ cuddle.

“’Course we are.” Louis chuckles and does something he hasn’t done in a long while. “C’mon, bring it in !” He opens his arms and takes both Niall and Liam in his arms to hug them tight.

“Oh, Loueeehhh !” Niall coos and hugs him harder, nearly climbing on his chair and jumping on Liam to reach him.

The professor enters the room so they pull away, but even Louis can’t hide his joy to have his friends back. He loves them so much and being away from them, even for just a few days, felt utterly wrong.

They walk out of their last lecture laughing, catching up on everything they’ve wanted to tell each other while they weren’t talking. Liam tells Louis how they hadn’t organized the Halloween movie marathon, so they could still plan another night. They decided on the next Saturday, and Niall and Liam look at each other, sharing a secret conversation before turning back to Louis.

“You can invite Harry if you want…” Niall mumbles.

“What ?” Louis takes a step back, as if Niall was out of his mind.

“Yeah. We’ve decided to give him a chance. So you can come with him.” Liam smiles.

“Thanks, lads. I’ll ask him.” Louis agrees.

They part ways and Louis keeps his grin on his face as he gets to his bus stop, only to lose it the moment he remembers how secretive Harry has been, and how he’s going on a date with Nathalie’s uncle tonight.

He’s waiting for the bus when two hands cover his eyes from behind.

“Guess who !” Harry asks excitedly, but Louis isn’t as much. He grabs Harry’s hands and turns around to smile, pretending nothing’s changed in his head.

“Hi.”

“I’ve missed you.” Harry whispers and leans down to kiss Louis, but the latter coughs and tilts his head to the few students next to them. “Oh, right. Sorry, I forgot.”

“S’okay.” Louis purses his lips.

“Where are we going today ?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going on a date.” Louis says casually, looking down the street to spot the bus. He can’t see Harry but he can picture his frown very well when he stays quiet.

“A date ?”

“Yeah. Jessie called me yesterday, and I thought I’d listen to you and have fun.” Louis shrugs and turns to see a red face.

“Where ?”

“The Italian restaurant on St Andrews Road…There’s my bus ! I’ll see you around.” Louis smiles at Harry and climbs in the bus, not waiting for him to react.

He sits next to the window and watches Harry look down at his feet, absolutely crushed. Louis tries not to let it get to him, but the expression on his face is closer to sadness than anger or confusion, and he wonders if it was worth it.

He thinks about him going home, thinks about him getting ready, thinks about him walking to the restaurant, and thinks about him as Jessie talks about his company as usual. He can’t get the look he had on his face out of his head, and can’t help thinking he might have been wrong.

If Harry was seeing someone else, surely he wouldn’t have been that bothered if Louis was too, a little angry maybe, but not this miserable, almost forcing Louis to jump off the bus to kiss the happiness back into him.

“And you know what that arsehole said ? He told me I was the one not taking enough risks ! Can you imagine ?!” Jessie looks baffled and if Louis hears one more story about investments and Jessie’s bank account, he’ll drown in his soup.

He can’t do it anymore. It doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s not even enjoyable. He was right to imagine him as a narcissistic snob, obsessed with his success. He regrets saying yes to this torture, especially when he could’ve spent the evening with Harry who probably hated him now.

He needs to get out of this. He can’t escape like the first time, can’t tell him he’s boring and a self obsessed wanker, and can’t just leave when they’ve just started the main course. He’s trapped and he’s eyeing that spoon too much, wondering how long it'd take to turn it into a knife.

“Lou !” A voice calls from behind.

Louis turns to see Harry all dressed up in a fancy black suit, tight dress pants with a half buttoned sheer black shirt tucked into them and a black blazer, chest tattoos clearly visible, giving an edge to his classic outfit, hair gloriously curling on his shoulders.

“Harry ?” Louis frowns, trying his best not to jump in his arms.

“Hello. Harry Styles.” Harry stretches his arm to shake Jessie’s hand who stands up politely to do so.

“Jessie Pavelka.”

“You told me you had a meeting but I didn’t know it was with Nathalie’s uncle !” Harry lies and calls out the first waiter he sees. “Excuse me Sir, could you bring an extra chair for us, please ?”

Jessie sits back down and seems helpless, not knowing how to react, surely not willing to tell Harry, who seems to know his niece, that this is more than a professional meeting.

The waiter comes back with Harry’s chair and the latter scoots right next to Louis, wrapping an arm on his chair back to bring him against his side.

“I’m sorry, who are you ?” Jessie asks.

“I’m Louis’ boyfriend. I’m also a friend of Nathalie’s.” Harry smiles.

“Oh. I didn’t know you had a boyfriend...” Jessie speaks to Louis, embarrassed.

“It’d be a bit personal to know for a client, wouldn't it ?” Harry remarks, sipping at Louis’ red wine. “Do you have a partner ? Or a family maybe ?”

“Um…” Jessie is shaking while Louis doesn’t dare interrupting the show he has in front of him, just glad Harry came to his rescue.

“Oh wait, Nat' told me you had a little girl and a wife. I forgot.” Harry chuckles. “She says you’re a great father and a respectful husband.”

Louis chokes on air and Harry immediately brings his free hand on his thigh.

“You’re alright, baby ?” He overdoes it and Louis really wants to laugh but also really wants him to keep going. He just nods with a bright smile, and looks at Jessie who seems terrified, as if he was about to have his life jeopardized by twenty year olds.

“How old is your daughter again ?” Harry asks.

“Six.”

“Oh wow, that’s cute. You only have one kid ?”

“Um, I have a ten year old son too.” Louis widens his eyes and lets Harry continue, because he’s actually interested as well to find more.

“Nice, nice. I love children. And you’re with your wife and all, that’s wonderful. I grew up with one parent so I admire parents who manage to be there for their kids…together.” Harry states.

“Um, yes.” Jessie looks like he’s about to pass out. “You know what, I should go. I promised my wife I’d be there early. I’ll let you two finish.”

Mr Pavelka stands up and doesn’t even shake their hands before rushing to the exit, almost bumping into a waiter who had to stumble not to drop his tray.

Both Louis and Harry giggle, and laugh even louder when the receptionist shouts ‘your coat, Sir !’ when he runs outside.

“You’re such an idiot !” Louis punches Harry’s side. “But thank you.”

“Anything for you, babe.” Harry wiggles his brows, making Louis roll his eyes.

“How did you know I needed help ?”

“I didn’t. I just didn’t want you to be with that prick because of me being stupid.” Harry kisses Louis’ cheek and grabs his spoon to taste his soup. “I’m sorry I sort of pushed you away, not answering your questions at the park…Do you think you can forgive me ?”

Harry pouts and tilts his head on the side, getting closer to Louis’ neck to whisper a few ‘please’, making Louis giggle.

“Only if you tell me the truth.”

Harry sighs and crosses his legs as he grabs Jessie’s breadstick.

“I didn’t want you to know I have no friends to hang out with, the worst job someone can have, and no home. I didn’t have money to pay my rent so I had to leave a few months ago, but didn’t find an affordable place. Then I walked past the mansion and saw no one lived in it, so I sort of moved in there. It’s not something you want to tell. I spend my days doing shitty stuff to get money, but it doesn’t help much.”

“You should’ve said so.” Louis says with a soft voice, stroking Harry’s thigh. “Wait, you live in that haunted house ?!”

“Hey, no judging !”

“I’m not judging, I’m panicking. How do you manage to close one eye at night ?”

“I don’t get easily scared. And once you’ve spent a few nights in the streets, a haunted house is a freaking palace.” Harry picks at both Louis and Jessie’s meals, or what’s left of it, and Louis shouldn’t find his endless hunger this endearing.

“You can stay at mine if you want. I have an extra room so you can put your stuff there. It’s not a problem for me.”

“I don’t want to bother you. I’m fine at the Randalls'. You should come over again tonight and see what I mean.”

Louis bursts out laughing, and slowly goes quiet when Harry looks at him with a serious frown.

“Wait, you’re not joking ?”

“It’s not that scary. I promise. I want you to come.” Harry strokes Louis’ shoulder and looks deep into his eyes, so he obviously can’t say no.

He pays for the dinner when Harry tells him he doesn’t have his credit card, even though Louis would’ve paid anyway, knowing his financial situation.

They walk to the creepy house and he’s almost becoming a part of Harry’s body by how much he’s clinging onto him as a shield.

They enter the mansion and walk upstairs, but Harry doesn’t lead him to the same room as before. They walk further down the hallway, passing by portraits Louis hadn’t seen before, probably of the Randalls, and stop in front of a closed door.

“This is your room ?” Louis asks, and Harry nods, letting Louis open the door and carefully step inside.

It’s bigger than the room they had been in before. Four large windows are allowing the streetlights to ignite the room, exposing several boxes filled with clothes and other random things, an actual king size bed that makes Louis wonder what kind of flat he used to live in, and a vase with fresh flowers on a pile of books.

Louis takes his shoes off and drops on the bed, exhausted and less freaked out. The room does look warm and normal, making him forget it’s part of a horror movie.

“You like it ?” Harry joins him, leaning on his side to watch Louis as usual.

“It does look nice.”

“It’s the flowers.” Harry says proudly, making Louis chuckle before closing his eyes with his arms crossed under his head.

He sits up seconds after to get rid of his sweater, realizing Harry has already seen his scars, so there’s no reason to keep burning in that heat. He leaves his short sleeved white tee on, and flops back down.

“I didn’t know you had tattoos there...” Harry says when he eyes Louis’ right arm.

“I also have one here.” Louis drags his fingers along his collarbones. “And few in other places.”

Harry gets up to undress from his uncomfortable fancy clothes, and only stays in his boxers, making Louis gulp and focus not to keep his mouth open.

He has an enormous tattoo on his left thigh Louis hadn’t seen before, and he can finally see that butterfly inked on his torso a bit more. And it's even more painful.

Harry gathers his hair in a messy bun and climbs back on the bed, close enough that Louis can feel his hot skin against his arm, making him fight his hands not to get them all over him.

“You can make yourself comfortable too you know…” Harry giggles, seeing how Louis keeps adjusting his jeans.

“I’d look like a huge disappointment next to you, but thanks.”

Harry is all of a sudden straddling Louis’ lap, and the latter doesn’t know how to cope with this view. Harry undoes his jeans and he tries to fight him, but giggles instead, until he’s left in his tee and black boxers, wondering how the hell Harry manages to do whatever he wants with him.

“There. You look great, and comfortable.” Harry nods to himself and lies back down on the bed.

He looks proud and not at all repulsed by Louis' exposed legs. His chest is raising and falling gently, and Louis admires the way his torso looks, lean yet toned, laurel leaves on his soft hips making him look like a cherub at rest. His curls coming out of his bun behind his ear only emphasize the Adonis theory, and Louis spends too much time looking at the rosy lips he suspects have been touched by lipsticks. No lips are this red and glossy. None.

“Kiss me.” Louis smiles, brushing his hand along Harry’s torso as if this boy needs to be softened to be willing to kiss him.

Harry fixes Louis’ fringe, admires his lips, and leans down slowly to oblige, pressing their lips together as if to not break him. He walks his tongue on Louis’ lips until the latter opens his mouth a bit to deepen the kiss, finding himself lost again in the unknown space every kiss brings him to.

They're tongues are exploring each other's mouth and their lips keep colliding eagerly, and it's easy and natural, and just so _so_ good.

He can feel Harry’s hand on his chest and enjoys the tender touch instead of running away from it.

“Can I ?” Harry asks, lifting the hem of Louis’ shirt with his thumb.

Can he ? Can Harry touch Louis’ body more than he already has ? Can he find out that he doesn’t have a six pack or a perfect skin like he does ? Can he trust that he won’t be repelled by it ? Can he let him get where no one’s ever been allowed, not in that way ?

No.

“Yeah...” Louis nods, and lets Harry go back to their kiss.

His hand slowly crawls under Louis’ shirt, starting at his pelvis to make sure he shivers, before going up, caressing every part of his torso on his way to Louis’ ribs. He can feel Harry’s fingers trying to get higher, thumb stroking his nipple, and he sits up.

“Sorry. Did I go too far ?” Harry asks with an agitated voice.

Louis sighs and doesn’t look back. He shakes his head and thinks for a brief moment before sliding his shirt up, letting it fall on the floor.

Harry doesn’t say anything and just joins him, sitting next to him to kiss his shoulder as Louis closes his eyes trying to focus not to freak out. He lets him run his hand along his back, until he applies a slight pressure on the wrong spot.

“ _Ouch_ !” Louis winces.

“What ?!” Harry immediately lifts his hand and stares at Louis’ face.

“Nothing, just a bruise.”

He opens his eyes to see Harry checking his back to find where he hurt him.

“Fuck…” Harry mutters. “Lou…How did that happen ? You have a few purple marks there.”

Louis doesn’t answer. He bites his bottom lip instead and waits for Harry to get it.

“How can someone so beautiful do such terrible things ?” Harry whispers, brushing the bruises on Louis’ back.

Louis shrugs and buries his face in his hands, but he’s pulled backwards to lay down against Harry’s chest, secured in one arm. Harry kisses his head and then kisses his hands, leaving his lips on the back of it for a while before letting go.

“What makes you do it ?” Harry asks, _as if_   Louis could explain.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you hear voices ?”

“Kind of…Not really…I mean, guess I do, but they’re mine. It’s like I’m convincing myself that I should do it, like something’s controlling my thoughts.”

“Like a demon ?”

“Yeah.” Louis mumbles.

“Do you want it gone ?”

“I do enjoy trying to kill myself for no reason.” Louis jokes.

“I’m serious.” Harry frowns.

“Of course. I’d do anything to have it out of me.”

Harry simply nods and kisses Louis’ cheek before closing his eyes, pulling him closer to his side as they both fall asleep, making Louis drift off to the thought of Harry still liking him after everything he’s seen.

 And he's definitely the greatest mystery ever.

 

*****

 

 

“I’m sure they’ll be nice, as long as you’re not cold.” Louis whispers to Harry as they wait for Niall to open the door.

“But I don’t know how to behave with this many people who judge me.”

“I judged you at the beginning…”

“No you didn’t. You just didn’t know why I wanted to talk to you. That’s judging yourself, not me.”

The door opens right after and Liam is sporting a bright smile with a beer in his hand.

“There you are !” He exclaims and gestures for them to come in Niall and Zayn’s room. “Nice to see you Harry…”

Harry nods with a forced smile and waves hello, already being awkward, but trying to be social.

Niall and Zayn greet them the same and they all settle on the large couch to start their Halloween night, a marathon of Hannibal Lecter as requested by Niall. There’s pop corn and crisps and candies, and Liam had made sure to get fresh beers out.

Louis doesn’t really know why, but he lets himself have a small bag of crisps to share with Harry. He’s weirdly not feeling guilty and weirdly munching on it comfortably as he snuggles up against Harry’s side in the dark, letting him easily dip his hand in the pack.

When the first movie ends, they turn on the light, and Louis quickly detaches himself from Harry’s arm, leaning on the armrest instead.

“Anyone wants an ice cream ?” Niall asks from the kitchen, and Louis can’t explain what his brain is playing at, but he’s raising his hand unexpectedly. “I’ve got lemon, vanilla, chocolate or strawberry ?”

“Chocolate.” Louis says, and okay…what ?

Niall comes back to give Louis his ice cream and walks to the other side of the couch with his strawberry popsicle and Liam’s vanilla cone.

Harry watches as Louis unwraps the dessert and starts licking it, a barely noticeable smirk appearing across his face. Louis figures he just wants some, so he brings the cone to his mouth, watching as he sucks on it without his hands, letting Louis guide it in. And yes, those lips wrap around that thing the way Louis thought, the only difference being that seeing it this close makes it ten times better.

“That’s disgusting.” Niall snorts with his mouth full. “Harry, you should’ve told me you wanted one. You’re sharing saliva here…”

Harry licks his lips, making Louis giggle discretely seeing the chocolate on his chin.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” Harry chuckles, bringing his tongue down his chin to lick the chocolate, looking like a five year old. A very adorable and clumsy five year old. “Do I still have some ?” He asks Louis.

“No, you’re good.” Louis smiles fondly, getting a bit lost admiring him.

“The Baked Bean !” Zayn suddenly shouts, breaking Harry and Louis’ gaze.

“What ?” Louis raises a brow.

“Didn’t you work at the Baked Bean ?” Zayn asks Harry.

“Sorry mate, no.” Harry shakes his head, and doesn’t seem to lie.

“Fuck…I know I’ve seen you somewhere. This is driving me crazy !” Zayn mutters, sitting between Niall and Liam who’s sitting next to Harry.

“I don’t recall mate, sorry.” Harry is being polite, so Louis squeezes his hand and rubs a thumb against his palm.

“Oh no.” Liam interrupts them. “Sophia’s calling. Wait for me, I’ll be quick !” He jumps from the couch to lock himself in Niall’s room.

“They’re so cute.” Niall coos happily. “Do you have a girlfriend Harry ?”

“Um…no.”

“Not seeing anyone, huh ?” Zayn adds.

“I am.”

“Do you want her to be your girlfriend or are you just messing around ?” Niall chuckles and Louis is not feeling too comfortable right now.

“It’s a _he_. And yes, I’d like him to be my boyfriend.” Harry explains, making Louis’ insides burn with those bloody raging butterflies.

The room goes silent and Louis curses five times a second. He didn’t think Harry would out himself like that. Sure, he seemed comfortable with who he is, but it still didn’t cross Louis’ mind to warn him that his friends had divergent opinions. Harry knew Louis didn’t want people to know he was seeing a guy, but he never told him why precisely.

“Oh.” Niall goes green and Zayn clears his throat as Liam comes back.

“Sorry lads ! What did I miss ?” Liam rubs his hands and sits back down.

“We were talking about Harry’s…boyfriend.” Niall says, giving Liam a look to make sure he doesn’t gasp.

“Alright…That’s cool mate.” Liam smiles. “How long ?”

“They’re not official yet.” Zayn informs and Liam nods.

“Are we kidnapping you from him tonight ?” Niall laughs.

“No, not at all.” Harry smiles.

“Good then. I don’t want an angry boyfriend being jealous because of me !”

“No guy’s gonna be jealous because of you Ni !” Zayn mocks him and Niall’s face falling makes Louis burst in laughter, rapidly joined by Harry who’s probably just laughing because Louis is, given how he only stares at him as he scrunches his nose and exposes his teeth, letting his head fall on Louis' shoulder because this was apparently way too funny.

“Hey ! I’m fit ! I could get someone like Harry !” Niall sounds so offended it’s hilarious. “Right, Harry ? Don’t tell me you wouldn’t wanna try this !” Niall asks, walking his hands all over his own torso with a smug face.

They all laugh and Louis’ just glad they’re not being mean to Harry.

“You’re not my type, but I’m sure you’d have no problem getting any guy you want.” Harry chuckles and absentmindedly leans back against Louis’ chest, his laugh echoing in Louis’ body.

“Thank you !” Niall yells and then turns to Zayn. “See !”

“The ancient Greek exhibition !” Zayn snaps again.

“No.” Harry shakes his head.

“Fuck !” Zayn drops his head back, still not giving up on trying to find where he saw Harry before.

They finally go back to the film after Niall has made sure he can pull a guy, and Louis’ starting to doze off in the middle of the third one, dropping his head on Harry’s shoulder with his arm lazily resting on the boy’s lap.

He feels a gentle caress on his face and flutters his eyelids open to see Harry cupping his cheek as he wakes up. He stretches his arms and rubs his eyes, letting Harry stroke his lower back under his clothes before remembering where they are, and who they’re with.

Luckily, Niall is snoring, Zayn is in a deep discussion with Liam, and Harry wouldn’t risk exposing Louis anyway, so it’s all good.

“I think we’ll go, I’m exhausted !” Louis yawns.

“Oh, you’re going together ?” Liam asks, making Louis realize he said that as if they were a package deal, like if one has to go, then the other has to as well, so not the most laddy lad thing to say.

“Yeah, we’re taking the same bus.” Harry saves Louis who’s too tired to find something.

“Alright…Thanks for coming Harry.” Liam smiles, and Louis watches as they give each other a friendly embrace.

Zayn doesn’t stand up given the snoring Niall on his lap, but bumps Harry’s fist and whispers a ‘goodbye’ as they head to the door.

Louis lets Harry walk down the hallway to half hug Liam goodbye, mouthing ‘thank you’ for making Harry comfortable. Liam winks – or tries to, closing both eyes in one go instead – and closes the door.

“I’m too tired to walk all the way to the bus stop…Can’t we use your homeless skills and find a nice spot in the street or something ?” Louis whines, shuffling his feet like a spoilt child. He takes forever to walk down the stairs, grunting every two steps, and fakes a cry when he gets closer to the end.

Harry giggles and gives him his back, squatting down at the end of the stairs with his arms going backwards.

“What are you doing ?” Louis raises a brow, bringing his hands to his hips because Harry’s not paying attention to his whining.

“Hop on !” Harry instructs, gesturing for Louis to get on his back.

“I can’t make you do that.” Louis says, but only to be polite, because he’s definitely considering the idea.

“Shush and hop on Lou !” Harry insists.

Louis adjusts his sweatpants, glad he didn’t go for his tight jeans, and leans on Harry’s shoulders to climb his back, crossing his legs around his middle as Harry lifts his bum higher, securing him before holding onto it when he straightens up.

Louis wraps his arms around his neck and nuzzles his head there, resuming his sleep as Harry walks them out to the bus stop.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you ?” Louis mumbles in Harry’s neck, noticing that the latter still has both his hands folded under his bum.

“Yes. Yes I am.” Harry nods, making Louis giggle and tighten his grip around the boy’s waist.

“The bus will be there in three minutes.” Harry announces, making Louis choke on his hair as he turns his head constantly.

“Can I stay on your back forever ?” Louis whines.

He’s too tired. And when he’s tired, not only is he a cry baby, he’s extremely affectionate and needs a cocoon to bury himself into.

“Of course, baby.” Harry whispers, and Louis feels the pet name reach his fucking bones. He kisses Harry’s neck to thank him, and goes back to his nap.

When the bus arrives, he pouts but gets off Harry’s back anyway, holding his hand as they get in the rather empty bus, only two other people sitting in the front.

They walk to the back and Harry sits down first, pulling Louis down on him by his hips, finally having him on his lap as he wanted.

He wraps his arms around his waist and Louis leans back, resting entirely on him, letting him kiss his neck as he tries to sleep. He can’t really do that though, because Harry keeps stroking his thigh, and he can feel his hand a bit too much over his loose sweats.

He turns his head and brushes his forehead gently against Harry’s cheek so the latter can face him, like a kitten begging for attention, and waits to have his lips in focus to kiss him.

Harry slows down his hand on Louis’ leg, walking his fingers over his crotch before sliding them under his jumper, resting his hand on his tummy as he rubs his thumb against it, burning Louis’ skin and making his stomach be the home of more blossomed caterpillars.

They keep kissing as Harry brings his free hand between Louis’ legs, just resting there, driving Louis a bit crazy because he can feel Harry’s thumb so close to his crotch he’s controlling himself not to move that hand himself.

He keeps his hand in Harry's hair instead, massaging his scalp as he tilts his head to suck on his tongue, the sound of their kiss probably audible all the way to the front. 

Harry tightens his grip on Louis' thigh when the latter tugs slightly at a handful of curls, and slides his hand higher before going back down, as if he's wrestling with his hands to not touch Louis there.

He's closing his fist on his leg, tugging at the sweats, ready to rip them off.

Louis had never been touched like that and he can feel his heart beating too loud, but he doesn't want Harry to stop. They might be in public, technically, and the two people in the bus might be eyeing them, he doesn't really care for once. He's not anxious thinking about how those people may see him, or if he should contain himself for other people's comfort.

All he can focus on his Harry's hand sliding down, covering his crotch entirely just to pull him higher on his lap, rubbing Louis' sweats against his thighs again trying to control himself.

Louis opens one eye to check where they are, and struggles to speak as Harry nibbles at his bottom lip.

"Fuck ! That’s us !"

They rush to exit the bus, and when Louis turns to laugh, Harry has dark eyes, only, this time, it’s something completely different from hostility or fear. He pulls Louis up by his thighs without warning and puts him down on the high bench of the bus stop’s shelter.

Louis is surprised, but pleased, and giggles as Harry gives him a dozen kisses everywhere from his neck to his mouth, even stopping on the tip of his nose, to finally kiss his lips the way he was in the bus.

He wraps his legs around Harry’s waist, pulling him in closer at the same time, and brings the boy’s face in his hands, feeling his jaw move to kiss him properly as his fingers grasps his thighs.

He’s almost panting, swaying to make their chest touch, smiling into Harry’s mouth when the latter takes hold of his bum to get him even closer. And of course he lets him do that, those hands are not to be told off right now.

Louis’ back collides with the billboard behind him when Harry walks further between his legs, as if they weren’t close enough already, and creates a sloppy mess of tongues and moans in the empty street.

“Waitwaitwait !” Louis says fast. “I need to breathe !” He’s completely out of breath, dropping his head back as Harry keeps sucking on his neck, not even showing one sign of exhaustion. His breaths are even against Louis’ skin, and he’s apparently determined to just not stop.

“Are you a robot or something ?” He asks, still not completely recovering from how many times they played with their tongues in one go before pulling away without as much as a slight pause.

“No, I just love kissing you.” Harry says before going back to sucking a bruise into Louis’ neck.

“I thought you didn’t like purple marks ?” Louis chuckles.

“It depends on how they’re done.” Harry murmurs and nibbles at Louis’ earlobe before going back to his lips. “Ready ?”

“For what ? I feel like I’ve just ran a bloody triathlon !” Louis huffs. Of course he would spend the entire night kissing that boy, but he can only go for so long without oxygen.

Harry laughs, tilting his head back and making his hair swing as if he’s in a hair product commercial, ready to tell Louis he’s worth it.

“You’re too funny.” Harry mutters and hugs Louis tight, wrapping his arms all around him and resting his head in the crook of his neck, making Louis feel like a teddy bear when he was seconds away from getting his clothes ripped off.

When he loosens the embrace, Harry takes Louis’ hands in his and pecks his lips just once before looking at him seriously.

Louis mouths a ‘what’ and kicks Harry’s arse with the heel of his foot to make him speak up.

“What are your thoughts on what I said earlier ?” Harry asks shyly.

“We’ve spent quite a while together you know…Are you talking about your opinion on salt and vinegar crisps ? Or the movies ? Or my friends ? Or-“

“The boyfriend thing…What do you say about that ?” Harry looks down at their linked hands. “Would you like to be my boyfriend ?”

Louis had never thought he’d get asked that. And he had never thought he’d like hearing that so much. He had never asked a girl to be his girlfriend, and was never asked to be someone’s boyfriend.

He’s blushing so much he can feel himself go red. He can’t help smiling big, crinkles forming by his eyes as he nods with the two thin lines he has for eyes now, cupping Harry’s cheek to kiss him.

He has a boyfriend. More importantly, Harry is his boyfriend. A guy. A man being his friend that he gets to kiss and hold hands with and touch, and do other things he doesn’t even want to think about because he can only take one thing at a time.

But this one is a good one to start with.

 

 

*****

 

“Hi Mandy !” Louis sighs when he steps into the assistants’ office. He’s been running to be on time and he doesn’t have the greatest stamina, so it didn’t end very well.

“Morning…” Amanda greets him with a weak smile, far from the usually overexcited squeal.

“What happened ? Did Mr Brooks threatened to report Nicki to the judge again ?” Louis rolls his eyes.

“Um…no…She wants to see you in her office.” She says very professional like, as if they’d never discussed David Beckham’s thighs sipping at the same cup of tea.

Louis frowns but puts his messenger bag on his chair anyway before adjusting his blazer and walking to Mrs Howard’s office, glancing at himself in the mirror in the hallway to quickly to check if Harry’s cravings are noticeable under his navy blue turtleneck.

He knocks on the open door and steps in as always, getting worried when Mrs Howard doesn’t even stand up when she sees him at the door, gesturing for him to sit down quietly. Louis knows that look though, so he’s starting to cry inside.

He prays he’s wrong, prays this woman has the same look for multiple situations, and prays Hannah’s fate will not be his. She had been fired after sending the wrong submissions to court, and Mrs Howard had to take it on herself to get rid of her.

“Is something wrong ?” Louis asks.

“Louis. You know I’ve always treated you as my own son. You’re the loveliest intern I’ve ever had and I genuinely care about you.”

This can’t be good. Has he forgotten to fill the coffee maker when he left the other day ? Has she found out he was the one to steal that ruler a year ago ? Should he confess using the upper office’s bathroom without permission ?

“I got a call from Mr Pavelka this morning.”

_Fuck._

“He has become a valuable client, but I still wanted to trust you over him. He told me things I wish didn’t happen between you two, showing me I might have been wrong to think you were professional enough.” Mrs Howard doesn’t look at Louis. It’s like it’s paining her to say that.

“Mrs Howard, I promise nothing happened. He insisted and-“

“He told me you came onto him and told him I’d drop his case if he refused. I didn’t think a man this age and in his position would ever feel threatened by a young intern, but he sounded very scared that I’d let him down.”

Louis doesn’t even know what to say. All he can think is _twat prick wanker_   on a loop.

“I can assure you that I did not do or say anything that could make him think that I-“

“I know you’re a nice young man Louis. But I can’t have people in the milieu talk about the firm like that. Rather it is true or not, if I keep you with me, he won’t hesitate to tell his friends - who happen to be my clients - that I work with someone this unprofessional.”

“What do you mean ?”

“I can’t have you working here anymore, Louis. I’m sorry.”

Louis can feel tears come up, reddening his eyes within seconds, unable to keep it in. He might have complained about the amount of work and the boring days, this internship was a gold mine and he met people who’ve been there for him in the hardest time. They know his situation and know how much he needs this, and it just feels like he’s being abandoned on the side of the road.

He stands up without a word, sensing there’s no way to change her mind, and doesn’t even look at the way Amanda ignores him as he grabs his bag, wondering why she’s acting like they hadn’t talked about the client in any other way than the legal one.

He jogs to the exit and cries as he runs down the stairs, waiting to be in the bus before letting his tears stream even more down his cheeks as he stares out the window, wondering why the universe, or God, or whatever is in charge of his fate, decided to push him back down when he was nearly completely standing back up.

He ignores Mrs Griffith completely, not even listening to her as he slams the door and buries his face into his pillow, crying and screaming, chest exploding with the thoughts coming with the news.

His dad wanted him to keep this internship so much, was so proud to see him work with serious people in a great firm, wanted so bad to make sure he’d secure a future for him. And he had ruined everything. Mrs Howard had become a second mom and Amanda had become a dear friend. And it had all went to waste, just because he couldn’t bare being rude to someone who didn’t even hesitate getting him fired with lies. Just because he didn't trust Harry enough. Just because he wasn't able to believe good things could just happen to him.

He can’t even hear the first few knocks on his door because of how much he’s crying. When he does, he wipes his eyes and checks in the peephole to open, still crying and sniffling when Harry appears in front of him.

He doesn’t even question why he’s here knowing Louis was supposed to be at his internship all day, doesn’t question him not looking as surprised as he should, and he doesn’t ask about the bags he’s carrying when he lets him in and crumbles into his open arms.

“How could he be such a fucking twat ?” Louis sniffles.

“He’s an egotistic shark. You hurt his ego, so he got his revenge. I promise he’ll pay for that, Lou. He will.” Harry murmurs in the back of Louis’ neck, tightening his arms around him as Louis crawls back into his chest, curling into a ball as he keeps crying, slowly falling asleep in his warm human shell on the bed.

When he wakes up, Louis is clinging onto Harry with his head resting on his chest and one leg between his. He sits up and soon feels Harry’s hand on his back under the turtleneck that’s been chocking him. He takes it off and flops back down on the bed.

“Feeling better ?” Harry kisses his shoulder.

“I still feel stupid, internshipless, futureless….and hungry. I’m really hungry.” Louis turns to trap his face between Harry’s neck and the pillow.

“Do you wanna go out to eat ? And maybe we could go see a movie at The Dark Room after ?” Harry suggests, caressing Louis. The latter nods in the pillow but doesn’t move, enjoying Harry’s hands along his bare back.

“C’mon, let’s go !” Harry playfully spanks Louis, making him giggle before getting off the bed to change into comfortable clothes. How did this boy manage to make him smile in any situation, he had no fucking clue.

There’s rarely more than five people every time they go to the old theatre, so there’s no need to pretend he has his life together enough to spend an hour getting ready. He slips into his black sweatpants, tight enough to pass as casual clothes and not just couch friendly pants, and chooses his black Vans and a simple white tee to put under his oversized grey jumper as soft as his favourite blanket.

“I’ll have the vegetarian, please. And the chocolate muffin. And the homemade lemonade. Thank you.” Louis orders when they get to the restaurant next to the theatre, watched by a happy and smug Harry. “What ?”

“Nothing…” Harry shakes his head and intertwines his hand with Louis’ on the table.

“Thank you !” Louis smiles at the waitress and looks eager to start his salad.

It looks healthy and filling and he’s excited, for some reason. He doesn’t even think twice before taking the first bite, moaning into his fork as he speeds up, devouring the plate as if he hasn’t eaten in months. He hasn’t, so it’s not completely inaccurate, but still.

He doesn’t even take the time to talk. He’s completely focused on how good that salad tastes, how good it feels to eat fresh veggies and feel a bit more awake than he did a few moments ago. Moments meaning _months_.

“Why is it so fucking good ?!” He whimpers as Harry chuckles, eating his plate of grilled fish and greens with a side of mash.

When he’s done, he doesn’t feel stuffed. He just feels satisfied, with enough room to eat a quarter of the muffin he ordered and half his glass of lemonade. And then he feels much better. It’s like he’s just woken up, having enough energy to do anything he could think of.

He pays – insisting that Harry keeps his money for more important things and agreeing to let him pay the next time – and they start walking to the theatre.

Louis is ecstatic, enjoying the fresh air and hoping on the low wall along the pavement, gesturing for Harry to join him. The latter climbs on the wall, and follows Louis in his adventure.

When the wall ends, Louis jumps on Harry’s back who stood under him, and can’t help laughing as Harry starts running, making Louis hold onto him so tight in fear of falling that Harry makes choking noises until they reach the theatre.

He hops off his ride to choose a movie, leaning against Harry who hooks his arm around Louis’ shoulder and kisses his head.

“I wanna see something dumb.” Louis says. “I wanna laugh.”

Harry looks at him and grins before pointing at a chick flick.

“Hey, that’s not fair. It’s romantic.” Louis sways his hips into Harry’s to scold him.

“Okay, then this one…” Harry points at another movie starring Ben Stiller.

“Mmh…seems funny. Alright !” Louis takes Harry’s hand and pulls him so hard Harry lets out an “ _ah_ !” trying not to trip over his own feet when he follows Louis.

As expected, the theatre is rather empty. There’s just a couple in the front row. They walk all the way to the top and Harry easily gets Louis to sit on him, angling himself on the side so he doesn’t keep him from seeing the screen.

The movie hasn’t started yet but Louis and Harry are already kissing too much to care about what’s happening around them. The loud sound coming from the speakers mask the one of their tongues, and the black of the room makes them blend easily enough to make out in peace. And yes, Louis feels like a reckless teenager.

He's gradually shift to give Harry his back, allowing the latter to keep his hand between his legs as they kiss, teasing Louis by making him believe he’ll get to his crotch every time, only to pull away and massage his thighs instead.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Harry !” Louis murmurs and takes Harry’s hand to put it right on his crotch.

“I am a gentleman, Lou.” Harry whispers.

“And I allow you to stop being one.” Louis says and starts palming himself over Harry’s hand, tilting his head back on his shoulder as he completely lets go.

They resume kissing sloppily, not focusing at all on the movie or the fact that they’re in a theatre, in public. But apparently being in public isn't so much of an issue.

“ _Fuck_ _me_ …” Harry curses as he feels Louis' semi over his sweatpants, not leaving much to imagination. “I can’t really stop now.”

“You better not.” Louis has never felt a hand this firm and strong and just so…manly…and he's not willing to not find out where it can go.

Harry starts rubbing Louis gently as he sucks on his neck, and Louis can’t help resting his own hand over Harry’s to feel what he’s doing in every way.

He’s enjoying Harry’s hand between his legs and his tongue on his neck, eyeing the movie for a brief moment. His eyes are fluttering as Harry rubs his covered cock, and he parts his lips and thrusts in the air when Harry slides his hand in his boxers, wrapping his hand around him to make sure he's squirming on his lap.

He's so lost in his touch he doest even notice Harry suddenly putting him on his seat and appearing on his knees in front of him, tying his hair before spreading Louis’ legs to get in between.

“What the-“

Louis can’t really finish that sentence.

Harry has already slid his sweats and boxers down in one go, lifting Louis’ hips up himself without him realizing. Louis doesn’t have enough time to comprehend a few things: how come he’s this hard for a guy ? How come Harry managed to put him this fast on his seat and kneel down without Louis even registering ? How come he doesn’t care they’re in public ? And, more importantly, how come his tongue licking his cock feels like his spine is being wrecked ?

Nothing makes sense. Louis’ never felt like this. He’s had blowjobs before and nothing makes sense right now. Harry’s tongue feels painfully good and his lips wraps so well around him, and the way he hollows his cheeks as he takes him all the way to his balls is not a sight Louis could forget anytime soon. And this bloody hand is working him up so well he's not sure if he should slow this down to make it last, or make sure not to die before he comes.

But it’s more than that. It doesn’t feel normal, doesn’t feel like someone is just sucking him off. It feels like Louis’ being swallowed entirely through his cock, like he’s getting his life sucked out of him.

He’s destroying his lip trying to hold his moans, and he’s certain he’d scream if he opened his mouth.

This is not how blowjobs go, Louis thinks.

He holds onto Harry’s head with one hand and digs his other fingers in the armrest as if to make sure he’s not reaching highs that lift him off his seat. When he looks down, he sees Harry’s lashes flutter as he drags his tongue along his length and takes him back into his mouth, sucking passionately and making Louis unable to think, or breathe, or feel real.

He pushes back a curl that escaped from Harry’s bun, making Harry look up in surprise. And no, that’s definitely not real.

Harry’s emeralds have vanished. His actual eyes have vanished. Instead, there’s just black. There’s no white, no green, nothing but black that almost makes Louis scream in horror, but only makes him moan as Harry swallows him, making him thrust up and shout a moan covered by the screaming woman in the movie. Good timing, good timing.

“Fuck !” He chokes with his eyes closed, feeling a tear fall down one cheek.

Harry pumps him through it and keeps dragging his mouth on the tip of his cock, until there’s nothing left but numb weak legs and a twisted stomach.

He flops back down in the seat,  breathless and unable to move or remember anything he was thinking about two seconds ago.

This is not how blowjobs go.

“Wh…Fu…Y…ugh…” Louis can’t even speak.

He finds himself sitting on Harry’s lap again with his boxers and sweats back up, and has to try really hard to remember Harry helping him out until the movie ends, feeling happily dizzy and high as if he had just taken the most expensive painkiller, or maybe even ascended to Heaven.

“You’re okay, baby ?” Harry asks, voice echoing in Louis’ brain as he slowly comes back.

“ _Bloody hell_.” Louis sighs, trying to stand up in vain, falling back down onto Harry’s lap immediately.

“Are you gonna be able to walk ? Did I hurt you ?” Harry sounds so innocent for someone who just sucked him off in public, but Louis’ just feeling way too good still, like his orgasm was extended.

“Fuck no. You were incredible.” He congratulates with a thumbs up because it’s all he can do right now. “That was unreal.”

They wait a few minutes after the movie as Louis learns to walk again, and finally exit hand in hand. Harry keeps laughing as Louis repeats dozens of ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’, still unable to understand what happened in there.

This was just not how blowjobs work, okay ?

“Do you want to come to mine ?” Harry asks when they’re walking outside.

“Sure. But I feel a bit weird to be honest…I-“ Louis winces. He feels so good he feels bad.

“Really ? How do you feel ?” Harry holds Louis as if he’s about to faint.

“Like…I don’t know…It’s like I’m not really here, that’s so fucking weird.” Louis is swaying on his feet as if he’s on a boat, and it must look terrifying, because Harry is cursing and throwing an arm around his neck to carry him just in time before he blacks out.

 

“Lou ? Baby ?” Louis hears Harry call for him and opens his eyes to see he’s lying in his bed in the mansion.

“I’m alright, I’m alright.” He reassures him before he asks anything, ready to run to the nearest pharmacy to get Louis anything he needs. “I just felt too much at once.”

“What do you mean ?”

“I don’t know…I just lost the internship and then ate loads and then what happened in the theatre and…It was a bit too much for my brain, I guess. Sorry…”

“No need to feel sorry !” Harry scolds. He’s sitting next to Louis on the bed with a cup of tea. “Here, drink this.”

Louis sits up to drink the tea sweetened with honey and with no milk, enjoying the immediate heat in his cold body.

“I sucked you off so well you saw stars, huh ?” Harry giggles, and Louis has the feeling he’s been keeping that sentence for too long while he was waiting for him to wake up.

“It was quite nice.” Louis chuckles. “Although at some point I think I had hallucinations !”

“What ?”

“When you looked at me you had like…black eyes...I thought. It must’ve been the darkness of the theatre itself to be honest, but I was so gone I couldn’t make the difference !” Louis giggles, and Harry joins him, but seems a bit more nervous.

“As long as you’re alright.”

“I am, I am. I’ll just sleep for a week and then I’ll be good to go.” Louis mumbles as he turns on his back, words muffled in the pillow. This bed is extremely comfortable, no wonder Harry doesn’t even notice the possible ghosts.

The boy settles next to him and strokes his back as he resumes his nap, smiling at the way Harry soothes a discomfort he wasn’t even aware he had. He falls asleep under his fingers, and wonders why half a day got him this tired.

He thinks about what happened and, even though he still doesn’t know how to deal with the internship situation, even though he has no clue how he was able to order food and actually eat it, and even though he doesn’t understand how he’s been sitting on Harry’s lap so much without reluctance, he keeps replaying what happened last, and how Harry got him higher than he’s ever been, and he figures it doesn’t really matter how exhausted he is now, he’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

 

 

*****

 

 

“Wow, Tommo you look great !” Liam widens his eyes as soon as Louis enters their row.

“What ?”

“You look so…I don’t know…fresh and…awake !” Niall adds.

“Um…okay…”

Louis supposes getting high on blowjobs, eating fresh foods for a few days, and sleeping like a baby in Harry’s arms every single night might have changed him. He did notice his clearer skin and the less prominent bags under his eyes, but he didn’t think anyone would actually see it.

“What have you been up to ?” Niall asks.

“I was just hanging out with Harry and stuff…”

“Careful, his boyfriend could get jealous with how much time you two spend together !” Liam chuckles, and Louis really wants to say something, but then Niall puffs laughing as if it’s shameful, so maybe not.

“He doesn’t mind.” Louis smiles and retrieves his laptop before the lecture starts.

An hour and a half passes before Louis hears Niall and Liam start a conversation he’s not too ready for.

“Do you think it hurts ? It sounds so fucking horrible, I’ve got goosebumps !” Niall winces.

“What do you think Louis ?” Liam whispers.

“What ?” He turns to try to understand the topic and type at the same time.

“About getting it up the arse.” Niall says raw, making a group of girls in front of them turn and frown. “You know, like Harry.”

Louis hadn’t really think about that. Of course he had, but he hadn’t. It had crossed his mind how much he wanted to do something with Harry, how much he craved him somehow, but he really had no clue how it all worked with guys.

He didn’t want to sound clueless or make things awkward, so he’d never ask Harry anything directly, but he also didn’t know how to approach that question. All he knew was that, whatever was possible, he wanted to do it with him.

He had come across some videos over the years – accidentally of course – and had watched a few seconds before changing them - just checking if that in fact wasn't a woman - so he had some knowledge and could picture how it’d go, but he wasn’t accepting that just yet.

“I don’t know…It must feel weird…” Louis stays vague.

He’s used to fucking girls, used to be the one to…you know…feel them tighten around him. So he never thought he’d be considering having someone do the same to him. Of course he could do what he does to girls, but he was quite curious to know how it feels like to be in that position.

The thought of being under someone’s control, letting Harry inside of him and feel every inch of his…okay maybe it wasn’t that weird. Maybe it could even be enjoyable. He’s never been one to say no to new experiences. And if that one was half as good as the other day at the theatre, then there was no doubt he was volunteering for trial.

“Yeah no shit !” Niall huffs. “We should ask Harry. It’d be fun to see his face when we ask him that !”

“I don’t think he’ll be comfortable answering this.” Louis frowns. “Stop talking about him like he’s a total freak.”

“Calm down Tommo, we’re not mocking him or anything, we’re just genuinely curious. We promised we’d never be rude to him.” Liam says with a soft voice that reassures his friend.

“Oh, speaking of Harry, Zayn wants to talk to you about him. He didn’t want to tell me, but it seemed important. I think he remembered where he saw him and wants to talk to you about it for whatever reason…” Niall informs Louis who rolls his eyes, wondering what his friend’s roommate came up with this time.

The lecture finally ends so they can see the sun again, and Louis is walking behind his friends when he’s suddenly pulled backwards and pushed against a wall in an empty corner of the hallway.

“Fuck ! You’ll have to tell me how you do that !” Louis pants.

“Sorry ! But I missed you !” Harry pouts and starts kissing Louis’ neck as he hugs him tight.

“We were together this morning, love !” Louis giggles, letting Harry give him dozens of kisses all over his face how he likes it.

“And ? I still missed you for the past four hours.” Harry groans and doesn’t waste another second before he’s pressing their lips together, pulling Louis closer by the hips as the latter wraps his arms around his neck.

“I’ve missed you too.”

They keep kissing as if students weren’t passing by just a few feet from them, and Louis makes sure to be hidden by the half wall they were leaning against before tugging at Harry’s hair, enjoying him moaning in his mouth.

Because Harry has an obsession, he drags his hands down Louis’ lower back to grab his bum and massages him over his jeans, frowning and making pleased noises as Louis mentally rolls his eyes, wondering how this boy could spend a lifetime with his hands on his arse.

They were so focused on each other, they didn’t even hear footsteps, until someone cursed.

“Oh fuck ! Sorry, Harry !” Zayn widened his eyes, embarrassed, until Harry stepped aside and Louis turned around. “Louis ?! Oh…um…sorry bro…um…I’ll let you…um…bye.”

Zayn quickly turned on his heels and rushed to get away from them. Louis ran after him, pulling his arm to not let him go.

“Zayn !”

“You know you could’ve told us this was why you’ve been hanging out with him…” Zayn stopped in his tracks to talk.

“How though ? You’ve been making fun of Aiden so much, it didn’t really made me want to say anything…”

“We’re your friends though…And even if you didn’t want to tell me, but at least Niall and Liam. Although, I wish you would’ve told me. I don’t want you to fight me or anything Tommo, but I don’t think you should see this guy. He’s not who he said he is. I need to talk to you.”

“You’re only saying that because he’s not like everyone else in here. He dresses in black and doesn't have lots of friends, so what ?”

“Louis you have to listen to me. I knew I had seen his face before so I thought hard about it and then I came across-“

“I don’t want to know who you’re mistaking him for. Maybe your problem is not him, but me being with him. Maybe you don’t want me with a guy, and I’m sorry, but I can’t stop that.” Louis stands up for himself for once, determined to not let anyone ruin everything again.

“It’s not about that. I don’t mind you dating guys. It’s him I don’t trust. I’m trying to look out for you ! He’s lying to you and I don’t know why, but it can’t be good. I found that article I had to work on a few months ago and I recognized-“

“I don’t care, Zayn. You have no right to tell me who I should trust. If you have a problem with me being with him, then I just won’t be around you so you don’t have to be bothered so much by us.” Louis says sternly and leaves his friend in the hallway to join Harry.

“What did he say ?” Harry asks, looking over his shoulder at Louis’ friend.

“Nothing important.”

Louis doesn’t even want to think about what Zayn said. He knows Harry. He knows why he’s been lying about a few things, and his friend just doesn’t have to know that.

Why would he think about Harry in that article he had to work on anyway ? Louis did remember the topic, but it’s not like Harry did anything related to Bristol’s suspension bridge. Of course he spent time there when they met, but how could he be linked to it in a bad way ?

Zayn was just not accepting Louis seeing a guy. That’s all it was. He’d have understood it a bit more if it was coming from Niall or Liam, given that they were closer and had an actual reason to protect him, so it just makes him want to stay away from Zayn.

He just hopes he doesn’t tell his best friends. He’d really rather keep that a secret for now. They’ve accepted Harry, but he’s not sure they’d know how to act if they knew he was with him. They were ready to mock his sex life, so they’re obviously not open to a total absence of judgmental comments.

In the meantime, he’ll just have to avoid seeing Zayn, even if it means never going to Niall’s again. The last thing he wants is for someone to take away his newfound joy.

He hasn’t had bad thoughts in a while, and he doesn’t understand how that happened, but he doesn't feel like destroying himself the way he used to, and he’s a hundred per cent sure it has everything to do with the boy standing right next to him, so there’s no way he’s letting him go.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to point out how Louis and his mom had to tweet about Bristol today to make me look at a camera as if I'm in a sitcom…
> 
> But anyway !
> 
> Enjoy this chapter ! 
> 
> <3
> 
> Mel

_Two hundred and fifty_

_A hundred and ninety-seven_

_Three hundred and twenty-six_

_Fifty_

Louis can only hear numbers in his head. He’s sitting at the table and everyone is talking loud, but he can’t hear any of them. All he can think about is the fact that he ate about eight hundred calories today, and he’s probably going to die any minute now.

He’s panicking, staying quiet as he stares at his empty plate and feels every bite in his veins. His stomach is full, he feels warm, and it’s like his arms are expending.

This doesn’t feel right.

He’s been eating more and not getting rid of anything, and it doesn’t feel right. It’s like something else got over him, making him feel like eating wasn’t that bad after all, and he’s afraid to find out how it’ll backfire when his brain goes back to the regular train of thought.

He knows he’s gained weight, feels his jeans tighter and his cheeks heavy and chubby. His fingers keep swelling up and he hasn’t been dizzy for a few days. Sure he might be exaggerating a bit because you can’t really see it, but _he_ knows, so that’s enough.

And it really doesn’t feel right.

He had joined Niall, Liam and Liam’s current girlfriend, Sophia, for dinner, and it just hit him how he would’ve never finished a meal this big before. Before what, he doesn’t know, but something definitely changed and he’s not too happy about it.

He wouldn’t be able to even tell how the dinner went. He walked home dragging his feet and frowning, wondering why he had so much food inside of him.

He liked being cold all the time. He liked being left dazed and always on the verge of falling. He liked controlling what went through his body and what couldn’t stay in, and he liked feeling too light to weigh anything despite the number on the scale.

He’d never done it to impress other people, or to meet someone’s idea of perfection. It was his own idea of what he should be like. He wanted to eat nothing, weigh nothing, be nothing. Being invisible and taking the least space possible was his only dream lately, and he had learnt to love reaching that goal.

So now that he’s been digesting food for a few days, weeks even, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t feel like it was a mistake, but he wants so bad to feel like it is. It’s crazy to say, but he misses it. Sure he’s more active now and able to focus more and move a lot without shaking, but it’s just not the same.

He just wants his little demon back in his head.

He didn’t even feel like hurting himself physically. Sharp ends used to call for him in the distance, now he can’t hear anything and doesn’t even understand how he could ever do that to himself.

But he also doesn’t know what to do instead.

If he ever had an issue to deal with, if he ever doubted himself, if he ever got mad, it was his immediate way to cope with it. So now that he didn’t feel like doing it, he was lost and had nothing to turn to that made him feel as numb to pain.

He didn’t think about that when he was with Harry, too focused on him to think about himself, but whenever he was left alone, it was terrifying to not feel the old urges, almost as if that’s what made him _him_ , and now he was even more empty than what he once thought.

He used to occupy his time making mistakes and losing his mind trying to fix them, but now that he wasn’t naturally ruining something, he just didn’t know what else to get busy with, as if everything he was had been taken away from him, yet again.

That’s why, when he goes to sleep at night, he doesn’t pray for a good night sleep or for everything to stay this calm. He prays for everything to go back to normal, because he’s become someone he has no clue how to take care of.

“Morning Lou !” Harry calls from the kitchen when Louis walks out of his bedroom.

He had given him a key, too scared to let him crash at the deceased Addams family every single night. Some people would say it was just an excuse to have him sleep with him in his bed and keep him safe, or have someone to wake up to, or just a way to have this boy laugh loud and fill every room with joy, but Louis would still say it was a favour from him to Harry, not the other way around. _He_ was the one helping here…

“Hi, love.” Louis rubs his eyes, barely awake. He brushed his teeth and splashed water on his face, but mornings just weren’t for him.

He hugs Harry from behind as the latter makes breakfast, and stands on his tiptoes to kiss the back of his neck before sitting down at the table set up for two. Today’s flowers were daylilies, and Louis definitely didn’t moan when he smelled the petals in pastel hues in the middle of the table.

Harry had convinced him to bring these flowers that only lasted a day, blooming in the daylight and dying at night, saying there was a belief that this flower had forgetfulness properties to make people forget all sorrow and pain. Louis only accepted it in his flat because he wouldn’t have to take care of it everyday though. That was the only reason, obviously. They did match the colour of the kitchen walls, but that was just a bonus.

“That’s for me ?!” Louis gasps when Harry puts a full plate of eggs benedict with bacon and beans on the side.

Louis may have looked excited, but that was only because Harry had put the beans in a separate bowl, knowing Louis would have probably passed out at the sight of the beans’ juice touching the English muffins. And that was like telling Louis how much he cared about him as a person really.

“Of course.” Harry chuckles, placing his own plate across the table.

“I shouldn’t eat this much. Can we split ?”

“What are you talking about ? It’s a normal breakfast.” Harry shrugs, making Louis think even more about the changes that occurred ever since he let Harry in his life, because this boy knows how Louis sees food, and he knows how this is not just ‘a normal breakfast’.

“What did you do ?” He asks, as if Harry could have something to do with what’s been happening in his head.

“What ?” Harry raises a brow as he pours the fresh orange juice in both their glasses, and the lack of guilt in his eyes reminds Louis he can’t possibly get into his head like that.

“Nothing…But I won’t finish this.” Louis warns, even though he eats everything to the last bean.

Once they’re finished and Louis has pretended to be busy while Harry cleaned everything up, glad to not be the one to do it for once, they walked to the couch to watch the telly, knowing they’d have to spend the day apart since Louis had classes and Harry…well…

“Will you ever tell me what you do when I don’t see you ?” Louis turns his torso to face Harry, leaning his elbow on the back of the couch, legs swinging over Harry’s right thigh.

“I told you I’m not comfortable talking about that.” Harry pouts.

It would usually make Louis give up and just kiss his pouty face, but he couldn’t just accept this. He was convinced that boy was the replica of Jack The Ripper when they first met after all, he needed something to scratch that idea.

“Drug dealing ?” Louis tries but Harry looks at him with exasperation, making the ‘really Louis ?’ not even necessary to be said out loud. “I’m just guessing !”

Harry looks back at the screen, stroking Louis’ thigh, but Louis can’t help thinking he’s keeping that from him because he wouldn’t accept it. He had told him he had no friends, lived in a huge tomb full of ghosts, and poured his milk _before_ adding the cereals. There was no way this was worse.

“Prostitution ?” Louis tries again.

“I mean, no judgement for the profession, but selling my body isn’t my thing.” Harry answers but keeps watching the sitcom that’s airing, and Louis has a feeling he wouldn’t tell him even if he got it right.

“Then what is it ?!” Louis climbs on the couch to sit on his calves to beg Harry to tell him something he should’ve known for a while now. What more common that knowing someone’s job after all ?

“I help people with stuff. That’s all I can say.”

“Cashier ? Volunteer for old people ? Waiter ? Do you give out newspapers outside coffee shops ? Tell me !” Louis whines, the mystery is killing him. “Please ?”

“I promise it’s nothing illegal.” Harry says as if he’s giving any information.

“Please.” Louis insists, opting for another strategy. “If you tell me, I’ll be very thankful…”

He sits on one leg to get closer and buries his face in the crook of Harry’s neck to gently kiss him, trying to make him talk when too weak and distracted.

“Are you trying to seduce me to get me to talk ?” Harry giggles.

“Is it working ?” Louis pulls away briefly to look at the boy who’s staying mute.

“No.” Harry laughs.

Louis goes back to kissing Harry’s neck, but gives up the soft pecks and bites him instead, sucking at the skin between his teeth and circling his tongue on the red spot. He slides his hand under Harry’s loose shirt and walks his fingertips all the way to a nipple, twisting it slowly as if to trigger some kind of response. Those nipples had to be constantly hard for a reason. There was no way they’d be this mesmerizing if they didn’t withhold some kind of secret faculties.

No luck though, Harry is starting to sink into the couch, but those lips are still sealed.

Louis licks his neck one last time before turning Harry’s face with a gentle hand on his chin, only sweeping his lips on the boy’s mouth before slightly sucking on his bottom curve, provoking surprised noises of pleasure. Good start.

He keeps kissing him as thoroughly, making sure to not let Harry take over at any moment, leaving him befuddled since he’s usually the one in charge of that. But maybe Louis shouldn’t always be the one completely hypnotized and unable to function properly.

He deepens the kiss and purposefully moans into Harry’s mouth as he takes hold of his tongue with his own, always changing the pattern before the boy starts to get used to the rhythm. There’s just no way he’s letting him get comfortable enough to think ahead and make Louis lose focus. He’s on a mission here. It’s not the hardest he’s ever had to engage in, but still, it’s a very serious matter.

He lets his hand free Harry’s puffed out pecs to glide down, smoothly caressing his torso to tease him all the way down his pelvis, massaging his crotch over the sweats he had lent him.

He leisurely moves his hand to make sure the soft fabric brushes against Harry, and goes back to his neck to nibble at the spot under his jawline, enjoying the way the boy thrusts into his hand and whimpers, squeezing Louis’ thigh to let him know how responsive he is to this.

“And now…?” Louis murmurs in Harry’s ear but the latter bites his lip and shakes his head, eyes closed as he drops his head back and wraps his hand around Louis’ wrist, visibly trying to pull him away, but enjoying the way he’s touching him a bit too much to let go just yet.

Louis can’t take no for an answer though. It doesn’t matter if he’s never done this, doesn’t matter if he has no clue if he’ll manage to get it right, and doesn’t matter if he has no idea how to not ask questions. He can’t let Harry know his plan, so he takes a mental deep breath and climbs on each side of Harry’s lap, straddling him as he unlaces the sweatpants, leaning down to kiss him when he opens his mouth to say something.

He has no clue what he’s doing, but it’s somehow coming naturally and he just figures he might as well do whatever he feels like.

He begins to gradually grind on the boy’s lap, trying hard not to trap himself into this when Harry strokes his thighs before pulling him closer by covering his arse with his large hands. And by large hands we’re talking about a ‘can easily hold at least four bottles in one hand’ kind of situation.

He’s not sure what to do next, but Harry’s letting deep groans into his mouth, so maybe he’s on the right path.

“I’m…I’m not telling y-you… _uh_ …” Harry breathes.

“Alright.” Louis nods and stops moving, letting go of Harry’s tongue before climbing off his lap, leaving him with his semi and an open mouth.

“Heyyyy !” Harry complains. “You can’t do that !”

“Watch me.” Louis purses his lips with his sassy look and crosses his arms, sitting on the couch with a safe distance.

He can feel Harry’s eyes on him but doesn’t flinch, doesn’t dare looking back at him and giving in. Harry wasn’t the only one left flustered and hard, this was just as painful for him.

“Oh fuck !” Harry curses and throws himself on Louis, making the latter squeal as they both fall on the carpet, making Louis straddle Harry’s lap again. The boy looks so eager to be touched Louis thinks he might as well be bold.

He licks his lips and squints briefly before sliding Harry’s pants down, freeing a very hard, rather hung, and just an overall well-endowed cock that has Louis weak from his waist down. He doesn’t even understand how he ever doubted being into men right now. Or maybe that's just Harry.

He does his best not to make him wait too long before pretending it’s himself, picturing how he’d like it to do the same to the art lying under him. His hair is covering his face and those sinful lips are just not ready to close and let Louis live, so he can’t stop now.

He wraps his hand around his length and circles his thumb on the tip before jerking him off, not taking as long as he had planned half a second ago when he sees Harry already on edge.

He moves his hand up and down as he would for himself, smiling internally when he hears how much Harry is enjoying it. He lifts himself up to settle between Harry’s legs as soon as he bends his knees, allowing him to have a full view on the whimpering Greek god.

He can feel Harry’s cock leak on his fingers and when he looks down, he sees the tip glistening and wonders how it’d feel to taste this part of him. He’s never done it, but it really doesn’t sound like the worst idea. It'd only ease everything, right ? Make his hand slide better and speed up…It's just mandatory.

He doesn’t dare though. He doesn’t want to do ruin how receptive Harry is being. What if he panics and messes up ? What if he accidentally gets his teeth out and hurt him ? What if he doesn’t get it all the way in ? Also, is Louis’ hand this tiny or is Harry’s just this big ? Maybe he should compare it with his mouth and not his hand, you know, just to be sure.

Louis bends down and takes Harry in his mouth, still pumping as he twirls his tongue on the head and hollows his cheeks to get his cock deep enough.

“Oh my fucking-“ Harry grunts and thrusts slightly into Louis’ mouth, making the latter almost gag but recompose himself quickly. “Your t- tongue on the…on the…”

Louis tries to listen to the instructions, but he has a feeling he knows what Harry means, so he repeats what he had done, and licks the tip of Harry’s cock before sucking on it, making a quiet ‘pop’ noise when he gets his head up to check if he got it right.

Turns out he did. Or maybe he didn’t, but by the choked moan Harry makes into his fist, it’s probably as good.

He keeps bobbing his head up and down and finds himself a bit carried away, lashes fluttering, unable to keep his eyes open and even matching Harry’s whimpering as he takes him deeper, almost meeting his hand.

“My b… _uh_ …can you t-…touch my ba-“ Harry tries to finish but squeaks instead as Louis moves his free hand to the boy’s balls, massaging and taking it in his mouth briefly before focusing on his main concern again.

As Harry’s moans get louder and less controlled, Louis becomes very aware of a detail that hadn’t crossed his mind so far. He had been doing well up until this point, but had no idea what to do when getting what he wanted from the start.

“Wait. What do you want me to-“ Louis meant to ask what to do next but recklessly kept jerking Harry off, getting cum all over his face, splashing in his eyes and making him squint and scrunch his nose, wiping his eyelid quickly before chuckling silently and just accepting Harry coming on his face and his own chest.

He can’t say it’s not agreeable, can’t say it’s an unpleasant surprise, and can’t deny licking his thumb once he gathered Harry’s cum on him.

Harry opens his eyes to giggle, gesturing for Louis to come closer to rub his eyes from the still-there-and-not-going-anywhere drops of cum. He bites his bottom lip and looks Louis up and down, laughing again when Louis attempts to lick his wet chin.

“You look beautiful like that.”

“Shut up.” Louis rolls his eyes but laughs with him and collapses next to him on the carpet, adjusting his pyjama pants to realize Harry might not have been the only one enjoying this.

“I enlighten people in distress, listen to them and everything.” Harry says after a while when Louis’ wrapped around him on the floor, not even thinking about the class he has in thirty minutes.

Louis doesn’t say anything at first. He had completely forgotten why this had happened in the first place the second he took Harry in his mouth.

“You mean you’re working for something like the Samaritans ? Talking to people who call because they’re lonely ?”

“Sort of, yeah.”

_Fucking finally._

“What’s shameful about that though ?”

“Um…nothing I guess…” Harry shrugs. “But I went to uni and stuff…so being a suicide operator hadn’t really crossed my mind, and what I do with the job doesn’t always make me feel very proud if I can’t help someone. It’s the worst.”

“That’s so funny.” Louis chuckles but clears his throat when he hears himself. “I mean, not for the people calling, or for you not saving everyone, but you didn’t seem very helpful when it was me on that bridge…”

“It was a bad day. I hang out there sometimes because some people…” Harry eyes Louis. “…don’t know how to read a sign. They don’t call for help so the help has to come to them. The night you came I had already seen so many people I couldn’t help, I thought there was no point trying to stop you either.”

“So you started telling people to go ahead and kill themselves instead of helping them ?”

“No !” Harry protests, offended. “I just don’t waste my time on people who are already dead and stubborn. Those people don’t listen no matter how many times you repeat something. They’re gone before going on that bridge.”

“But I was already gone as well then…”

“No you weren’t. You were just pushing yourself closer to death to prove how much you wanted to stay.”

Louis frowns, wondering how Harry could tell. He, himself, couldn’t even realize that when he was climbing on the other side of the bridge. He did feel a sense of survival and did think about all the reasons why he shouldn’t be doing it, but he never thought it meant something other than him being too weak to do it.

“Did you follow me around just to make sure I wouldn’t kill myself ?”

“No...” Harry lies. “Yes.”

“Why ? I was just another stranger. Why make sure I was safe ?”

“Because…it’s complicated. You were funny and around my age, so it wasn’t that hard to want to see you again…and you had a nice smile. I didn’t want to let it vanish forever.” Harry admits and gives Louis a gentle peck on his forehead.

“Thank you.” Louis whispers, barely loud enough.

“Hm ?”

“Thank you...” Louis repeats. “…for looking after me. You’re like my guardian angel, huh ?”

“Um…yeah…” Harry says nervously. “I guess we could say that.”

 

  

*****

 

 

“I think it’s a case of necessity. The guy was homeless and had nowhere to go. The house was empty, so no harm done.” Louis argues.

“Yeah, but Southwark LBC v Williams, 1969, confirmed that it cannot be applied since it’d lead to justifying stealing food if one’s hungry.” Liam frowns, flicking through the papers on the table.

“1971. And this is different. I call extreme circumstances. He was trying to protect himself from natural disasters. That storm could’ve killed him.” Louis says back.

“Domino’s or Nandos ?” Niall suddenly asks, looking more concerned by where they’ll go eat than if the defendant in the case they’re working on is to be sentenced.

“Niall ! We have to finish that for tomorrow ! Food will wait.” Louis scolds.

They all go back into their books trying to solve their problem, creating a silence around them in the library.

“Do they still have the mozzarella dippers ?” Louis asks, as if he had just been thinking about the whole menu instead of finding a defence.

“Nah mate, they changed that a while ago.” Niall shakes his head.

“What ?! I’m outraged. Nando's it is.”

They give up trying to find a solution and figure they’ll discuss it when they eat. They’d been staying in that library for almost four hours, so they could use a long break.

When they come out of the building, the sun hits their faces so hard they all groan and cover their eyes like vampires freshly out of their coffins.

They start walking towards the bus and lean against the shelter waiting for the six minutes. Louis’ phone vibrates in his pocket at the same time, and he wonders if he should actually answer that. His brain was already nothing but mash, he couldn’t even properly speak without stuttering and getting distracted by a legal definition.

“Hi mom.” He answers anyway.

“ _Boo Bear ! How are you ? Is it a good time to talk ?”_ Jay asks, sounding like she has something important to announce. Knowing her, it’s probably just about Phoebe getting a good grade, but he can’t just hang up every time.

"Yeah, sure.”

“ _I just wanted to know if you’ll be there next week. Lottie is interested in your university and wanted me to take her to visit. Would that be okay if we come ? I promise you won’t even notice we’re there !”_ Jay sounds so careful Louis wonders if he ever threatened her if she even dared coming to his flat.

“Of course you can come. I’ll set up the guest room for you.” Louis says politely. He can’t really say no to his own family staying with him. He always fights with his mom, but that doesn’t mean he’ll make her and his sister pay for an hotel when he’s got an extra bedroom.

“ _Thank you so much, honey ! Lottie will text you when we’ll come.”_

“Alright. I’ll call her anyway to see if she wants some help with anything.” Louis promises and looks up to see the bus arriving at the end of the road. “I’m about to get into the bus, but I’ll talk to you later, yeah ?”

“ _No problem ! Thank you again, I’ll wait for your call_.”

Louis hangs up and joins his friends to get dinner, already trying to find a way to hide Harry’s stuff in his flat. He’d been staying there a lot and scattered a few things along the way, so much that Louis didn’t even notice if it was his socks or Harry’s, his books or Harry’s, his t-shirt or Harry’s…Okay maybe the last one he did know, but it smelled like sweet flowers and Tom Ford cologne, so it was a shame to not wear it.

“What’s Harry doing ? He knows he can hang out with us, right ?” Niall asks, trying to sound casual. He had bonded with Harry over the last few times they’d seen each other. Niall was a bit fascinated by Harry’s humour and kept witnessing his weird moments he thought no one caught. They’d sort of become laughter buddies now, if that even was a thing.

“Yeah yeah, but he’s been busy with his job.” Louis pouts.

“Sucks. Does he even have time to see his boyfriend ?” Liam asks and Louis immediately nods, as if he knows that more than anyone. He does. He does know how much time they get to spend together. But Liam doesn’t know he’s the _he_ , so he shrugs right after to save himself.

“Have you met him ?” Niall has his mouth full of sweet potato fries and chicken, but he can’t just stop eating to talk, so Louis’ used to the sight.

“Um…I guess yeah.” Louis doesn’t dare looking at his friends in front of him. He takes his time to cut his grilled chicken in tiny pieces instead.

“You know, I thought you were the boyfriend at first.” Liam laughs. “You're always together. If I was the guy, I’d hate you I think.”

“True !” Niall agrees. “And you’re always touching him and vice versa…You’re so lucky he never brings him !”

Louis laughs with them, but he really is just trying to mask how much he’s shaking. He didn’t know it was that obvious. He sometimes realizes how his finger is somehow hooked in the belt loops of Harry’s jeans and hides his hand behind his back to stop himself. He also becomes very aware of how close they’re sitting or standing when he can’t move without dragging Harry along, but he didn’t think it was that bad.

Sure, they leaned a lot on each other all the time and left little to no personal space and zoned out in their own sphere when talking to each other, but they’d never kiss or use pet names, so they were keeping enough distance as it is.

“We just get along really well.” Louis shrugs, busying himself with a bottle of ketchup.

“Yeah we can tell…” Liam smirks. “Do you ‘get along really well’ for everything ?”

Both Louis’ friends look at each other and share their usual secret conversation about Louis, and Niall is suddenly very quiet. Liam waits for his answer as if he already knows it, and Louis really feels like he’s missed something as the ketchup streams on his fries.

“What do you mean ?”

“You know, you must agree on a lot like movies, and jokes, and music…and relationships…” Liam isn’t looking at Louis and the latter really needs them to speak up.

“What are you talking about ?” He asks as if Liam is saying bullshit after bullshit.

“Nothing. Just the fact that you’re doing Harry…” Liam is smiling and Niall still has his face in his plate, but he’s biting his lip not to grin too much.

“What ?! I’m not ! You do talk some shit sometimes bro.” Louis denies.

“It’s okay if you are Tommo. I’ve never seen you this happy, and that look you give him…I mean I feel like I’m third-wheeling even when I’m not in the same room.” Liam winks and Niall’s giggles pass as mutual agreement.

“We always thought you liked guys, mate. It’s no worries.” Niall chuckles. “We’re just happy you found someone you like.”

Louis doesn’t know what to say. This whole conversation was in fact a way to get the truth out of him and he wasn’t too glad to be kept out of a plan, but he also felt weirdly relieved to know his friends weren’t attacking or mocking him right now.

“Are you mad ?” He asks with a weak voice.

“What ? For what ?! You should be the one to be mad at us for putting up with our shitty comments !” Liam looks down, seemingly feeling guilty for things he might have said in the past.

“Yeah, we’re sorry, mate. We didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable to open up. You’re our best mate no matter what. You can like boobs or dicks, as long as you keep being your funny and kind self, we don’t care.” Niall explains. He’s never been the kind to react well in tricky situations, so it means a lot coming from him.

“Yeah.” Liam nods. “And you can talk about him all you want, we won’t judge.”

“What did I do to have you guys again ?” Louis chuckles, overwhelmed by how lucky he is to have these guys in his life.

They all laugh and Louis realizes he’s just come out to his friends, sort of, and he’s not dead or being punched, so he deserves another French fry.

They keep the subject to Louis and he feels a bit too under the spotlight, but he can finally talk about how he feels about Harry to someone, and that’s just a weight lifted off his chest to not think twice about the way he smiles or the adjectives he uses.

“Have you spent nights together and stuff ?” Niall wiggles his brows.

“I’m not talking about this.” Louis sets a boundary. There’s no way he’s sharing that bit.

“Oh c’mon ! I don’t wanna hear everything obviously, I still want dessert, but I’m curious !” Niall whines.

Louis sighs and drops his face in one hand with his elbow on the table.

“We spend most nights together yeah…and we’ve done stuff, but not _the_ stuff.” Louis is blushing, chuckling shyly as if he’d never been the one to openly talk about sex casually in every possible situation. “But everything’s been good so far. Really good.”

“Fuck. I’m happy if it’s going this great then. Sorry for judging him before…” Liam purses his lips and Louis nods, accepting his apology.

“Wait. It means I’m the only single one ?! Please don’t leave me out of your double dates !” Niall bounces on his chair.

“Double dates ? Oh god.” Louis winces. That’s just not something he’s used to be involved with.

“Oh yeah ! Soph’ is always begging me to hang out with her couple friends, so she’ll be down. And we can’t do anything without you Ni !” Liam grasps the blond lad’s head who’s sulking, kissing his head and bringing an instant smile back on his face.

“Um…okay…I’ll ask Harry.” Louis smiles politely, wondering if Harry would agree to this much exposure. He’s been doing really well hanging out with Liam and Niall, but who knows if he could take one more person.

“Have you talked to Zayn ?” Liam asks, aware that the two have been bickering and not even acknowledged each other’s existence when in the same room anymore.

“No. And I’m not going to.” Louis says dryly before changing the subject, not willing to bring himself down unnecessarily. “I have to meet Harry in twenty. Thanks again guys. I’ll see you tomorrow ?”

Louis stands up and leaves the money for his meal on the table before walking outside, waving his friends goodbye and thanking them one last time for being so good to him.

When he gets to the mansion, he slides himself between the broken gates and whistles as he steps inside the house, fear of being murdered long gone.

He had been there so many times now he didn’t even jump at unjustified noises and suspicious rays of light. He sometimes dreamt about the creepy portraits but, apart from that, he almost felt home, emotionally involved with Harry’s bed.

“Honey, I’m home !” He shouts in his cupped hands at the end of the stairs, giggling as he hears his voice echoing for too long.

He runs upstairs two steps at a time and drops his backpack in Harry’s room, opening every door to find him.

“Harry ?” He yells, waiting for the last repetition of his voice before calling him again. “Harry ?”

He doesn’t hear anything but he’s five minutes late from what they had agreed on, and Harry’s usually on time, so he starts exploring the house to find him. Of course, having a damn phone would’ve spared him some trouble, but Harry wasn’t willing to pay for something he wouldn’t use anyway. Louis did mention the vital need to send random pictures when he’s bored, but Harry didn’t seem to understand how important that was. Shame.

“Harry ?” He calls again as he reaches the end of the hallway after opening every single door.

There’s one he had never opened before. It’s half hidden behind a random curtain, so Louis never tried. He considers checking that room and starts sliding the curtain on one side , but he hears a noise in the room across from it, so he turns around and goes in that one instead.

“Harry ? Are you playing hide and seek ? I’m tired love, can we play cuddles instead ?” Louis asks, talking to an empty room.

When he turns the flashlight of his phone on, he figures he should probably go back to the hallway before scaring himself.

The room is smaller than any other - still bigger than Louis’ entire flat, but still - and the dusty furniture is the only thing that’s been kept in the house. He wonders why they’d take away everything but that dresser in the corner, or that small bed in the middle of the room against the back wall, or the tea table made for children…

There are stuffed animals spread on the floor, falling apart and probably filled with worms and other things. He keeps looking around, noticing the old yellowish photos on the nightstand, pictures of a little girl and her parents.

He angles the light on one of them to see what that Amelia allegedly looked like, but drops his phone when he feels a sort of breeze stroke his back.

“Harry ?” He calls immediately, hoping his shirt just brushed against him because that boy tried pulling him backwards. But there’s no one.

He breathes in and bends down to retrieve his phone. Harry probably just left a window opened.

“Shit !”

Louis’ phone screen is broken, making it impossible to see anything clearly. He tries pulling the pieces together as if that’d change anything, and turns his phone back on when it suddenly crashes, probably good for repair. That breeze was strong and his hands were slippery, but that company needed to come up with more resistant smartphones.

He drops it back down though, hearing a sudden giggle followed by another breath against the back of his neck.

“For fuck’s sake !” He grunts, bending again to get his phone. He really needed to stop being so surprised by what went down in this house. “Harry, I swear to god !”

The giggles seem to echo in the hallway, so Louis walks to get outside the room, but the door closes before he gets a chance to. He was walking with his head down, so Harry had probably taken advantage of that to slam the door in his face. That boy was a five year old.

“Very funny. I know someone who’s not getting anything up tonight !” Louis smirks, knowing he’ll see that door open again within seconds.

Except it doesn’t.

He snorts and goes back to resurrecting his phone in the meantime, waiting for his weird ass boyfriend to stop playing games while he’s stuck in Amelia’s room. It’s a perfectly respectable bedroom and all, but his phone is not willing to go back on, meaning he has no light in this darkness. The windows are condemned, so no air, and he’s starting to feel the consequences of drinking three glasses of water. What was the point of having clear skin if it meant going to the bathroom seventy times a day ?

He puts his phone back in his pocket because he’s not delusional, and starts banging on the door, turning the doorknob without success.

“Harry, you might think that’s hilarious, but I really need to pee ! I don’t think Amelia would like me filling her toy box, you know ?”

Louis starts to laugh but feels another hot breath graze his cheek, and the opened windows theory turns to ashes. He turns around to see where that came from, but there’s still nothing from what he can make out, which is not much.

“Um…Harry ?” Louis is starting to lose his calm. His heart could take that if someone was with him,  but he was alone here and his heart wasn’t too pleased with that.

“ _Play with me.”_ Louis heard it as a whisper, as if he had just thought that in someone else’s voice. And then another giggle echoed.

Pee. He will soon pee.

“Harry ! That’s not funny anymore ! Let me out !” Louis hurries, banging on the door relentlessly and twisting that doorknob so hard his hand is starting to burn.

He feels another breeze brush against his forehead and pulls the door open in one harsh move, nearly breaking it before running outside that room, sprinting to get out of the house.

He’s out of breath when he gets to the garden, leaning on his knees as he tries to survive and hold his pee at the same time.

“Lou ? You’re okay ?” Harry appears behind the gates. “Sorry I’m late ! Did something happen ?”

“What ? Why…How did you get outside so fast ?” Louis says out of breath.

“Hm ? I just got out of work…”

“That wasn’t you in there ?”

“What ? No, I just arrived.” Harry frowns in confusion.

And maybe these bushes won’t mind Louis watering them.

 

 

*****

 

 

“I told you she was there…” Harry murmurs whilst massaging Louis’ back on his bed, as if it’ll reassure Louis.

“I’m not thinking about it. Nothing happened. You pulled a good prank. I hate you.” Louis mumbles in the pillow.

“I didn’t though…”

Harry is sitting on Louis’ bum, trying to soothe the stress what happened earlier created. He’s in his black skinny jeans whilst Louis is in his boxers, burning with the previous fear that spread in him.

“Let’s talk about something else, I’m not dying today.” Louis whimpers in the pillow when Harry digs his thumbs on the right spot between his shoulder blades, and starts another conversation. “Liam and Niall found out.”

“Found out what ?” Harry asks, expertly massaging Louis’ back to make every little knot vanish.

“That we’re together.”

“Really ?!” Harry asks excitedly, stopping his hands to bend over and rest his head on Louis’ pillow to face him. 

Louis nods, biting a wry smile, unable to keep the crinkles by his eyes from forming, enjoying Harry’s happy grin. The latter kisses the tip of his nose, then his lips, stays there for a few seconds, and then kisses his neck, and about every little corner of Louis’ skin.

“Are they okay with it ?” He whispers, going back to his massage as if he’s going to be paid for it.

“Yeah. They’re surprisingly very supportive. They said they knew I was attracted to guys and stuff…”

“Does that mean I don’t have to contain myself around them anymore ?” Harry sounds ecstatic, warming Louis’ heart a little too much.

“I don’t think they’d be too pleased seeing what happens when you do whatever you want with me, but I guess you get to do more, yeah.” Louis chuckles.

“Can I do whatever I want with you right now ?” Harry whispers with his charming voice, articulating every word so slowly Louis is practically rushing him to say more.

“What do you want to do ?” Louis licks his bottom lip, smiling at the sound of that bloody raspy voice.

“You told me you were obsessed with being clean, right ?” Harry asks and Louis can literally hear his smirk.

“Um…yeah…why ?”

Louis doesn’t get any answer. He just enjoys Harry getting up to lay down on top of him, kissing his neck and his shoulders, all along his spine, gently biting his hips without him screaming bloody murder, because Harry loves his body as it is so he lets him enjoy it as he wishes, no matter how wrong he thinks it is still.

Harry brushes his lips against the dimples down Louis’ back and slowly tugs at the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down as the latter allows him, lifting his hips enough to find himself lying naked on Harry’s bed, not knowing what he has in mind, but willing to find out.

Harry spends a lifetime kissing and biting Louis’ bum cheeks, no surprise there, as if he had been thinking about it for ages. He always had his hands on him, but never got to walk his lips all over his arse, so Louis lets him have his fun while he’s focusing not to grind against the mattress.

He soon feels Harry’s fingers spread his cheeks and bites his bottom lip when he feels the boy’s tongue lick its way to his hole. And no, that he did not think about. He’s becoming very conscious about the fact that this boy is currently tasting his arse, and he would ask, but it’d be very rude of him to stop his work.

He twists in the mattress instead, before letting Harry spread his legs to settle between them. He just follows his hands and lets him perch his bum up by his hips, the firm hands lifting him up to get him on his knees.

He keeps his head – and teeth – in the pillow and tries not to think too much about how exposed he is right now, bent over and at Harry’s mercy.

Harry leaves a long trail of saliva from his balls all the way up to his dimples, and squeezes Louis’ cheeks before parting them further, rubbing over his hole with his thumb under his tongue to ease the touch.

Louis tries his best, but Harry takes all the time in the world, so it really is that boy’s fault if he rocks back on his face when he feels the tip of his tongue against him.

“Heyyyy !” Harry scolds.

“Sorrysorrysorry…” Louis mutters, holding his face in his hands.

“I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” Harry says softly and kisses Louis’ right cheek before going back to teasing him with his tongue.

Louis’ starting to moan in his hands unwillingly, unable to not be loud when Harry licks his hole one last time before spreading him further, getting one finger in with his tongue, making him curse too many times because he’s never felt like this, and this has to be extremely wrong because it feels extremely good.

He can feel Harry’s hot breath against him, making his cock twitch and his eyes squint. His tongue is exploring him, sometimes joined by a finger or two to open him up a bit more, given how incredibly tight he must be since it’s the first time feeling anything this deep.

Harry’s moans don’t help at all. It’s like he’s the one getting his arse eaten. He brushes the tip of his nose between Louis’ cheeks and holds onto Louis’ thighs only to go back to his hips to get himself further in, delicate touch making Louis’ head spin.

Louis’ not fine at all. He’s losing it and his heart is racing and his stomach keeps clenching, his back arching every time Harry brushes a hand right above his bum. He can’t keep his eyes open and he’s drooling in his hands. He can’t believe he’s letting go so much, not controlling his body anymore, and he’s never been this glad to be obsessed with hygiene.

Harry is walking his hands all over him as if his tongue and fingers weren’t enough, and he wished it felt good, but it feels unreal just like every time Harry touches him, so he’s pretty much on his death bed because there’s just no way someone can make it through this kind of extreme pleasure.

It’s like this boy has a gift to make him feel high with his hands and mouth.

“ _Uh_ …F-… _Anh_ …” is all Louis can let out without collapsing.

Because Harry apparently loves to see him close to death, he gets two fingers in the now very slick hole and plays with the rim, twirling them inside and sliding them in and out as he bites on Louis’ arse and strokes his thigh, only brushing his fingertips against the skin, goosebumps making the hair on Louis’ neck stiffen.

The latter reaches down to jerk himself off, because he can take a lot, but that’s just beyond bearable, and it makes Harry speed up, groaning behind him and opening him up even more before tasting him again, licking the edges as Louis whimpers and tries to to get some sort of relief.

Harry keeps going, moving his tongue faster, pushing his thumbs harder to make room for more, squeezing Louis’ bum. It takes one last twirl of tongue and a few more tugs at his cock for Louis to come all over the bed, high pitched moan echoing in the whole room.

Harry lets him be a dizzy mess and drags his lips along his back as he slowly comes back, unable to move and frankly not too keen on lying in the wet sheets.

“Good ?” Harry giggles when Louis groans in frustration, wanting to just let himself fall but too aware of his cum under him.

He struggles a bit to keep his balance when Harry stands up, and thanks the universe this boy reads his mind, because the clean towel he spreads under him was all he needed to finally let go and be at rest.

“I’m really proud of you, you know…” Harry whispers against Louis’ shoulder. “For telling your friends I mean…”

“They actually figured it out by themselves.”

“But you confirmed it. And that’s brave.” Harry insists, making Louis turn to face him and smile. He might be still lying on his stomach with Harry’s hand rubbing his back, trying to recover, he’s thankful he’s exhausted because of the boy next to him nonetheless.

“Thank you.” Louis says shyly and closes his eyes, looking forward to telling more people just how happy Harry, a _man_ , makes him.

 

 

*****

 

 

“Louis !” Lottie exclaims when her brother opens the door, taking her in his arms before helping with the suitcase.

He kisses his mother’s cheek awkwardly, keeping a gap between them even though they haven’t seen each other for almost ten months.

Louis had made sure to keep all of Harry’s belongings in his own room and insisted he took his toothbrush and perfumes or shoes to not deal with obvious questions. There was no way he could say he bought Chelsea boots too big for him just for fun.

“Your flat’s clean. That’s good…” Jay remarks as she inspects every corner of the place.

“Can we go eat ? I’m starving !” Lottie fake cries as soon as they drop their bags in the guest room.

“Sure.” Louis nods and leads the way to the road, already dreading the lunch. He really should’ve insisted a bit more for that phone, because it’d really help to have Harry texting him right now. His own phone was still to be fixed, so he couldn’t even call Niall or Liam for help without drawing attention to the time it took to type one word.

“Are you going to eat all of that ?!” Jay widens his eyes when Louis’ order arrives. He’s gone for a vegetarian pizza and a side salad, but his mom makes it sound like he just got three burgers and a bucket full of fried food.

“No…but I don’t control the servings here.”

 _As if_ he could’ve predicted the amount of food.

“I’ll finish it if he doesn’t !” Lottie grins. She had the eat-whatever-you-want-and-never-put-on-weight gene. She was praised for it and begged to eat more. No, Louis didn’t like eating around her.

“Have you been going to the gym ?” Jay frowns, making Louis very aware that he gained a few pounds.

He had been trying to get used to food and to how nutrition actually worked. Harry had helped him with it since he was proven to be a nutritionist in his spare time, and taught him how to fuel his body and not how to count. It was hard to cut the bad habits sometimes, but he was getting to know himself a bit more and enjoying not feeling like a walking corpse.

He knew he’d put on some weight going from under four hundred calories a day to eight hundred, but no one was looking at him like a failure and Harry loved every bits of him, so he didn’t waste days overthinking it. Until this lunch.

“No…” Louis sighs.

“You should. You said you missed it, why don’t you just go ?” Jay asks, biting into her steak.

“I don’t have the time with uni. I’m exhausted when I come home and I don’t want to walk around too late at night.”

_And I’d rather spend my spare time wrestling with my boyfriend on the bed as an activity._

“Oh. And how’s Niall ? And Liam ? Do you see them ?”

“Yes.” Louis rolls his eyes.

“You do ? Or are you saying that so I can leave you alone ?”

Louis had lied about going out for a few months, staying alone in his flat but saying he was seeing his friends to not make his mom suffocate him. He didn’t feel like being surrounded by people when he was falling apart and it was a choice not everyone understood.

“I see my friends all the time.” Louis swallows the anger that’s slowly building up and coming up his throat.

“And have you met any girl ?” She asks, determined to put her son on the spot about every aspect of his life, just to find something to criticize.

Lottie coughs, clearly uncomfortable witnessing the upcoming feud between her mom and brother.

“No.” Louis simply answers.

“I know you’re taking your time, but don’t you want to be with someone when you see your friends in relationships ? You should stop being so closed to everyone, you’ll end up alone.” Jay says as if it’s completely normal to say that to someone who’s been as hurt as her son. But she wouldn’t know.

“I’m not alone.” Louis mutters.

“Freddie is very nice. He plays for the school football team and took your sister to Barcelona last month.” Jay beams at Lottie, not too pleased being used like that.

Louis’ mom was trying to make him feel bad about himself knowing his little sister had found someone when he didn’t, and it was starting to make him see red, ready to explode and tell her he doesn’t need to rely on anyone to live, and that he already found someone he liked anyway.

“We wanted to organize a trip for this summer, but it’d be sad for you to see everyone in a relationship. Although you could play with the twins ?” Jay wasn’t a mean person. She didn’t intend to be anyway. She was convinced what she said was completely harmless, and she could never tell how bad Louis was hurting whenever she spoke.

Louis was not in the mood to let himself be brought down though. All this time spent with Harry showing him his worth had given him enough confidence and self respect to realize he didn’t have to be belittled by anyone. He didn’t have to be ashamed of who he was, and him being happy should be enough of a reason to not let anyone think badly of him.

That’s why, when he opens his mouth to talk back, it’s with all the confidence in the world, not caring where that’d lead them.

“I’ll bring my boyfriend then.” He looks up with a challenging look, making Lottie’s jaw drop and his mom freeze.

“What ?” Jay frowns, as if she didn’t hear him right.

“I said I’ll bring my boyfriend.” He articulates every word as if she’s deaf.

“You’re dating a guy ?!” Lottie asks in shock, but looks more surprised than revolted.

“His name’s Harry. We’ve been together for a couple of months now, and he’s amazing. You could meet him, you know ?” Louis talks as if his mom is not trembling. “He loves flowers. You could talk about it. Will you finish your greens or can I take them ?”

Louis is completely ignoring his mom’s reaction, pretending nothing he said was out of character. He stretches his arm to pick on a few of her green beans, and keeps sipping at his water.

“Are you gay ? Or just trying out ?” Lottie asks, chuckling at the sight of her mom who looks petrified.

“Oh no, definitely gay. Now I’ve seen what it’s like to be with a guy, I don’t even understand how I thought I was into girls to be honest.” Louis explains, enjoying how his mom looks. It’s like she’s just learned he dropped out of college. And that thought brings him to another topic. “Oh, by the way, I quit the internship.” Telling her the real reason might kill her and he’s not going that far, even though he could blame it on the food and get a free meal. He has a heart.

“What ? When ?” Lottie asks, munching on Louis’ leftover pizza.

“A while ago. I feel less stressed out though. And I could always find a new one when I’m ready. I’ll probably look for a paid job for the summer instead.”

“You two stop.” Jay can suddenly speak again. “What is wrong with you Louis ? Have you been taking your medication ? Did you see the doctor ? What about the therapist ? He probably said it was just a phase, right ? And I’ll call Nicki to get you back in the firm.”

She was just not getting it. Or she didn’t want to. She couldn’t bear not controlling him and moulding her son as she liked.

“No, don’t call her. And I’m fine. I’ve been doing really well. Harry helps a lot.”

“He clearly got into your head. Did he say you should stop taking your pills and stop seeing professionals so he could take control over you ?!”

“No mom, that’s your job.” Louis throws like a needle and gives up trying to enjoy the rest of his meal with Lottie.

 

"If your dad was still here he'd be so disappointed…" She sighs.

_Ouch._

“I’ll go pay at the counter.” Louis stands up and walks to the waiter even though he could make him come to the table. He can feel his eyes flooded with tears of rage, but the man in front of him doesn't notice so he can pretend eh's not crumbling inside.

When he comes back, his sister is trying to talk to Jay, probably trying to contain her anger. Louis had been keeping so much from her, it’s like she was discovering someone new. Louis was as well to be honest, but he didn’t have much of a problem with it most of the time.

Yes he still struggled adjusting sometimes and not everyday was great even when Harry’s with him. He still forces the bad thoughts to come back when in doubt and he still doesn’t get what’s happening in his life lately, but he doesn’t blame himself for every little thing, and he found out breathing and letting life go without overthinking makes his day a lot better and worth living.

He didn’t even think about killing himself. It’d usually occupy his every thought, but now that dying meant giving up on all the good things going on, he was learning to cope with the few bad things. 

Harry let him talk about his dad, about his dog, about everything he felt like sharing, and always made sure to comfort him in every way possible.

They go back to Louis’ flat with his mom being far from her chatty self, distant and taciturn as her children laugh loud and talk about university.

“I can’t believe you’re dating a guy.” Lottie mumbles when she falls on Louis’ bed, playing with his stuffed animal. “Is he cute ? You have a photo ?”

“He hates pictures, so no.” Louis shrugs. “But yeah…he’s cute.” Louis bites his lip, blushing as he speaks.

“I wanna see him !” Lottie whines. “Can’t you call him and tell him to come over ? Or we can go see him ? Since mom would probably kill him…” She laughs.

“I could make that work…He’s not very social though. He gets a bit awkward when he meets someone new.”

“Is he like…shy ?”

“I wouldn’t say shy. He’s very funny and confident, a bit of a show off, just not with everyone. But I think you’d like him. He’d definitely like you anyway.” Louis smiles and sits on the bed next to his sister’s legs, making her lift them to rest on her brother’s.

“How did you meet ? And how did you become a thing ? And how was the first kiss ? And have you-“

“Oh oh ! Slow down !” Louis brings his hand on his sister’s face to make her stop, pinching her lips together.

“We met in uni.” He’s definitely not telling her he met him when he tried to kill himself. “He asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend on the belated Halloween night, the first kiss was unreal, and you don’t need to know anything else, missy !”

He lets go of her lips, thankfully make up free, and smiles when she just grins, sincerely thrilled for him.

“You look happy you know…” She murmurs, as if it’s a secret.

“I feel like I am.” Louis nods. He doesn’t know what happiness is, but he has a feeling he’s getting closer to it everyday.

“I’ll make sure mom doesn’t ruin that.” Lottie promises, even though it should be Louis protecting her given that he’s two years older than her. But it barely counts. They’ve always been more twins than anything. She’s very mature and they share the same brain, so he’s just thankful.

“Wow. How tall is he ?” She asks, looking beyond Louis’ shoulder. The latter turns to see Harry left his leather boots behind his door, right next to Louis’ blue Adidas sneakers.

“About six feet something probably.” Louis shrugs, trying not to show how exciting that is. He’s not a teenage girl talking about her crush. But he sort of likes everything about that boy a bit too much and would definitely talk about it if someone was willing to listen.

“Fuck. We have to hang out with him. Mom needed to see a friend anyway. Tell Harry to join us after your class or something.”

Louis agrees and lets her ask a million questions about Harry, glad to answer every single one of them. They keep chatting in his bed until they can no longer keep their eyes open and eventually fall asleep, just the way they used to when Louis was still home.

 

 

****

 

 

“You know, I could sneak in when your mom’s asleep and leave before she wakes up…no one has to know…” Harry whines as he sucks on Louis’ neck, hands under his shirt on his back.

“You can never be quiet though. She’ll know there’s someone.”

“I reckon you’re the loud one, not me. Please ! I wanna sleep with you. The mansion is too empty now !” Harry pouts and doesn’t move when Louis kisses his curled lips.

“She’d lose her mind. I already came out to her, I can’t traumatize her !”

“How though ? I’m not planning on doing anything wrong, especially with your younger sister around. I’ll even try not to touch your bum all the time ! Promise !” Harry is grinning, making Louis smile for no reason as well.

Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s neck and lets him lift him up on the small suspended bench in the narrow corner of the university walls. Louis had never been there and wondered if spiders could show up, but he really couldn’t care less.

He pulls Harry closer, spreading his legs a bit more to let him in, clinging to him as they keep kissing eagerly, breathless as they hit the wall behind them every time they move. And it really felt like they were horny teenagers hiding from their parents or something.

“You smell like…me ?” Harry chuckles.

“All of my shirts were dirty.”

Harry pulls back a bit to realize Louis’ actually wearing one of his many many black tee-shirts, looking slightly bigger on him, but making him look extremely handsome and clean cut, tight black jeans and blue sneakers making up a casual yet stylish outfit, topped with Louis’ quiff and shaved face.

“You don’t need an excuse to wear my clothes, baby.” Harry giggles. “I like them on you.”

Louis smiles and kisses Harry even harder, wondering why they’re not somewhere private so he could enjoy more than Harry’s shirt on him.

Louis’ phone buzzes in his front pocket, making Harry curse and grab his crotch whilst Louis bursts in laughter.

“My sister’s here. You comin’ ?” Louis hops off the wall and adjusts his jeans before stepping out.

“Um…yeah…just…just a sec…” Harry is whimpering, holding on his crotch still, voice choked.

Louis frowns and walks back to rub his back but it only makes him take a step away.

“What’s wrong ?”

“That bloody phone got me a bit stuck.” Harry huffs, visibly focusing on something that’d make his jeans more comfortable.

Louis tries to hold it but he still laughs and slaps Harry’s bum, waiting outside until he gets soft again.

“The library is bigger that it looked on the catalogue ! That’s mental.” Lottie says when she joins her brother. “Where’s Harry ?”

“Um…”

“I’m here !” Harry appears behind Louis and gives her his hand, but Louis’ sister gives him a hug instead and he looks a bit stiff and already panicky.

“I’m Lottie. Nice to meet you !” She smiles when she lets him breathe.

“I’m Harry.”

“Can we go get some coffee ? I could really use some right now.” Lottie suggests and they all start walking to the nearest coffee shop.

Harry stays glued to Louis the whole time, extremely quiet, biting one index and keeping the other one hooked in Louis’ back pocket.

They choose a table and Harry is still not letting go of Louis, making him sit close enough to fit two more people on their side of the booth.

Louis had been struggling to convince him to meet at least his sister. He seemed incredibly reluctant to the idea so Louis didn’t push. He must’ve sensed Louis was taking it the wrong way though, so he accepted to see her two days before they left to go back to Doncaster.

Lottie and Louis chat about her day visiting the buildings and the people she met. They talk about their mom being with her friends in the city, and all this time Harry’s just been leaning back into his seat and discretely stroking Louis’ back under his shirt.

“What about you Harry ? “ Lottie apparently brings him back from his daydreaming.

“Hm ?”

“What does your mom do ?” Louis’ sister asks again, making Louis turn to hear the answer. They never really talked about his family. He always changed the subject or kiss Louis and then he just forgot.

“She’s an English teacher.”

“And your dad ?”

“Um…accountant.” Harry says, voice low and shaky.

Louis mouths ‘you okay ?’ to which Harry nods, but he can feel him uneasy and he’s starting to blame himself for it. He strokes his thigh and leans to kiss him, feeling the tension lower with each touch.

“This is so weird.” Lottie mutters, making her brother stop immediately. “Oh sorry ! I don’t mean weird, I mean different, I mean…new. Yeah…new.”

“I’m sorry Miss, I just really like your brother.” Harry finally speaks, leaning on the table to trap Louis’ arm in his, resting his cheek on his hand.

“I can see that.” Lottie smiles. “But if you hurt him I’ll chase you down and ruin your life. Just so you know…”

Harry nods seriously and kisses Louis’ palm before sitting up again, wrapping his arm around Louis’ shoulders to pull him against his side.

“We should go. Mom will yell at us if we’re not back before her.” Louis sighs and slides off the booth, closely followed by Harry behind him, sneaking a hand in his. Louis was used to being the one needing a shell, but he had a feeling Harry needed him the same way right now.

“Come with us Harry !” Lottie takes his arm when he starts to leave. “Our mom will like you. She has no reason not to.”

“I’m not sure…” Harry shakes his head but is cut by the bus arriving.

“C’mon !” Lottie takes his hand anyway and Louis can’t really object when they’re already in the bus.

“Lou, this is not a good idea.” Harry tugs at Louis’ jacket in the street right before they get to his door.

“I know. But at least we’ll have tried, right ?”

“No. You don’t get it…I can’t meet your mom, Lou.” Harry stops walking, hiding his face in his hands. “I’d rather not.”

“Why ? I know she’s not used to it yet, but she’s too polite to kick you out. Plus, it’s my place, so it’s okay.” Louis surprisingly insists.

“No !” Harry shouts, almost scaring Louis who keeps it quiet. “Sorry…But I just…”

“Oh.” Louis is slowly understanding what he means.

It hadn’t really been a possibility in his head that maybe Harry wasn’t willing to meet his family. They were only dating for about two months after all, maybe it was too early. What the hell did he know about that ? He had never been in a relationship. He doesn’t know how things work, how fast they should go, and what should or should not happen yet.

“Is it going too fast ?” Louis frowns, sounding more hurt than he should.

“No, no but…Fuck, I don’t know !” Harry yells at himself, pulling at his hair as he walks in circles. “I shouldn’t…shit !”

“What ? Do you want to slow things down ? I’m sorry, I’m not used to this…” Louis looks down at his feet.

“I don’t know. I just…I like spending time with you. So much. And I can’t stop thinking about you baby, but I’m…I can’t…fuck !” Harry sounds more furious at himself than anything, and Louis just really wishes he knew why.

“You don’t have to meet her. I get it. I’d probably be as terrified to meet your parents anyway. Don’t worry about it.” Louis walks towards him and takes his hands to make him stop and look at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow after class ?”

“I’m so sorry. I really want to be with you and everything but-“

“It’s okay. You’re not ready, it’s fine.” Louis shrugs.

He’s actually relieved that Harry doesn’t want to meet his mom. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to be part of his life or that he doesn’t want it to be even more official. They haven’t been together for that long so it’s fine. It is. It’s all good. Nothing’s changed. They’re fine.

It’s just his mom though. Louis’ not asking him to marry him. His mom happens to be around and he said he wanted to come over even if she was there, so it just made sense to meet her. He was extremely cold with Lottie most of the evening and kept hiding behind Louis’ back, trying to pretend he wasn’t even here or something, and Louis knew how that felt like.

He had had to almost drag him to hang out with with his friends and he understood the social anxiety. But you don’t go around talking to strangers on bridges when you’re afraid of interactions. You don’t follow random people you’d like to talk to just for the sake of it.

Louis knew what social anxiety was like. And Harry was just not like him. It was something else. But he still pretended that was the reason, because thinking about why he’d only feel comfortable around him and become a wall around anyone else was about as stressful as not knowing anyone in his life.

There was no way he didn’t have at least one friend. Just one. Even just a cousin or something. No one can just go around and have no one. He worked with other people, surely he would’ve met someone there. He also went to uni for a while, why did no one know about him or like him enough to keep in touch ?

But Louis doesn’t want to lose him. He doesn’t dare asking all these questions because he doesn’t want to scare Harry off and never have him show up at his door or after his classes. So he’d rather accept being the only person in his life if Harry gets to be in his.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah ? I’ll come pick you up.” Harry hugs him and kisses his neck before cupping his cheek to kiss his lips, making Louis forget every single question he had running through his mind a second ago. And how the hell did he always manage to do that ?

He kisses Louis one last time before pulling away, waving Lottie goodbye as he walks up the street.

“What happened ?” Lottie asks.

“I have absolutely no idea.”

 

 

*****

 

 

Louis would normally be asleep by now.

His mom and his sister are in the room not too far from him, remote from the rest of the flat, but still there; so he’s not technically by himself. He should be falling asleep easily, should only need the thought of someone being there to close his eyes. But he can’t.

He can’t stop his brain from going off about Harry. He was starting to think this boy wanted this even more than him, and he suddenly took a step back, as if the reality was far less ideal than the thought of it.

_2:56 am_

“Shit.” Louis cursed, not because it was rather late, but because he hated being awake at three in the morning. He had heard so many stories of paranormal activities occurring at the sharp hour, that every time he even noticed the slightest noise, he’d be panting and imagining the worst things in his head.

Of course he knew it was just scary stories his older cousins used to tell him, Lottie and Fizzy when they were kids, scarring Louis more than anyone else.

He’d heard them all. From the white widowed appearing at a roundabout to push cars off course, in the hope of punishing the one who had ran her over at the exact time, to the woman who shall not be named in front of a mirror three times. Urban legends. Nothing but urban legends.

_2:58 am_

Everything’s fine. Louis’ safe and if there’s any sound, it’ll be coming from his sister and mom or the rain outside, not a freaking devilish unicorn.

He should probably stop watching so many horror movies knowing his imagination is in full glory near the hour. At this point he’s fighting his head not to repeat every phrase to summon supernatural creatures. And this is why he needs to go to bed before midnight.

He thinks about something else and breathes, relaxing a bit as he doesn’t notice anything abnormal. Until someone knocks on the door.

_3:00 am_

He’s about to die. That’s what he’s sure of anyway.

He makes sure it’s not just his heart scaring him, and gets up, grabbing a drumstick on his way. He doesn’t own a baseball bat because this is Bristol, not an American movie, and he had to be fast, so that was the next best thing.

He checks on his mom and sister fast asleep, and doesn’t dare turning the main light on and have a heart attack, so he only lights up the kitchen, dim light spreading to the living room.

There are still knocks on the door, so he takes a deep breath, tighten his grip around his biggest drumstick, and angles his eyes in the peephole, panting a bit because who knows what might appear behind that door at this hour.

Unfortunately for him, there’s nothing. Not because no one’s banging on the door, but because who ever – or whatever – is behind it didn’t bother turning the hallway light on, leaving the view in the peephole completely pitch black.

Louis takes a step back and bites his lip, wondering if he should wake his mom to take care of that. Because he really isn’t a superhero and has no intention of becoming one right now.

“Louis !” Louis drops his stick when he hears Harry’s voice.

“Oh thank God !” He groans and opens the door.

Harry quickly closes the door behind them and locks it every way he can, turning the key three times and fidgeting with every lock on the wall. He’s shaking, dripping wet, and Louis’ pretty sure his eyes are red.

“What the fuck ?” Louis whispers, suddenly unwilling to wake up anyone.

Harry doesn’t answer and looks for something around the room, walking fast like a madman. He takes off his leather jacket and drops it on the floor to make his search easier.

Louis checks the peephole again whilst Harry’s doing god knows what, trying to see if someone’s chasing him or something, because that’s what it looks like.

“Care to explain ?” He asks when he walks to him, still panicking out of his mind, shuddering at any noise coming from outside. “What are you looking for ?”

Louis jumps right after he finishes his question. His door is banging again, and he’s now sure to pass out. He runs to the guest room because there’s just so much you can take without calling your mom, but he’s tackled by Harry in the hallway.

“What the f-“ He can’t finish that. Harry has wrapped his hand around his face to keep him mute. They’re on the floor, and Harry’s keeping Louis tight against him to not let him move.

“Wait.” He whispers.

A few minutes pass like this. Louis is half scared - because why wouldn’t he be ? - and half sure Harry’s just finding shelter and running away from someone for whatever reason.

When he lets him go, Louis stands up and kicks him in the stomach before walking to his room and waiting for him to join to close the door.

“I’m sorry. I just…I didn’t know what else to do ! I thought I was gonna…I’m so sorry !” Harry is almost crying, walking back and forth.

“What was that ?!” Louis scream whispers – yes that’s a thing – and grabs his tablets of Abilify in his drawer.

“Someone was after me…I didn’t know where to go, I shouldn’t have brought it- him here, but I was too fucking scared alone !” Harry says with a shaky voice before sitting down on the bed, holding his face in his trembling hands.

“Who was it ?” Louis asks, coming next to him to rub his back and calm him down even when he’s the one about to faint.

Harry sniffles and looks up to face Louis with watery eyes, emeralds dark and lacking life, far form the vivid look he usually has. He leans closer to kiss him as if he’d make everything better, and Louis lets him because he looked scared to death and if a kiss can calm him down, then be it.

“Can I stay here tonight ?” Harry asks, resting his forehead against Louis’.

“Of course. But you have to tell me what happened. I can’t let you keep so much and get in trouble like that.”

Harry nods and lets Louis lock the door as he kicks off his boots and undresses to his boxers to slip under the covers, hair still damp from the rain.

Louis joins him and tangles their feet together, resting on one side to listen to his explanation, wiping the few tears on the boy’s face with his thumb.

“I’m listening.”

“Promise me you won’t freak out.” Harry sighs.

“I can’t promise anything. Speak up.”

“Louis !” Harry insists, so Louis rolls his eyes and nods.

“Okay, fine ! I promise I won’t. Now tell me who was chasing you at three in the morning.”

“I didn’t do my job right.” Harry starts. “And he’s trying to punish me for it.”

“Okay, surely it sucks to not save everyone who calls, but that’s not your fault…How is that punishable ?”

Harry bites his bottom lip and squints, and Louis has the feeling he’s far from knowing anything again.

“I…I transgressed a fundamental rule.”

“Like what ? Hanging up on someone ? Hazza, I get that you don’t want to share personal details about the people who call, but was one of them looking for you ?”

Harry frowns but nods, looking up at Louis with his polished green stones back in place. He takes Louis’ neck to pull him closer, and keeps their faces together, trying to make Louis forget his questions just like every time.

The latter pulls away though, because there’s a thin line between being comprehensive, and being plain naive.

“I want you to tell me Harry. I promise I won’t get mad, but you have to at least tell me. I hate secrets like that. I’ve had to carry enough on my own, I can’t obsess over more.”

Harry’s lips are shaking as he closes his eyes to shed a tear, and Louis has the feeling this goes far beyond his inability to stick to a job’s guidelines. He lets him take his hand and kiss his palm, bringing it to his heart.

Louis doesn’t really feel it beating so he’s a bit confused as to why he’s currently touching that boy’s chest, but Harry breathes in anyway and opens his eyes to look straight into his, with all the honesty in the world.

“I fell in love with you.” Harry whispers.

Louis’ breathing are cut, his heart isn't functioning for a second as well, the world stops spinning, time has slowed down, and he can’t help opening his mouth, ready to say something, but not sure what.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. But I had to tell you.”

Harry brings Louis’ hand on his wet cheek and closes his eyes as if to enjoy his touch, and doesn’t seem to mind Louis staying with his mouth agape.

How is that in relation to running away in the middle of the night ? No clue. But it still feels like it’s the most sincere Harry’s ever been, so maybe that question could wait. But on the other hand, why would loving Louis get Harry in trouble ? Did he have another guy he met through the job that found out about Louis and got mad ? Was Louis even safe ? Also, should he say it back before knowing all of that or after ?

Louis crawls closer to him and wraps a leg around his waist, making Harry open his eyes again. He takes Harry’s chin in his hand and gently pushes down, taking Harry’s upper lip between both of his to kiss him.

He lets Harry rests his hand on the small of his back and sway his hips to make Louis lay down on his back, deepening their kiss as he positions himself on top of him, slowly sliding between his legs and leaning on both elbows on each side of Louis’ head.

Louis is a bit lost from there, and can’t seem to find enough strength to stop when Harry takes his shirt off to kiss his torso. He takes it almost too slow, leaving kisses all along Louis’ collarbones, teasing his nipples with the tip of his tongue, and dragging his lips all the way down to the waistband of his boxers before coming back up and kissing his lips again.

He then buries his head in the crook of Louis’ neck to suck on it, spending a while on a bruise. He knows Louis secretly loves the pain that comes from it. He loves it when Harry marks him, and he would lie if he said Harry’s fingers digging into his hips didn’t make it even better.

What risky job ? What even is a fundamental rule ? There’s nothing that matters but Harry’s tongue on his neck.

“I so wish I could fuck you right now…” Harry says through his teeth. And that shouldn’t make Louis lose it like that. The best part was knowing how gentle and caring Harry could be, but how well he knew that Louis liked to be talked like that sometimes, how he loved being rough and blunt when his body was craving him.

He takes hold of Harry’s lips and nibbles at the bottom one, keeping it between his teeth as he drags his hands to Harry’s arse under the fabric of his boxers. The boy is grinding on him in his hands and the mess of tongues is deafening, breaths noisily fighting against each other in their mouths.

“I need these off.” Harry groans, pulling at Louis’ bottoms.

Louis rushes to undress, lying stark naked under Harry who licks his lips with hungry eyes before taking his own boxers off and slowly lying back down on Louis who can now feel him entirely, hard cock brushing against his stomach.

Harry goes back to kissing him, moving his hips between Louis’ legs, thrusting on his torso as Louis drags his fingers in his back, almost scratching with his nails every time he rocks forward.

“Do something. Please.” Louis begs, unable to handle how overwhelming this is.

“I can’t do anything that won’t wake up the whole building.” Harry breathes and shakes his head, going back to Louis’ neck as he thrusts against him as if he was inside of him already.

Louis figures he can’t do that. It was something to tell his mom he was dating a guy, making her listen to them would be a bit too much for her heart. He was never very quiet with Harry when they did anything, so having his cock for the first time inside of him would probably be the epitome of being loud.

So they just keep swallowing each other the best way they can.

Harry slips one hand between them after licking his palm, and starts stroking Louis’ erection, quickly bumping into his own. Louis will probably spend the next years thanking God for sculpting Harry’s hands, because the fact that he can take both of them in one hand is just ridiculous.

He rubs them against each other and jerks Louis off and himself at the same time, and Louis really doesn’t need to know how he manages to do that so well without a lot of practice.

Louis’ moans are starting to intensify, so Harry kisses him to shut him up. It’s just two open mouths and they’re making even more noises whimpering in each other’s faces, but that was just unpredictable so they cannot be blamed.

“ _Uh_ … _mmh_ …sh-“ Louis mumbles as Harry speeds up and groans a few ‘ _oh_ ’ and ‘ _ouh_ ’, making the both of them come between their torsos, cum blended as they fight a choked scream moan kind of disaster.

Louis lets Harry fall on his chest, because he’s just too tired to care about how gross they are with this much sweat and cum all over his clean sheets and themselves. He wouldn’t mind doing that over and over again if he’s being honest. Being messy wasn’t that bad right now.

He doesn’t think about what started this until they’re both in the bathroom, sharing a much deserved shower. It’s nearly five in the morning and his mom could wake up any minute now, but the door is locked and it’d be worse if she caught them covered with dried cum in the morning.

“I sort of have a stalker who learnt about you. He said he’d make me pay if I chose to be with you and not help him anymore. I didn’t respect the ‘never give personal information to the callers’ rule, but he didn’t sound dangerous or anything, just lost. I didn’t know he’d make me pay like that…” Harry explains as he combs Louis’ hair facing the mirror, having fun trying every possible hairstyle.

“Why don’t you report him ?”

“It’s not that simple. I sort of owe him since he helped me when I needed. But he thinks I should be his slave because of it, and I don’t have anyone to protect me from him and keep him away, so I just don’t fight him.” 

“What does he have on you ?” Louis tries even though he knows Harry would’ve told him already if he wanted him to know.

“Let’s just say he kept me away from a bad place in exchange of a few favours. I was desperate, so I agreed. But he’s been making me pay ever since.”

Louis turns around when Harry has created a perfect quiff, and wraps his arms around his waist.

“You have us now though.”

“Us ?”

“Me, Niall, Liam…They care about you. They’d do for you what they’d do for me. So you don’t have to let that stalker scare you. We can take him.” Louis lifts his fists as if to fight him, making Harry giggle at the angry baby lion in front of him.

“Really ?” He keeps laughing, letting Louis playfully punch him to show off his boxing skills.

“Liam can anyway.” Louis chuckles and Harry laughs, quickly slapping himself trying to stop the loud cackle he just let out. Louis laughs even louder, and gives him clean underwear so they can go back to his room.

Louis changes the sheets while Harry’s falling asleep standing up, and makes sure to set his alarm before they tuck themselves into bed, becoming one body as they cling to each other under the blanket, trying to warm each other.

It doesn’t feel like he slept at all when he opens his eyes because of the birds singing at his window. Harry is in his arms, being the little spoon for once even though is bigger than Louis, and the latter just really wishes he didn’t have class today.

He gently slides his arm away under Harry’s and climbs off the bed to get his phone.

“Shit !” He’s overslept and is now five minutes from his first lecture. There’s no time for a shower so it’s a good thing he took one four hours ago. He sprints around the room to get dressed and writes a note to put under Harry’s cheek.

He opens the door and runs to the living room, and screams when his mom calls for him. He had completely forgotten about that tiny detail.

“Morning ! I’m late !” He shouts before jogging back to his room to close the door, not wanting his mom to find a boy in his bed when he went to sleep alone the night before. She’d hopefully leave with Lottie before Harry even wakes up anyway.

He makes it before the teacher who’s also running late, and that’s just luck right there.

“Rough night ?” Niall laughs when Louis drops in the seat next to him. Liam leans closer to listen to the conversation, of course, and Louis hasn’t slept enough to talk.

“Yes.” He nods and curses when he realizes he left his laptop on his desk.

“And you said buying a notepad in case of emergency was dumb !” Liam says proudly, handing the notebook to his friend with a pen.

“What happened ? Did Harry spend the night or something ?” Niall is joking but gasps when Louis doesn’t deny it.

“I thought your mom and Lottie were there ?” Liam widens his eyes, tugging at Niall’s plaid shirt. Niall slaps his hand to get him off and goes back to Louis.

“Did you fuck him with your mom right across your room ?!” Niall shakes his head in disbelief.

“No ! Of course not. But we talked…and stuff…so I only got about three or four hours of sleep.” Louis sighs.

“Yeah right, I didn’t know talking got you fucking bruises like that !” Niall laughs and touches Louis’ neck, making him wince. “That’s some violent talk !”

Liam laughs with him and they’re basically choking on laughter as the lecture starts, turning red and making everyone turn to make them quiet even if they’re crying in their seat.

“Maybe Harry’s the one to fuck you then…” Liam chuckles, high pitched giggles making his eyes crinkle and Niall squeak repeatedly as he tries to breathe in vain.

“You’re idiots.” Louis rolls his eyes and lifts his hoodie to conceal Harry’s marks.

The room gets quiet so Louis starts to take notes, even though Niall and Liam are just too busy learning how to breathe again to care.

They walk out to their next class and bump into Zayn, and Louis does as usual and pretends he just doesn’t exist.

“He misses you, you know…” Niall says with a weak voice as they walk. Louis shrugs, even though he does miss him as well. They shared interests Louis didn’t have with anyone else, and he could admit not being around him as often felt like something important was missing. He didn’t even know Zayn mattered this much.

“If he did, he’d apologize.” Louis looks down and thinks about how they stopped talking. “Did he even tell you why he hates Harry so much?” He asks Niall.

“No. I asked but he said he wanted to talk to you first before spreading false accusations blah blah blah…”

“You could just listen to him and then show him he’s wrong ?” Liam advises. Damn Payno and his wise mind.

“I guess…” Louis considers. It wouldn’t hurt just hearing him out and then nicely show him how wrong he is. He loved being right, so it would be more fun than torture really. “I’ll text him.”

They go on with the lectures and practically crawl in the hallway after the last class that ended at nine at night.

_Ah the perks of choosing extra classes…_

“Hello beautiful.” Harry joins them and kisses Louis cheek before half hugging his friends.

“Harry ! You have to show us your place ! I want to see Amelia !” Niall says excitedly. Louis had told him about the time he nearly died from his paranoia. He did not mention how he got over it, but he did raise Niall’s curiosity.

“Um…I don’t know…I don’t want you to be scared.” Harry looks genuinely concerned. And what was that supposed to mean ? He had no problem throwing Louis in there without so much as a warning !

“What about me ?” Louis frowned.

“I already told you, I didn’t know you’d freak out !” Harry defends himself and Louis lets out a sassy “hm!” and pouts.

“I’m not into ghosts but I’ve always wanted to visit that house. I sometimes walk in front of it to see my sister and there’re so many stories about it, it’d be sick to see it for myself !” Liam adds.

“Alright. Not tonight though. I haven’t seen this one for the whole day, you wouldn’t like seeing me making up for it !” Harry chuckles and Liam and Niall both look at each other, flashback of the morning giggles surfacing.

“No we would not.” Liam squeals, holding his stomach.

“You’re so stupid.” Louis shakes his head in despair.

“Fuck ! I’m crying !” Niall sighs.

“We’ll let you have him this time bro. Don’t break him though !” Liam winks.

“What ?” Harry asks, oblivious.

“They saw what you did to my neck.” Louis tells him, flipping his friends off.

“Oh.”

“Great job !” Niall shakes Harry’s hand to congratulate him for sucking at Louis’ skin this hard.

“Um…thank you ?” Harry almost laughs. “I promise I wouldn’t do that if he didn’t have a light pain kink.”

“Oh my God ! Harry !” Louis punches him and hides in his hands. That was just way too much information. False information. Just because he liked having bites and bruises, and enjoyed rough thrusts against him or being pushed against a wall, and would have handled more of Harry in him, and…wait what was the point again ?

Oh yeah, no pain kink to be mentioned in front of his friends.

Liam and Niall don’t seem to mind though, still suffocating and squeaking like hyenas.

_Fucking great._

“Can we go before you tell them more ?” Louis asks, embarrassed, pulling at Harry’s jacket to make him move to the bus stop.

“It’s okay Harry, we’ll talk when he’s not there !” Niall yells as they disappear in the distance.

They only wait for about ten minutes, doing nothing but kissing the whole time. They’d have enough time to talk in that bus anyway.

They step in and walk to the back and Louis sits on Harry’s lap because it has apparently became his designated seat. He wraps an arm around his neck and waits to hear about his day.

“Your mom and sister were already gone when I woke up. I stayed at your flat for a while to be honest. I just made up tones of excuses, getting ready to face them if they arrived unannounced or something.” Harry smiles.

“You can stay tonight as well if you want. I know you don’t want to meet my mom, but I’d rather you stay safe with us.”

Harry fixes Louis in silence, smirking before kissing his cheek.

“What ?” Louis giggles.

“Why are you so good to me ?”

“I don’t know. Must be your curls.” Louis coos, lifting and dropping a lock of Harry’s hair. “Or your smell.”

“I love you.” Harry murmurs before kissing him on the lips.

Louis opens his mouth just like he tried to the night before, but he’s cut by someone.

“Harry ?” A young girl – probably their age – calls for the boy. “Harry Styles ?”

“Excuse me ?” Harry looks a bit tensed but keeps Louis on his lap.

“Becky ! We were in year twelve together ! Don’t tell me you forgot, you still owe me an entire pack of pencils !” The short redhead sits down next to them and Louis wonders if he should get his own seat.

“Um…oh…yeah !” Harry looks like he’d recognized her all along, but still acts surprised as he kisses her cheek.

“Hi ! I’m Rebecca. But most people call me Becky.” The girl gives Louis her hand to shake. He does and smiles politely.

“Louis.”

“This is crazy. I haven’t heard from you since you left Holmes Chapel, mate !” She says. Louis didn’t even know Harry wasn’t from Bristol. His posh accent should have been a hint, but talking about his background was exhaustingly difficult. “How have you been ?”

“Good, good. You ?” Way to catch up on over four years… 

“I’m visiting a friend. Are you visiting your dad ?” And now Louis is very willing to let that girl chat with Harry all night with him on his lap to not miss one bit.

“Um…yeah…then I got a job and stuff, so I sort of stayed.”

“Oh, okay. I heard you graduated last year, congrats ! I’m so behind…” She whines. “I had to start over since I thought travelling the world after high school was a good idea.”

They keep chatting about the girl’s life and Harry keeps surfing over his. He doesn’t even mention anything remotely detailed, and Louis’ starting to think he’s just this secretive with everyone. But also, it clearly proves he can in fact have friends. She’s acting like she’s thrilled to see him again, as if she’d lost a great friend more than just a regular classmate. Was Harry just insecure about being liked ?

“I knew that was just a rumour.” She suddenly says. “The guys told me about it but I knew there was just no way. I wasn’t home and all, but I couldn’t believe it. I’m glad you’re alright.”

“What rumour ?” Louis frowns, unable to not ask.

“About him j-“

“Hey ! That’s our stop. It was great seeing you again Becky. Enjoy the stay.” Harry rushes, pulling Louis with him outside the bus, leaving his friend puzzled in the back of the bus.

“She seemed nice.” Louis remarks. “And you say you can’t make friends ! You used to be good at it obviously.”

“That was a long time ago.” Harry shrugs.

“Also, you graduated already ? I thought you were kicked out ?”

“I was starting my Master degree. I got the bachelor last year.”

“Oh...” Louis figures he might have just skipped a class when he was younger.

“Are you hungry ?” Harry asks when Louis goes to say something else. He wanted to know more about him growing up in Cheshire and not Bristol and about his dad, but he did feel a bit empty.

“I think my mom made lasagne today.”

Louis doesn’t have to say more for Harry to run to the flat and fly up the stairs, hopping on the spot waiting for Louis to open the door.

The flat is dark so Louis figures his mom and sister already went to sleep, so he puts their jacket and hoodie on the coat rack and waits for Harry to take off his shoes before jumping in his arms, glad he’s this strong to hold him effortlessly by his bum.

Harry walks them to the kitchen while they kiss sloppily, not holding back one bit, giggling when they bump into a lamp.

The lights are suddenly on, and Harry lets go of Louis’ bum, making him climb off, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, blushing.

Louis turns to see his mom who must’ve fallen asleep on the couch, and neither of them dare talking.

“Harry I suppose ?” She asks, walking to shake his hand. “I’m Johannah, Louis’ mother.”

“Um…hello…” He says nervously and nearly misses her hand, very aware that it was previously massaging her son’s arse.

“We were gonna…eat…You made lasagne right ?” Louis tries to sound relaxed, and fails.

“Yes. It’s still in the oven.” She scowls, making Harry feel like he shouldn’t be here.

The latter gulps and watches as Jay walks to her room, leaving them still frozen.

They should be discrete and maybe stay extra careful and quiet, but instead they look at each other and laugh in silence, dying trying not to make any sound come out. They’re even more red than before and don’t stop giggling until Louis closes the kitchen door and gets the plate of lasagne on the table.

“That was so awkward, worst first impression ever.” Harry sighs.

“It could’ve been worse.” Louis tries to comfort him.

“I had my hands on your bum and my tongue in your mouth, no mother wants to see that !”

“Who cares…s’not like she can banish you from here or something. She’ll forget about it after a while, don’t worry.”

They finish their plate and share a lemon sorbet playing footsie under the table, and Louis stores the leftovers in the fridge while Harry does the dishes. He’s put his hair in a high bun and Louis just watches him clean everything, admiring his back, as one should in such situation.

“I really can’t wait for them to leave.” Louis mutters.

“Hmm ?”

“My mom and sister.”

“Why ? You don’t like spending time with them ?” Harry asks, not turning around as he scrubs every little stain on everything that’s in the sink.

“I do feel judged and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my mom…but that’s not what I meant.”

Louis had been in classes most of the day so didn’t get to stay much with the two members of his family visiting, and he didn’t complain. His mom didn’t talk much to him, as if she was scared to find out anything more about him, and Lottie was glued to her phone with Freddie.

But that’s just not why Louis wanted them away.

“What did you mean then ?” Harry gets the tap and dries his hands off before pulling Louis from his chair to lead them to his bedroom.

“I just like being on my own…with you.” Louis shrugs.

They both take off their clothes and Louis chooses his blue pyjama bottoms as Harry steps out of his boxers like it doesn’t make Louis internally gasp, and steps into grey sweatpants, rubbing his full tummy as the pants hang way too low on his hips, almost exposing everything Louis would rather not think about when his mom already caught them in the entrance.

“Oh. So you’re just looking forward to me fucking you then ?” Harry giggles.

Louis throws a pillow at him, which he catches, and lets him lay down on top of him between his legs, folding his hands on his chest to look up at him properly. Louis tucks a wild curl back in the bun and gets rid of a tiny leaf that somehow landed in his hair.

“I’ve never had…like…” Louis starts.

“I know.”

“Have you ?”

Harry nods and smiles, as if to reassure Louis it’s worth it. He’s never done anything with a guy, up until Harry, so this many firsts were becoming a lot to handle. He didn’t want to be all disappointment for him who probably had enough experience.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.” Harry says very seriously.

“It’s not that I don’t _want_ to. I do. I think I do.” Louis sighs. “But I don’t want it to suck for you…”

“Are you kidding ?” Harry chuckles. “ You spread out for me and taking me like that ? No way. You drive me crazy just holding my hand baby. Don’t even stress about that.”

“You’re lying and being cheesy. But okay.” Louis blushes.

“I’m not though. I could spend every night doing nothing, just having you next to me, and it’d still be far better than everything I’ve ever done.”

Harry looks so honest Louis can’t keep his fond smile from splitting his face. This boy was just too good to be true. He made him feel safe and loved, and it just felt like the whole world could collapse and he still wouldn’t care, as long they get to be together.

He loves spending time with him, loves listening to him talk about what he likes and even what pisses him off. He loves the way he laughs and the way he makes him laugh, loves playing with his long hair and small ears, loves kissing him for hours even if it means not breathing for a while, loves feeling his hands always on him just to make sure he knows he’s there…

He loves everything about him, even his secrets, because it somehow makes it even better to know he could open up to him, discovering new parts of him even when he thought he knew everything.

He loves how gentle he is, how caring, how protective and how he makes sure Louis is comfortable with everything they do. He takes it slow and always checks on him, and Louis doesn’t have to say things he’s not comfortable saying out loud for Harry to understand what he means.

He just loves him really.

He falls too hard for him everyday they spend together, and he just really hopes he gets to tell him soon, but he also really doesn’t want to lose him. He always lost everything the second he said how much he loved something or someone, and he really wasn’t willing to lose this boy.

So maybe that could wait.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is already being written and I'm way too excited to not share it once it's done, so be prepared !
> 
> All the love to you <3
> 
> x
> 
> Mel


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keep your lights on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there !
> 
> Here's to another chapter that got me freaking out in the middle of the night yay
> 
> I'm probably going to hell for this chapter for so many reasons but eh, at least I had fun :)
> 
> PS: do not worry about all your questions, they'll all be answered in the next two chapters ! I know where I'm going with this x)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one !
> 
> x
> 
> Mel

“Harry. If I don’t leave in ten minutes, I’m missing it.”

Louis has been struggling to get out of bed for the past twenty minutes. It could have been because he’s too tired or just not feeling facing the endless rain even though May just started. It also could have been because it’s the first class of the last week before the break scheduled to study for the final exams.

But the only reason he’s still in bed is the six foot tall koala wrapped around him and not letting go.

“Can’t you stay ? Niall will give you his notes.” Harry whines, kissing Louis’ neck as he tries to escape his legs, only to be pulled backwards and fall on the mattress.

“He’s been getting drunk all weekend so he’s going to sleep, and Liam can’t write for more than half an hour without getting distracted. I’m the hope here !” Louis should be mad and fight, but he’s just giggling as he struggles to untangle himself from the human octopus.

“But you won’t be back before nine…How am I supposed to survive ?!” Harry rolls them over so Louis is now facing the wall, unable to reach the floor. He’s crying dramatically and Louis is laughing too much to wrestle.

“We haven’t been outside for two days, Hazza. And it’s the last week. When Friday comes I promise we’ll stay far from everyone.”

“Promise ?” Harry pouts in the crook of Louis’ neck.

“Yes.”

“Alright, fine.” Harry sighs and frees Louis, lying on his back to let him get ready.

Louis is not moving though. He grunts and sits up only to straddle Harry’s lap, making the latter giggle, holding his hands as they lean against each other, completely forgetting the previous argument. If that even was one.

“I’m gonna talk to Zayn today.” Louis announces as he lets go of Harry’s hands, steadying himself on his chest. Harry squeezes his thighs before stroking them, brushing his fingertips against Louis’ knees to listen more carefully. “I thought about texting or calling but I’m not sure he’ll answer.”

“You never even told me why you two stopped talking in the first place.”

Louis didn’t dare telling Harry one of his friends wanted him out of his life. He didn’t want him to think badly of Zayn because he was far from being a threat or a bad friend. Louis just needed to comfort him and prove he had got nothing to worry about.

“It’s complicated…but I do miss him.” Louis admits, looking down at his hands fidgeting with the waistband of Harry’s boxers.

Harry caresses his thighs as if to comfort him and lets him sigh, clearly understanding where Louis’ coming from.

“Shouldn’t you go ?” Harry asks after a long pause.

“What ?”

“For your class…”

“Oh fuck !”

  

*****

 

 

Louis arrives fifteen minutes late to his first class, sneaking in from the back door to join his friends toward the middle, thankful they always keep his spot for him. He gets a few looks when he gets his laptop out and says a hundred ‘sorry’ bumping into everyone to get to his row, but he’s doing rather well not dying from death stares.

“I see Harry’s still staying at yours…” Liam says, poking Louis’ neck.

“I have no comment to give.” Louis states, making Liam laugh. It wakes up Niall next to him, drooling on the hoodie he turned into a pillow.

“Hey mate !” He yawns and Louis ruffles his blond mess of hair, putting him back to sleep.

“Are we going to the fair this weekend ?” Liam asks, not caring if the lecture is currently reaching its peak.

“What fair ?” Louis frowns.

“Are you even in this world Tommo ?” Liam rolls his eyes.

Of course Louis wasn’t.

Why would he be in the normal world when he could be in the one he shares with Harry ?

As soon as his mom had left, not even looking at Harry or acknowledging the situation, they had been spending every night together, and every weekend locked in each other’s house, isolating from everything else.

They didn’t do much, mainly talked, watched the telly, read across from each other on the couch, legs intertwined. They didn’t break apart for one minute, and it’s possible they now shared the same saliva from kissing so much. And other things.

Louis had let Harry do whatever he wanted with him, except what he wanted the most. He wanted it to be special. He wasn’t the cheesy unrealistic romantic kind of guy, but he still needed it to involve at least no morning class the day after, no disturbing noises coming from ghosts, and no disrupting wall he was tired to bang his arm into when moving.

He also sort of feared not being good enough, not doing it right, not pleasing Harry enough, but that was just the tip of an iceberg of concerns.

Everything he ever felt when even just brushing against Harry’s skin was intensified. It’s like he could faint by just being in contact with this boy, as if his skin had magical properties, luring Louis into oblivion until he woke up panting and wondering how the hell something could feel this good. Good wasn’t even the right word. What was better than good ? What was better than perfect ? What was even more suitable than unreal to describe how Harry made him feel ?

So no, Louis wasn’t in the normal world anymore. He was in a sort of haven he had no will to get out of, like a peaceful kingdom that got him trapped in a garden full of flowers he wasn’t as indifferent toward, a garden he _genuinely_ didn’t mind watering.

Louis shrugs, because there’s no way he could explain how high he was on the little cloud of his.

“Instead of the annual party, the student committee decided to get everyone discount tickets to the local fair.” Liam explains. “Everyone’s going. You should bring Harry.”

“I do like their rollercoasters…” Louis purses his lips.

“Me too ! We’re going then ?” Liam grins, full of hope.

“I guess so…” Louis smiles.

“ _I can hear someone talk and I can hear myself talk. One of us is gonna have to shut up_.” The professor scolds and Louis hides behind his laptop as Liam giggles, making Niall jump and shout from his sleep, taking the blame as his friends burst in laughter.

The day go by with the same routine, three hour classes followed by an hour break until they have their final hour of workshop and walk out, breathing in the fresh air after being confined in a building the entire day.

Louis had planned on seeing Zayn, but the latter was busy working at the library for exams he had to take the entire week, so he figured he might as well just talk to him at the fair.

He walks to the bus stop and shivers, the night abnormally cold and humid for the start of spring. He only went for his blue and grey oversized Adidas jacket and his skinny black jeans, exposing a bit of skin with his black and white sneakers coming under his ankles. And maybe wearing those furry socks Harry had recommended would have come in handy right now.

He blows air into his cupped hands to warm up, shaking when a heavy breeze pushes him from a few steps. He cusses and tries to make out the upcoming bus in the fog. And why the hell is there fog at this time of the year again ?

He quickly climbs in it, groaning happily when he feels the heat take away his goosebumps.

The bus is completely empty, except for one person. There's a man dressed in all black, collar of his pea coat hiding his face. He’s looking at the window, and the darkness of the night doesn’t help to see him properly.

Louis glances at him briefly before choosing a seat not too far from the exit. He usually goes home with Harry, but the latter had made him promise to not ask any questions and just join him at the mansion this time, saying he had to “take care of something”. Louis wasn’t sure what that meant and obviously had tons of questions rushing to his brain, but then Harry was pouting and licking his neck like a cat and enveloping him, so he got a bit distracted. He wasn’t weak, but Harry’s tongue was not to be fought.

“Excuse me, is that seat taken ?” The man previously sat next to the window asks. Louis looks away from his own window to frown. The bus is still empty and the man’s former seat is still there and well.

He would have said something sarcastic like “yes, don’t you see my imaginary friend I’m chatting with ?” or, “no it’s empty, just like every other seat away from me…” but he’s polite and would very much like to go back to his daydreaming.

“No.”

The man settles next to him with a loud sigh, taking up too much space for someone who could sit literally everywhere right now.

"Student ?” He asks Louis.

Of course that man just needed company. But Louis hated small talk with people he’d never see again. It was unnecessary, draining and extremely frustrating to pretend he gave a shit about this guy’s life when he had no clue what his secretive boyfriend had in mind.

“Yes.” Louis said and looked back at the window, watching the pavement pass through, empty streets and dim lights in the fog and rainy weather giving the perfect atmosphere for a nocturnal slaughter.

He crawls closer to the window.

“James.” The man smiles, by the sound of it.

Louis watches his reflection to see him fix his shiny black hair, painfully tucked into a tight ponytail, and stays silent, trying to make the guy understand that he will not make a new friend tonight.

“You live around here ?” He insists even though Louis’ staying quiet, heart starting to beat faster and echo in his mouth with the slight anxiety creeping up.

The man suddenly chuckles, making Louis squint and mentally insult Harry for not having a damn phone.

“Broken souls shouldn’t wander alone at night…” The stranger murmurs.

Yes, Louis is indeed going out of breath. He gulps, shifting in his seat, wondering if the bus driver would have the time to walk all the way to him if he screamed now.

When the bus stops moving, coming to the next destination, the man stands up and rubs his scruff before laughing, a dark and dry laugh straight out of a murderer’s inventory. He whistles a melody that has Louis nearly choke on his own saliva, something he’s definitely heard before…something he used to play himself on the piano.

He looks at the man jump out of the bus, waving him goodbye as the bus leaves.

He gets off two stops later, almost running to get into that bloody house he doesn’t recall ever moving into. His heart is killing him and he’s trying to figure out if he’s dreaming, if that’s just a nightmare or an hallucination, reaching out for the pills he always has on him in his backpack, hands shaking so much he can’t even open the bottle.

He gets upstairs and panics even more when he doesn’t see or hear Harry, not in shape for another prank.

“Harry ?” He calls anyway, but feels his throat burn.

“In here !” Harry shouts from a room two doors from “his”.

Louis walks further down the hall and opens the door, getting his breath taken away for a completely different reason.

The room is lit with several candles all around, far enough from him and anything he can touch so he doesn’t have to worry about being clumsy and setting the mansion on fire.

There are flowers scattered all over the floor, petals of all the plants Louis ever said he liked whenever Harry brought them at the flat. There’s the mattress of Harry’s large bed directly on the floor, neatly clothed with baby blue sheets Louis hasn’t seen before, a red velvet blanket flowing over them as delicately as the petals on the wooden floor.

On the right hand corner, a vintage record player is filling the room with a barely audible ballad, a man and his guitar singing soft words Louis could really relate to right now, because it does in fact feel like “the first day of his life”.

Harry is pinching his bottom lip, looking at Louis shyly with his awkward stance, dressed up in his sheer expensive shirt tucked in his black dress pants, hair coiffed to perfection, eyes even more glossy and sharp than usual.

He opted for glittery black boots coming to his ankles, and he looks like a quirky magician that could also take Louis apart if he stopped showing his cherub dimples.

Louis doesn’t really know what to say. The room itself looks majestic, the ancient ceiling fresco glimmering under the candles' light, turning what must have been the master bedroom into a cocoon where Louis could spend the rest of his life.

“Hi…” Harry gave a weak smile, visibly not sure about Louis’ reaction to all of this.

He must indeed give the least encouraging impression right now. He’d just had the scariest encounter of his life – since Harry anyway – and his heart was still banging against his throat. He keeps his mouth agape looking at every corner of the room, and drops his bag to the floor as he walks to Harry.

He smiles and grasps the back of his neck to pull him down gently, giving him a slow peck on the lips to loosen his anxious frown.

“So that’s what you’ve been hiding, huh ?” Louis smirks, licking his lips trying to contain his ecstatic grin. He’s trying really hard to repeat that thing Harry always tells him with his best American accent: _chill_.

Harry nods, biting his bottom lip to contain himself just as much.

“Do you like it ? Is it too much ? Not enough ? Are you scared of the candles ? Because I got tons of flashlights as well in case you’re not okay with it. And what about the flowers ? Too many ? Can you smell them all individually ? Is it too much perfume in one go ? Are you hungry ? I thought about cooking, but then-“ Harry is rambling, talking faster than he ever had.

Louis shushes him with another kiss, trapping his tongue to not let him say one more word, letting whoever is singing about “one night to be confused” be the only one doing the talking in this room.

Harry drags his hands to Louis’ hips, deepening the kiss as their tongues connect for their familiar slow dance, twirling around each other to the sound of the record crackling under the needle as the disc turns, blending with the sound of the rain now pouring outside.

Louis slowly wraps his arms around Harry’s neck as they kiss, stroking his hair softly, sliding his fingers between the curls, the angst previously killing him far far away, lost in every kiss and every touch as Harry’s hands lifts the hem of his jacket to get it off.

He allows him to and takes off his t-shirt right after, taking a deep breath as he unbuttons Harry’s black shirt, enjoying the way the boy’s chest clenches when his fingers brush against his skin, making him take the same deep breath, as if he’s having the same thoughts.

Harry lets him get his shirt out of his pants to let it fall on the flowers under their feet, stepping out of his shoes. Louis mimics him and stays in his socks, not particularly too keen on freezing Harry with his cold feet. He always radiates heat, and Louis would hate to make him wince.

He lets Harry lean down to kiss him again, not leaving his eyes until he presses their lips together. He cups his cheeks and lets his warm hands walk down Louis’ chest, slowly undoing his jeans to slide them down, waiting for him to step out of them to do the same to himself.

Louis is getting more nervous with each second that passes. His heart needs to slow the fuck down and he will soon have rock hard abs if his stomach keeps going like that.

Harry takes his hands after kissing him again, sitting down on the bed and bringing him in his momentum, letting him sit on his calves as he lets out uneven pants, mouth slightly open as he fixes his fringe that fell into his eyes.

Louis can see Harry being as frozen as he is, and takes it on himself to bring the boy’s hand to his racing heart, and lets it leave a trail of goosebumps until he reaches his boxers.

They both kneel up, facing each other as they kiss again, speeding up, tongues sloppily twirling as they moan into each other’s mouth and bury their hands in their hair, their neck, drag them down their torsos, digs their fingers in each other’s back, chest brushing and breaths coming together, making it impossible to tell who’s more breathless.

They briefly pull away so Louis can breathe, and Harry takes the opportunity to kiss his neck gently, brushing his lips against his cheekbones to finally suck on the skin, but not to leave a mark this time.

He keeps kissing his neck as he lays him down on the sheets and gains a confidence he didn’t have seconds ago.

Louis doesn’t back away as he would have before. He lets Harry touch him any way he wants, closing his eyes to just feel him.

He feels his lips explore his collarbones, the tip of his tongue tickling him although he stays still, focusing not to ruin anything. He feels Harry’s hands hold him as he would a fragile feather, rubbing his thumb on his skin as he goes further down.

He keeps his eyes closed, even when Harry slides his boxers down and props his knees up, kissing all along his thighs, letting his cheek graze Louis’ hardening cock. He finally takes a look but reckons keeping them closed would have been a better choice.

Harry looks heavenly between his legs, long hair falling and tickling his skin, rosy lips sucking on random spots he declares are now sacred. He looks completely dazed, as if Louis’ skin was addictive, making his eyebrows raise and fall with his eyes closed as he touches him.

He keeps going, as if he had an agenda to take care of Louis the best way he could, anticipating every move to make sure he’s already dizzy and painfully hard before doing anything else.

He actually kisses Louis’ cock. Kisses. His. Cock. _Kisses_.

So yes, his plan is working.

He stretches his arm to the right side of the mattress to retrieve a small wooden box. Louis would have thought this contained golden jewellery found in the deepest sea, but it’s a small bottle of lube and a condom. Better then.

He comes back up to kiss Louis and lazily strokes his length before spreading his legs a bit more, applying enough lube around Louis’ hole before teasing with a finger, getting it in carefully, followed by another, moving them inside to spread him out as he goes to his neck.

Louis is already whimpering, resting his hand on Harry back since he’s leaning on one side, trying to control the other to not touch himself and come too fast.

“Okay ?” Harry breathes against Louis’ ear, hot breath spreading through his whole body. He nods and grits his teeth, squinting as he takes another finger before letting his hand drop on the sheets when Harry gets rid of his own boxers and positions himself on top of him, leaning on one arm next to Louis’ head after sliding the condom properly.

He lies down closer to Louis’ chest and looks at him briefly with his plump glistening lips parted as he strokes Louis’ hole with the head of his hard and slick cock, slowly pushing in, making sure to check on Louis before sliding further in.

Louis squints a bit, so Harry goes back out, but he shakes his head and mouths ‘go on’, so he nods and looks down to spread Louis’ legs again and lift his hips slightly to get himself halfway in, sliding out again before getting deeper, until he’s completely disappearing into Louis, moaning as he leans on both elbows, trapping Louis’ head in between.

Louis is biting his bottom lip and squinting still, but he wraps his legs around Harry’s waist and takes him entirely, unable to say anything or confirm he’s not dying, because he’s not sure he’s not.

He can feel Harry so well inside of him as well as outside, his hands pushing back his hair as he looks down at him, surely admiring how the blue of Louis’ eyes have shifted to another shade of pure bliss.

He locks his eyes with Harry’s, tilting his head back when he starts to move in him, swaying his hips gradually as Louis gets used to being full like this. His voice is stuck in his throat, his back is arching involuntarily, and his cock feels heavy against his tummy, but it takes it.

He’s pretty sure he’s already having the best painful sensation he’s ever had, but then Harry starts thrusting with his hips rolling in an obscene pattern as he bites his bottom lip and lets his hair fall on Louis’ face, so he changes his mind. _Now_ is the best he's ever felt.

“Go ahead.” Louis whimpers after a while when he senses Harry is holding himself back.

"You sure ?” Harry is almost crying trying not to go harder. Louis nods and can only breathe the next words.

“Please. Fuck me…please.”

Harry thrusts gently a few more times before going harsh and rough, slamming skins until he’s just pounding him, the raw sound of sweating skin coming together almost muting the music and shaming the sound of the rain.

Louis tries to prove himself right and show no one can make that much noise in such situation, until he lets go of his lips and screams his moans, echoing in the gigantic room as he digs his nails in Harry’s back, only making him go deeper, slowing down briefly before lifting Louis’ legs again to ease the way his hips move onto him.

Louis feels himself go, like he’s vanishing with Harry in him, as if they’re just one soul ascending to another reality. He lets Harry bury his teeth in his shoulder, and strokes himself to the feeling destroying his fucking _bones_.

Harry speeds up only to thrust the way he had before, gently going in and out of Louis as he shakes, damp hair sticking to his forehead and eyes unable to stay open as he lets a deep and painfully long moan into Louis’ very ear, making the latter come all over his stomach between them whilst Harry thrusts a few more times, certainly pushing through his orgasm, before pulling out.

He’s panting and can’t even swallow his saliva properly, but he gets rid of the condom and kneels down anyway to clean Louis’ torso, licking every wet spot the white jets left on him, getting every drop of cum off of Louis before collapsing on the mattress.

“I think I’m dying.” Louis breathes, unable to move. He might be exaggerating, but he does feel like he just left the face of the earth to another dimension.

“Me too...” Harry sighs. “Me too.”

 

 

*****

 

 

“So tell me Louis…why do you think your mom called me ?”

Louis has no will to be where he is right now.

It’s not just the poorly decorated room looking more like a hospital room than a therapist office, not just the collection of ceramic cats on the shelf dedicated to it, and not just the smiling middle-aged woman facing him with her triangle shaped glasses he didn’t know existed outside of cartoons.

Louis doesn’t want to be here for the same reason he didn’t call to make an appointment once, even though that was the agreement to not go back to the one place he still had nightmares about.

His mom had insisted though, probably freaking out over her son dating a guy and losing his internship. She called the therapist and made sure Louis didn’t cancel, threatening to call the hospital if he did.

“I reckon she can’t let me take care of myself.” Louis says with a rude tone.

“Why do you think that ?” She takes off her glasses and bites the edge, chewing the tip as if that’s what glasses are for. Annoyance. That's what it's good for.

“She can’t cope with me being someone she’s not okay with. She gave me a certain education, and God forbid I become my own person…” Louis rolls his eyes.

“And who is that person she’s not okay with ?” The woman asks, putting her glasses back on to write on her clipboard.

Louis doesn’t answer straight away.

Who is in fact that person he says his mom doesn’t accept ? Who even is he really ?

A long silence settles, only the singing birds outside talking in Louis’ place. He spots a thread on the couch he’s sitting on and reaches out to pull it, scratching the hole it left in the armrest.

“Why don’t you just tell me about the person she used to be okay with…Who were you before she felt the need to call me, Louis ?”

Louis makes his tongue lick his teeth to keep his lips from shaking. He keeps his eyes on his fingers, going red trying to pull out the other thread he sees showing, getting stressed out just on the thought of this imperfection he can’t get rid of.

Who was he before ?

The “before” is as blurry as the answer.

Louis had no clue who he was even before he started defending the person he became the last few months.

He knew what he used to do though...

“I did everything I could to hit the point of no return, and kept going.”

“What do you mean ? What did you do ?”

Oh, the greatest question of all time.

The real one is rather what he didn’t do…

“Everything addictions make you do.” Louis shrugs. He’s never been comfortable talking to a shrink because he’s just not the type to complain. If something’s wrong, he gives a fake smile, thinks about it, and lets it rot inside of him with no one knowing anything. He hates whining, so he keeps everything in, until it eats him alive.

“What addictions did you have ?”

“I don’t know…food…I guess…” Louis purses his lips again. Just saying the word brought back memories he had suppressed.

He suddenly shifts in his seat. If it’s possible to _feel_ a memory, then that’s what Louis was feeling. A million of them, all at once.

He can feel the first time he decided to skip a meal and felt better and he can feel the fear that came with eating just one bite a few months after that. He can feel the excruciating will to throw up everything he ever swallowed and the endless counting.

He can feel the nights he didn’t eat as much as the nights he did, the nights he was afraid to pass out in his sleep and the nights he punched himself against a wall as punishment for his failures.

He can feel the way his bones used to ache at the contact of anything remotely hard, slicing his skin and paining him because he was just plain skin on bones. And he can feel what went through his mind when his dad made him eat again.

He can feel the tears that streamed everyday because of it as if it was just yesterday. He can still hear him cry and beg him to feed himself because he just didn’t want to lose his son, and he can feel the way he, himself, got angry at his dad for making him eat.

He can also feel how he was recovering from it a year after his dad found out. He can feel how good it was to finally be more than just a slave to food, to learn how to respect himself enough and keep a promise to his dad to fight for him, not being able to bear the look in his eyes every time he _noticed_.

Lastly, he feels how it all came crashing down when his dad passed away, shutting everything down to do everything he always had, eating all day only to get rid of everything, used to eating, but not wanting it anymore, getting it out until there was nothing left but blood, tears, and dizziness, going to bed freezing and unable to breathe.

“Only food ?”

Was it only food ? Of course not. But it was the main one anyway. Plus, how can you tell someone you used to be addicted to hurting yourself ? How do you make it sound rational to crave cuts on your arms and bruises on your back ? You can’t. So Louis doesn’t even try.

“Yes.” He nods, averting his eyes from her clipboard to stare at his wrestling fingers again. That thread was just not giving up.

“And you don’t have this addiction anymore ?”

Does he ?

It’s only then that it occurs to him how less of an addiction it’s been lately. He even finds himself enjoying it more often than not. He still struggles with boundaries he fixed himself overtime, like fried food or eating too late, or even cutting everything in tiny pieces and chewing for ages. But overall, he doesn’t obsess over it as much. He can hear the numbers, but doesn't let them dictate his day.

He also doesn’t really crave paining himself. He can see his arm and not picture red spots on it, can see a wall and not rush into it, and can hear a car and not run in front of it.

“No.”

“What changed ?” The woman frowns.

_Harry._

That’s what changed.

What changed was that he woke up eager to see someone that made him forget he wasn’t perfect. What changed was that he found himself smiling again just chatting with someone who knew nothing about him and still saw him as someone worthy no matter everything wrong going on in his head.

What changed was that he wasn’t alone in this anymore, that he stopped looking at the wrong side of things, and gave a chance to someone who looked into his eyes and not his body, laughed to his jokes and not at his mistakes, held his hands just for the sake of it and not because he expected something in return, and told him how much he loved him, never getting upset to not hear it back.

“I fell in love.” Louis says and finally pulls out the thread in the couch, smiling to himself. “I just fell in love.”

 

 

*****

 

 

“Harry ! Mate !” Niall greets happily as soon as he sees Louis and Harry walk towards him, as if Louis wasn’t even there. How ironic.

“Hiiii.” Harry smiled, half hugging Niall as he kept holding Louis’ hand.

“It’s creepier than what I remember from a few years ago…” Louis remarks, seeing clowns with messy make up and people in disguise everywhere, scary music blasting from the horror rides around them.

They had decided to go to the fair late in the evening to avoid the crowd of children and wait for hours in every queue for the rollercoasters.

They hug Liam and Sophia as well and Louis notices Zayn and his cousin behind them, and waves in his direction with apologetic eyes, making him smile and wave back. Thank God.

They all stay in their group and explore the fair, throwing basketballs that never get in and shoot bottles that never fall, dragging a frustrated but laughing Niall who keeps pulling everyone everywhere to try everything.

They stop at another shooting booth that got Niall excited because of the ginormous inflatable pint of beer floating in the shelter. There are also a selection of big teddy bears, unicorns, and other cute stuffed animals, including a fluffy looking dog dressed in a football gear.

“What do you want ?” Harry leans to Louis’ ear when he notices him staring at the prizes.

“No-nothing…” Louis stutters.

Harry slips a hand in the back pocket of Louis’ jeans and pulls him closer to his side to whisper.

“Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you, baby.”

Louis looks up to kiss him and points at the fluffy footballer caramel American Bulldog. He lets him go give a few coins to the man behind the wooden counter, and walks to Sophia who’s watching Liam try and fail to get her the biggest bear.

Harry angles himself as if he’s done that a million times before and brings the toy gun to his shoulder, pressing it gently against his cheek as he squints to spot the target he needs to hit. There are three boards and he has to shoot right in the middle three times in a row to get anything he wants.

When Liam drops to his knees in defeat and goes back to Sophia way more disappointed than she is, they all watch Harry have a go.

He shoots once and gets it perfectly in the target. Everyone cheers but he doesn’t even flinch, as if it’s not a surprise at all. He waits for the next target to show up and shoots, getting it right, yet again.

“No way he’s getting the third one !” Niall laughs, secretly biting his nails with the suspense.

Everyone grows silent as the last target appears and Harry stays focused, shifting on his legs from just an inch to finally shoot, getting it so right the target flies away in the booth, hitting the man in the face.

They all shout and Niall jumps on Harry’s back, excitement as high as for a regular sports game.

“Fuck bro ! You nailed it !” Liam exclaims, clapping his hands and smiling like an impressed puppy.

Harry doesn’t look the slightest bit surprised at his success, and asks for the prize Louis previously pointed at before walking to him and winking.

“As promised.” He murmurs in his ear and kisses his cheek, bringing the stuffed animal to Louis’ chest and waiting for him to hold it before sliding his hand right back into his back pocket, keeping him close as the rest of the group chats about how unreal that was.

“How did you even-“ Louis starts but is kept quiet with a peck on his lips.

“Shall we go to the next one ?” Harry suggests and everyone agrees, going to the first rollercoaster of the night.

Louis loves rollercoasters. He could spend the entire day in them. And he has. But tonight it’s not a theme park, it’s the local fair, which means boring cracking rides made of wood. But it’s still enjoyable.

They’re standing in the queue for the horror ride, the only one that’s supposedly intense, and he can feel Harry clinging to him and just not smiling or talking like before.

“What’s wrong ?” He raises a brow.

“I’m scared of rollercoasters.” Harry confesses, rocking on the ball of his feet trying to calm himself.

“What ?! You’re not scared of living with a dead girl but you’re afraid of riding small cars ?!” Louis was just bemused. Yes, that’s the word…bemused.

“I have my weaknesses, Lou.” Harry pouts.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand.” Louis winks, weirdly satisfied by the sudden role he’s having right now, used to Harry protecting him.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you ?” Harry sees right through his smile.

“Yep. Yep I am.” Louis smirks and pulls him inside when it’s finally their turn.

Harry squeezes Louis’ hand hard enough to go through it, but he still laughs and screams happily, so it’s just fine and Louis doesn’t feel bad about forcing him in there.

They then stop to get burgers, and Louis shares one with Harry because they’re just too big. They’re all sitting on a long table with benches, shouting at each other to talk over the music and the crowd around them.

Harry unwraps the burger and stretches out his hands once it’s properly exposed to let Louis bite in it. The latter, sitting right next to him, takes a bite, and winces at the taste of the red meat, but paces through it, determined to only get the peppers and buns the next time.

“Hey, Tommo ?” Zayn appears next to Louis on the bench, making him turn with his mouth full.

“Yeah ?” Louis smiles, unable to hide how happy he is that they’re not killing each other.

“I wanna talk to you…to apologize. But not here with all this noise and everything…Could you stop by the dorms tomorrow ?” Zayn looks sincere and Louis really wanted to talk anyway, so he nods and lets his friend clap their hands together as a peace gesture, and watches him scurry around the table and back to his spot.

“You guys are friends again ?” Harry smiles and Louis nods excitedly before noticing a gherkin and picking at it to get it out before taking his next bite into the sandwich.

They somehow separate from the rest of the group after a ride in the Ferris wheel where they got a bit carried away making out instead of looking over the city. They couldn't really stop even when they hopped off, so they just lost track of their friends. They’re enjoying the fair nonetheless, laughing and whispering into each other’s ears just because they can.

Louis is staring at Harry mimicking a seal for some reason, when he walks into someone and gasps, nearly falling but quickly caught by Harry.

“Sorry mate !” Louis immediately apologizes…to a clown. Great.

Louis hates clowns. He also hates porcelain dolls, musical boxes, trivial masks, and just everything that once had a major part in the plot of a horror movie. It’s just wrong. It does good to no one and scares the crap out of him.

The clown doesn’t speak and hops on the spot instead, making both Louis and Harry take a step back.

He gets a balloon out to show it off dramatically, so Louis figures he’s putting on a show for them. He’s afraid, but not rude, so he lets him go on.

The disguised person has a nasty white paint all over – visibly _his_ – face, sloppy red lipstick on his lips and beyond, forming an upside down smile. His eyes are circled with black shadows painted to create tears, and his red nose has a hole in it, making his dusty looking costume look like a monster right out of a freak show.

He dances, swaying slowly on his feet as he plays with the black balloon to shape some sort of dog. He hands it to Louis and it looks like he’s staring right at his fucking soul when he waits for him to take it.

Louis is not feeling suicidal tonight, so he takes the balloon version of Kitten. At this point he must look like he's just obsessed with dogs.

They start to walk away, but the clown whines and jogs to get in front of them again, making them stop to watch him create something else out of his simple red helium balloon.

He blows it, until it becomes a huge heart, mimicking a beating heart against his chest as he goes down on one knee, making Louis smile and look at Harry who looks petrified. He looks back at the clown and watches in horror as he stops moving, eyes glued on Louis with his creepy painted face, and buries a needle into the heart, making it pop too loud and too brutally, so Louis closes his eyes and drops the dog balloon to cover his ears, nuzzling into Harry.

When he opens his eyes, the man is gone, and so are the balloons.

So no sleep tonight then, alright.

“That was so fucking weird…I hate clowns.” Louis grunts.

“Um…yeah…me too.” Harry sounds out of breath, as if he had panicked even more than Louis himself.

They then decide to leave when they don’t find the rest of the group, not too fond of the wandering clowns and rides increasingly going out of order.

“Oh wait !” Louis tugs at Harry’s leather jacket when he spots a small cabin thingy with a lit sign reading ‘Anastasia – Fortune Teller’. “I’ve always wanted to see what crap they say ! It’ll be funny, c’mon !”

“I’m not sure-“ Harry shakes his head but Louis is already guiding him inside.

“Hello ?” The room is seemingly empty, so Louis takes a look at the amount of red candles and the cliché crystal ball on a round table in the middle.

He walks to it and pretends he’s seeing the future, saying nonsense when he suddenly hears someone cough, and jogs back to Harry.

“Um…hi !” He blushes and Harry rubs his back.

“I’m closed.” The woman Louis figures is Anastasia, dressed with multicolour veils, announces, long fingers shuffling tarot cards.

“Oh please ! I’ve always wanted to try that !” Louis almost begs, taking a step forward whilst Harry is standing awkwardly in the corner.

“Fine. Will it be for you or the quiet friend ?” She asks, looking at Harry over the rim of her glasses.

“You wanna go first ?” Louis whispers to Harry who shakes his head.

“No, you have fun, babe.” Harry smiles and kisses Louis’ forehead.

Louis walks to the chair and sits down in front of the woman, Harry standing right behind him with his hands on the back of the chair.

The woman looks at Louis as she shuffles the cards again and places the pile on the table. She gestures for Louis to give her his hand, so Louis obliges, already trying hard not to laugh.

She lets go of his hand and takes out the first card. It’s unreadable so Louis just waits for the explanation as she puts each card on display.

“Regrets.” She says for the first card. “You are full of regret, dear. You can’t accept anything not going your way and it consumes you. Be careful, focusing on your past blinds you from reality and being aware of the present before it's too late.”

And it becomes less funny after that.

She pulls out the second card and nods to herself, as if she knew it was going to show up, raising Louis’ curiosity, even though he obviously doesn’t believe in that kind of tricks that everyone can relate to anyway. It’s hazard, not predictions.

“I can see you’re battling demons. Probably the ghosts of your regrets…” She mutters.

“Are you sure you’re okay doing this ?” Harry asks, squeezing Louis’ shoulders.

“Yeah yeah.” Louis nods, unsure, but not willing to bother this kind lady for nothing.

She takes the next card and smiles, so Louis relaxes a bit.

“I see a positive change in your life. You finally got rid of one of the many demons…” Louis smiles.

She seems hopeful, but then she pulls out the next card and gasps, letting the card fly on the table as if she’s too scared to even touch it.

“What ?” Louis gasps as well, even though he has no clue what’s happened.

“Y-you…y-you…” She’s stuttering, shaking in her chair, taking her glasses off as she stands up.

“What’s going on ?” Harry frowns.

“Get out of here !” She shouts. “You are in contact with the greatest darkness, Louis ! You let darkness into you !” She sounds crazy.

“Um…okay…” Louis stands up. He knew this was just all drama. Also, did he give her his name ? He doesn't even remember that.

“You brought the negative energy here ! I’ve never had this card before ! You’re going to die if you don’t walk away from it !” She keeps yelling, on the verge of falling. “Death is chasing you !”

Louis and Harry are rushed outside and instead of being scared for the Lord knows how many times tonight, Louis just laughs hysterically, holding his stomach as he lets out a series of loud “HAHAHA” and holds onto Harry who doesn’t look as amused.

“Fuck ! That was the best ride ! I’m crying !” Louis is in fact crying of laughter.

Harry is not.

“Can we just go now ?” He asks and takes Louis’ hand to walk out of the fair to Louis’ flat.

They walk down the road laughing and re-enacting scenes from Friends because at some point Harry just had the opportunity to moan “a three…a three five four…a six…a seven…a seven…” and then just scream “SEVEN” for a while like a porn star, quoting the show they'd been watching all day long until Louis is curling into himself trying to not fall because of laughter, or from being turned on, whatever.

They’re still giggling when they step into the building, and Louis doesn’t really know why he’s suddenly pushed against the wall, but he’s not protesting. Harry is squeezing his bum and biting his neck harder than usual, making Louis whimper and dig his fingers in Harry’s back.

They start kissing, even though it’s just a mess of tongues and uneven breaths, and soon get lost into it. Harry lifts Louis up by his thighs and lets him wrap his legs around him as he secures him against the wall, kissing the life out of him and nibbling at his bottom lip, pulling at it between his teeth before going back to tasting his mouth.

The automated light goes off so Louis can’t see much of Harry, and it’s probably better, because he wouldn’t have been this relaxed seeing how black and dull Harry’s eyes just went.

“I love you.” Harry breathes. “I love you.” He kisses his neck. “I love you I love you I love you.”

Louis can do nothing but let Harry repeat the words in his ear, kissing him until he’s out of breath.

The light suddenly goes on again and they quickly pull away, knowing it means someone’s walking down towards them. Louis quickly catches Harry’s eyes, but his vision is a bit blurry, so he probably imagined that.

Harry turned to pretend he was just looking through the mailbox as Mrs Griffith and her husband walk downstairs with Tootsie.

“Hello Louis.” She smiles and Louis smiles back and waves at them and the dog, barking the second he spots Harry. He runs to him but Mr Griffith tugs at the leash and carries the pug out as he grunts.

“Dogs really don’t like you, love…” Louis jokes but Harry doesn’t laugh.

They walk upstairs once Harry is done pretending to be busy, and, as soon as Louis closes the door, he squeaks, finding himself tackled to the floor to wrestle for his freedom. He giggles and runs through the apartment as Harry chases after him, laughing as he trips over several items in the dark.

Louis eventually gives up and lets Harry shove him against the wall usually used for other circumstances, and lets him take off his clothes. He kicks his shoes off and gets rid of Harry’s everything, pulling him by his cross necklace to kiss him as they find themselves in their boxers in the hallway.

Harry slides a hand over Louis’ crotch and the latter doesn’t need much to rub himself against the boy who could get him hard just by looking at him.

They keep licking each other’s mouth and squeezing each other’s arse, nearly ripping their boxers to get them off.

Harry runs so fast to the bedroom to come back Louis doesn’t even notice he left. He’s back with everything he needs that’ll wreck Louis, and he’s just happy to know he probably won’t be able to walk the next morning.

“Can you turn around for me ?” Harry asks in a gentle voice. Louis nods frantically and does as he’s told. “Now bend over.”

Louis takes a deep breath and obliges, resting his elbows on the short shelf/dresser thingy next to him.

Harry runs his hands down Louis’ spine and stops on his hips, massaging them before caressing his bum to make him relax in his hands.

Louis can’t see anything, so he just dies a little when he feels the cold liquid against his hole right before tow fingers spread him open. He expects Harry to take his time with it, make sure Louis will take him easily. But that’s just not what he has in mind.

He gets his fingers out after only a few moves and walks his hard-on on the small of Louis’ back, between his cheeks, and rubs the tip against his hole. And Louis’s just moaning as a ghost by now.

“Stop…teasing.” Louis whimpers.

“What was that ?” Harry plays innocent.

“Fucking get in, Harry.” Louis demands.

“That’s not how you ask for my cock now, gorgeous.” Harry coos and rubs Louis’ back, still brushing his erection against Louis’ rim.

“Please Harry.” Louis is begging, Harry’s hand caressing his arse not helping at all.

“Please what ?” He’s smirking, Louis is sure of it.

“Please, I want your cock…in me…now.” Louis is panting and squinting, but he can still hear that little proud giggle behind him.

“Anything for you.” Harry says victorious before sliding into Louis, extremely tight as he takes Harry, making his mouth form an ‘o’ as he just pushes through and even rocks back. “Hey !” Harry scolds and digs his fingers in Louis' bum. “My job.”

Louis stops moving back and lets Harry grasp his neck before thrusting into him, slowly and gentle for only a split second before pounding him hard, quite possibly just fucking the life out of him. He can feel every inches and it’s painful but also so _so_ good he might be crying from pleasure, not because he’s being open like that without much prep.

Harry keeps thrusting hard and deep, earning screams that might alarm the neighbors, or space.

They somehow find themselves against the wall again, and Louis’ forehead is going to break through that thing. Harry is still holding onto his neck, hand wrapped around it tight enough to slightly pain him, not enough to choke him.

He doesn’t even know how he’s able to take it to be honest. He’s letting Harry tear him apart and he’s enjoying every second of it. He lets him do whatever he wants as usual, and gets high on being destroyed by this boy’s cock.

" _Fuck_ …you're being so good to me…" Harry pants and Louis loses it just a bit more. "Taking me so well… _uh_ …"

Louis can feel Harry coming in him as he slows down, resting his head on the back of Louis’ neck to moan into his ear, because he just knows that’s what throws Louis over the edge.

He hasn’t been touching himself though. He wanted to feel everything until the last thrust, so he paced through it and held onto it the best he could.

Harry turns him around and just drops to his knees to suck on his leaking cock, pumping him until he covers his face entirely. He keeps his mouth open with his tongue sticking out, smiling as he licks the remaining cum on Louis’ tip before standing back up.

And it’s a bit too much, but in the best way.

Harry carries him over his shoulder because walking is just not an option. They fall on the bed and Louis doesn’t remember everything as he closes his eyes and lets himself go, falling asleep in Harry’s arms as he tries to imagine a time he didn’t know he could feel Heaven. Or Hell. Maybe that was Hell. Maybe that was a bit too sinfully delightful to be Heaven.

And he didn’t really care.

 

*****

 

 

Louis would lie if he said the morning after wasn’t that painful.

He had plans with Liam at the library to study and then wanted to meet with Zayn at his and Niall’s dorms, so he let Harry snore in his bed, still stark nude in the sheets and looking like a cherub painted on a canvas worth being displayed in the Louvre.

He’s lying on his back with a delicate hand on his chest and the other on Louis’ pillow and he looks like an angel. His long curls are all over the place in the most beautiful way, falling on his eyelids, spread on the pillow, and flowing on his cheek, fluttering every time he exhales.

The blanket is falling low under his hips, exposing his tattooed chest and hips, sheets creased around him to only cover his crotch, letting a delicious sight of shaved legs on display, emphasizing the painted angel picture.

Louis stares for a bit, just watching him sleep peacefully, and gets up, stretching and soon remembering how great the night before was, because it’s burning right now.

He winces as he starts walking, cussing all the way to the bathroom, using the wall as support. He lets the water fall and closes the shower door, waiting for it to heat up as he checks his state in the mirror.

He first just doesn’t notice.

He looks at his impossibly messy hair on his head, the redness of his nipples, because Harry is insatiable, and the several regular bruises along his collarbones, scolding Harry to not leave any marks where everyone can see because it’ll get hot soon and he won’t keep a hoodie forever.

He walks his hands on the purplish marks and bites his lip to the touch, and then takes a few steps back to see more of himself, accidentally colliding with the cold wall that has him almost yell in pain.

He turns around to see that his back has been the playground of an animal.

There’re red scratches everywhere, even though he doesn’t even recall Harry holding onto his back at all last night, other bruises looking more black then blue or purple, marks of teeth close to his shoulders which, okay, those he remembers, and something that, funnily enough, resembles a symbol, a sort of spiral carved on his lower back.

And he’s pretty sure Harry wants him dead.

He sighs and steps into the shower, nearly crying under the hot water touching his aching skin.

He takes a while to get used to it before getting the soap and shampoo, and struggles to even bend to get them back down in the corner of the shower floor. So maybe they were a bit brutal the night before, maybe Harry definitely wrecked Louis to the point where he’s afraid to sit on a chair, and maybe Harry has mistaken Louis’ back for a pile of clay to sculpt, but he wouldn’t take it back.

He gets dressed rapidly and kisses the tip of Harry’s nose before heading out, chuckling at the sight of him scrunching his nose and dragging his hand down his torso under the blanket, resting somewhere Louis would very much like to hold his hand, or what's right next to it, but he’s already made plans, so he just sighs and leaves.

He joins Liam to spend almost the entire day coming up with summed up notes of the classes to work during the break efficiently, preparing the upcoming exams that’ll allow them to be officially graduating from the degree.

His friend has plans with his girlfriend after that, so he lets him go to walk to Niall and Zayn, looking forward to wave the white flag with the friend he hasn’t been hanging out with in a while.

“Louehh !”

One day Niall won’t greet Louis as if he’s back from a three-year war. Today is not that day.

“Hi Ni…”

“Zayn is in his room. I’ll let you two talk, I’m gonna get pizza ! The veggie lover, right ?” Niall asks as he grabs his keys and wallet.

“I’ll have the same as you actually.” Louis smiles and Niall nods before going out.

Louis walks to Zayn’s room and knocks before stepping in, hugging him before sitting on his bed, as if nothing had changed their friendship. Zayn doesn’t say anything, so maybe nothing has.

“So…you wanted to talk ?” Louis starts, waiting for Zayn’s apologies.

“Yeah. Here.”

Zayn hands Louis a sort of scrapbook, and the latter did know they had a special friendship, but not the kind that made you cut out pictures to create collages of their years spent together…

“S’not my birthday you know…” Louis chuckles.

“Open it.” Zayn simply says, all serious and eager like.

Louis opens the album and sees a cut out article from a few months ago. He starts to read it, and his heart drops.

 

**_Bristol: Another wasted youth ?_ **

_Harry Edward Styles, 22, was seen walking to Clifton Suspension Bridge at 3 am this Monday._

_It was confirmed that the young man jumped off the bridge and his body was dragged along by the river. The bright student from Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, was said to be visiting his family before unexpectedly ending his life._

 

Louis looks at the attached picture and sees an old photo, from when the boy was sixteen, no tattoos, short hair, no dimples showing since he isn't smiling, making the resemblance a bit tricky. It might have been just the quality of the paper, so he makes a mental note to look for it online.

Zayn already had though, and no recent pictures were found, as if the family wanted to remember him as who he was way before the incident.

He stays silent as he turns the pages to find another article on the same topic, and another, and then another, depicting every aspect of his life to understand why the young man would kill himself, how they had installed a tribute in his village so everyone could put flowers or kind words around a framed picture, unable to cry on a grave without a non dismantled body.

He’s crying as he keeps reading about Harry’s dad that seemingly abandoned him when he was a child and built a new family he didn’t want him to be part of in Bristol. He reads about his sister Gemma with whom he had a close relationship, and reads about his mom, Anne, who still doesn’t understand why her son would do such a thing, given how happy of a boy he’d always been.

By the time he gets to the end of the album Zayn put together, he’s learned everything he’s always asked “Harry”. But it just doesn’t make any sense.

“Louis ?” Zayn calls carefully when Louis closes the album on his lap and puts it aside. “Louis please say something.”

“It’s not him.” Louis shakes his head.

“You saw the name…The Harry you’re dating is not Harry Styles, Louis. He’s using this dead guy’s identity for some reason…” Zayn tries to explain, but the ball in Louis’ throat is choking him.

He stands up and takes Zayn by his arm to head out as Niall returns.

“What’s going on ? I just got the pizza you can’t leave now !” Niall complains.

“You can bring it.” Louis says firmly.

“Where are we going ?” Niall asks, carrying the pizza and heading out without being forced, followed by his friends.

“To Harry’s.”

The rain outside is just not giving up. Niall eats enough pizza on a regular basis to have his own technique to keep them dry. He’s wrapped them in his hoodie, sacrificing his health for the sake of the crust as they run into the mansion.

“That’s where he lives ?!” Zayn exclaims, but Louis has no time to explain. He needs answers and didn’t want to face him alone. Whoever _he_ was.

Niall is munching on a slice of pizza as he looks at the portraits on the wall, pointing at his look alike and laughing whilst Zayn is shaking and mouthing a ‘no’ every time Niall offers him some food.

“Harry ? Harry ?!” Louis calls but no one answers. It’s late and he knew Louis would be at Niall and Zayn’s, yet he’s not there. And Louis really wishes he's not in his flat right now.

He opens every door while his friends explore, and eyes the one he’s never dared opening. He’s soon joined by them and they both look at him looking at that door in confusion.

“M’you have to turn the doorknob to open it I think…” Niall says with his mouth full, laughing alone until he notices no one else is going to join him.

Louis takes a deep breath and looks at Zayn, who nods, and pushes the curtain all the way to open the door.

He gets his - thankfully repaired - phone to get the flashlight, and Zayn does the same as Niall follows them in the dark, focused on his pizza as he sits down against the wall to wait for his friends with his dinner.

There’s nothing at first sight, just cobwebs and a table. Louis is about to make them leave since Harry’s obviously not there, but Zayn clears his throat.

“Um…Louis ?” He calls, voice shaky as he points his flashlight to the wall.

Both Louis and Niall walk to him, leaving the pizza on the floor, and Louis is glad he didn’t eat that pizza yet, because he’s sure he would have puked everything by now.

There’s a board on the wall.

Of course it could have been nothing. Why would a board be problematic after all ? But it’s what’s pined up against it that makes them all go quiet and gulp.

There, on the large wooden plank, are dozens of photos of people. The snaps have obviously been taken without them knowing, candids of the strangers walking to their home, eating, chatting with their acquaintances…and Louis. 

There’re at least thirty pictures of Louis on that wall, taken way before he met Harry.

There’s a picture of him with Kitten. There’s a picture of him with his sisters in Doncaster, a photo he had never seen before. There’s a picture of him with Niall and Liam smoking weed, another of him getting into an ambulance, and others of him…in his flat. He’s eating in one, reading in the other or sleeping, pictures clearly taken from inside the room.

Louis doesn’t say anything and walks closer to read the few notes stuck everywhere.

 

_January 7 th \- 3:02 am: Clifton Suspension Bridge_

_February 5 th – 4:48 pm: Clifton Suspension Bridge_

_February 9 th – 8:36 pm: 45 Colston Road_

_February 15 th – 6:11 pm: Clifton Suspension Bridge_

_February 22 nd – 9:15 am: 3 University Road_

_May 26 _t_ h – 3:00 am: Clifton Suspension Bridge_

 

Louis stays mute.

He’s not sure what all those dates have to do with him, until he remembers going on that bridge in January, and in February, and going to that restaurant with Mr Pavelka on Colston road before running into a truck, and he vaguely remembers the day Harry saved him from being crushed by a bus on University Road.

And there’s no way he’s even reading that last date again.

He’s starting to shake and walks past his friend to call for Harry, as if he could appear out of nowhere, because it wouldn’t be the first time.

Zayn and Niall follow him to search the boy and Niall opens the one door Louis wasn’t really planning on opening ever again.

“Wow, that’s like a kid’s room…”

“Niall, no ! Don’t go there !” Louis jogs to him into the room while Zayn keeps searching for Harry.

“Why ?”

“ _Play with me.”_ A voice echoes around them followed by loud giggles that have Louis cling to Niall and Niall cling to Louis, the both of them frozen as they’re wrapped in a wind that make the hair on their neck stand up.

“Um…Tommo…did you just blow against my neck ?” Niall says, voice stuck with fear.

“No…” Louis gulps.

The door slams shut and both of them scream by surprise. They don’t let go of each other for one second and starts calling Zayn to get them out as the breeze brushes against their cheeks and the giggles keep filling the room.

“Niall…Amelia…” Louis introduces as he repeats that it’s nothing but a nightmare to not pass out from an imminent panic attack.

“Amelia ? The fuck ?!”

“Harry said she’s been haunting the house after the death of her parents, but I never fucking believed that, obviously !” Louis is getting mad at himself for doubting that…whatever Harry was now.

“Ghosts aren’t real Louis, there’s obviously no raging disturbed girl bloody laughing at us right now. Is this a prank ? You could have gone for something other than the crazy girl in a mansion !” Niall huffs a laugh, and Louis has a feeling he probably shouldn’t have done that.

_As long as you’re nice and careful with your words…_

Louis replays Harry’s warning in his head and grips Niall’s shoulders closer as if to protect his little brother.

“I think we should talk to her nicely…” Louis murmurs to his friend.

“Are you joking ?” Niall laughs. “Harry is a psycho, but there’s no bloody dead girl that’ll come after us, bro.”

There’s a long pause and Louis can feel Niall get closer to him, as if he’s not completely sure about what he just said.

“Guys ! You’re okay ?!” Zayn shouts from the other side of the door.

“Get us out of here !” Niall yells back.

“I can’t, the door is locked ! I’ll go find something to smash it, wait here!” Zayn announces and both Louis and Niall think about the same thing as they shout in unison.

“As if we could go anywhere, you idiot !” 

_“Play with me.”_

The soft high pitched happy voice is gone. It’s now a dark and hoarse voice of anger, making Louis’ heart beat in his ears, slowly shaking and trying to focus not to let his anxiety take over and leave Niall alone in this.

“We don’t want to play, you weirdo !” Niall says, as if he’s talking to Harry. But that theory is not even an option in Louis’ brain anymore.

 _“Louis…”_ The voice whispers and Louis closes his eyes for a second.

When he opens them again, he stops moving completely.

There, standing in front of him, is the little girl from the picture, long blond hair swinging in the wind she herself created. She’s wearing a worn out silky dress and holding a broken doll that lost an eye and got her hair burnt by the looks of it.

She looks harmless, but the situation makes her look like a freaking demon, and Louis can’t take that kind of hallucination.

His heart can’t take that. He’s pretty sure it can’t. He’s starting to suffocate and he can’t hear his friend calling his name. His vision becomes all blurry and he can’t feel his legs anymore. He can’t feel anything anymore. He can’t keep his eyes open, and lets himself fall from panic, the rush of angst and fear getting the best of him.

He must have space out completely for hours, because when he opens his eyes, he’s on Niall and Zayn’s couch, lying next to Niall who’s eating the rest of the pizzas.

“Tommo ?” He drops his slice and holds Louis’ shoulders when he sees him waking up.

“What happened ?” He asks, not remembering a thing, until it slowly comes back.

“You’re staying with us. We’ll go get a few things at your flat tomorrow, and we’ll report Harry, or whatever his name is.” Niall explains, giving Louis a glass of water.

Zayn walks to him to sit on the coffee table next to Niall to face his friend.

“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you…” Louis mutters.

“S’okay bro, it might have been me trusting someone who lies but appears to act in your best interest…and I probably would’ve done the same. No worries.” Zayn smiles, patting Louis’ knee.

“I’m so fucking confused.” Louis sighs.

“Don’t worry, we’ll make sure to keep him away from you until he’s out of here, locked up somewhere.” Niall says dourly, as if he’s already planning a way to destroy him or something.

Louis nods and tries to relax and push the images away, before triggering another panic attack and fainting.

He can’t really forget everything that happened before tonight though…

He can still see him in his head, sleeping in his bed the morning of the same day. He can still feel him between his legs and on his back, feel him on his shoulders and in his mouth, and feel him emotionally inside of him, souls blending into one.

He lets one tear stream down, and then finds himself crumbling into Zayn’s arms, holding on his jumper as he cries from pain and rage, mad at himself for trusting that for once he could be happy, that _for once_ he could love someone he wouldn’t lose, and that, just for this one time, he could actually have a chance at life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to leave any comments as usual because I just love them haha <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii
> 
> I can't believe this came out of my brain seriously I have absolutely no clue where that came from but hopefully it'll make sense to everyone !
> 
> I left a lot of questions all around and they'll all be answered in this chapter and the next one (which happens to be the last one…ugh) but feel free to ask anything you want for any confusion, I'll be happy to answer since I can't explain everything completely without being too descriptive and all…
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this <3
> 
> x
> 
> Mel

 

“Are you still going to ignore my questions today ?” The woman who can’t understand the purpose of glasses asks, chewing on that bloody thing Louis just wants out of her teeth.

He stares at the armrest that still keeps producing annoying threads, making Louis shake and bite his lip, because why the hell was that thing coming out of the couch ? Why did this persistent anomaly had to ruin the perfectly fine couch by appearing out of nowhere and fight to stay ?

“I know you think just coming into my office will spare you a trip to the hospital Louis, but if you don’t talk, you might as well not come. I’ll have to notify your mother and the Priory Hospital.”

Louis still doesn’t talk. No matter how many questions she asks after that, no matter how long it lasts, he just doesn’t talk.

He looks up at the clock and stands up, making the woman turn around and notice their hour is done here.

He didn’t want to talk. And he couldn’t even if he wanted to.

He walks to the bus and goes to the back to try to blend and disappear in the half crowded transportation, staring at the window with his hand on his chin, resting his forehead on the glass as he keeps a flat face, unable to give out any signs that there is in fact some kind of emotions inside of him.

He’s been going to the therapist twice since…since.

But he can’t let one word out. He can’t explain, can’t control his shaking legs and exploding heart whenever he tries, and he can’t let himself talk about it and acknowledge what he’s going through right now.

It’s funny how every time he thinks he can’t possibly get lower, he digs under the deepest ground and dives in, always falling, as if there was no actual end, as if he would keep plunging forever, an endless void only designed for him.

He’s been staying at Niall and Zayn’s, too afraid to be in danger and go back to all the memories he can’t handle anymore.

He used to cope with it. He could see the coat rack and picture his dad’s coat hanging on it and still go on with his day. He could look at the spot on the couch where Kitten would always curl up to nap, and still go to sleep unfazed. He had practice for looking at something that brought back memories he could never recreate, and just walk away.

But now, it’s like he couldn’t even walk to his building without crying and collapsing.

The streets were the ones he explored with Harry, laughed too loud and spent hours kissing, not even disturbed by the rain that had them shiver but still craving each other’s touch too much to pull away.

The lobby reminded him of Harry pushing him playfully against a wall, and Harry getting his mail for him because he always forgot, and Harry waiting for him to go upstairs first with a lazy hand on the small of his back as if Louis would fall at any given time.

The front door held images of the dozens of times Harry would show up on the doormat with a bouquet of flowers and a dimpled smile. And the entrance was probably still messy with his and Harry’s shoes piled up.

The living room had no safe corner. The couch was lazy days reading or watching movies together, long naps in Harry’s arms and midnight chats with a cup of tea until they fell asleep on it.

The DVD shelf was filled with all the movies they had bought because Harry had just insisted Louis got happy movies, and the several vases around the room probably still perfumed the whole flat with the previous flowers they had welcome.

The kitchen was nothing but Harry cooking and doing the dishes, and lifting Louis to make him sit on the counter just to nuzzle into his chest and let him pet his hair in silence with a tight hug. It was late morning breakfasts and perfect teas, feet fighting under the table and hands holding above it.

The hallway was still filled with their laughter and their clumsiness, broken lamp still to be fixed and traces on the wall left as pieces of art.

The bathroom was just showers in the middle of the night, wet bodies attached until their fingers went numb and the water turned cold.

And let’s just not talk about the bedroom.

Louis hadn’t stepped into his flat since, yet he could feel everything as if he had to live in it twenty four seven. He didn’t dare seeing that bed, those sheets, that stuffed footballer on his drums, Harry’s jeans on his desk chair, Harry’s hair ties on the dresser, Harry’s rings on the nightstand, Harry’s cologne on the shelf…

He gets off the bus and doesn’t even try shielding himself from the rain, walking with his head down and his hands in the pockets of his damp hoodie, shuffling his feet in puddles and taking off his shoes in the hall to not mess up everyone’s day getting the floor dirty.

He walks to Niall and Zayn’s room barefoot, knocking on the door and leaning against the wall as he waits for one of them to open.

“Louis ! We were getting worried !” Niall seems to have been standing behind that door for hours waiting for his friend.

Going out was in fact quite scary…scarier than before anyway.

He hadn’t seen Harry yet, not really. It had been days, yet he still managed to avoid him. He kept showing up randomly and it’s only then Louis realized how abnormal it was how he could always just _know_ where he was even when not telling him in advance.

He’d walk towards him with a bright smile but Louis would frown and shake his head, hiding behind Zayn, Niall and Liam – whom they had updated on everything – creating a shield to keep Harry away.

The look on his face broke Louis’ heart even more, opening mouth and waving hands in confusion, chasing after them until Zayn just shouted to stay away from Louis or else they’d call the security and tell everyone he was a psycho.

Harry had stopped in his tracks and respected the threat, seeing how Louis wasn’t saying anything. He looked absolutely crushed, as if he had had his heart ripped out of his chest, as if his world had ended, as if he could get shot and it wouldn’t matter, watching as Louis and his friends walked far away from him, leaving him alone and utterly lost.

It’s not that they didn’t want to give him an explanation, but they had no idea who he was, what his intentions were, if they were safe even just looking at him for too long.

Louis had trusted him so much, almost given everything, losing the control that once made his life impossible, enjoying the spontaneity and the feeling of speaking up to someone who listened and didn’t judge for a second. But now he was looking at it backfire in his face.

Harry had given up following him right after, and it somehow didn’t make it any better.

Louis didn’t even know why he was panicking and crying at this point. He didn’t know if it was because he was now alone in some way or if it hurt to know Harry was also by himself.

He didn’t know if his aching heart was more for getting his trust broken, or for the third hole of a missing love in his life.

He just cried anyway, sobs muffled into the pillow as he tried to calm himself and fell asleep on Niall and Zayn’s couch, unable to sleep but still determined to try and get somewhere else and forget about this reality for hours, even though that was just impossible.

He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t think, could barely do daily things like taking a shower, not willing to see his reflection and the marks Harry had left on him, wanting so bad to rip his skin off, collapsing on the tiled floor until someone came looking for him, a half naked pile of broken pieces that nothing could mend.

“Are you sure you don’t want any ?” Zayn asks with a careful voice as he sits next to Louis with a bowl of noodles. Louis sighs and shakes his head weakly, too exhausted to even feel hunger, or form coherent sentences.

The thing was, his exams were the week right after. He had promised Harry to spend the entire week off with him, isolated from everything else, yet here he was, isolating himself from Harry, and unable to open a book.

Liam had been helping a lot with that, moving the study sessions to Niall’s room even though he’d normally stay locked in the library. He’d always come with Sophia who knew how to talk to Louis without him getting mad at himself, and he felt bad being such a burden, but he had no strength to not be.

His friends made sure he was always safe even though he still didn’t feel the need to self destruct, having had enough of dying on repeat without any rest. He can’t even move, so punching a wall, or pushing into his veins, or even shoving two fingers down his throat, just wasn’t on his mind.

All he wanted was to rewind and just not go on that bridge. Or maybe not go talk to Zayn...He can’t decide.

Harry might be a stalker, some kind of messed up sociopath, but what they had couldn’t be faked. What he said couldn’t be rehearsed, and what they did could never be coming from lies.

And, as fucked up as it was, Louis still loved him with everything he had, or at least loved the person he had been with for the past few months, whoever that person was.

His friends had been trying to find more info about him, but no one had a clue who they were talking about. They searched every suicide operators in Bristol and explained their motives, but none of the employees fitted the description. So he had apparently lied about that too. Louis could’ve never been able to tell, and that made him realize how he could have believed every little lie easily. Idiot. He felt like a complete idiot.

Liam had called the family of the Harry in the articles, but his dad immediately hung up and neither his mom nor his sister wanted to talk to complete strangers about him, visibly trying to mourn the loss of their loved one in peace, only stating that they still had hope that he was just missing and would come back one day despite what the journalists said. Besides that, there was no social media account, and just no way to talk to someone who knew him.

So they’d just kind of decided to avoid him at all costs, until they had more information to call the police, given that he hadn’t hurt Louis in any way and couldn’t be handcuffed for having pictures in a house he could pretend isn’t his, since it wasn’t.

Louis hadn’t even tried rethinking about the house in itself. He had confirmed the image of the little girl to be an hallucination. Niall couldn’t see her, and Zayn had slammed the door and only found Niall holding Louis when he passed out.

Niall was sure it was a stupid prank, since nothing could surprise him coming from Harry now, and they had to physically hold Liam to keep him from beating Harry up. They had no clue what that guy was capable of, so they just made sure to keep each other safe.

And at the end of the week, Louis is nothing but a robot.

He had to get himself to study enough to not fail his final year, so he started pretending nothing had happened. He woke up one day and just pretended. He hugged his friends and faked series of smiles as they all watched in bewilderment.

He grabbed some food and joined Liam and Niall to the library, letting his brain focus on laws and definitions instead of him, letting himself talk about silly TV shows instead of him, thinking about everything but him.

By the time the first day of the exams started, Louis was numb to any emotion that may arise. He hadn’t been smiling sincerely or laughing at all, just keeping a straight face and clenching his jaw in every situation.

He writes essays and comes up with defences on fictional cases and surprisingly nails the interviews, until he’s done with everything and free to just go back to spending his days on the couch watching the telly or Youtube, or reading books, until he forgets who he is, where he is, and how he’s doing. He lets his brain confuse reality and fiction, lets himself sink into stories after stories, until he can’t even tell what’s real and what’s the product of his own imagination.

He goes “home” after each exam with his friends, wondering when they’ll kick him out. He did appreciate them welcoming him in the dorms, but he couldn’t spend the rest of his life hidden either.

So when his last day of interviews ends, he thinks about doing something he’ll have to do eventually: go back to his flat.

He tries not to think about it too much as he walks down the road, doesn’t think about it as he gets his mail, doesn’t think about it as he finds his key and opens the door, and doesn’t think about it when he sees bloody dead roses crumbling on his coffee table.

He ignores everything.

He does just as he’s used to, pretending he didn’t lose the main parts of his heart when the ones he loved the most spent ages in his flat to leave enough marks before they disappeared forever.

He thinks about taking his medication, but he hasn’t been taking pills at all, so maybe he can get through this one anyway, completely unable to feel a thing, as cold as his body, as rigid as his constantly clenching jawline, as inhuman as his thoughts.

His phone rings when he walks to the kitchen, and he rolls his eyes. His mom had been staying silent since her visit, only checking on him through short text messages and not insisting when he didn’t text her back.

“Hello ?” He answers, focusing not to sound angry already.

“ _How are you, honey ?”_ Jay asks, and she’s already saying the wrong things somehow.

“Good.”

“ _Oh, okay…I just wanted to talk to you about…Harry…”_ Jay says haltingly. And she was officially trying to get Louis to hang up on her as usual.

“Hm.” Louis simply hums, waiting for what she has to say.

“ _Lottie talked a lot about him to me, and she convinced me to give him a chance…”_

_Fucking wonderful._

“Don’t worry. You won’t have to pretend to be okay with him. We broke up.” Louis announces, and he’d have expected his mom to cry from happiness, but she gasps in sympathy.

“ _I’m so sorry Boo Bear…”_

“No you’re not.”

“ _I know I didn’t show my support…but he made you come out of your flat and do things you hadn’t been doing for so long I thought I had lost you…I can’t be mad at him for saving you, Louis.”_

Of course, his mom had to understand everything when he had already lost it.

“ _Louis ?”_ Jay calls for him as he tries not to sob into the phone.

“I’ll call you later.” Louis hangs up and puts his phone back in his pocket, trying to forget about this conversation that makes him wonder what the fuck he did in his past life. Genocide. He must've been the origin of a bloody genocide to get this much shit thrown at him.

He turns the kettle on and gets a mug out of the cupboard, and makes sure to not choose the ones Harry had been drinking from, getting the one he hates the most but can still handle more than any other.

As he waits for the water to boil, he takes off his hoodie and throws it on the couch, brings his shoes in the entrance, noticing Harry’s are gone. He checks if everything is missing, everything meaning the essentials: laptop on the coffee table, money in the hidden box behind the TV, photo of him and his father…

Thankfully, everything is as he left it, so he relaxes a bit and walks to the hallway. He’s still careful to open the doors slowly, turning on every light before closing the door when he’s sure nothing changed there either.

He walks into his room the same way, turning on the light that shows a bit too much in one go. His bed has been made and he doesn’t even want to touch it, but he craves the sheets at the same time.

Everything Harry had left is not here anymore. And, for some reason, it triggers uncontrollable tears after a week of being stoic and numb, secretly hoping he hadn’t taken his things, secretly hoping he’d still have a hair tie with hair stuck in it, a cologne he could spray everyday to smell him, a pair of jeans he could see just because, rings he could put on and picture Harry smiling because his fingers are too small for them…

He buries his face in his hands and can’t help his shoulders shaking as he painfully sobs, letting out the days worth of sorrow pour in his hands, landing on the carpet as he crashes down, leaning against the bed without getting in it.

He’s sniffling, looking up at the ceiling he would stare at when Harry bit his neck, and he looks away, only to find out there is not an inch of this room he can look at without thinking about that boy.

He brings his knees to his chest and lets his head fall on the bed behind him, punching his heart with his fist, as if to make it just stop beating, stop being so needy, and stop aching so damn much.

He can hear the kettle going off, and he had almost forgotten that useless tea he doesn’t even want anymore.

He gets up and wipes his tears, breathing in as he walks to the kitchen.

He turns the kettle off and throws the water away, putting the mug back into the cupboard. When he closes it, he drops his hands on the counter and keeps his head down, and he tries so _so_ hard to not let his mind trick him into doing something stupid.

He thinks about it though…

He sees the bottles of water and touches his throat, chewing the inside of his cheek and stretching his arm to get one, chugging the water down and planning on getting it right back up, but interrupted by a weak knock on the door.

He figures Mrs Griffith must’ve been worried to death, so he puts the bottle back on the counter and walks to the door.

He checks the peephole, and stops breathing.

Harry is standing there, hands folded on the back of his neck, bags under his eyes and pale skin making Louis wonder if he’s had his life kicked out of him as well. He walks in circles and sits down against Louis’ door, and, when the neighbour comes out and waves at him, Louis figures he might have been doing that every single day in the hope Louis would open that door.

He takes a step back.

He’s not going to open. He does question why Harry is not just walking in since he has a key, but given how he hasn’t been following him when he made it clear he didn’t want him to, and how he got his belongings out, he figures he wasn’t planning on putting on too much of a fight without Louis’ permission.

Maybe he could open though…

Maybe he could just ask him why. Maybe he could just let him explain how he got all these pictures of him and how he managed to get this close to him. He could ask why he’s using the name of a deceased student, and why he’s after him.

But maybe he shouldn’t…

He’s spent so much time alone with him because he felt like the safest place on earth, yet right now it seemed like the most dangerous idea ever.

Harry couldn’t hurt him. He had had the opportunity, but he never did. So Louis walks to the door again and wraps his hand around the doorknob, but rests his forehead against the door, not opening it. Instead, he lets himself sit down, leaning against the door, back to back with Harry on the other side.

He can hear him.

He can hear him sniffle and drop his heavy boots on the floor, just waiting for the door to open. Louis wonders if he can hear him as well. He’s crying just as much, trying so hard  not to move, trying so hard not to just jump into this boy’s arms and pretend nothing’s changed.

They stay like that for hours, silently crying against Louis’ door, making him forget he had planned on spending the night in the dorms.

He should kick him out or call the police, but he’s just sitting there, hoping Harry will stay a little longer.

He doesn’t even know what time it is when he hears the leather boots kick the carpet. He stands up instantly, watching as Harry starts walking down the hall to the stairs.

That’s it, he did it, he thinks. He did the safest thing and let this stranger leave him alone. But it just doesn’t feel like he’s a stranger. Louis still craves his voice and his hands and craves the words murmured in his ear like a bloody cure.

So he doesn’t think, and he opens the door, making Harry turn, both of them frozen, just staring at each other in silence...until Louis steps aside and gestures for Harry to come in.

 

 

*****

 

 

“Um…How have you been ?” Harry asks, voice cautious.

He’s sitting on the couch while Louis is leaning against the wall across from him, crazy enough to let him in but not enough to let him too close. He keeps his eyes on his feet, aware of how just one look into those green eyes could make him not think properly.

“I’ve been.” Louis simply says, jaw clenched, hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You ?”

“Miserable…” Harry sighs and Louis looks up briefly to see him stare at his folded hands in front of him. Harry lifts his head, so Louis gets his back down. “What did I do ?” Harry says with a shaky and weak voice.

Louis doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even know what to say, doesn’t know what Harry actually did, and that’s the whole problem.

“Did Zayn tell you something about me ?” Harry asks, and Louis can just _hear_ how broken he is.

“Why do you think that ?” Louis tries to find out if Harry was watching them then as well. 

“I don’t know…I’ve been going over every possibility, and I still don’t get it…All I know is that you went to see him and then he called me a psycho and kept me away from you.” Harry rubs his hands together as he waits to know what he ruined, as if the hundreds of pictures on his wall and the stolen identity weren’t enough.

“Who’s Harry Styles ?” Louis dares asking and looks at him to detect lies, ignoring the boy's heartbreaking concern with his throat tight, realizing Harry must’ve went over every possible scenario to understand why Louis had suddenly kept him away.

“What ?” Harry frowns.

“I know... I know that guy jumped off the bridge and died. I know you’re keeping pictures of strangers on a wall in the room you tried to hide behind curtains, and I know you’re not who you say you are.”

There’s a long pause where Harry squints and drops his head down, running a hand in his hair before standing up to walk closer to Louis.

“Don’t.” Louis warns.

“You think I’d hurt you ?” Harry frowns.

“No. But I also didn’t think you’d lie so much and be a stalker.”

“I’m not a stalker, Lou.” Harry promises, and Louis wonders how he can lie so well.

“Stop. Please just tell me. I don’t care if you tell me you’re going to kill me and get away with it, I just need to know. I deserve to know who I’ve been trusting with my fucking life.”

Harry bites his lip but nods, as if to accept Louis’ justification for an explanation.

“You won’t believe me.” He says first.

“Try me.”

Harry sits back down on the couch and tugs at his hair before taking a deep breath and talking again, never looking at Louis as he explains himself.

“I didn’t lie all this time. You have to understand that I didn’t have a choice here. I didn’t know any of those people and I didn’t want to hurt any of them, you included, but I had to. It was the deal.”

What ?

“What ?”

“You want the truth, then I’ll give it to you.” Harry sounds honest, so Louis sits down on the floor and just listens, mentally noting everything he has to ask afterwards. And he soon finds out there’s a lot…

The rain has started to come crashing down outside, almost making it hard to fully hear him. Louis is biting on his hands resting on his bent knees, and he focuses not to make Harry shut up before he’s heard all his nonsense.

“I mainly grew up with my mom and sister. My dad stopped being here when I was about six, and my mom always told me he wanted to get in touch, but didn’t want to scare me because he was involved in dodgy stuff, drug addictions and whatnot…”

Louis isn’t sure where this is heading, but he asked for this so he just waits.

“She said he had gone to rehab, so it was better for me to stay away for now. So I did. For twenty one years, I did. I wrote him letters and sent them to the address my mom had given me.”

“I didn’t know him very well, but I remembered us to be like friends, and I just knew we’d get along once he’d come back. So I made sure to make him proud so that, when he’ll come home, then he’d instantly love me. I studied my ass off and was involved in so many things I didn’t even have the time to do anything but work hard on projects.”

“I got over seventy per cent for every tests and graduated as first of every year. Then I got into uni to get a proper job and took care of my mom and sister all this time as my dad would’ve if he was there, making sure he’d thank me, knowing I had his back.”

Harry briefly eyes the window when the rain intensifies, and looks back at his hands as Louis stays silent, just listening.

“When I graduated from uni after the first three years and got my first actual diploma that could get me to get a first job, I was offered a paid internship in a construction company in London, guarantying to be hired later on permanently if I finished business school. My dad used to work in one, so I figured he’d be more than happy to know I had made the legacy live on.”

“I wanted to tell him. My mom kept trying to make me change my mind about visiting him, but I just needed to make sure he knew everything was taken care of. I just thought he was too ill to come back, so I wanted to see him before starting to work in another city and get trapped, unable to see him ever again.”

“When I called the institution, they said they didn’t know any patient with my dad’s name. They searched for him and told me they did have a patient with his name…twelve years ago. He had checked out and moved to Bristol and never mentioned any family.”

“I wanted answers. I yelled at my mom because she clearly knew, and felt betrayed when my sister seemed to know as well. They said they didn’t want me to know because I was too young at the time and then they just didn’t want me to hurt, saying he just didn’t want to come back. But I couldn’t believe them. I thought he’d said that to them, not me.”

“I told my friends I was going to find my dad and just packed my bags to drive over here with a few clothes and my guitar, and followed the address the rehab centre had given me. I thought he hadn’t come back because he didn’t know I’d accept him back. I thought he didn’t want to face my mom who was holding a grudge, my sister who was mad at him…But I needed him to know I wasn’t mad at him for trying to protect us from himself.”

“I found a temporary flat with furniture already in it right near my dad, and figured I might as well just spend a few days there to catch up with him. I actually rehearsed what I’d tell him.” Harry chuckles, but it doesn’t sound amusing at all. “I was just so excited to see him, so excited to finally say that I had a father present in my life again…”

Harry stops for a brief moment, small smile forming as he seemingly replays memories of his childhood in his head. And that’s something Louis can’t say is a lie, because he knows this face. He knows what it is to want to have his dad back. And it’s the hardest thing staying on the floor and not run to hold his hand.

“Anyway, so I walked up to his house, and I noticed the two cars and toys in the garden. The windows were open and…I could hear children laughing. I just thought he had friends over, so I got out of the car, and walked to his door to ring the bell.”

Harry licks his bottom lip and seems to be fighting back tears.

“A woman opened the door. There was a little boy running to hold her legs and, when I asked for my dad, doubting it was the right address, she nodded, saying it was her husband. The little boy asked why I wanted to see his dad with a frown and…and I just didn’t really know how to feel about that.”

Harry is starting to sob and sniffles to get it together and keep telling everything that has, so far, not a hint of pretence.

“I saw a guy who looked about twelve, calling after his dad who walked to him behind the woman and her son. And I saw him.” Harry shakes his head as if he still can’t believe he was so stupid believing his dad didn’t have another life after all this time.

“He looked just fine, didn’t even have one wrinkle, as if his drug addiction was too far behind to even leave any traces. He hugged the boy and walked to the door to ask who I was. He didn’t recognize me at all. I saw the green of his eyes and saw mine in them, but he just didn’t notice the same.”

“So I just said I got the wrong address. I let the woman close the door and ran back to my car. I called my mom and she finally told me everything, how he just didn’t want me in his life to begin with, how he had asked for my mom to not keep me and my sister, and how he had left to Bristol first chance he got, only sending a letter when he was already gone.”

“It was all just lies. My mom just thought it was less painful for me to not know the truth about him. I loved him so much and sent so many letters updating him on everything…but she just kept up the lie and figured it was just too late and that I’d forget about him at some point. And I really wish I had. She made me believe he’d come back, and I was holding on to it so hard…”

Harry looks up and scrunches his nose, but it's not because of laughter so it's nothing but painful to watch, tears streaming down his cheeks as he speaks and tries not to break apart.

“I was lost, completely crushed and overwhelmed by everything. It was just…too much, I guess. It’s like everything I had done so far, everything I had achieved, was for nothing. It was like I was nothing but what I wanted him to like, not realizing there was no way to get him back no matter what.”

“I decided to drive around for hours and hours until the middle of the night, and stopped when I saw the bridge. All I wanted was some fresh air. I never meant to jump. I wasn’t planning on it anyway…I really just wanted to feel completely out of here, just for a moment.”

Harry is talking as if to make sure Louis believes that, begging him to hear him out, begging him to understand how he really didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

“I walked out of my car and leaned against the barriers and just cried, thinking about how all these years I had been motivated by a complete lie, just an illusion. I felt like such an idiot, and I was starting to think my dickhead of a dad was right wishing I was never born.”

“I climbed the same way you did. I breathed in, but then I heard something behind me. I didn’t think much of it though, and tried to focus to just end the pain I was feeling. And I jumped.”

Louis is a bit confused. If he actually jumped, why is he sitting in front of him completely fine ? It doesn't sound like a lie, but he had some spare time and could have taken a while to come up with this…right ?

“When I opened my eyes, I wasn’t where I thought I’d be…I was lying on the pavement on the bridge, and there was a man waiting for me to get up. He looked like a stain from afar. I thought he had saved me, and I was strangely very thankful, because it made me realize how much I didn’t actually want to die. I was just blinded by pain.”

“I’m not sure what actually happened after that…but I was just seeing all black and my heart was hurting like Hell. I was screaming and felt like I was dying or something. When the darkness was gone, I was facing the guy dressed in all black. He started talking shit, saying he’d chosen me...”

“For what ?” Louis finds himself asking after his long silence.

“To help him with his task so I could keep living. I didn’t really get it, until his eyes went fucking black and he opened his mouth and I nearly fainted looking at that monster. I thought I was dreaming, having the worst nightmare, but it felt so real, it had to be.”

“He told me he’d put death inside of me and that, if I wanted my life back, I had to make sure to give him enough broken souls, make sure the next ten people on his list died, and he’d then give my life back.”

“Harry…” Louis sighed, a bit exhausted hearing so much bullshit all the time, but Harry just keeps going.

“And I agreed. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want those people to die either, but I had a life, I may have had doubted it for a split second, but as soon as he told me I couldn’t have it anymore, I was suddenly begging to have it back, ready to do anything he wanted me to do.”

“So I did it. I was given information on everyone who’d be walking on that bridge, or buy a gun to shoot themselves, or anything to purposefully end their lives…It was months worth of data to know how to indirectly push them with the right words, get into their head to convince them when in doubt...I felt awful afterwards I just stopped feeling human. It was like, even if I’d ever come back, I wouldn’t even be myself enough anymore.”

“I kept telling myself I had nothing to do with it, and I rarely intervened, just let them go on with their life, but it was killing me knowing I could’ve saved them instead of just watching them end it. So I found the job in that suicide operator offices, or sort of…I couldn’t really say who I was or have them find out, so I kind of sneaked into the offices when I could and picked a few ringing phones to save more people than I would let die.”

“Pretending this is the truth…” Louis says, unwillingly giving into his curiosity. Of course he did not think this was true, but he also didn’t think he’d see fucking Amelia in that house - since the hallucination theory had just went to waste hearing everything - so you know... “…why didn’t you just let me jump ?”

“I did.”

Louis raises a brow.

“I didn’t do anything to dissuade you. I even tried pushing you saying things I thought would make you slip. I had spent a lot of time trying to figure out who you were, but it’s like all the things I thought about you just weren’t true. I thought challenging you to do it would make you jump, but then it turned out you actually just wanted someone to dare you to do it to not…do it, too fucking stubborn even for your own idea.”

“Hey !” Louis frowns. Harry tilts his head on the side, making Louis roll his eyes. He’s not stubborn, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s told, that’s all.

“Then I kind of grew to like you…I was alone and it was nice hanging out with someone again. I knew what had happened to you, but I didn’t know who you were really…So I figured it wasn’t that bad to know before you tried to kill yourself again.”

“How did you know I was going to ?”

“It’s all written. I was given dates in advance, I didn’t write them down as they happened." Louis does remember the note with the several dates on it, and shakes a bit.  "I took care of everyone else and you were the only one left, so I only kept your dates up on the board.”

“But it says I’ll do it at the end of this month…And I’m not planning on it…” Louis says in total confusion.

“I never know how it’ll happen. All I know is where and when, not how. If I look very carefully I can see what’ll happen to someone in the future, but I just never got to find out for you…It's like your fate was blocked for me or something...”

“It doesn’t make sense though. You saved me that day from the bus…” Louis is going insane trying to pretend this is actually happening. He doesn’t even listen to every single thing, trying to get every answer he needs first.

“Yeah…because I understood that you weren’t what you were portrayed as. You were nothing like the guy I saw on the pictures. You just…I don’t know…Something felt different. And I just didn’t want you to die.”

“But what about your deal ? Why would you save me and stay dead…or whatever you are ?” Louis sighs hearing the words he’s saying right now.

“I saw the dates. I knew you’d be trying again anyway, so I figured I might as well keep hanging out with you, making sure you wouldn’t die not knowing how it was to live. I know it sounds awful to hide that from you, but I just wanted to talk to you more, get to know you and just…see you smile…It was making me forget what I was doing myself and you just made everything…bearable…”

“And you just pretended to be my friend ? And then fucking asked me to be your boyfriend ?!”

“I didn’t…I was…ugh.” Harry groans. “I didn’t mean to keep so much from you. I liked you right when we talked, and then I figured I could save you from the last thing written on my board and just figure out a way to talk to the shadow. I was planning on telling you the first night you came to the house, seeing how passionate you were about dark stuff, but then you looked so scared finding out about Amelia, I thought there was no way you’d accept who I really was. I was already planning to get away from you, but then we kissed, and I just knew I’d never be able to respect the deal.”

“But then you’d stay dead…”

“I’d rather stay dead and wander around here than watch you die.” Harry mutters under his breath.

The room is suddenly very silent, the sound of the rain still as heavy against the glass windows, doors slamming with the wind.

Louis doesn’t know what to think.

Should he believe him ? Is he mentally ill and convinced himself of all those things to get away with murder ? Was what they had suddenly less of what Louis thought ? Or more ? Should he kick him out ? Call a mental health institution ? Go sit next to him to hold him tight ?

It sort of explained babies and dogs being afraid of him given that he’d been cursed or whatever by a sort of Grim Reaper, probably giving the worst impression to the innocent lives and the animals who could probably just smell death on him. And let’s pretend this sounds totally rational and doesn’t make Louis question his own sanity.

Maybe that also explained how he just knew what it was like to regret dying, or how he’d smile staring at people who were rude to Louis, probably finding out they’d pay for their behaviour, or why he’d seen those black eyes he tried so hard to forget…

But it was still nonsense and Louis was not buying it. He was a little bit, but not completely.

“What about the mansion ? What’s up with that ?”

“Well, I obviously couldn’t stay in the rented flat since I was reported as dead and all…I just kept the few things I had in my car and slept in it until someone found it and notified the authority who had to tow it. I did stay in the streets for a while, until I found the house. It’s not like I could get a new place since I couldn’t pay with my credit card and expose myself when I had to be discrete.”

“Weren’t you scared though ?” Louis asks, as if a dead guy among the living would be scared of an abandoned house.

“I was. But I had seen death right in front of my face. So it really was nothing for me at this point. I sneaked into my dad’s house to get his king sized bed because I figured he sort of owed me, and I moved in. Then I met Amelia, and we agreed on sharing the house as long as I played with her and her dolls and told her bedtime stories. I was the only one capable of actually seeing her, so she didn't protest too much as long as I was nice."”

“She told me about her family and I figured his dad might have encountered the same kind of guy - or whatever he was - compelling him to kill his wife and kill himself right after for some reason.  I’d noticed how he never touched children, so maybe he wasn’t planning on Amelia dying, so he kept her in the house, making her live forever in some way…I never asked though. I was too afraid he’d tell me that’s what happened when you don’t respect the deal or something…There seemed to be a few of those shadows as well, and there might be such a complicated arrangement between them, I didn't want to find out if others were worse than him.”

Talking about that makes Louis think about something that he’s afraid to ask, but probably should.

“But I saw her as well…”

“Did you ?” Harry frowns. “You’re not supposed to…I know you can hear and feel her presence, but you can’t actually see her unless you have abnormal darkness inside of you. I was told I could only see her because I had death in me. I know I said you could meet her, but I meant it as a joke. I knew she’d never come out of her room anyway.”

Louis gulps.

“I’m alive though. And I’m telling you I saw her, so it’s not adding up.” He can still see the long blond hair and gets the shivers just rethinking about it.

He also thinks about the fortune teller warning him about being in contact with death. And maybe he finds it less funny right now. Was that what she meant ? Was she trying to warn him about Harry ? Had Harry just spread death in him by…being in him ? Had he literally just fucked the life out of him ? Louis would’ve never imagined saying that in such a serious tone, but he was definitely considering it.

“I don’t know everything…But I can prove what I’m saying.”

“How ?” Louis is not sure he wants to know if that’s real or not now that he can have proof.

Couldn’t they just theorize and talk to a therapist ? Couldn’t they pretend it was all a big prank and go sleep to wake up completely normal again ? That’d be much appreciated, Louis thinks.

Harry gets up and walks towards Louis, and he’s suddenly slightly more scared than he was when he opened that door. He watches him as he sits down next to him and focuses not to run. He’s a normal person. He’s human and completely fine, he’s just a little bit crazy up there in his brain, that’s all.

He believes him, but he can’t. So he just keeps pretending he’s a hundred per cent alive and mad.

“Hand me your phone.” Harry says, stretching his hand. Louis hesitates but gives it to him, and looks at him as he opens the front camera.

And oh. Right.

He takes several pictures and then hands the phone to Louis who nearly vomits out of angst. He watched him do it. He watched him touch that button and watched him angle that phone right on his face. Yet there’s nothing but a white wall in those photos.

“What the fuck are you ?!” Louis stands up to get far from him, suddenly considering everything he heard tonight without a doubt.

“I’m…I’m Harry. I’m exactly who you’ve been with. I just happen to be slightly less alive than other people…” Harry stands up as well and takes a few steps forward, but Louis takes a few steps back.

“Are you going to kill me ?” Louis is starting to panic.

“No ! I’d never do that ! I didn’t lie Lou, I love you. It’s because I love you that I am the way I am still. I was chased by the shadow when He found out I was secretly saving lives and making sure to keep you alive as well. I wouldn’t risk it if I was going to kill you anyway…” Harry is pleading, walking after Louis who goes to his bedroom to get his house phone, not very keen on walking over to the wall again to get his mobile.

He can’t even dial the right numbers because of how much his fingers are trembling. When he finally gets one number though, the others follow, and he’s about to press the call button when he hears a familiar note.

He turns to see Harry sitting behind his piano, playing the right hand part of the solo from Tim Burton’s movie, the one he had spent hours teaching him.

It sounds incomplete without the left hand playing, and it’s driving Louis a bit crazy. Harry’s getting every note perfectly right, and Louis tries hard to push the green button, but he puts the phone down.

He sits down next to Harry and lets him finish the solo before starting again, letting him join with his left hand.

They play the melody beautifully, fingers moving in sync, flowing over the keys as flying feathers blown by the softest wind. And when they’re finished, they do it again. And when it’s finished, they start over.

They play until their fingers are aching, play until the melody is ringing in their ears, until their veins are filled with the music and their heads are spinning trying to repeat the same gesture over and over again.

Louis starts crying by the sixth time, hitting the keys harder as he follows Harry and speeds up when he does, and slows down when his hands stops fighting the fear of missing a note, and he lets their hands brush when the keys are too close.

His hand is hurting so much he’s sure he’ll have a cramp, but he keeps going. They both keep going as if it’s all they have left, as if the world would end if they dared stop playing, saying everything they can’t put into words every time they touch the keys.

When they finish for the tenth time and Louis gets his hand off the keyboard, he looks down at his lap and wonders why the hell he’s sitting so close to Harry, sitting right next to a kind of bloody death angel. He always thought of him as an angel, he just didn’t know he was the evil kind.

He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, just stays there.

He doesn’t say anything or do anything either when Harry rests his hand on his thigh. He doesn’t either when Harry cups his cheek to make him face him, and he doesn’t either when he presses their lips together, always making Louis forget everything else to focus on those silky lips and this warm tongue that feel like home.

He lets him part his lips and he lets him explore his mouth as he usually does, feeling like a part of him is slowly coming back, as if he’s living again, and he really wonders how the boy kissing him could be filled with such darkness when all he gives Louis is the brightest light.

“I can’t.” Louis suddenly shakes his head and pulls away, coming back to his senses enough to remember how wrong this is.

“Baby…”

_Ouch._

“You can’t blame me, Haz.” Louis sighs and looks at him, tucking a lock of hair behind the boy’s ear, making him close his eyes as if to memorize how that feels, having been deprived of it and probably about to never feel it ever again.

“I know.” Harry purses his lips and takes Louis’ hand, still holding onto his hair. “Please just know that I love you.  Always will. And I’ll be around if you ever need me, making sure you cross the road properly and keep anything evil away from you.”

He kisses Louis’ palm and looks so vulnerable, so damn honest and fragile, Louis doesn’t know how to not keep him tight against him and just make him stay. He needs him to go, but he wants him to stay by his side, no matter what paranormal shape he’s in or for how long, or for whatever reason he has.

He stands up, making Harry sigh at the loss of contact, and gestures for him to walk to the door to let him go.

Harry kisses him one last time before taking a step outside.

But then Louis grabs his hand and pulls him back to him, and kisses him back.

It gets a bit confusing from there. They just keep saying goodbye and kissing, stepping away and then walking back to each other, until they’re just walking back inside the flat, tripping over a wandering shoe that makes them fall on the carpet, with Louis lying on top of Harry between his legs, kissing him and massaging his scalp.

He looks down at him and sees a part of him he never had, a part of him that needed as much comfort as Louis had when he met him. He looks at the shining emeralds and just wants to give back, even if it means never being able to see him again because, despite everything, Harry still saved him. He still got him back to a life he never knew he’d be enjoying again, and he really wants to thank him and just _give back_.

He leans back down to kiss him and licks his bottom lip before sucking on the tip of his tongue as he slides his hands under his shirt. Harry raises a brow as if to ask if Louis is sure, but he shushes him with a soft kiss on his cheek and waits for him to help out getting rid of their clothes.

Louis knows this. He knows how to do this. He’s done it before and, even if Harry isn’t the regular type he usually does it to, he knows he’s not that different. The only thing that changes is how he actually wants to do it this time, how his skin aches to touch Harry’s, and how he’d very much like to please him in a way only _he_ can, feeling him entirely just one last time.

He starts grinding on him and waits to feel him well enough under him to stroke his length, and watches as Harry closes his eyes and breathes in his touch.

Louis gets on his knees and brings Harry with him, making him sit in front of him to suck him off and get him slick enough. The boy is happy to and purrs as Louis runs a hand in his hair while he bobs his head and sucks sloppily, letting Louis gently pull at his hair to make him lie back down.

Louis looks deep into Harry’s eyes as he sucks on two fingers and brings them around Harry’s hole, making him whimper as he eases his way in when the boy lifts his hips slightly, spreading him out with three fingers before lying completely on top, teasing with the tip of his cock, making Harry smirk because he knows why he’s doing that - getting the taste of his own medicine - before finally sliding in, enjoying the way the boy wraps around him better than any girl before.

He starts moving gently and lets Harry dig the heels of his feet into his bum briefly as he sways his hips and fills him entirely, until he’s wincing and holding on to Louis’ biceps, curling his toes as Louis speeds up, quickly fucking him the way he figures Harry would like: gentle but deep.

He knew Harry liked soft touches on him even though he always made sure Louis was in slight pain. He knew it by the way he always took his hand to just caress his own cheek, knew it by the way he purred when Louis massaged his scalp, knew it by the way he smiled more for simple kisses on his neck rather than bites on his hips.

He can't help cupping Harry's cheek and rub his thumb against those red lips, making the boy kiss it as he stares back with shiny and lustful green stones.

“O-okay ?” Louis is panting, trying hard not to bruise Harry physically when he’s scarred emotionally.

Harry nods and smiles, making Louis kiss his forehead as he keeps thrusting into his boy, keeping his thighs up and giving soft kisses in the crook of his neck, hand lazily stroking his hair as he moans and takes Louis peacefully, dragging his hand down Louis’ back to squeeze his arse, leaving his hands there just to feel him go in and out of him.

He can feel Harry clench around him and drops his head next to his, reaching between them to slide his hand up and down Harry’s cock so they can come together. He lifts his head back up and leans on his elbow as he watches him when he purposefully gets deep enough with a harsh thrust, lashes fluttering and mouth insanely beautiful as they get high on their own cloud together when he reaches his prostate a few more times, making Harry wet his torso as Louis drips inside of him, moans blending into a melody sweeter than what they had played earlier.

Once they’re back down, Louis gets up to clean them with a wet towel, and lets Harry snuggle up to his chest when he lies back down, suddenly very aware that his heart is just not beating. This boy had tried to tell him so many times, tried to make him understand bringing his hand to his non beating heart, but Louis’ was always so loud he just never noticed.

“What about your family ?” Louis asks after a while when Harry his circling his fingers on his torso.

“I can hear them sometimes. If I really want to. I can hear them when they come visit the tribute they made for me. I can hear them when they pray for me to come back, and I can hear what they say when they think about me hard enough.”

“And you can’t go see them ?”

“No. I can’t get away from here without finishing what I started. And I don’t want to risk not respecting one more rule.”

Louis doesn’t ask anything else. He keeps stroking Harry’s head and lets him caress his chest, making the most of the last time he’ll get to fall asleep next to him.

“I love you…” Harry says, and Louis wants so bad to say it back, wants him to know, but he stays silent, only opening his mouth when Harry is snoring lightly.

And maybe it’s for the best.

 

*****

 

 

“I found a detective that could track him down, mate !” Liam announces as he joins his friends in Zayn’s room.

“Great ! Now we just need to ambush him at the mansion !” Niall says excitedly.

They had been spending so much time planning how Harry would get locked up, but Louis didn’t think of it as such a good plan. It may have been because there was no way Harry wasn’t capable of escaping anyway, because they had no real proof of harassment if he took the board down, or maybe because he loved him, and hurting him wasn’t an idea he was comfortable with.

He hadn’t told his friends about seeing him again and hearing the truth. He didn’t know how to say it without them calling Louis’ psychiatrist and force him to take pills he didn’t need to cure troubles he didn’t have.

Harry was real and, even though he was still trying to come to that conclusion, he knew deep down that he deserved to be left alone. He was letting Louis live even if it meant staying dead himself, stuck with the living he couldn’t even really interact with, so maybe he could do that one favour for him.

“Maybe we should just let it go…” Louis mumbles.

He says the words he’s been repeating since the morning he woke up after spending the night with Harry on the carpet of his living room. He had fallen asleep holding him tight against his chest, and had woken up alone, tucked up in his bed with a pre made breakfast for one in the kitchen, with a note.

 

_I love you, always._

_Harry_

And maybe this could go with the other notes he had left the first time he spent the night, neatly folded in Louis’ nightstand drawer.

“What ?! Tommo, that guy is a creep. You’re not safe as long as he’s around.” Zayn almost shouts to make Louis understand what he needs to do.

“He’s not going to hurt me, or you. I know he won’t. He left me a note telling me he’d never come after me again. So can we just go back to our lives and pretend none of this happened ? Please ? I know he won’t be bothering me anymore so it’s fine.” Louis insists.

“Are you sure ?” Niall asks, sounding so caring Louis wants to hug him at all times.

“Yes. I just want to move on. Now let’s go get some food, I’m starving !”

They go out and Louis tries his best to forget the date. He hasn’t been checking the calendar on his phone, too terrified to even think about it.

_May 25 th_

He sees on the screen and cusses, eating his meal with his friends and talking way too much to cope with the fact that tomorrow he’s supposed to have his next near death experience…or die.

What if Harry didn’t come after all ? What if he decided to let Louis die to be free ? He had no obligations to let Louis live his life while his was forever on hold, so maybe Louis was freaking out slightly, and maybe he could get those mozzarella sticks…you know, might as well get a great potential last meal and all…And that just makes him wonder if Harry used his abnormal skills to get the little demon that once made him miserable get out of his head, or if he once was that little demon trying to kill him right before they met.

He’s thinking about it so much he doesn’t even notice Nathalie joining them in the hall when they go back to the dorms.

“Hi Louis !” She smiles, too big for Louis’ liking. He likes her, but this is just not the right time.

“Hi.”

“Haven’t seen you in a while…” She clears her throat, as if she’d been thinking about him all this time. They did have regular hook ups before Harry, but surely she’d understood he wasn’t into it anymore.

“Yeah…” Louis purses his lips and nods, trying to make her feel like he just wants to go upstairs and sleep.

“You should come over sometime…you know…like before ?” She asks shyly, and Louis feels like a complete arse for never noticing she might feel something for him. He was always so sure no one could like him like that, but it was so clear now how she looked at him, and he felt even worse responding.

“Look Nat’…You’re a great girl. But I’m not…I’m…I’m gay.” He sighs. But this time it's not because it was hard to admit, he just wished he could say that he's just in love with someone already, who just happen to be a guy.

“What ?!” She looks shocked, as if she had hope he’d somehow fall for her or something.

“I’m sorry. I mean I’m not sorry for liking guys but…I’m sorry I gave you false hope or something…” Louis looks over his shoulder to give a helpless look to Zayn and Niall, who immediately come to his rescue.

“Hey Nathalie !” Niall hugs her and starts a conversation she’s quick to find interest in, saving Louis from this awkward talk until they finally get to the dorm room.

He doesn’t sleep that night.

He keeps thinking about his and Harry’s goodbyes, keeps thinking about how he’d honestly rather keep Harry in his life and accept that he’s just something else and pretend it’s not as bizarre as it is.

But how could he explain to his friends that he was accepting him back ? How could he introduce him to anyone knowing they might realize he was the allegedly dead guy from the bridge ? How could he think about a future when Harry was stuck, unable to grow, unable to live, unable to be normal and share an actual life with him ?

He doesn’t even know when he started crying. He just wants him back. His heart has been aching so much he’s sure it’ll stop pretty soon out of exhaustion. He can’t bear it, can’t handle the pain, can’t live with this on his mind.

He just loves him so much, it fucking _hurts_. It hurts not being able to be with him even when every bone is screaming to go find him. It hurts that the only one he truly trusted, the only one he felt himself around, the only one he ever genuinely loved, and whom loved him no matter what, was now a forbidden territory.

So he keeps crying.

His head is exploding from crying so hard, his chest is burning, his throat is too tight, his whole body is going numb, and bringing his knees to his chest to make it stop doesn’t do anything. All he can do is just feel how much it hurts, and how little strength he has left to cope with that.

 

 

*****

 

 

**_May 26 th _ **

 

Louis doesn’t dare going outside.

He has no clue how that note could be right when he’s hiding in the dorms with no intention of getting out.

He secretly wants to go to just see him again, but he might not show up, and Louis might really think about jumping knowing he’d never see this boy again, so maybe locking himself in Zayn’s room is wiser.

His friends had plans for a party held to celebrate the end of the exams and had invited him, but he really didn’t want to risk finding himself on that bridge at three in the morning by accident.

So he just makes himself some tea, given that the fridge is completely empty, and goes to bed, falling asleep half glad to stay alive, half regretting not going to jump and end the pain that’s been killing him anyway, and saving Harry’s life at the same time.

 

**_1: 45 am_ **

 

Louis wakes up from a nightmare, panting and sweating a bit. He saw his dad, his dog, and Harry, all disappearing in a black hole as he yelled, begging for them to come back, to no avail.

He can hear his stomach growl and winces, feeling a bit dizzy without enough food in him.

He walks to the kitchen and keeps searching, but there’s just nothing eatable. He could run quickly to the all-night minimarket down the road though…He is quite hungry and weak right now, and there’s only so much Yorkshire tea can fix.

He grunts and changes in his sweats and hoodie, grabbing his Vans on the way out with his wallet.

The wind his freezing but there’s no rain, so Louis walks down the road, making sure he’s not followed or anything because he’s been feeling watched ever since he saw those pictures.

He enters the shop and nods with a smile to the cashier before heading to the sandwich aisle. He chooses a chicken pie as well because he’s starving, and grabs a cookie on his way to the cashier.

He pays and takes his bag to walk out, and cusses when he feels the first raindrop, lifting his hood up to go back to the dorms.

He’s near the bus stop in front of the dorms when he feels someone behind him and turns around, only seeing bushes shaking in the wind.

He keeps walking and takes a deep breath.

_Paranoid. You’re just paranoid. You’re not going to die._

He speeds up when he feels it again, not daring turning back as he starts jogging, rushing to the dorms as quickly as he can, hearing the person - or whatever it is  -behind him rush as well to catch him. And no, he definitely do not need to be reminded that he had promised to exercise unsuccessfully, because it’d be fucking useful right now.

He tries to get to the building, but a small tree randomly crashes in his way, and he’s too panicked to take the time to climb it, and the growing fog is blinding him, making it impossible to be sure if he’s in fact heading in the right direction.

He just keeps running, dropping his bag of food as he feels the rain slap his face, wondering why he isn’t at the dorms yet when he’s been running for this long.

When the fog finally dissipates, he just wants to wake up.

He ended up in the middle of the bridge he’d been trying to avoid so much, breathless and incapable of running anymore, legs giving up as he turns around and just thinks about it.

He starts crying in fear and just doesn’t want to experience what’s happening.

He turns to his left from where he’d been running, and sees the weird guy from that one night in the bus, not even running, gliding towards Louis with a shadow behind him.

He turns to his right and sees Harry running towards him, boots hitting the cement like chains.

He looks back and forth between them and panics, wondering who will get to him first.

When they’re both closer to him, Harry shouts, quickly shielding Louis from the shadow man Grim Reaper thing, crying as he begs him not to kill him.

“Please no !” 

“We had a deal. If you can’t do it, I’ll do it myself. I tried warning you !” ‘James’ says.

“But maybe I can let someone else die ? I’d do anything you want, just don’t hurt him, please !” Harry is keeping protective hands in front of Louis who can’t understand how this boy would rather spend an eternal ‘life’ in misery rather than to have him die.

“Let him do it, Harry.” Louis murmurs, making his shield turn in horror.

“What ?”

“I can’t live with this. I can’t go on knowing I’m the reason you’re not living. It was my fault thinking suicide was ever the answer, and I have to take full responsibility for it, not you.” Louis sobs.

“But you don’t want to die…And I thought about the same solution, you’re not less worthy than me.” Harry frowns.

“Maybe, but it’d kill me anyway knowing I had a chance to set you free and didn’t.”

They stare at each other as the rain keeps pouring, wet hair falling in their eyes as they cry. Louis turns to face ‘James’ and wipes his tears to show how serious he is about what he’s about to ask.

“If I jump, will he live again ?” Louis asks.

The man thing shrugs and nods so Louis takes a deep breath and looks one last time at Harry who’s crying so much his green stones have turned red.

“Don’t do this…” His lips are shaking trying to keep Louis right here. He shakes his head and frowns, and turns to talk to the shadow. “Let me go. Take _me_. I’m already dead for everyone else anyway. _I_ should be the one dying.”

“Har-“

“Fair enough.” James agrees.

Louis looks with his mouth agape as Harry takes a few steps away from him and waits for the darkness to take him away. Louis can’t move, can’t react, trying to come up with the right words to make that James hear him instead of the boy he cursed.

He watches as he lifts his hands, rain and wind violently making Louis sway and squint as he tries to just figure out what to do.

“Wait !” He suddenly shouts and runs to Harry to kiss him, crying as he leans closer to his ear to whisper something he's never said in his entire life, something he couldn’t bear not saying to this boy at least once. “ _I love you._ ”

**_3:00 am_ **

He faces him one last time to see him smile through the tears, and watches him fall in his arms to scream in pain, squirming on the ground as he holds his heart, noises making Louis drop to his knees.

When he stops moving, completely still on the pavement part of the bridge, the rain falters and the wind stops, fog letting place to a clear sky and a silent night. Silent, except for the sound of Louis crying as he holds Harry in his arms, wondering why he had to witness so many deaths and still be here, how he could have the only one he’s ever loved this hard taken away from him, and just stay there, powerless, with no explanation as to why he deserved that.

He keeps Harry’s head on his lap, stroking his face, cupping his cheek and tucking the hair behind his ear, looking at the lifeless boy that had somehow fixed his broken heart and made him a person he finally loved being.

He waits for a while, but the feeling doesn’t go away. He can’t breathe, can’t get his heart to stop hurting, and can’t handle this. He’s just not strong enough anymore for this kind of agony.

So he kisses Harry’s forehead softly, crying in his face before carefully laying him down completely on the ground, and stands up, wiping his tears with the back of his hands, noticing James is nowhere near them. He’s just gone. He took away Harry’s soul, and left Louis alone on that bloody bridge.

And Louis can’t take it.

He walks to the small barriers and climbs them without hesitation. He just knows he won’t survive this one. He couldn’t possibly cope with this outside a mental health centre where he’d take enough medication to numb him and turn him into a vegetable until he finally gets his rest. And that’s just not how he wants it, especially if his brain could still work and his memory flash before his eyes.

So he closes his eyes, and lets go of the bars.

 

 

*****

 

 

Louis was so sure to be already fading into the water by now, but he’s held by his arms instead, someone trying to pull him back up. He looks up to see Harry fighting to get him back on the bridge and he’s confused, but he fights as well, both of them struggling until they fall on the pavement.

“What ? Wh- but you were…” Louis stutters, touching Harry’s face to make sure he is in fact breathing under him.

“I don’t know either. But…” Harry takes Louis’ hand and brings him to his heart. His _beating_ heart.

Louis widens his eyes in shock and just cries, smiling and kissing Harry abruptly, both of them holding each other tight.

“I love you. I love you I love you I love you.” Louis cries in Harry’s neck as the latter holds the back of his head in his hand and wraps the other arm around his back.

“I love you too.”

They’re not sure why they’re still both there, or why Harry is back to life, or why it’s not raining anymore…but they don’t care for now. They’re together, alive, and the longer they kiss, the better they feel, as if all the bad memories were being washed away, the sun rising over them, bringing a light they feel inside of them, gradually oblivious as to why they are currently lying in the middle of the bridge and not ascending into Hell, or Heaven, or ‘The Other Side’.

But they don’t question it. Not yet.

They figure what matters is that there is a bright sun after months of cloudy weather, their two beating hearts, and quite possibly nothing to keep them apart.

They know they have a lot to think about, have a lot to explain, and have a lot to look forward to, but the only thing they can say isn’t really what they’d expect after what happened.

“I’m hungry.”

They both giggle because it’s just better to laugh it off right now, and just make their way to the street, holding hands as they both share unspoken thoughts trying to just comprehend what the hell happened.

“I love you.” Louis smiles as he squeezes Harry’s hand, and the latter makes them stop, because he’s hungry, but maybe food can wait when he gets to lift Louis on a short wall to kiss him and tell him just how much he loves him back, and how happy he is to finally be able to bring his hand to his heart to show how loud it’s beating just for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cough* *cough* any questions ? 
> 
> There's only one chapter left that'll probably go up within the next two days :)
> 
> Don't hesitate to leave any details you're not sure about, I'll be happy to answer if you don't want to leave it to interpretation...
> 
> xx


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii
> 
> So this is it…the end of that rollercoaster that had me sobbing haha
> 
> It's the shortest chapter ever because it's extremely summed up, but I really hope you get all your questions answered in this chapter, but if you don't you can always ask me on here or twitter or tumblr and I'll be happy to answer :)
> 
> I've done a post on Tumblr if you want to share :) (see the end notes)
> 
> PS: I listened to Through The Dark yesterday and I nearly screamed because it goes so well with this story so…yeah…just thought I'd mention it !
> 
> Enjoy the end of the ride <3
> 
> xx
> 
> Mel

“Hey, Harry ! Look at this !” Niall shouts, grunting with a crepe he had put holes into to use as a mask, pretending to be a zombie across the blanket and encouraging Harry to do the same.

“You’re kids.” Nathalie rolls her eyes.

Harry turns to Louis sitting next to him and slides his hand around his hip to pull him to his side.

“Kiss me.” He pouts with the crepe on his face.

Louis smiles fondly and rolls his eyes, but he kisses him nonetheless, munching on a chunk of dough as he pulls away.

Harry drops the crepe to laugh and wraps his arms around Louis, making him fall on the grass behind them, nuzzling into his neck as they hear Niall laugh loud. They stay like that, lying under the bright sun of August.

“When are you guys leaving again ?” Liam asks when he realizes they’re not going to sit back up.

“On Wednesday.” Louis shouts, still trapped by Harry’s body.

“Perfect ! We’re going on Friday.” Sophia claps her hands excitedly.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” Niall whines, lying down to rest his head on Nathalie’s lap, surely enjoying the way she plays with his hair.

“But we’re only going for a week, we’ll be back in no time !” Liam tries to comfort his friend.

“I was obviously talking to Louis and Harry…” Niall huffs.

“We’ll come back for you Nialler, don’t worry !” Louis promises. “It’s only a few hours away. And you two can come visit whenever.”

“Yeah definitely, I’ve always wanted to go to London.” Nathalie says happily, rubbing Niall’s tummy under his shirt.

“Alright…” Louis’ friend groans in defeat.

They spend the afternoon chatting and enjoying an all couple outing on the grass around snacks like homemade crepes and waffles sold a few feet away, enjoying the end of summer before the stressful part of the year starts again.

If you had told Louis a year ago that he’d be lying on the grass of a crowded park in the middle of the day, enjoying the sun and over-four-hundred-calories food with his friends and his _boy_ friend...he probably would have laughed in your face.

Even just a few months ago he was so sure his life had ended, that it was it, no chances of making it worthwhile, no chances of smiling again. But here he was after everything that had happened to him, laughing loud and enjoying a sunny day because Harry had made him realize how important it was to just be able to breathe.

They didn’t need to explain themselves to Louis’ friends after the night everything happened.

Death must be really clever to not have the secrecy of ‘the shadows’ exposed, because It made sure Niall, Liam and Zayn didn’t remember anything that could be compromising. They just vaguely recalled Louis and Harry breaking up because of the secrets when they found out the articles, but that was it. No memory of the house, the pictures, the ‘prank’…it was like it’d never happened for them. And Louis and Harry weren’t complaining about that. They sort of wished they had forgotten as well, but at the same time it reminded them of why they were so damn happy to just see the sky and not whatever it is you see when you’re dead.

They figured the shadow didn’t erase their memory but could show up whenever if they dared saying anything, so they agreed to just stay quiet about it.

The articles were still brought up, but Harry had explained how he was actually a missing person and not dead, wanting to get away from his life and taking advantage of a rumour to stay away for a while, until he met Louis, explaining his will to not talk about his life too much and lying about being in their uni, as he hadn’t planned on anyone knowing he was from elsewhere and quickly connecting the dots.

Louis was glad to see them believe everything and even found himself slowly purposefully forgetting about a few details, feeling like parts of this relationship were better left as bad dreams…the overwhelmingly scary parts anyway. 

They had agreed to keep it for themselves and just never talk about it again, even with each other.

They still didn’t know how they could possibly be alive at the same time, checked several times by taking too many pictures of themselves and feeling their hearts beat loud as they cried from relief.

They kept expecting a surprise appearance from the shadows, but nothing ever happened, so they sort of decided to stop thinking about it and move on with their life while they still could. It wasn’t easy to just forget, but now they could come to each other to stay sane.

Louis had encouraged Harry to get in touch with his family again, and he held his hand as the boy cried just hearing his mom on the phone when he said hello. He didn’t want to just show up to her door after all this time and have her pass out, so he called, explained as much as he could, and apologized, and, to his surprise, she didn’t care why he had been missing, what went through his mind, as long as he was alive and she could hold her son in her arms again.

He then called his sister who hung up thinking it was a sick prank, only to call the number back in tears, calling him an idiot a hundred times before saying just how much she loves him and how much she’d missed her baby brother and knew he’d be back.

Everything seemed to happen really fast after that.

Louis passed his year as well as his friends and they all celebrated around shots Louis was no longer afraid to enjoy, sitting on Harry’s lap and finally knowing how it feels like to dance with a warm chest against his back and manly hands on his hips.

Nathalie was still joining them, and, despite hers and Louis’ past, she didn’t wait long before falling for Niall, who made sure Louis was okay with him asking her out on a proper date. Louis was just glad he could partly be the reason Nathalie was finally treated well, letting Niall know he was happy for them.

Harry had slowly moved his stuff from the mansion to Louis’ flat, even though they did stop by sometimes because the newly living boy felt bad leaving Amelia alone all of a sudden. Louis wasn’t too excited about meeting her again, but neither of them could see her anymore, only feeling a light breeze and hearing a few words. Louis could basically do anything now really. Ghosts ? Try dating a dead guy and talking to the Grim Reaper…then come talk to Louis about friendly wandering souls.

Harry had also gotten an endless series of calls from everyone he knew and everyone who knew him because of the news.

He was submerged with messages of encouragement as if he had been kept captive somewhere all this time, and his friends made sure to call him one at a time, making him realize just how loved he was, and how he didn’t need a dickhead to love him when he had all those people there for him.

A call that changed a few more things, however, was the one he soon got from the construction company in London who had offered him an internship. They said they were glad he was alright and informed him that the spot was still his if he was feeling like it, waiting for him to submit an application in a business school in the city.

Because Harry couldn’t help asking, he learnt that the legal department of the company did provide paid internships as well, and Louis might have thanked him a bit too much to get him an interview. And maybe he could still apply to law schools in London…

He did in fact need to start fresh somewhere that didn’t remind him of any of the things he had witnessed, somewhere he could rebuild himself with Harry, away from terrifying memories and a sensitive past he wasn’t denying but was definitely ready to let go of. He weirdly didn’t regret the bad parts though, it had made him meet Harry, so maybe the worst things that happen in life could sometimes lead to the greatest.

He did worry about going too fast for a split second for getting a place with Harry, but then he remembered he’d almost died for him, so maybe they could bear sharing a rent.

They’d spent weeks looking for the right flat, until they found an affordable one outside the heart of the city, a cosy sort of duplex with a small garden, which Louis might have been too excited about, thinking of all the flowers Harry could grow.

It smelled very nice and sounded very interesting when it came from Harry, okay ?

They only needed to wait to be accepted in schools in London, and, as soon as Harry got a call from the business school he had contacted that went through his files his mom had sent, and as soon as Louis got an email confirming his transfer to a law school in the city, they called the landlord to arrange a tenant agreement, making sure there was no previous occupant that involved suicide or death happenings of any sort. 

Louis did struggle at some point with how good everything was suddenly going, and did have to check with his psychiatrist after feeling something he’d never felt before, a sort of tightness in his chest, the sort of feeling you get right before dropping down a rollercoaster, waiting to fall when it reached its peak. He slowly started to open up a bit more to the therapist as well, and it actually really helped dealing with all the things he had been avoiding dealing with, realizing he may have been overthinking things that could be handled in easiest ways.

Turns out what Louis was actually feeling was just genuine happiness though.

And yes he should’ve felt like an idiot going to the doctors because he was the happiest he’d ever been, but maybe it was okay given the smile on his psychiatrist face, truly glad Louis had found a way out of his black hole. I t would still be a journey with ups and downs, but he hadn't been this up for months, so hope definitely had its place.

Who would have thought the only way out of the darkness was through it ? Eh.

 

“Do you think she’ll like them ?” Louis whispers as they walk down the hallway.

“She’ll love it.” Harry kisses the top of Louis’ head and lets him open the door to Amelia’s room.

Now that both of them had faced the worst to exist, helping out an innocent ghost was just the most normal thing in the world.

“I hope you’ll enjoy playing with them.” Louis says in the empty room as he adjusts the three new dolls he got the little girl. He placed them around the new tea table, and made sure the new stuffed bear was facing the dolls in the small chairs before walking back to Harry’s side.

The latter had brought several children and more grown up books, and placed them on the bed, telling the invisible girl – that had kept him company for a little while after all - that, this way, she would always have a story to fall asleep to.

“ _Thank you.”_ Louis and Harry both looked at each other as they felt a a breath graze their cheeks and smiled, walking out of that house for the last time before leaving for London.

They had already left the ghost alone for a while before, when they took a trip to Holmes Chapel to see Harry’s family and friends.

Louis soon found out the whole village knew him and felt like they had their son, their best friend and their brother back, overwhelmed by joy to see the kindest person they knew smile again in front of them.

Anne, Harry’s mother, had crumbled in tears when opening the doors even though she had invited them herself. Her arms were shaking as she hugged him for a lifetime, her face going red from sobbing too much.

Gemma, Harry’s sister, was there too. She was a bit frozen at first, as if she couldn’t actually believe her brother had stepped into the house again. She ran up to him and jumped into his arms, crying in his neck as she repeated how much of an idiot he was for ever leaving them like that, but not caring at all anyway because he was back and that was what mattered the most.

They had both welcomed Louis like their own son and brother, and he may have been on the verge of crying himself with the amount of affection he was given to bring Harry back to them.

They stayed there for a week and Louis met a few of Harry’s friends who were still there, and he was happy to know they all resembled Niall, making it a bit more understandable how Harry had bonded with him more than Liam or Zayn.

They then went back to Bristol with Anne and Gemma, and packed everything for London.

Louis gave his dog toys to Mrs Griffith who had prepared two weeks worth of food for him, and he was just happy to try her recipes at least once and taste Heaven before going away when his lease was taken care of.

He had informed his mom as well, and, even though he wasn’t too confident telling her he was moving in with his boyfriend in a new city after breaking up with him, the sound of excitement in her voice made him relax a bit. She was so glad to hear him smile again and have him talk to her, she didn’t care what made him happy, as long as it did.

Because she’d always been overprotective, however, she had made sure to call Harry’s mom to learn a bit more about him. They had found themselves talking on the phone for hours, and both Louis and Harry wondered if they actually got a minute to talk about their son and not about how many things they had in common, calling each other 'honey' after the first phone call.

It was still a bit surreal, and it most definitely wasn’t what they’d thought their next months would be like, but they weren’t complaining for one second. They knew how it was to have it all gone in a finger snap, so they made sure to never waste one moment not being thankful and making the most of everything.

 

 

****

 

“You can’t see me…I’m gone.” Harry groans behind the blue pillow.

“Hazzy ! Hazzy !”

Harry drops the pillow, exposing his funny face, eyes squinting with his tongue sticking out, making Ernest giggle on his lap. It also might have been because Harry kept tickling him and tried to eat his chubby hands, but the little boy was a red ball of laughter so at this point the reason didn’t really matter.

Jay and Anne had insisted to come over to help them finish the moving process, and they had been chatting non stop in the garden trying to think about the gardening situation. They were getting along so well they barely even acknowledged their sons, and Louis was glad to have his mom like Harry so much more for that. And this was even harder to believe than the existence of paranormal activities.

In the meantime, the three year old twins were staying with him and Harry in the living room, and Louis was trying his best not to stare too fondly at how genuinely happy Harry looked being able to hold his brother without him crying in horror. Since the 'curse' was lifted, he had been so obsessed with babies he would take every opportunity to talk about them, stop any child walking alone to bring them to their parents whilst having a chat, and spending hours watching videos on Youtube and following accounts on Instagram that only involved cute babies. And maybe getting him a phone wasn't so much of a great idea.

Anne, Jay and the twins stayed the whole day to help out the final unpacking and, as soon as they left the boys alone in their new home, that’s exactly what it felt like: home.

“You know, you’re not helping very much right now.” Louis grunts from the carpet, trying to set up the small shelf in their bedroom. “I’m usually the one doing nothing. I’m not used to this !”

“Sorry Lou, but the view from up here is a bit distracting…” Harry chuckles, making Louis turn to see him standing with his arms crossed and the screwdriver in one hand as he admires Louis’ bum, for a change.

Louis rolls his eyes and turns back to pretend he’s understanding the instruction menu, but can’t hold back his smirk. He gulps a bit when Harry finally joins him and caresses his bum before helping out, never letting that arse rest more than five minutes without getting his hands on it - or his mouth, whichever.

They – Harry – don’t spend much time on the furniture after that, and don’t wait long to place the several photo frames on the newly built shelf, putting on display their new obsession for pictures. Louis had almost forgotten what it was like to frame memories and not keep them in a box, but these he doesn’t want to not think about.

“I love it.” Harry whispers once they’re tucked up in bed, looking at everything they managed to get done in the room so far.

“Me too.”

“And I love you.”

Louis looks up from Harry’s chest and reaches up to kiss him.

“I love you too.”

They stay like that for a while, genuinely enjoying the warmth of the room, the clear grey on the walls, the large dresser across the bed with a wide mirror on it, allowing them to see how they just _fit_ in this bed and this room, falling asleep for the first time in their new home.

When Louis wakes up the next morning, it’s like his life has officially started again. The rays of light from the window are warming his legs, the singing birds are the sweetest alarm he could go for, and the angel looking piece of art next to him blends perfectly with the scenery, sunlight emphasizing just the right spots, making his curls look a shade of bright chestnut and his torso glisten, soft blanket wrapped just above his crotch as he sleeps peacefully. And Louis was positive blankets worked with that boy to make him look this sinful.

He smiles and figures he can’t just let this opportunity sleep away. He grabs the new sketchbook Harry had gotten him a few weeks ago, a piece of charcoal, his kneaded rubber, and quietly drags a stool to sit on as he recreates the sleepy cherub in a cloud of sheets beauty.

He can feel his heart racing not knowing when Harry will wake up, if he’ll move or if he’s got all the time in the world to make it perfect.

He keeps the tip of his tongue out in concentration and works fast, making sure he’s got the outlines right before playing with the light the sun is giving him right now.

His fingers are already black and his eyes have squinted a few times, but he finishes the main details before Harry yawns and turns a bit, giving Louis a new perspective to add more contrasts to the drawing.

When he’s done and happy with the result, he leaves the drawing on the stool and goes to the bathroom to wash his hands before going back.

“Morning Lou...” Harry mumbles with his raspy voice, eyes still closed and head hidden under his wild yet glorious hair.

“Morning love.” Louis smirks and takes the drawing with him as he walks to the bed and climbs it to straddle Harry’s lap.

“What’s that ?” Harry frowns, stroking Louis’ thighs on top of him, sliding his fingertips under the hem of his boxers.

“You.” Louis shows what he’s been doing and Harry gasps, _as if_ he didn’t expect Louis to immortalize the way he sleeps.

“I look like an angel in this.”

“You look like an angel from up here as well.”

Harry giggles and places the drawing on the nightstand after a few thank you’s, trying hard not to show how ecstatic he is about finally having his own doodle. He bites his bottom lip as he tilts his head on the side to fully scan Louis up and down, still digging his fingers in his thighs.

“What ?” Louis raises a brow, even though he knows by now what this shade of green means.

“You look good from down there too…”

Louis blushes and throws his head back to contain how flustered that makes him feel, and 'accidentally' grinds on Harry as he laughs, making the latter let out a choked ‘ _ouh_ ’ given how he has nothing under that blanket.

So Louis might accidentally grind on him again.

Harry looks even worse than a few seconds ago, and he’s practically begging at this point, tugging at the waistband of Louis’ boxers, making him slide a bit more on top of him, dragging the soft blanket with him over Harry’s skin.

“Please tell me you already unpacked the lube.” Harry almost whines.

Louis chuckles but still gets up to get the small bottle and steps out of his boxers before climbing back, progressively putting the blanket aside as he goes back to straddling the boy’s lap, bending over to kiss him as he grinds on him, enjoying the firm hands on his bum as he waits for the both of them to be hard enough to already lose it.

He sits up and applies enough on his fingers, leaning on one side of Harry’s head to reach his own hole, whimpering right in Harry’s face who cusses a bit too much watching Louis nearly finger himself trying to make sure he’s ready for him.

Harry can’t help stroking himself in the mean time, jerking off to the sight of Louis right on top of him like that.

It's like Louis is already playing without him though, biting his lip and squinting his eyes just by reaching his rim. And that, Harry is not too happy about.

"Don't do it without me !" He pouts.

“Okayokayokay fuck.” Louis nods to himself, not listening to Harry's attention craving when he's trying to prep himself, but Harry nods as well, lost enough to mimic his boyfriend. He watches as Louis gets his cock slick enough, completely leaving him do whatever he wants with him right now, and still just watches as he takes him in hands, almost swapping away his own to be in charge of that.

Harry helps Louis out as he lowers himself onto him, making sure he takes him slowly and not all at once, letting him adjust and guide his cock as he wishes while he holds him by the hips.

Once he’s taken most of him, Louis sways his hips tentatively, trying to find his own rhythm before going lower, almost entirely sitting on Harry as he places his hands on the boy’s clenching chest, going for circling patterns before suddenly hopping up and down once as Harry pretends he’s not dying.

“Like that ?” Louis asks, making sure he’s doing something right, even though he doesn’t really need much approval seeing how the rosy lips are already forming an obscene ‘o’.

“Yes yes, exactly like that.” Harry nods frantically, making Louis chuckle a bit as he does it again, taking more of the boy’s cock on his way down.

He then speeds up and tries to focus even with Harry’s hands on his arse when he rocks on him, making the boy whimper as he enjoys the way Louis is riding him, always changing his moves as he keeps going, earning a few moans here and there and a lot of ‘fuck’ that shouldn’t make him feel this way.

Louis wants to kiss that boy a bit too much when he thrusts up, because he’s starting to slow down trying so many different things at a time. He feels him gently at first, and then nearly falls on the boy’s chest as he thrust up again, hitting his prostate with his feet flat on the mattress trying to go deep enough.

And it gets a bit blurry from there.

It’s loud moans and embarrassingly deafening cries and Louis doesn’t know if he’s going down or if Harry is going up, but it feels amazing and he can’t keep his eyes open anymore, accidentally scratching Harry’s torso because that boy has no warning or tiredness in his body and every muscle in him was designed to do this.

The moment Louis tries to get some sort of relief jerking himself off, Harry drops him on the bed to lie on top of him, suddenly pounding him as he holds on to the bars they knew would be a great feature in this bed, making Louis _scream_ his name and nonsense, unable to control his brain anymore as Harry fucks him with everything he has, reaching his prostate yet again as they both whimper and destroy each other’s skin.

Harry bites Louis shoulder and Louis scratches Harry’s back. Harry thrusts harshly and Louis pulls at his hair. And it may sound liked someone’s dying in there, but they’re both feeling more alive than they ever could.

Louis doesn’t know why he thought it was a good idea to open his eyes, and he comes untouched on his stomach witnessing the sweating work of God himself crying over him, giving all the energy he has to make sure Louis feels him completely, and even too much.

He keeps going just a few more times more gently before collapsing on Louis, panting in the crook of his neck with Louis’ legs still wrapped around him as they both breathe too loud, curse too much and love painfully hard.

“Eggs.” Harry suddenly groans, still inside of an overly exhausted Louis.

“What ?”

“I want eggs. And a pile of crepes.”

“Then you better get that sweet cock of yours out of me, love.” Louis grins and Harry giggles happily before doing as he’s told and rushing to make the first meal in the new house while Louis gets ready for an important day.

“How’s my hair ?” Louis asks nervously, running everywhere on a quest to find his blazer in the boxes.

“Professional.” Harry gives a thumbs up from behind the TV, trying to plug every single gaming console Louis decided they just needed while the internet connection was on hold.

“And my shoes ? Too much ? Not enough ? And my eyes ? I feel like the right one is going red again, do you think I should wear my glasses ? And my shirt ! It’s creased I need an iron !” Louis is panicking, breathless and going over the same places over and over again.

Harry walks to him to hold his shoulders and make him calm down.

“Lou. _Chill_. It’s going to go just fine. You already have a lot of experience and your shirt will charm anyone able to see properly. And that eye's perfectly fine, gorgeous.” Harry cups Louis’ cheeks and gives him a soft peck on his lips, making him relax in his hands before nodding and flying through the door to his interview.

Louis doesn’t know how to behave in an interview. He barely had to prove anything for his first internship and it suddenly feels more real and adult-y right now.

The hallways are wider and he’s pretty sure that’s marble all over the walls, people are nodding politely everywhere he walks and it’s making him feel important for some reason, and the receptionist’s desk is three times bigger than the one he knew in Bristol. Also, there's a chance he might share the building with Harry, so the endless amount of hiding places is something he cannot not think about.

“Um…hello.” Louis clears his throat. “I’m Louis Tomlinson, I have an appointment with-“

“Terry Cook yes. I’ll tell him you’re here.“ The kind young man announces and gestures for Louis to sit down while he calls his boss.

Too tight. This shirt is too tight. Had working out made him bigger ? Did he need to change from extra small to medium soon ? Had it come to this ? Would Harry make tacos tonight again or should he stop by the supermarket to feed them something else ? Also, is that receptionist checking him out or is he just paranoid ?

“Mr Tomlinson.” A short middle-aged man called with a strong but kind voice, walking towards Louis with a hand already ready to shake his.

“Hello Mr Cook. Pleasure to meet you.” Louis said, only able to say anything because it’s the only sentence he had been repeating in his head the whole way to this man’s hand.

They walk to his office who looks impressive but not intimidating, pictures of his family on his desk and tiara on a little chair showing he must be a father who loves to spoil his kids. And that’s all Louis needs to relax a bit. It's well established that people with children tend to be more human. Or did they ? Maybe that guy was in fact cheating on his wife, maybe he was planning on leaving his family, maybe Louis should've eaten more before coming here...

_Chill._

They go over why the firm would benefit having Louis among them and how it’s been to work in Bristol and graduate. It then progressively shifts to Louis’ wishes for the future, and how and where he sees himself in ten years.

“I’m going to be honest with you Louis…” M Cook starts and Louis is already wondering which movie he’ll choose to forget this interview. “…I didn’t really need all this information, but I’m glad the man I’m hiring has clear plans and a great experience in the workplace. If you still want to work with an annoying man like me, the internship is yours.”

No movies needed then.

“I’ll be…honoured to work with y- you Sir…” Louis is stuttering slightly but the man doesn’t seem to care and just chuckles, folding his hands on the desk to speak up again.

“I’m glad, I’m glad. So if you could email me your schedule it’ll be perfect so we could arrange days for you. We’ll be mainly working on a divorce case we just got. We’ll see Mrs Pavelka next week for the second meeting if you’re interested.”

Louis did struggle to keep his face straight hearing that name, and Mr Cook must’ve noticed, because he frowned and stopped explaining the case to ask.

“Do you know the client ?”

_Well…_

“No. But I have heard about her husband.” Louis simply says, hoping that name won’t continue ruining his professional life anymore.

“What a twat, huh ? I mean, misuse of corporate funds to finance a gay strip club behind his wife’s back…it’s no surprise no one wants to collaborate with him anymore. This guy had the world at his feet and just trampled everyone who could have helped him save his company.”

Louis had just went from an annoyed frown to pure bliss and the bright smile on his face was the least he could show given how loud he was singing ‘I’m So Excited’ in his head with the appropriate choreography, making him absentmindedly shake in his chair.

“Anyway, I guess I’ll wait for your email and I’ll see you then.” Mr Cook stands up to walk Louis to the door, and he waits to get into the lift to shout a loud ‘yes!’ and hop on the spot, already announcing the news to Harry mentally.

He’s glad to find him sitting at the kitchen table when he comes home, because he can just get rid of his blazer and his shoes and hop on his lap to hug him tight.

“I suppose you got the job ?” Harry giggles when Louis kisses him too many times all over his face.

“Better than that. Not only did I get the job, I get to work for Jessie’s wife who asked for a divorce after he lost his company.” Louis says excitedly, and maybe he could be happy for someone’s misery if that someone had been the reason of his own.

“What ?!” Harry gasps. “I knew that guy would end alone and ruined, but I didn’t know you’d take a part in it !”

“What do you mean you kn- nevermind…Please tell me with have champagne somewhere.” Louis gets up and opens the cupboards that still lacked organization.

“No…but we do have fizzy water and apple juice !” Harry sounds more excited about that and Louis is too thrilled to not join him.

 

 

*****

 

“What should I say ?” Louis whispers against Harry’s side.

“What do you want to tell him ?”

“I don’t know…”

“Tell him what you’ve been up to.” Harry suggests. “The happy part…”

“I’m nervous.”

They’re standing in front of Louis’ dad’s grave and, knowing what they know that they shouldn’t know, they have a feeling he can hear everything. 

Louis had not been visiting him. But now that he was learning how to deal with things coming at him in life, he felt the need to face the one needle that was still planted in his heart and wasn’t going anywhere unless he pulled it out himself. Not the most pleasant image, but it wasn’t the most pleasant feeling either.

“Do you want me to leave you two alone ?” Harry asks, holding Louis’ hand as the latter nearly swallows his fist trying not to stress out.

“No. Please stay ?”

Harry nods and takes a step forward, bringing Louis with him as he takes a deep breath and starts talking, the first word slowly bringing a sea of sentences right after it.

He’s not sure what to say, so he just goes with what he feels his dad would like to hear. He tells him about the new job he got that’s paid and is way better than the one before, tells him about graduating the third year, tells him about how he’s been eating normally and how he’s been trying to take care of his health lately. He can’t help smiling as he gives all this good news, because saying it out loud makes everything so much more real and meaningful he’s just now becoming aware of how much he achieved.

Of course it wasn’t all perfection and he did have bumps along the way, still does, but he ate everyday and didn’t reject every single invitation to go out and he wasn’t crying at the mere mention of someone he loved who had passed away, so he was doing good.

“Oh and dad…this is Harry.” Louis drops Harry’s hand to wrap his arm around his waist, and he grins as his boyfriend waves hello to the stone with a shy smile.

“Um…n- nice to meet you Mr Tomlinson…um...” Harry stutters. “I wish I'd met you, but I’ve heard enough to respect everything about you…And thank you for raising such an amazing man. I wouldn’t share my life with anyone else.”

Louis tries hard but he can’t help tearing up at the thought of his dad meeting Harry - and yes the last words Harry said may have taken a part in that. He’s sure they would’ve have liked each other, and he just hopes his dad is still proud of him even though he fell in love with a man. He never heard him talk badly of same sex relationships, so he does wish his dad understands and supports them, because he can’t see his future without the one who made him wish he had one.

He waits for Harry to look at him again to kiss him, but the latter takes a step back.

"Hey ! Your dad is watching us…"

Louis giggles but kisses him anyway, and they put the flowers they got on the stone to stay in silence for a few minutes before walking back to the car, Lottie waiting for them to have their private moment.

They drive to Louis’ family house and enjoy their stay in Doncaster, surrounded by Louis’ sisters – and Ernie – around a Sunday roast Louis had missed being away from home, spending a few lazy days for Christmas.

Jay had invited Anne and Gemma to spend the holidays in Donny, so they came later on to celebrate with a bigger family. It was still almost awkward how well their moms had been getting along, but it made them feel like they were part of one united family, a feeling neither of them had felt in a long time.

“Happy birthday Lou !” Harry jumped on the bed as soon as he heard Louis yawn next to him.

“Thank you love...Can we go back to sleep ? I don’t need gifts, just sleep.” Louis mumbles in the pillow, not yet back from his dreams. When he is, he still sort of isn’t, because there’s no way this beautiful ball of sunshine straddling his lap isn't a product of the sweetest dream.

“Open it open it ! I wrapped it myself !”

Harry hands him a wrapped present with a little bow on it, anchors and ropes and ships and compasses drawn all over the blue and green wrapping paper. And Louis really wonders how that boy could always go from intimidating sexy man to impatient baby.

Louis doesn’t wait and destroys the thing to find out what Harry got him.

“Are you serious ?” He raises a brow, wondering why Harry would get him a collar. “Hazza, I know I mentioned it, but I thought you understood it was a joke…”

Louis was open to try anything with this boy, but maybe going around as his property was going a bit too far for him. No disrespect for the kink, but that just wasn’t his thing. The collar did look very nice, just not on his neck.

Harry just smirks and puts the collar aside to kiss Louis, giving him his second birthday gift as silently as he can knowing the house is filled with children and curious ears. Louis is the least quiet person when he has Harry's tongue on - or in this case in - him though, so if he cries and calls for Jesus once or twice, maybe it's a good thing it's Christmas and they have a habit of praying on that day...

They spend the day at home, and it’s one of the best birthdays Louis’ had in a while, definitely the best since his dad passed away and sort of took away Louis’ will to celebrate that day.

Jay, Anne, Gemma, Lottie, Fizzy, Phoebe, Daisy, Doris, Ernest, Harry and Louis – how did they even fit in one room – all gathered in the living room to watch Louis’ favourite movie, singing along with him, and cheering when Harry stood up to make him dance like Danny and Sandy, snow falling outside as the fireplace ignited the place, embarrassing Christmas jumpers making everyone in the spirit of the special holiday. 

And Louis was finally enjoying it as he would as a kid, only in different ways, with arms around him at all times, kisses in his neck throughout the day, wandering hand than made him go quiet around his mom, and a sore bum that didn't help showing Phoebe how to ride the huge toy horse Anne had gotten the girls. And let's not mention how Harry said Louis already had one when Gemma asked if Louis ever had this kind of toy.

The next day was even better, the sounds of laughter echoing in the entire house, reaching Louis’ room as a signal to get downstairs to open the gifts. He did want to open a special one first, but that one had been too excited to get downstairs before he got up.

“Louis !” Daisy shouted and was then shushed by her twin, giggling in her hand and making the whole room look too suspicious.

“So, what did the princesses get this year ?” Louis asks his sisters, kissing everyone before sitting on the floor with them to help open everything, wondering where Harry had left.

He didn’t expect any gift this year. He hadn’t really been expecting anything since he stopped looking forward to family gatherings. He usually stayed in bed all day and ignored the eggnog and traditional meal and the relatives coming to visit, binge watching Christmas movies instead in his bed under the comforter, staying in his own little world.

Louis was still helping his sisters but grabbed a package with his name on it, and looked at his mom who smirked and went back to playing with Doris.

“What the…” Louis had a unique sense of humour. He knew it, his family knew it, but there was a thin line between humour and humiliation. “Why am I seeing poo bags and a deodorant ? Are you trying to tell me I'm stinky ?”

Everyone laughed and Louis just rolled his eyes, bothered again by a present from Gemma. He was already ready to thank her for whatever she’d gotten him, but frowned at the sight of a rubber donut. And they were definitely pranking him.

“Okay, where’s the camera now ?” He pouted, noticing Harry was still nowhere to be seen, missing the whole opening gifts festivities. “I don’t want anymore gift !”

“You sure about that ?” Harry finally stepped into the room with his hands behind his back, still sporting his red snowman jumper that made him look like one of Santa Claus’ helpers. He had insisted Louis wore the green pointy beanie, and he himself resembled an elf. This year's pictures would finitely go somewhere hidden in the house.

“What now ?!” Louis was so done getting jokes in boxes he was almost planning on boycotting the holiday.

Harry then showed his hands, holding the smallest, cutest and sleepiest puppy he’d ever seen. It was a cream French bulldog, ears still flopped down and eyes small, body curling around Harry’s large hand as he held the dog next to his cheek with a pout.

“Love meee.” Harry cooed, swaying with the baby animal nuzzling in his neck. And Louis didn’t know who looked more adorable.

He did freeze though. He hadn’t seen such a young frenchie since Kitten, and it was bringing back memories he still tried to suppress somehow. The little red bow around his neck looked bigger than the dog, however, and maybe that was enough of a reason to fall in love instantly.

“Her name’s Darcy.” Harry informed, bouncing with the puppy as if to calm a baby. “She’s two months old and loves to sleep on her back with a not very lady like position, but she can do whatever makes her happy so it’s okay.”

Louis is hearing everything, but he sort of can’t really process it. He breathes in slowly and tries to stay calm, raising his shaky hands up to hold the puppy.

Harry doesn’t say anything and just walks closer to give him Darcy, keeping securing hands under Louis’ just in case.

“Hi little one…She's so pretty...” Louis smiles, letting the dog rest against his chest without getting a panic attack. “I like the name. Who picked it ?”

“I did.” Harry says proudly.

“ _You’re gonna be with us now, Darcy_.” Louis uses his baby voice to talk to the puppy and walks to the couch, letting Harry sit first before settling on his lap, putting Darcy on his own to let her fall asleep.

“Is that okay ?” Harry murmurs in Louis’ ear, rubbing his back under his shirt. He looks worried, as if he’s having second thoughts about that idea. Louis had never said he was ready for another dog, still not willing to replace Kitten. But maybe he had enough love in him for one more being, especially if Harry would give her just as much and help him take care of her. 

“Yes. Thank you.” Louis kisses Harry softly, careful not to go too far in front of his mom and his siblings probably staring at the puppy on his lap.

“Darcy is a cool name but did you think about another one ?” Lottie asks. “Like…I don’t know…what about Amelia ?!”

“NO !” Harry and Louis yelled at the same time, faces turned red while everyone else stayed quiet trying to understand why those boys were so reluctant to a common name.

And maybe they could just keep wondering.

 

 

*****

 

 

“ _And don’t forget the whole wheat bread !”_

“Harry. You gave me a list. I know what I have to get.”

“ _So you didn’t forget to take it this time ?”_ Harry asks as if he already knows the answer, and Louis really doesn’t want to surrender and admit he did in fact left the note in the plate behind the door.

“I can’t believe you’re doubting me.” Louis acts offended, pursing his lips as he goes back to the bread aisle.

“ _I’m sorry baby.”_ Harry seems to buy it, so Louis lets out a heavy sigh almost betray him before coughing over it. “ _Just don’t let Evan put junk in the trolley. I’m the one to deal with his sleepless nights while you’re sleep talking.”_

And right…Evan.

“Shit !” Louis cusses to himself when he turns around and doesn’t see the five year old boy anywhere.

“ _You lost him didn’t you ?”_ Harry asks and Louis can _hear_ the challenging hand on his hip.

“Of course not !” Louis runs with the trolley along the aisles before letting go to be faster.

“ _The freezers.”_

“What ?”

“ _Check the freezers.”_ Harry says with a calm voice and Louis really wishes he had let him do the grocery shopping as usual, because it’s the third time he’s done it and he still is clueless and has to repeat constantly to not get the cookie dough before he gets the vegetables. And oh how tables had turned...

“Why the fuck would he even do in a-“ Louis starts but clears his throat when he spots Evan right next to the ice creams, and fakes a laugh when he hears Harry mock him. “I’m not commenting on that. I’ll see you at home.”

Louis hangs up and jogs to the little boy, lifting him in his arms as he giggles.

“Daddy !”

“Evan ! I told you to stay by my side !”

“Sowy…” Evan pouts, a small bubble of saliva in the corner of his mouth and a mp of curls making Louis forget what he was mad about. “But the vampire told me there was chocolate !”

“The vampire ?” Louis looked up to see a tall man dressed in all black watching them. “Oh my god. I am so sorry, he didn’t mean to call you a vampire-“

“But he is !” Evan insists, kicking his foot on Louis’ chest trying to make his point.

“He’s not a vampire Ev’, he’s just dressed in black.” Louis says to his son. “I’m sorry again…kids, eh ?” He shrugs.

“It’s not a problem.” The man says. Louis feels like he’s seen him somewhere before, but he can’t really remember where. He’s bald and his neck shows tattoos coming from under his black tee, and that’s something Louis doesn’t recall, but his eyes just look familiar.

“Hope he didn’t bother you too much.” Louis was polite but he still trusted his son more tha anyone. “Although…did you offer my son chocolate ?”

“Oh, I know it may sound weird, but I was just talking about very good chocolate and he overheard me and wanted to see it.” The man chuckles. “You see, when a chocolate is just right, and you feel like it fits your needs perfectly, it makes you so happy and gives you such a new prospect on life, it’s like your old self dies to let another part of you live on. As soon as you accept the reality of that chocolate, you’re a brand new person living a brand new life.”

Louis frowns and Evan is almost drooling trying to listen to that weirdo.

“Um…alright…well…enjoy your chocolate Sir.” Louis hurries, walking away before looking over his shoulder just once because he just has a feeling he knows that guy.

Nothing rings a bell though. He vaguely registers the pattern on the back of that man’s coat, probably a brand or something like that. It’s a red spiral that he’s sure he’s seen in the past, but he can’t give much more thought to it, because Evan is already climbing on him trying to sit on his shoulders.

“Can we get the cookie dough ?” The boy asks dramatically, holding on to Louis’ hair as they walk back to the lost trolley. And Louis was wondering if he could see anything with his curls in his eyes. They wanted to get him a haircut, but he was too obsessed trying to 'look just like Papa'.

“Yes. But we have to get the veggies first. Otherwise Papa will scold Daddy again !” And yes Louis did frown slightly when these words left his mouth.

Of course, Louis forgets the vegetables and buys enough cookie dough for three weeks. But he got the organic guacamole Harry’s been obsessed with since he’s had his yogi conversion six months ago, and he didn’t forget the bread, so he could definitely get a medal for that.

As he drives home, he rethinks about what the man his son mistook for a vampire said. He tries his best to remember him, and he gulps when he finally imagines the same guy with an awful ponytail and no tattoos. And the name James is just echoing in his head.

Was that him ? Were they in danger ? Or did he just want to make sure Louis heard what he had to say ? And was he trying to explain how Louis was able to go grocery shopping with his son right now ?

And, thinking about it, maybe Louis did die in some way. The Louis who walked on that bridge ten years ago definitely did anyway. 

He suddenly rethinks about what happened on that rainy night, when he got his life stolen and given right back. Maybe he didn’t have to _die_ to die and save the both of them. Maybe who he was needed to die without him killing himself, and maybe letting himself love Harry, letting himself acknowledge that he could truly love someone and therefore accepting him loving him back, maybe that was what had killed the Louis he used to be.

He gets home with the attention of telling Harry, but, as soon as he enters the house with his son running into his husband’s legs, he doesn’t really feel the need to bring this back.

He still couldn’t believe they had come this far, going through everything together, every part of the journey, good and bad, and were still here, more in love with each other every single day, caring for their family and for each other the way they had on that bridge: until death would do them apart.

Louis stayed there on the rug, smiling at the sight of everything he never knew he wanted. He had a wonderful partner he knew would risk his life for him, a son they both spoilt with love, and a ridiculous amount of framed photos everywhere. And what more do you need in life really ?

As long as they had air to breathe, love to give, and someone to give that love to, then maybe there was no need to reject the pain. As long as they reminded themselves how precious life is, then maybe neither of them needed to jump off a bridge to get rid of everything. Because, despite the struggles, and despite the aching hearts, and despite the long road going back up when you've fallen down, the sight at the top is just so beautiful, so maybe it was worth the tumultuous ride…

 

THE END.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tadaaaaa
> 
> I really hope it doesn't seem rushed because it's the feeling I have yet I can't do it any other way so I'm a bit ???? But if you'd like more of it I'd gladly add a part (in the same chapter) or develop a bit to have my conscience clear haha
> 
> Please tell me what you thought and what you liked/disliked and rec/share it if you want because i love knowing that people enjoy my stories :)
> 
> Until next time…
> 
> All the love to you wonderful readers that went through this with me ;)
> 
> <3 <3
> 
>  [Masterpost on Tumblr](http://hegotadagger.tumblr.com/post/125467464969/take-me-down-with-you-relationship-harry-styles)
> 
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/chill_larrie)  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hesitate to tell me what you think <3
> 
> Also, it'd be nice to mention if any of what I mention is triggering in any way, I have no intention of stressing someone out, so please tell me !!!
> 
> x
> 
>  


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